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Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 189
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I also posted this at "In Recovery", but I saw many more people here. I need advice yesterday...

My H started an A about 10 - 11 months ago. He moved out and filed for D shortly after. On 10/26, he moved back home but did not dismiss D petition. D can't be final until we jointly submit more paperwork.

About 1.5 weeks after moving home H became very depressed. Prior to that he was "guardedly happy". Since using that phrase he has changed it to "happy about certain things". So his first major slip came almost three weeks after he moved in (two Th's ago) when he went and saw her. Prior to that he sent a very mild NC letter that he refused to let me see because it had "personal" things in it. Since seeing her, he's started taking AD medication but says it hasn't really lessened his depression. I think it has, but he just can't see it. Now his depression is focused on not seeing her, before it was more widespread.

For almost the entire A, H has been "seeing" me too, despite his having filed for D. OW is unaware of any of this continued contact between H and myself. Regarding the D issue, H says much of his "paperwork" was completed to "appease" OW. Although what he would say now, I do not know. His assessment of his actions seem to change depending on how he is feeling about staying with me. When he feels good, I get comments like "she's a selfish ***"; he "knew he was being used", and he "would have been miserable with her if he stayed". When he feels depressed and very confused, like now, he tells me that he was just trying to convince himself that leaving her was what he wanted.

So last night, I hear for the first time that he gave himself a self-imposed deadline of today for him to decide either way...me or her. Tonight he is still confused, can't decide, and is spending the evening with her because she "needs" him. She gets major professional test results back today and he doesn't think anyone should go through that alone and he went through the whole test issue with her anyway--his words not mine. (Personally, I want her to fail so she will move away. On the other hand, this is the 3rd time she has taken this test and for her mental well-being, I hope she passes. How messed up is that?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I don't know what more to do. We've been in MC with a marriage counselor who in effect told H to keep secrets with me but told him he had to be honest with OW? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Am I wrong in thinking that it doesn't matter what he says to OW, because he shouldn't be seeing or talking to her period. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> At this point who gives a sh** if he lied to her, if she finds out and hates him, all the better in my mind.

We've finally set an appt to talk to Jennifer but I don't know if H will even talk to her anymore. He told me that the only reason he told me to schedule appt is because I wouldn't take no for an answer. I'm talking to her anyway, but I don't know what to do now. If I tell OW that he has lied for the past several months, H will move on the D. He tends to react out of anger. And since he's already filed for D, things would move quickly. I don't want a D. I want to save my marriage and do not know what to do next.

Any advice would be appreciated. Today has been a horrific day. Little ability to concentrate and all I can do is cry. I can't continue this way.

--Alone

<small>[ November 21, 2003, 09:01 PM: Message edited by: Feeling_Alone ]</small>

Joined: Sep 2003
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Start firmly in Plan A. It sounds like your marriage can be saved. You are able to talk with H and he is being honest with you. Read all about Plan A on this site, and don't give up. HUGS to you.

Joined: Feb 2002
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I am no expert and Jennifer WILL help you--if your H won't talk, you talk to her alone. She will help you with a plan.

My advice, from my own perspective, so take what feels right: continue Plan A, no LB's, don't cry in front of him, no questions right now, keep showing him how good things can be with you.

Work on yourself--spiritually, emotionally etc. Work out, take walks, pray, meditate, read about A's and perspectives about them ending. This will help you see the big picture.

Post here for help and support. I think you have a ways to go. His A needs to truly end and believe me, some of these WS's take FOREVER (it seems) to get it! That is my H. It has taken him almost two years from d-day to truly end ALL contact. OW still tries, but he refuses to engage.

Hang in there. Lots of good signs here too. Do what you need to strengthen and renew yourself. For me, whenever I felt that I reached the end of myself, Jesus was always there to lift me up and help me.

Sending you good thoughts.

Joined: Nov 2003
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Believer/Anne --

Thank you for the encouragement. When I posted, I think I was truly at my wits end. It seems like this has been going on for so long and I fully know that 6 months past d-day is nothing.

I've read a lot about A's and the varying viewpoints, etc. I especially liked SAA, which lead me to this website. For that alone, the money was worth it. The various stories here have truly given me encouragement and helped me believe that I'm not either stupid or naive for thinking we can fix our marriage.

I'm looking forward to talking to Jennifer. Keep sending those good thoughts. I'm feeling a little better now...maybe they're working.
--Alone

<small>[ November 21, 2003, 11:54 PM: Message edited by: Feeling_Alone ]</small>

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You have a confused H and he will stay that way as long as he keeps seeing the OW. In fact even after he stops seeing the OW the confusion will continue (at least that's been my experience). I hope that some of the more experienced members will pick up on your thread because they can offer you some solid advice on your situation.

My expreience with anti D's is they are minimal help. He will remain depressed as long as he thinks that there is some need only the OW can satisfy. Once he realizes that he doesn't need her he will be able to move on. He has to realize that and no ammount of pills will get him over that. The process is slow and it will take much patience before he gets to where he is himself again. Grief counseling may be in order for him. He needs to know that the path to recovery cannot include her in anyway therefore NC and not a mild letter but one that leaves no doubt that NC is what he wants.

I hope your days have gotten better since you posted this. I feel bad that I haven't spotted your post sooner.
H

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I know it is tempting to do so ... but don't "own" your husband's issues. His crisis forces him to face his own issues. Let him go face his crisis.

Your job right now is to tap into your strength, and to let go of trying to control the outcome. Plan-A is a tool you can really use right now.

There is a difference between hope and expectations. One creats loss, the other follows Spirit. Plan-A is hopeful, and does not demand an outcome, but creates a loving environment if your spouse is strong enough to end his affair.

Hold onto your hope for your future.
Trust that YOU will survive and thrive no matter what the outcome.
Do not surrender your future happiness to the decisions made by others.
Decide if you wish to be strong or weak in your Plan-A.
Make decisions from from your strongest and healthiest self.

God Bless

Pep

Joined: Aug 2003
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As usual I can't add to what Pep says, except:

Don't be afraid of being without a man. (Especially one who cheats on you and doesn't repent.)


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