This is my first post. I need help.

Next month, my wife and I will have been married 18 years. We have a daughter, 13, and a son, 10.

I have been having an affair for the last eleven years. My lover was also married, with a seventeen year old daughter, and neither of us intended to leave our spouses. Then, eight months ago, her husband came in on a Friday night and announced he no longer loved her. Twenty minutes later, he was gone. He already had a house, etc. lined up and ready. I am certain our affair played a part in his leaving, but there were other, not relevant here, factors too.

Now, here I am. I love the OW. I have for a long time now and she is the best friend I have ever had. My wife knows we have had an affair and she knows I am periously close to leaving her. I cannot bring myself to tell my children - the thought of hurting them crushes me, but the thought of living my life without the OW honestly seems more than I can bear.
Neither of these choices seems right. My parents want me to stay, my wife - I think - still wants me to stay. I don't know what to do and I am losing my mind. I can't get my work done, I can't sleep, my head hurts all the time - I am miserable.

I live in a small town and for a variety of reasons, PLan A would be all but impossible. IF - IF - I could swing that, it would mean giving up some of the most satisfying aspects of my life (longtime civic involvment in two organizations that are very important to me and which I happen to lead right now).

Some of you out there who have lived this - tell me something - anything. Please don't condemn me - even my wife understands we arrived at this place together.

I should add this: I am certainly at the withdrawal stage now, but when I am honest, I also know that my first mistake was marrying my wife. Looking back, I see so clearly now that I should have listened to the nagging voice raising doubts, rather than tell myself it was just nerves.

Please help!

I live in a small town and for a variety of reasons, PLan A would be all but impossible.
I think you are about confused. Plan A is what a betrayed spouse (your wife) does to a wayward spouse (you).

IF - IF - I could swing that, it would mean giving up some of the most satisfying aspects of my life (longtime civic involvment in two organizations that are very important to me and which I happen to lead right now).
If you could swing what? Why would you have to give up anything (except ow?)

Please don't condemn me
Perhaps a few will but let it roll of your back. Most here won't.

even my wife understands we arrived at this place together.
Perhaps it was up to the pont where you started your affair 11 years ago.

But the affair was solely your doing.

I should add this: I am certainly at the withdrawal stage now
ONLY if you have ended ALL contact with the ow.

but when I am honest, I also know that my first mistake was marrying my wife.
Famous last (first?) words by the wayward spouse.

First thing you need to do is to end ALL contact with the ow. ZERO CONTACT! ANd do it in a short letter, not in person (cause you won't actually end it then).

Read the links below.

I must have been unclear:

1) I am in the withdrawal stage from my wife (as in the stages of marriage)

2) I thought Plan A was cutting off all contact with OW. In my case, that would be very, very difficult to do because of our respective situations.

3) Part of those "situations" has to do with important civic activities. No contact with the other woman would also mean that I would be giving up much of what makes my professional life meaningful.

4) The affair was mine, but the wife who contributed to our problems is a real factor. She knows it and has tried to change.

5) I should not have married her. I know that.

Well, we also live in a small town and cutting off all contact with the OM was difficult, but we accomplished it. And it is ESSENTIAL to healing. You won't have any success without it.

I know you believe everything you are saying to be the truth...why else would you say it, right? But I said almost everything you did above at one time...and I realize now the half truths of all of it. Your emotions blur your thinking more than you probably even realize.

Your marriage could be everything you ever wanted it to be, but not without real effort and committment from you. And yes, it will hurt. But you need to be realistic about what the alternative is. It is not the pretty picture you have painted in your head of running off in to the sunset with the OW and living happily ever after. That's a movie scene...not real life. That's one of the things I learned the hard way. The realization that no matter how much I wished things would have been different...they weren't...and no matter how I dreamed life would be had I not met my H...I did and I married him. So the reality was that he was a factor in my life and always would be. And after further realization...I came to understand that if I hadn't met him and had married the OM...life would have turned out the same in many ways. Because I would have been the same and we would have started out the same way H and I started out. When you're young and inexperienced...you don't tend to do everything right the first time.

If you notice the name of this site is Marriage Builders.

If you want to end the marriage, then your not gonna get any support for that here.
If you want to do the best/right thing, then you'll get plenty of support.

2) I thought Plan A was cutting off all contact with OW.
It's not.

In my case, that would be very, very difficult to do because of our respective situations.
It'as only as difficult as you want to make it. You should do EVERYTHING possible to have ZERO contact with the ow including moving and getting a new job if necessary.

3) Part of those "situations" has to do with important civic activities. No contact with the other woman would also mean that I would be giving up much of what makes my professional life meaningful.
But you chose to get into those activities. Timew to face up to real life.

4) The affair was mine, but the wife who contributed to our problems is a real factor. She knows it and has tried to change.
Anything she has done has zero contribution to you continuing an affair for 11 years.

5) I should not have married her. I know that.
Again, almost every single ws says the same. Your situation is no different from the thousands of others.

I'm not saying you need to be 100% committed right this minute but you should know the facts.
Keep on reading. And not just the forums/message boards. Read the articles too.

Eleven years is a long time.

Yes it is. You're damn lucky if your wife still wants you around.

My secretary's husband had an ongoing affair for 20 years. 20 YEARS! With a good friend!

10 years ago my secretary said enough. He'd sworn to her over and over and over that he'd stopped seeing her, and over and over and over he would be caught in another lie. She said, you can have her, I hope she's worth everything you're losing. He decided she wasn't. She was just another person...one whom he was addicted to.

Today, my secretary and this xOW are actually friends again. We live in a small town...avoiding one another was difficult. But they did it as long as it was necessary...and now, 10 years later, they can all be in the same room together. The xOW's husband knows of everything too. Needless to say, all parties involved have made major changes...grown a lot over the years.

Anyway, if you're point with 11 years is that it can't be done...that's just not true. You and the mess you created are not as unique as you would like to believe.

I am sure there are others who have had lenghty affairs. Even I can hardly believe twenty years! I don't, however, understand all this talk of "addiction" - how can one tell the difference between love and addiction? Please explain.

So isn't 18 years.... by the way your wife was in the same marriage did she cheat on you for 11 years?? Or did she provide you with a loving home for you and your children while you were out screwing around. Sorry f this soounds harsh but you really brought out emotions in my being the BS.
SH01

Stillhurting:
I understand your reaction. I understand my wife's feelings, my lover's feelings...I think this thing to death....
Yes, my wife did provide a loving home for our children, not so much for me. I never understood how she could think sex two or three times a year was normal. We talked about it and I pleaded with her, then finally gave up. I told her I was not going to beg for sex. I didn't - I found it elsewhere. And now here I am.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Eleven years is a long time </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So is eighteen.

You seem to want to make your BW soley responsible for your affair ... yes while she contributed to the environment for the affair SO DID YOU. Have you accepted and owned your 50% of that?

The affair is still 100% YOUR responsibilty.

Your BW didn't have an affair and must love you a great deal to allow you to abuse her and her heart for 11 years.

Tell me something ... beyond the "I should have never married my wife" typical WS bull (which I heard too during my husband's A) have you ever done anything to try and repair your marriage... like marriage counseling?

Actually I'm with you (I was a FWW too so don't write this off as a bitter BS) -- leave your wife for your OW .. your wife deserves something better than a man who would abuse her for 11 years, and blame her for his character flaws, etc.

As far as the children are concerned, you seem to care very little about how much you've hurt your wife -- I'm sure your children will understand ... and since you live in a very small town they will find out. (you know how small towns are)

I'm sure the clock is already on count down with your 13 year old daughter.

You decide how this is going to end . . .

1. Do you put your best foot forward and try to rebuild and reconcile with your wife... go to No Contact (NC) with your OW (which is not impossible even in your sitch) throw yourself into your marriage and when your children do find out -- you can show them that Dad is actually a strong, upright guy.

2. Or do you let the affair continue and when your children find out (which they will) they will also feel betrayed by the man they looked up to and felt was honorable (remember no matter how you justify it, they love their mother and they will construct their view over the values they have been taught) -- they may end all contact with you.

3. OR do you divorce your wife for your lover -- when your children find out (which they will) they will feel such divided loyalties and torn ethics, questioning everything that they were raised to beleive -- that some part of them will hate what you brought to their doorstep... while they may still accept you, they may never accept OW.

So what help do you want?
A blessing for you and OW? not going to happen
Encouragement to put all you have into your marriage and end all contact with OW? We will give you truckloads.

way2

<small>[ November 21, 2003, 06:03 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

I see...it was obviously her fault for not providing sex for you. Of course...she probably needed things from you that you didn't openly provide either. Committment for one.

You are a textbook case, CF. Stop thinking this thing to death when you don't have all the information you need to SOLVE anything. You're wasting your time and energy. Start reading...start learning. Try Harley's His Needs Her Needs, Love Busters, Surviving an Affair...Torn Asunder or Not just Friends. You will see yourself and your wife in those stories. Whether or not the two of you become another sad statistic or a miraculous survival story is really up to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I never understood how she could think sex two or three times a year was normal. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And did you both go to a medical doctor to see if it was something organic that was causing this?

And did you encourage you wife to go to counseling to see if was emotional?

In short did you do everything you could have to find out the reason why?

When I shut down sexually from my xhusband and we only had sex once every few months it was because I could not have sex with someone who beat me. I'm not saying you beat your wife -- but I am saying that there is a reason.

Did you try and find it?

way2

<small>[ November 21, 2003, 02:24 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

Did you ever tell her that you were on the verge of going elsewhere for sex???? I don't know all the particulars in your situation.. but I know when my children were small I was exhausted the last thing on my mind was sex. My H also had a habit of talking down to me and then expect loving at night. For alot of women love making starts with good morning and loving gestures through out the day.
I guess what digusts me so much about your situation is you didn't have the backbone to leave the marriage before you started screwing around. You let it go on for 11 years.. I'm sorry no family deserves to be treated like that. All that energy that you could of been giving to your family...
SH01

I remember back to when I was thinking thinking thinking about what the right answer was, what the right choice was. This thread is right along the lines of where my thought process led.\

I came to understand that the A was not inevitable...and was not my H's fault. The fact was that we BOTH were unskilled in dealing with marriage, we BOTH made mistakes that led to our problems...but I, and I alone, made the disgusting decision to look outside our marriage for support and sympathy. Yes, I was hurting. Yes, I forgive myself. But it was a poor poor decision...whether I conciously said to myself "Yea, I'm going to do this" or not. I fell in to it probably much like you did...but it was still a decision.

I still don't understand the references to "addiciton" How does one know the difference between addiction and that feeling we are trying to get back to with our spouses?

Hi CF,

I am a former WS who was (is) thoroughly addicted to my affair/OW

To quickly answer your question, I'll offer something that came up in my affair:

As the affair progressed, the OW began experiencing depression and anxiety that she had to seek treatment for. Her therapists told her that her problems arose from her inability to cleanly manage the double life she was leading.

Now here's the important part:

If I had truly loved her like I thought I did, my concern would have been for how to help her get better. For her, getting better meant ending our relationship. But instead, I wanted to do everything to keep our affair going - EVEN if it was hurting her. I go over this in my mind everytime I start falling into the "maybe I really did love her" thought mode. Love would've wanted the best thing for her - I didn't.

One thing that is not clear in your posts - why do you now find yourself at the crossroads? This has been going on for 11 years. What has happened to change things? You mention that the OW has recently divorced. Is she pressuring you for more? Do you feel like you owe her more because her marriage dissolved because of you?

While everyone here is going to encourage you to restore your marriage, you need to be very clear about your choices and the potential outcomes. I think you need to understand why you are going to do what you do well beforehand.

You don't have to feel guilt about what happened to the OW's marriage. She is an adult - that's why it's called "adultery." It was her choice as well as yours. So don't let this influence the decision you must make.

Consider that your wife is making the changes needed to recover your marriage. Does this encourage you or is it "too little, too late"?

11 years is a long time to invest in a relationship. So is 18 years. I certainly wouldn't want to have to make that choice.

If you choose to continue your marriage, I think moving and a job change will definitely be something your should consider. NO CONTACT is pretty much a necessity to end an affair.

So, to clarify your choices:

1) Choose you marriage - involves cutting off all contact with OW, even to extreme measures.

2) Continue the status quo with both women - I doubt neither will be good with this since OW is now "back on the market" and your wife is trying to change.

3) Choose the OW - This is clearly a choice you could make, although there is pain involved in this for everyone and it's not what most would recommend. Be assured that your new marriage wouldn't be anything like the affair. The new wife won't be anything like the woman you've known these past 11 years either. It is big gamble, with very high stakes.

Choose carefully,

Low

What has brought me to this crossroads is this: for the last eleven years, neither OW nor I believed we wanted to end our marriages. Each of us was - is - concerned about our children and were willing to tolerate bad marriages for thier sakes. My analogy is this: for the last eleven years, I've had a horrible headache and my lover has been my aspirin. Now that her husband is gone, I know she doesn't want to - and I don't want her to have to do this - sit at home weekend and night after night all alone while I am with my family. That isn't fair. But - neither of us wants to give up the other. AFter eleven years, I think we are capable of understanding that we do in fact love each other, and, as I said before - she is the best friend I've EVER had.

I fear that I will stay for my children, try to make it work, lose the OW, and then discover it is too late for my marriage. I am afraid. I don't want to hurt my children, I don't want to lose my lover, and I don't know how to resolve all this.

My analogy is this: for the last eleven years, I've had a horrible headache and my lover has been my aspirin. Now that her husband is gone, I know she doesn't want to - and I don't want her to have to do this - sit at home weekend and night after night all alone while I am with my family. That isn't fair.

Aspirin numbs the symptoms of your "headache." It does absolutely nothing to cure it.

Selfishness, your's and the OW's have got you into this mess. 11 years this has been going on. That seems about the time your wife was pregnant with your youngest.

You can't tell your kids because you won't be able to answer their questions. How many times have they heard you say "I love you" to your wife? I wonder if they will think you have the same kind of love for them.

If you are going to live this kind of life then man-up, show some balls and face the consequences of your actions. It seems to be all about you and how this will impact your social status, your job/career. Hurting your wife and kids seems like an after thought.

OW's marriage "problem" was solved by her husband, she didn't have to end it because her husband bailed. It seems that you don't have that luxury at the moment. It is time to see what you are made of now....

here is a quote for you by de Gaulle:

Faced with crisis, the man of character falls back upon himself

Where you falling?

Maybe this is too harsh. I don't want your marriage to end. I think that it can be fixed and you and your wilfe can have a marrige that your kids will want to have when they marry. You and your wife are in my prayers.

God bless

<small>[ November 21, 2003, 04:35 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I fear that I will stay for my children, try to make it work, lose the OW, and then discover it is too late for my marriage. I am afraid. I don't want to hurt my children, I don't want to lose my lover, and I don't know how to resolve all this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I notice one person is missing from those you don't want to hurt -- your wife, lovely how you seem to care so little for someone who would put up with so much.

What does come through loud and clear is "I"

Let me see if this helps ...

You've already hurt your children.

You took time away from them to be with OW.
You took a stable enivornment away from them by having an A.
You took away the example of a man who cared for their mother.
You took from them the example of how two people work FOR a marriage.

You gave them the idea that running away from problems and issues is okay.
You gave them the idea that to hurt their spouse for their own needs is okay.
You gave them the idea that one person's happiness at the expense of everyone else is okay.

You didn't show them how to work through problems.
You didn't show them how to stay when the going got tough.

Either you cut your "safety net" and throw everything into your marriage -- as your wife is willing to do in making changes...

You want guarantees -- there aren't any, there never was...grow up.

Your wife is willing to work with that even though she knows that it maybe too late... next to her you sound like a child.

OR divorce

stop using your children as an excuse .. it will only make you resent them and make you bitter toward them.

They've already been hurt and if they don't know Daddy has been scr*wing some other woman .. they will find out some day.

Bet they'd like Daddy to work for his marriage, their family and their happiness.

way2

<small>[ November 21, 2003, 11:24 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>