i have been married for 4yrs and together a total of 9yrs. my wife had an affair for over a year with a former coworker. it has been very difficult. i am young and disabled, 28, i am a big person as well. i am 6'4" and 290lbs. for those reasons i have been turned down for social security disability, because i look so healthy they say i must not have a back problem. anyways this started in 1999 and since my wife has been the sole provider for a family of 5. she was laid off from the place they worked together at and when she found another job he followed her there.as you can imagine am extremely jealous of him. 3 months ago the affair ended, and we began our recovery.she was having almost as much trouble with it as i was. guilt i guess, our counselor told her to get over it. 2 wks ago she told me she wanted to be apart for a couple of weeks because she is unhappy. he wants to be apart so she can start missing me and hopefully get back to where we were in the past.we are each others best friends, no doubt about it. i want to find another way without being apart. i understand what she means, but i don't like it. she doesn't show me the affection that i use to help me cope with my back problem. but the more e are around each other the more miserable i think she becomes. neither one of us wants our relationship to end, thats why she says she wants to be apart, it isn't even n option. i don't know what to do, i don't have a very good relationship with my mother so i don't want to stay there and my father past away last year, another of my problems, so when i left i slept in my truck and told her i was staying at a friends. well she found out and threw a fit and made me come home. so we are back to square one.

hd4x,

Seperation is almost never the answer to marital problems. You can't very well work on your marriage if you are seperated. Nor will trying to make her "miss" you solve the problem. That is just a game that is a temporary fix at best.

What has to happen here is you need to find out why she has fallen out of love. What needs of hers are NOT being met? While there is never an excuse for adultery, it is usually an indication that her needs are NOT being met. And she sounds very miserable from what you say.

Why can't you work? Has she lost respect for you because of this?

I didn't notice any specific question in your post.

So, welcome!

I was wondering, what is the specific nature of your disability?

Who takes care of the 5 kids? I assume it is you, correct? If you left your home ... then who would watch the kids while wife works?

I think if anyone should leave, let it be her. YOU stay put.


Pep

hd:

"she was laid off from the place they worked together at and when she found another job he followed her there.'

And is she still there? She should quit that job too, or get him to quit.

"our counselor told her to get over it."

Your counselor is an insensitive twit. Sorry, but this IS hard to get over. For you AND her. Have you read the articles about infidelity on the home page here? You should. They're very good and can help you a lot.

"2 wks ago she told me she wanted to be apart for a couple of weeks because she is unhappy. he wants to be apart so she can start missing me and hopefully get back to where we were in the past."

This WILL NOT WORK. More than likely, she'll get back with the OM. being on her own will only make it easy for him to meet her without having to worry about you getting in the way. The best thing to do, by far, is to stay together and work together on your problems. Read the articles about "love busting" on the home page as well. It is VERY important that you not come off as disrespecting your W or judging her in any way. It is hard, particularly so soon after discovering her affair, but absolutely essential.

"the more e are around each other the more miserable i think she becomes."

And you need to ask yourself why this is. Are you having arguments? Like I said before, it is very important that you be as considerate of her feelings as you can right now. If it's something about your interactions that's causing her to be miserable, change that. Because we can only change ourselves, we can't expect to change others.

"neither one of us wants our relationship to end, thats why she says she wants to be apart, it isn't even n option. i don't know what to do, i don't have a very good relationship with my mother so i don't want to stay there and my father past away last year, another of my problems, so when i left i slept in my truck and told her i was staying at a friends. well she found out and threw a fit and made me come home. so we are back to square one. "

Huh? She wants to be apart, but she wants YOU to move out? Don't do it. Try, lovingly of course, to get her to agree to stay. But if that doesn't work, then SHE needs to be the one to move out since she's so insistent that you need to be apart.

hd, please take care of yourself. The boards get pretty quiet on the weekends (and it's already friday night). You might not get a lot of responses until Monday (then it's Bird Day next week). But there are a lot of people that can help you here. You've come to the right place.

best,
-Qfwfq/2long

I hit the "reply" button before I was done! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

To continue, I would suggest getting ahold of the book His Needs/Her Needs and printing out the emotional needs questionaires on this website. It would probably be helpful if you both took the questionaires to determine what her emotional needs are and how you are meeting them.

lol! lets all talk at the same time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Mel:

Hey, 2long owes you 5 bucks! Don't let him get away with not cutting you a check!

-Qfwfq/2long

Qfwfq, that 2Long is a shameless welcher!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Mel:

If we keep this up, hd will think it's like this ALL WEEKEND! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I wish it could be. Hang in there, hd!

-Qfwfq/2long

my disability is degenerative disk disease, all the disks in my back are tearing. i can honestly say that this problem does not bother my W. anything it makes her stronger. i stay with the kids and there is 3 kids and us 2. she doesn't know why she is unhappy. she works 60-70hrs per week and is extremely tired, which puts eveything on edge. when we try to discuss things either one of us gets upset because the other said something they didn't really men because we are trying to not upset the other which is exactly what happens. i don't want her to quit her job because for the mean time this is the best job opportunity in her life. and he got a job there after she ended it he said"if i am around her she will come back", if anything its made her dislike him even more. thanks for reassuring me that we shouldn't be apart. i told her thatsince we are best friends we should be able to find another way through this. i just didn't know exactly what to do. looking through the website has really helped me understand quite a few things. thanks again for you advice. -hd

Originally posted by hd4x41:


i am young and disabled, 28, i am a big person as well. i am 6'4" and 290lbs. for those reasons i have been turned down for social security disability, because i look so healthy they say i must not have a back problem.

28 is very young to be 100% disabled from degenerative disc disease. That disorder usually becomes severe in the 4th decade of life, not the 2nd.

Social security disability is not decided on how good someone looks .... but how the MRI looks. What does your MRI show?

Do you have health insurance? What type of therapy have your recieved? Are you taking daily pain medication? Do you need assistance from a cane, or a walker?

Are you able to accomplish your activities of daily living? (housework, driving your car, shopping, etc.)

Here is a very important question .... are you depressed?

Seems to me, you may have accepted this back pain situation prematurely. There are options of care for DJD. Sometimes you must agressively act as your own advocate. Get more help! Newer treatments are available all the time.

What are you currently doing to improve your pain? I would suggest weight loss is a good place to start. Walking and stretching help.

I have DJD of the spine. I have taken control of my life and manage quite well.

What is your neurological exam like? Do you have normal reflexes? A foot drop or drag? Does your condition affect your bladder or bowel control?

Seems to me, you might not be aggresive enough pushing for treatment. There are things that will help you restore a higher quality of life.

Pep

i stay with the kids and there is 3 kids and us 2. she doesn't know why she is unhappy. she works 60-70hrs per week and is extremely tired, which puts eveything on edge.

Who cleans house , does laundery and shopping?

i exhausted every option available, ive tried injections, ive had surgery(2, 2 level fusions posterior and anterior), i've tried spine stimulators, and i am a walking pharmacy. and my psycologist says if i wasn't depressed i would really have problems. i take 160mg of methadone and 120 mg of morphine instant release a day. i am constantly seeing new doctors, and the newest step is theyre going to take out the hardware in my back,9 screws, 5 rods. and just because looks and age aren't supposed to factor in ssd's decision, it does. i do what housework i can and my wonderful children help with the rest. they have adapted really well. we have one child together (7)and she has two from her first marriage, (9) which have raised since her was 6 mnths and (16) so i get alot of help with whatever i need.
i was up all night reading evrything on this website and i'm pretty excited. one thing she is really having a problem with is her age. she just turned 37, but doesn't look a day over 27. this really bothers her, getting old. i told her when we first met that i didn't care how old she was she would always be the most beautiful woman in the world. i don't understand why it bothers her so much. i think that when we talk tonight that things will do a turn around. i'll keep you updated.

<small>[ November 24, 2003, 04:36 PM: Message edited by: hd4x41 ]</small>

hello all i hope everyone has a happy thanksgiving