The post title speaks for itself.

WH has always done all of our maintenance on our vehicles and our house. I always appreciated him for this, but at times he didn't think I did so enough. Since my WH moved out in 8/03, I have had to rely on my own knowledge and teach myself how to maintain my vehicle using the Chilton repair/maintenance manual. Since then, I have changed my own oil & filter, tranny fluid & filter, and today I drained and changed my antifreeze. These are milestone accomplishments for me. I would like to express my newfound respect and additional appreciation to WH for all the years of monkey-wrenching he did for us.

My question is will this new independece give WH the impression that 1.) If he returns home, I'll start doing the vehicle fluid changes, but more importantly 2.) Will he feel not needed anymore?

I want to email him this message, but am not sure if he will take it the proper way. what do you all think?

Thanks,
FF

You s/b proud of your accomplishments and he s/b also but he is in the fog right? So e-mailing him the kind of thing normal people would appreciate and celebrate may not happen. In fact it could backfire.

But you still want him to know. I understand. Howz about getting that info into his ear another way?

1. The kids: 'Hey dad, did you know mom changed the oil in the car, rotated the tires, installed a new TV and repaired the air conditioner?'

2. You: 'Say H, the next time you have to buy supplies for the vehicles, pick up XXX brand of oil and filter. Make sure it is XXX brand and not YYY. Get's better mileage and less pining. Also it is on sale at ______.'

3. You (talking out loud within earshot of H): 'I'd better get to the hardware store so I can repair the lawnmower or maybe I can go shopping for a new one that is better suited to my gentle frame(woman friendly model).' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JMHO,
L.

I would not email him -- your dependence on his opinion of you is likely to be a turn-off.

foreverfaithful

I am impressed that you jumped in and have taken over the maintenance on your vehicle. Good job!

Beau

have changed my own oil & filter, tranny fluid & filter, and today I drained and changed my antifreeze.

When you get down with that I have a 2000 Bonneville, 2001 Tahoe and 2002 Daewoo that need servicing as well! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think what you have done is great. But its something that is good for your self esteem.

Under different circumstances he might appreciate your insight into how much it took for him to do that in the past. But telling him now probably serves little purpose.

FF:

Just because one can perform a task doesn't mean one should always have to perform the task.

All these new accomplishments of yours are wonderful - and I bow down to your mechanical prowess! but if and when he should move back in doesn't mean you'll take over vehicle mainenance along with all the other chores you do.

I mean...he knows how to load a dishwasher, make a bed, and fix supper - but that doesn't mean he's gonna do it!!!!

DB

I agree, kudos for your accomplishments, but perhaps not the best time to directly communicate them (indirectly is cool though). Remember something though FF...you cannot make your H feel anything (except anger if you LB, or beg). People (generally) cannot drive off, or keep, a spouse by any particular actions, people leave or stay for more substantial reasons.... The only useful thing a person can do is the MB stuff, fix yourself (as needed), no LB, solid (and honest plan A), and set boundaries...which culminates in Plan B, seperation, divorce if boundaries violated (and or needs not met)....and let the chips fall where they may.

The hardest thing it seems for a spouse to do is realize you can't "save" a marriage, you can't make someone else do anything at all. You can only be the best you you can be, and the rest will follow or not. You can occcassionally manipulate someone, using questionable techniques like divorce busting, or coerce someone through guilt or fear (usually about children or money), these result (if at all) in weak recoveries cause they do not resolve problems, or make for free choice.

Telling H about your accomplishments feels contrived....either someone looking for pat on the back (a sort of clingyness) or saying I don't need you (and trying to make em anxious about losing you as you become independent of them etc.), and so forth. On the other hand, if in the normal course of conversation you say H I was changing the oil the other day and had some trouble getting the drain plug out, you have any suggestions? Or if the kids mention it, etc. As for being independent driving someone away, that is pretty rare IMO...self-assurance, confidence, etc are very desireable qualitys...and it will speak for itself, you don't have to "promote" it.

Thank you EVERYONE!!!

I am so very glad I sought your opinions. I totally agree with your concerns now that they are in writing where I can read and understand the reasoning behind them.

I'll be honest, I had started writing the email last night b/4 asking for your opinions, and just had a gut feeling that I should seek advice on MB first, so I didn't send it but instead deleted it. Also, I was seeking a pat on back from WH, so my intentions were probably not honorable. The kids may mention it but probably not.

Later down road, I may mention it to WH, but as everyone here said, now is NOT the right time.

Thanks so much.
FF

Good job!!

Hi FF,
Great Job. Such a liberating feeling, dont you think?

I want my H to be the 'love of my life', not some scholb I HAVE to be with because I'm so frigging helpless.

I'm quite the 'handyman' IMVHO, now. I bought a big How To book from a used book store; basic household repair to installing windows and knocking out walls. With the book and the internet, I feel pretty confident I can handle most small jobs, and a few more intimidting ones <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I hope you get the bug; once I had a few sucesses under my belt, there was no stopping me. It IS quite the self confidence builder (and quite a $$$ saver! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

It's really great when your man takes over a job for you. But you're right; you dont really appreciate it till you've done it, yourself. Good luck - Dru

Thanks Dru,

It does feel liberating. I do really have a much bigger appreciation for my H now.

I hope I get the chance to tell him that very very soon.

congrats on saving your M. Keep it up.

FF