I know it's crazy, but I miss your sorry butt. LOL<P>Just wanted to say hi. I really really want to "make you proud" .. ya know? I was so sick that I disapointed you ... and why? I don't know you from Adam, but I guess I've grown accustom to your ... er .... um .... lack of tact ... LOL<P>Hope you're doing well. Please don't be a stranger. I do value your input ... You DO make sense sometimes! LOL<P>

Hi, Maya (& Whodat )<P>'Scuse me for honking into your thread here... been wanting to post to the 4-billion-post thread that Chris started but haven't had time (Dunc's b'day yesterday - gak, he's sooooo ooooollllllddddd now! ) - took me 3 days just to read all those posts to catch up! LOL!<P>Maya, listen up, babe:<P>1. Hate your marriage.<BR>2. Hate your life.<BR>3. Feel trapped.<BR>4. Sure you married the wrong guy.<BR>5. *Beyond* pessimistic that things will improve.<BR>6. Motherhood... "it's not just a job - it's a BURDEN".<BR>7. Nothing ever gets better.<BR>8. Really irritable.<BR>9. Don't wanna do anything, don't wanna see anyone.<BR>10.Nothing is fun.<BR>11.Everything sucks.<BR>12.Trapped! Trapped, trapped, TRAPPED!!!<BR>13.Sex - yecch (with H).<BR>14.Counseling doesn't help - nothing helps.<BR>15.Tears.<BR>16.Anger.<BR>17.Trying to "maintain" - at work... with kids...<BR>18.trouble making eye-contact with people...feels icky & uncomfortable.<BR>19.Sleeping poorly.<BR>20.Waking up feeling like ya got run over by a Mack truck - lots of aches & pains.<BR>21.*Nothing ever gets better, and it never will*.<P>OK, I could go on further, but you get the point - who am I describing here, Maya?<P>WRONG! I'm describing ME - how I spent YEARS of my life. I was hanging on by my fingernails. I was not diagnosed initially because I was a "high-functioning" depressive - not totally immobilized... but sure as h*ll not happy either.<P>Maya, when I finally got on an anti-depressant that worked (& I was VERY resistant to the idea) - it was amazing. I didn't get "happy", but I got *content*. I could see my way out of the woods. I got calmer, the intense irritation dissipated. I no longer was so pissed at poor Dunc! I was no longer exploding constantly at my son. I could make progress in counseling again. I had optimism again. I felt more in control of my life. I was no longer immobilized by pain.<P>Maya, right now, *you* are totally immobilized by your pain. I can see it plain as day, and so can everyone who is posting to you, even those who are lucky enough not to have personal experrience with depression.<P>When I was being stubborn about anti-deps with my counselor, she said "Look. You don't have to marry them; you just have to take them on a date." She also likened treating depression to removing a *roadblock* that is getting in the way of dealing with whatever else is wrong in your life. She was so right. Trying to deal with anything while depressed is putting the cart before the horse - it is impossible (as you've found out). But not because you're a "failure" - because you are DEPRESSED!!!! <P>PLEASE get help for this, Maya - *now*. You don't have to be in this kind of pain. God has led you *here*, to this place, where you can draw on the experiences of dozens of people.<P>Practical stuff: I don't know much about Celexa, but it obviously isn't doing you any good. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries & a little experimenting to get type of med & dosage right. I had good results with Prozac initially... but used long-term it can stop working (the "Prozac Poop" LOL)... now I'm on Zoloft and feel great. Permanently. I've tried to get off anti-deps a number of times in 10 yrs (pregnancy, etc), and bonked each time - that's just my brain chemistry under stress (some people get cold sores! what can I say?? ). My counselor likes Zoloft a lot. She is *very* informed on medical issues, though can't prescribe since she isn't an M.D. She works in concert with several M.D.'s to manage patients' meds (one of whom is my doc).<P>Maya, any counselor worth their salt who is told by a new patient that they are depressed ought to squeeze you in *quickly*. Another option would be to speak to your regular doc about getting you off the Celexa & on zoloft or something else.<P>Do something *today*, Maya - don't wait until the middle of December. You don't have to be feeling like this. Anti-deps are not going to solve all your problems overnight, but they will get you back on a more even keel so that YOU can start solving them, *effectively*. Maya, you've got to get rid of the roadblock. I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it is NOT to be depressed. I almost ruined my whole life because I was. Meds did not change me into someone I wasn't - they gave me back the person I *am*.<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by suse (edited November 12, 1999).]

Dang .... suse .... <P>Yes, I would like to get in to see the counselor sooner ... I was gonna call the office yesterday but got busy and forgot (honest!)<P>I appreciate all your input. Me being the "in control" person that I am, I'm royally ticked off that I can't take care of this MYSELF! I do finally realize that.<P>And of course the God Box ... (see my thread)<P>Happy Friday! It's Deer Season ... YIPPEEEEE (yes, the little man is out o' town for the weekend!) (sorry)<BR>

<P>Thanks, Maya. <P>I guess the thing is, the TRUTH is <B>very</B> important to me. I had never lied to my W (or really anyone), yet I spent nearly a year doing just that. Never again. Remember when I said I can’t even bluff while playing poker? I <B>CAN’T</B> lie. Yet I did. And to lie would be to let my OW win... to have had her corrupt the most basic part of what makes me me. And to me, enabling is another form of lying.<P>Some may call it tactless (hey... I would too! ), but I just can’t enable hurtful behavior. I just can’t! What I say may sting (stink? ) sometimes, but hey... the truth hurts, and the brutal truth hurts brutally. What kind of a friend would I be if said “Everything will turn out fine... continue living your excuses” when I can plainly see what you can’t... that you were hurting yourself by what you were (or were not) doing?<P>Sorry to ramble on the obvious. I don’t <B>really</B> feel the need to explain my actions, but sometimes what may come across as hurtful is in reality “Tough Love.”<P>I’m just glad you started “talking” here again... <P>ps: Nice “honking,” Suse... <BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die