I am married for 6 years now and together for 9 years. We have had our ups and downs. Some really bad. We almost got separated, but I stopped it by begging and pleading. It seems I am always at fault according to my husband and he is always right. He put me through alot and I have hung on. Every time we argue I always think of the man I left behind, but could never find him. Now I have found him and called him, 9 years later. We spoke twice already and I feel feelings back when we were together. To make a long story short, I had to choose between him and my husband 9 years ago and now I feel I choose the wrong man. By talking to him I wish I could go back in time and change my choice. I am now with two kids. My husband is treating me better, but now all i remember is the past and all the problems and how stupid I was to stay. This has all been brought back because I am trying to find a way out of my marriage I guess. Is it worth it. Should I keep speaking to the other man. I feel like I do not love my husband anymore, or do I. Speaking to the OM has opened up a new perspective. I am unhappy and happy talking to the OM. He has a child too, but not with the mom. I am sitting back waiting for a reason now to get divorced and to to the OM. I am confused and sometimes wish that I had not found him because I would not be having this problem. What should I do.

Well, as I just said to conflicted father....the idea that your life would be a fairy tale if you had married him and not your husband, is not reality. Think about it...if that were true then EVERYBODY must have picked the wrong person the first time around, because EVERYBODY has problems at some point.

I'm telling you right now....if you run away from your marriage and in to the arms of this other man...life will become 200% more complicated and painful that it will be if you sit tight and re-commit to your marriage. You can learn new skills to operate within your marriage and you CAN be MORE than happy again. You think you would be settling...but in all reality, if you leave you will be settling. Because you will be selling yourself short of a life changing experience....growth. Are you wanting to be in this same spot another 9 years down the road? And what then? Will you run again, or will you stick it out that time? If you do...don't you think you'll look back at the hell you put yourself, your exspouse and your kids through by not doing that the first time and have regrets?

Dear Sad:

In order to restore your M and make it stronger, you must:

1. Tell your husband
2. Write a NC letter to the OM and mean and do NO CONTACT
3. Print off the EN questionnaire and LB questionnaire for you and your husband to fill out.


I would suggest you buy "Surviving an Affair" and consider MC.

You should also either block the OM email address or throw away his phone number or do whatever it takes to not contact him again.

Good luck dear,
DB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Should I keep speaking to the other man. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No you should end all contact and put all your energies into rebuilding your marriage.

Tell you husband and go to marriage counseling.
Work on making your marriage the best. Then IF it fails you will know that you gave it all you had and your best shot.

But to do that you must end all contact with OM and throw everything you have into your marriage and rebuilding.

Read "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving the Affair" and ask your husband to read them also.

Do the work... as Dr. Phil says.. "you have to earn your way out of marriage."

way2

<small>[ November 21, 2003, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

As hard as it is to hear and believe, you will only be exchanging one set of problems for another.

You need to figure out why it is you are feeling what you are feeling and how to rectify it. Trust me, the OM is not the answer to the question and you will only find yourself back at this point if you go down that road.

Expecting someone else to fill your needs and provide you with happiness is very unhealthy.

It's when we get to the point of relying on our S to make us happy and then when we think our S stops making US happy that we are truly in trouble.

Originally posted by sadomua:
I am unhappy and happy talking to the OM. He has a child too, but not with the mom.

Sooooo, really look at what you wrote.

You are unhappy.
You feel happy when talking to OM.
OM has a child (I presume out of wedlock).

Why are you really unhappy? What needs are going unmet that makes you feel unhappy? Are you really unhappy ... or simply in a rut and experiencing marital doldrums? Is part of your unhappiness YOUR responsibility? Is the lack of excitement in your marriage because you have not made special effort? Are you unhappy and you cannot communicate that to your husband?

Your marriage sounds like it has stressors. One being you both have immature communication skills and have developed bad habits toward each other.

So, you change men, and the new guy talks pretty ... and you get turned on by the attention. And the more you get turned on by the novelty of this attentive guy, the madder you get at your husband, and his faults begin to grow and grow. Hubby just doesn't compare to "new guy".

But wait! Let's look at new guy.

Besides being sweet on you .... what qualities does her offer?

He has a child with another woman. Unmarried.
He does not respect the boundary of marriage vows.
He is willing to sneak around, possibly breaking up a family.

Gee.... are you sure you want to fall in love with a man who shows these weaknesses?

Let's look into the crystal ball and fortell the future*********

*You divorced your Hubby, and your kids are none too happy about that.
*They are not keen on the OM being their step-dad, after all, OM helped break up their home.
*The kids have to be shuffled between two houses ... divided in their loyalties.
*The kids get the idea that marriage is temporaty and that it is OK to cheat.
*You are co-step-parenting another woman's child, and you don't like her or the child much.
*Some of your income goes to child support.
*OM's child has to be divided on holidays as well. And you get to do the driving.
*OM's child is miserable that when she visits her daddy she has to share her time with a new woman (you) and other kids (yours).
*OM spends alone time with his child. You resent this, because it interferes with your time and your kids' time.
*OM's child's mother wants you to take her child for visitation when she has vacation plans, and it interferes with your plans. Too bad.
*You can't say anything because you are only the step-mom.
*OM disiplines your kids too harshly, and they cry and want to go live with their daddy.
*No one gets along.
*Everyone is now unhappy.
*You get married. But you will always wonder .... If he was willing to cheat with me .... he might cheat ON ME and you don't sleep well at night.

*************

The buble of your fantasy life with OM .... real life is going to make the jerk look pretty tarnished.

If you pick your men for their principles, morals, and ethics .... instead of "he makes me feel yummy" .... then we'd have a conversation of a completely different caliber.

Pep

Pep,

Right on as usual...

The only thing I would add is what I just posted to someone else--that in these messes (affairs) the first step ought to be to reduce the number of relationships in the picture, if for no other reason than to simplify things.

I agree with Terminator
The one you ought to drop is the OM not the one you're married to.

You are not in love with two men. You are in love with one man and one nine year old fantasy.

You have two children and they belong with you and their father and no one else.

H

My perspective is that you aren't in love with either one. You wouldn't put OM through h... in divorcing his wife and you wouldn't put H through it either.

What you are is very unhappy and the way to become happy is to fall in love with your H.

Harley says something very interesting -- it's not really WHO you marry, it is HOW you live after you marry that determines if you are happily married.

Work on the HOW, not the WHO. Just think of how much easier it would be if you felt about your H the way you feel about OM. AND THEN GO MAKE THAT A REALITY. Your H will wake up if you tell him the truth now and not go down the path that is awful for everyone involved, including children.

These people in this particular forum just give the best advice... and so graciously also.

I nodded my head in agreement with all of it. To reiterate... you will only be exchanging problems. Why not just work on your current marital problems rather than start all over with a brand new set of problems?

10 years from now, if you have worked out your problems with husband, you will feel sooo good! BUT 10 years from now, if you are miserable with OM, you will be filled with regret. You might even find yourself in a 2nd divorce. Your current husband will more than likely hate you by then (for having an affair and divorcing him to be with OM), your children might resent you, and you will wish you could go back to what you once had... before the OM entered the picture.

It does sound like you and your husband, from what you mentioned, have some serious problems. But having another man in your life will only add to those problems and will do nothing to help the situation. Also, in the long run... you will always have to live with the fact that you cheated on your husband. You will always have to know that you were unfaithful. It can, in the future, cause you tremendous guilt, regret, and shame. Why bring that upon yourself?

I personally think it was a mistake you searched for this man. We always seem to think that the "grass is greener" but you know what? It still has to be mowed, it still turns brown, and it still needs watering. The grass is NOT greener.

And in all honesty, what does it say about this man if he is willing to have an affair with you while you are married?? IF he's willing to mess around with a married woman... well, don't be surprised if that carries on into your marriage as well. He obviously is not very trustworthy if he is willingly enterreing into an affair with you while you are married.

You are playing with fire and if you don't literally flee it, you WILL get burned!

You were not stupid to stay in your marriage or to chose your husband, who also happens to be the father of your children.

Love is not a feeling. True love loves even when it does not feel. True love chooses to act lovingly even when the feelings are not there. You will find too that as you chose to love, you will begin to feel in love.

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 06:33 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Lets see. Ten years ago you made a choice between two men.

Now, ten years later, the one you did not choose is still single, either had a child out of wedlock or divorced the mother (not sure on that one), and is now carrying on an illicit relationship with a married woman.

The man you did choose is still married to you, is providing for his wife and children, does not carry on with married women, and by your own admission, though there were problems, he still loves you enough to learn from them and is treating you better.

Sounds to me like you picked the right man.
Michael

<small>[ November 22, 2003, 08:27 AM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]</small>

That is a very good point Michael!

throw my 2 cents in, listen to all the advice, it is good sound advice learned the hard way in the school of hard knocks.

Normally folks don't appear here, or realize themselves, the disaster in the making until after the affair has happened.

You have through some lucky happenstance, and to your credit, managed to find probably the best possible place to get useful feedback in your life.

Affairs serve two purposes in the human condition..

1. They are a huge wakeup call that ones life is not working right.

2. They inevitiably create a crisis that cannot be ignored, so ones life adjusts, that can be for better or worse though, depending on how one deals with this.

You are fortuneate in apparently being early pre-affair....so can realize all the benefits, but haven't really done anything to terrible (and having to deal with that fall out). Enough has transpired that you are aware your marriage is not working right, and cannot be ignored...you are also alerted to the fact you are vulnerable to being unfaithful, something that distresses most people when they succomb. The reason you are vulnerable is two-fold.

1. The marriage isn't working.

2. You did not (probably) have any idea how powerful feelings can be in leading us to make poor choices, so now you can work on that BEFORE you do something regrettable.


How to proceed.

1. Continue reading here until you become utterly convinced (as you will) that participateing in an affair has absolutely no good benefits....the only benefit is shaking up your life, but you allready recieved that benefit, and are getting off cheap...you are very very lucky. Disengage from om RIGHT NOW, and continue on with the next step.

2. Your only "crime" and it isn't much, is some conversation with om. You are unhappy, that is ok, and reaching out to others is what people do, no real harm at this point. Tell the om you want to work on your marriage, and cannot do so while talking with him, and to please respect your boundary by not contacting you. If he won't honor that, he is not marriage material anyways, cause he is all about himself...got it?

3. Read all the literature here about how marriage works, when up to speed tell your H you are unhappy and considering leaveing, but want to see if the marriage is reconcileable....tell him you know this because you started having feelings for someone else, and that disturbed you. He will ask how far it went, you are fortuneate in being able to tell him went nowhere, just a few conversations, and you ended the communication...If your H makes a big deal out of this, I would not tolerate it from him, you have done nothing wrong, and are giving him the gift of honesty and openness....if he wants his marriage he better get on board right quick...be very firm.

4. Seek out a good counsellor, apply healthy techniques such as MB, and see where it goes. You might also need to do self-introspective work, on who you are and what you want too...Dr Phil Mcgraws (self-matters) books are good for this.

5. Park yourself on this site, you will be able to brainstorm, and be held accountable with folks who completely understand what you are going through, is a good reality check.

6. You may find things deteriorate, if so you can seperate and eventually divorce if that is what needs to be....but if you do so the right way, rather than the wrong way, you will heal a whole lot faster, and it will be better for all of the family as well...... Either way, restoration or divorce, the outcome will reflect a healthy effort and you will be much happier, and smarter about relationships...better able to live your life, and mentor your children when they marry...definitely a win win thing. As for the other guy, if anything there is possible, it will be there in the future, in the proper time and place....now is not the time or place, and anything good would be destroyed anyways....you cannot run from one person to another...that is like curing brain cancer by cutting off your head....it just doesn't work....and is extremely destructive....You have to resolve your marriage first, by itself, on it's own merits, without a duplicious mind, or distracted by other relationships.

good luck

Well thank you for your advise. Sometimes I wonder If I had not spoken to the OM on the phone that one day that I would not be going through this now. I have only spoken to him twice. I question myself about when I should call him again. I have had problems in my marriage since the honey moon. We always seem to argue. To tell the whole story I could write a book. I have put up with a lot. I have hung in there. Sometimes you can only take so much. My H has two children, one from a previous marriage and one from a live together, one is 17 and the other 15. He started out early. Well to make a long story short, so you understand more my perdicament, we have argued senselessly about things continuously for 9 years. When we married and had our first child, he never helped (feeding, diapers, ect.) His excuse was his job was harder than mine. It was frustrating, stressful. He would work late and go out with the guys while I stayed home to be a Mom. This continued for a while. His ex always pushed his child at me, continuously saying he helped her with that child (feeding, diapers, etc). This always made me feel bad. Why could he not have done it with me. His children by the way are girls. We have boys, he always wanted a boy.

Well, I decided to have another child hoping it was a girl, maybee it would help get this woman off my back. Understand she will drill my head daily (he loves her more than yours, he did this and that and so on and so on). We had another boy. No more kids after that. We continuously came home late hanging with the guys. I felt ugly. I had no self-esteem. There were beutiful woman in his job. Sometimes I thought he had an affair with one, but there was no proof.

Ongoing, each time things would get worse, I would think of the OM, but had lost contact with him. My H to this day is jelous of him. I think he is the only person he is jelous of.

My mother died and I lost my best friend. I have no help now with the kids, its hard. We moved three years ago. It helped our marriage in a way. We got away from it all. It still follows us. The phone calls do not stop. He does not go out as much, but we still argue constantly. It stops and starts again.

It has gotten routine. There is no more romance. No more romantic gestures. Still no help with the kids who are 5 and 7 now.

And now the phone call from the OM. His child is out of wedlock by the way. He is not with the mother, who is a horrible person. He had to take her to court because she would not let him see his child. He pays child support and sees her every other weekend. He is a good father. Just hearing his voice and his stories excite me.

I looked for him so many times and could not find him. Now that I have I dont want to let that go. I dont know if he cares about me the same, so it is not like an "affair" yet. I just do not want to lose contact, just in case.

I dont know what is going to happen. I have alot on my plate. (home, children, etc.) But, what if he was always the one. What if I let him go and my husband leaves me for another woman and I regret this for the rest of my life because I had to make my marriage work?

I told you it is a long story. A lot of heart ache and pain. Confusion is what fills the air right now. Whats wrong and whats right. To hold on to something that probably has gone a long time ago, or is it still there? By the way he treats me sometimes I feel like im just a room mate not a wife.

Sadomua nobody here is going to tell you to stay in a marriage which is unsalvageable. Marriage requires the work of BOTH spouses BUT what you have to keep in mind is that unless you commit to the MB principles to change YOURSELF, you have no business being involved in another relationship. Approximately 97% of marriages resulting from affairs fail because the people in them don't have the tools necessary to make marriage work, so they end up doing what they did in their earlier relationship, they leave. If your marriage falls let it be because of your H's unwillingness to follow the MB principles and not because of you running away with somebody who is of dubious worth as a potential lifelong companion.

<small>[ November 24, 2003, 09:38 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Sado,

You know it takes two people to argue. Don't be one of the two people, change the rules of engagement by yourself and see if your H doesn't start to change. You can make a huge difference, but it makes no sense to ask him not to do something (like argue) and then do it yourself.

If you don't read anything else on this site, read the articles about love busters and stop your love busters. Your H will notice. He will notice.

Your old BF is going to cause you a lot of trouble, and the "what if" game you are playing is a game for FOOLS. "What if" doesn't happen. What happens is what is going on in your marriage, with your children, and in your mind. You can control that, you have no control over "what if", because "what if" is just a fantasy and not a good one either.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL