I need advice. With the holidays approaching I am wondering what the best way is to handle everything w/ me, the kids and the WH.

Since I asked my WH to leave again and filed for a D, I've been pretty much in the dark where he is concerned. I have VERY limited conversations w/, him mainly about the kids. I have now been corresponding about the financial end through my attorney. (My WH has been a huge jerk most recently w/ the bills.)

WH lives down the street from us and I've been able to keep from even seeing him. This has been very helpful to me. i've been able to detatch and start rebuilding my life.

This is our 1st holiday in this situation and I don't know what to do. The kids and I are going to his brother's house for Thanksgiving. When my WH found out that we were going over there he postponed his latest trip to Cuba until the day after Thanksgiving and told the kids he was going to drive out to his brother's house to spend the day w/ them. (they are about 1 1/2 hours away from us). I'm feeling rather awkward about this day. I don't want to deprive my kids from seeing their dad. And we don't have anywhere else to go for that day.

What should I do when we are all in the same house together? How am I going to keep myself together? I've been doing really well since I haven't seen him and barely talked to him. Do you have any suggestions on how I should deal w/ this?

Dear ljkm,

When you are there with him in the home, see if those around you can be your support. In other words, prepare your BIL and his family along with your children to watch over you and help keep the distance. Your H may get mad especially if he tries to pretend he is a good H and dad. If it is not sincere, he could blow up, if he is sincere and you are not receptive, he will know he has a ways to go. Don't be obvious with your distance but discreet. Your family can help create that safer environment for you. Then when he tries to make headway with the children and they begin to not feel safe or get angry, then the others will stand as a buffer zone for them as well.

Prepare and cooperate like a well-oiled machine.

JMHO,
L.

Hi Orchid! I'm just getting back on this board after a few days away. I am so glad to hear from you!

I think I might be able to manage Thanksgiving w/ the inlaws. They have all been really supportive. I am hoping that I will be able to maintain a distance from him and look absolutely confident doing it.

After a few weeks of going dark w/ WH, he's been calling more frequently. I still don't answer the phone though. He has been playing MAJOR games w/ the finances. The kids tuition, car insurance, car payment, down payment for my son's braces and a few other things have gone late. WH doesn't seem to think I really need this money and that I can survive on a fraction of our usual household expenses.

My attorney has been corresponding w/ his attorney but WH has basically ignored them and me.

Today I made a big and stupid mistake. He called and I actually answered. I started talking about the bills and he said to drop off the bills at his house. So stupid stupid me, I did. I went inside and preceded to talk to the fool for over an hour. I pretty much just told him that he could pay them if he wanted to or we could arrange that he send a check for me through the court system and that way we wouldn't have to deal w/ each other. He is still trying to maintain control over me and told me how I should handle the bills and finances. I said I didn't care how the bills were paid but if he was going to handle them I am going to need to see proof that he's paid them. Do you know what he said to me?! F*** YOU!

You know I asked him why he was so bitter toward me. I told him that he's free to live the kind of life he wants to live and I'm not standing in his way. He pulled that B S again on me by saying that I'm not much of a woman and everything! The only way I could thing of to respond to that load of crap was that I am 1000 times the woman to the opposite of how he wants to portray me. Does that make sense? Whatever!

And over the weekend the kids and I were down on the beach having dinner and playing w/ 2 other families we know. One of my friends was drinking just a little too much the night before at a party we were all at and she called my WH and invited him to our little get together at the beach. And to my amazement he showed up there. I didn't talk to him though. And he didn't say anything to me. So today when he was spouting off at the mouth he mentioned the fact that I didn't acknowledge him on the beach.

HE HAS NOT GIVEN ME ANY INDICATION THAT HE WOULD BE INTERESTED IN RECONCILING, HE HASN'T APOLOGIZED TO ME ONCE FOR THE HORRIBLE WAY HE TALKS TO ME, AND IN THESE MONTHS OF SEPERATION AND NOW DIVORCE PRECEDINGS HE HASN'T SAID SQUAT!!!

Tell me what is wrong w/ me that I somehow think he might somehow turn around. Tell me why I daydream about him coming and knocking at my door late at night. I'm really not sure if I'm actually willing to try anymore so why do I somehow hope that he will come crawling back? Why can't I just erase him from my memory? I am moving on for the most part but why do I think that maybe, just maybe he'll say he's sorry?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

ljkm3,

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU...repeat...THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

You and husband built a life and a family together, and you remember the good times, and the promises that seemed so bright. You want that life back, as do many of us.

My wife is pulling away from the marriage now, after years of my 'not getting it' and angry outbursts, though I'm doing everything to show how I've changed and how much I want to be with her. The aggressive pushing away is not anywhere near as bad as your own situation, but it hurts terribly, and I'd give anything to be able to have those promises back. I constantly day-dream about our moment of reconcilation, though that seems like a pipe dream right now.

I think everyone who posts on this board has those dreams. It shows you still have your humanity. Hang in there...

Hi ljkm,

Listen to Bob, It is not about you not being desireable or good. Not even a matter of you being the right or the wrong one.

It is a matter of him getting his head on straight, appreciating his W and family, overcoming his guilt, make choices that would not cause him to live on the edge of his family and society again.

Why do you yearn for him? Because you have deep love. It is the kind of love that has grown over the years of being together and you just aren't ready to give that up ....yet. Also inside your mind and heart may not be in sync and you c/b still struggling to have hope.

You are not crazy nor insane. Quite the opposite, you are doing exactly what a mother and wife should do. You are trying to protect your family from foreign influence and are a bit confused to see that this may mean protecting yourselves from the very one who should be protecting you and your family.

Do this: Take your right arm and put it over your left shoulder and take your left arm and put it over your right shoulder (or visa versa if it is easier). Then squeeze both shoulders.

There you are now the recipient of a {{{cyber hug}}} from me to you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

take care,
L.


L.

Thank you you guys. It's gonna be a hard holiday.

Sometimes I do feel crazy b/c if this was someone else's situation it would be clear to see that the WH is just too messed up. If a man is not giving you ANYTHING to work w/ and is horribly verbal abusive why would anyone want to stay? I'm not even saying that I want to stay. He's just too toxic.

I'm also nervous about the possibility of being thrown out into the "single world" that's the last place I ever wanted to be. My friends have been really wonderful to me, but they keep telling me that one day they are going to introduce someone to me. I know they are being kind but I told them that that would have to be at least 2 years out from my D. I was naive to think that I would always be married. Maybe I'm just missing the memories of the past.

Orchid, you have been my rock through this!!! I love you for that more than you know. Have a great Thanksgiving. Everytime I see you SF people are getting together at the Metreon I get so jealous! I'd love to meet you all. Plus you guys live in one of the best areas in the country!

ljkm,

I have every confidence you will make it through this trying time. You are surviving and that skill will lead you to happiness.

Let the worry of what the WS will do for the holidays be his worry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Might be enlightening. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am proud of you and your progress.

Hugz,
L.

Well, i made it through Thabksgiving. The kids and I spent the day at Disney w/ his family and then later he showed up in town for dinner w/ everyone. We didn't speak at all. There wasn't anger or anything there, so that was good. I would say all in all it went pretty smoothly. Thank you Jesus!

But later that evening I was feeling pretty sad about the whole ordeal. I was reminiscent of past holidays and the fun we always had as a family. I'm not looking forward to Christmas. Things in our marriage weren't always so great even before his infidelity but we did share some good times together. I guess the reason I'm feeling so sad by it all is that I don't get the feeling this is even bothering him in the least.

I am going to try to pull myself together over the next couple of weeks so I can put a tree up and try to fake my way through the holidays. Usually I'm almost done w/ shopping and all by now. I'm not even close to getting started now.

My WH has not treated me w/ loving kindness very much in our marriage. He definitely doesn't respect me and has never come close to protecting me in our relationship. I almost feel like a battered woman who wants to hold the relationship together only b/c it's all she knows. It's not healthy, but it's familiarity. And I feel that I may never experience a happy and fullfilled relationship out there b/c everybody carries the load of baggage my WH and I carry.

Right now he's off in Cuba, again. He took his father there this time. He will be gone 9 days. He left me w/ his itinery but it couldn't have been colder and more impersonal. He's empty inside. No emotion, no feeling. Just dead.

I am glad that you have made it through T-Day. I know exactly how you feel except that I was the H who did not show direct love to my WW. I can tell you this that I want her back and have the opp to tell her so now 3 days in a row. Which has been real strange. WW is working on something and because I have lost all trust I think it is bad. My holiday was ok until the evening when I was alone. I filled my time with a movie and prayer and reading. It helped. Keep keepin on! It is the only thing you can do. You are a wonderful lady and you are doing great. Your strength has helped me remember that life does exist after A takes place.

Thanks Joe. It's hard isn't it?

I'm dealing w/ a new situation now. There is no hope any longer in my WH and I getting back together. I discovered that today. I just saw the door slam close in my face once and for all. Oh well. You can't say that I didn't try.

I hope that someday your WW will wake up and realize that your family needs to be together. I pray that there will be a happy outcome for you.

thanks....

After todays visitation hearing I am betting that she will not even want to talk with me.

She tried to bring up all these issues about how bad I am as a person and the judge basically said that I have a right to visitation and once my doctor tells them I can take care of the kids with what I got - I will be able to have overnites every other weekend. I am excited and sad. My poor wife got so angry during the hearing that she was fuming at me and if looks could kill her anger would have obliterated me. Divorce sucks...I love her so much...I was almost willing to say forget the visitations....I even gave her Christmas Day....

oh well.... I would love to know how you know for sure....