Hi Great web site and GREAT information and those of you that post are GREAT too!!
I have a few questions that I have not seen covered yet.

Info first

Me 40
WS 39
Married 21 years
4 Kids 16,16,17,19 all living with me
A stared around July 03
I found out 27 Sep 03
WW left 27 Sept, stayed at OP House
OP 50, wife left him a few years ago for a OP
WW came back 28 Sept 03
3 weeks of "good times, forgiveness, talking, healing"
WW left 19 Oct 03 Moved in with OP

She has told me she loves him and wants to be with him. Said she will D me after the first of the year so she can marry him. We had a "normal" life together, grew apart some - work hours etc, but never FOUGHT or hated each other. Its not money, its not sex, she said she wanted a companion, the first time she came back so I changed my work hours the next week and started showing her more love and companionship..
I want her back BAD, and will do anything to get her back, if I can, she knows that....
She now comes over to see the kids almost ever day of the week, weekends she is "busy" She did not come over to much first 2 week after she left I had to ASK her to come over and see the kids, she does love them and miss them. She is VERY set in her mind that she is not coming back and loves the OP, FOGing big time IMHO.
My questions-

1. Do I go to a plan B now or stay at plan A for a bit and Cry a lot?

2. I have checked in to D to see what that junk is all about, she does not want house, money or my Military retirement ( I retired from Military 18 months ago) She has "bills" she has taken and is paying AND we have Money she gives me for "child support" The lawyer said she never would say this so SOON but that I should get this in writing fast.... Do I D her or wait and let her do it " after the first of the year, so she can marry him" ??


3. Also Her relationship with GOD is gone-- as you can see from her actions-- My wife has been a good strong “Christian Woman” her whole life BUT for some reason she thinks that once she is married to OP everything will be right with GOD- She knows better than that. OP is PURE evil if you ask me-I talk to him on the phone a few days after she left 2nd time, he wanted to fight I was very "NICE and calm" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Made him madder My question - I know she will not come back to me until "she SEE's" what she is doing as wrong and repents and turns back to GOD - 1- Will everyone pray that happens and 2-How long to I wait for that to happen? Is GOD telling me that is over and to move on with life???

4. How in the WORLD do I handle her coming over to see the kids. Some days we talk, some days we REAL TALK and she does not like them days. It kills me to see her walk out the door all the time, Should I set TIMES and not be home (a Plan B thing) OR do I talk about THINGS and STUFF and try to be a GOOD guy!!

I really want to get MAD real bad but it would do no good so there is no point but MAN one 5 min YELL at her and I think I would feel a lot better!

Thanks for your help and support……

<small>[ November 18, 2003, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: RandyB ]</small>

Dear Randy:
I echo your sentiments about this website - it is awesome!

There is poster named Mortarman who is the God of Plan B! Unfortunately, he is going through a really rough time right now. You might do well to read his threads and any advice he has just given to Devastated Dad (I think that's right).

You've done a lot of good things already by going to the lawyer and getting things in writing.

You can't make this easy for her. My advice would be to go to plan B to preserve what love you have left for you. That would mean you need to get an agreement about the kids - she just can't be popping in and out all the time - not fair to you.

I would also not file for a divorce - let her do that dirty deed.

Again, this is just my opinion, and I would read about Plan B more and I think there's a Plan B support thread started by Just J. YOu could post questions on there.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? I would recommend ordering that book from this website. Also, "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder is a good book along the same lines.

But please, there are others who have been through Plan B, so hopefully they will chime in here and listen to what they say!

Good luck - keep posting!! STay strong and take care of yourself and those kids! They need you to keep your head on straight cuz mom's crazy now!
DB

Randy - Start with Plan A, and do it for several months if you can. Of course I didn't take my own advice and went right to Plan B. H is now living with OW. But anyway in hindsight I know that is the right plan to start. Ask for written agreement to protect you financially. Our lawyer wrote one up for $250. - just like a business agreement, no separation, or D. My H suggested it when he was feeling guilty - he faxed it to lawyer and now refuses to sign it. But get it if you can. My H and I are strong Christians. Our last conversation went something like this: H- "I want to know what is in your heart. Do you pray for reconciliation?" Me - "Yes, every day." H - "Well maybe God doesn't want us to reconcile." Me- "It's a little hard to reconcile when you are married and dating." H - "I just wish there was something I could do." By the way he has a Plan B letter that spells out exactly what he can do. Haven't heard from him since. So you can see that even Christians can be deeply in the fog. Hang in there and don't give up.

Randy:
I thought of a couple more things I wanted to add.

Is the OP married? If so, you might consider exposing the A to his wife. It could help you on that side.

Also, you might consider counseling with the Harley's. I think it could be very beneficial to you.
DB

OP is not married, his wife left him a few years ago...
WW Is living with him now, moved in the day she left me....