hey pepper---i am in serious trouble with my teen son. i could use some help and advice.

caught him again with pot and alcohol. he is going downhill fast and i am not sure what to do. i am leaning towards re-hab of some sort. in patient kind of program because he also has emotional issues.

i know you have dealt with this and really could use some advice. if you dont feel comfortable here you can answer on the ladies forum.

thanks <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Well, this is no fun <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I have lots of questions:

How old is your little darlin'?

How is he doing in school?

Is he depressed?

Does he have a bad temper? Is he ever violent or threatens violence?

Has he been arrested? Will you allow his arrest if he continues down this path?

Is his Dad 100% with you on trying to work with this problem as a team?

What is he getting now in the way of perks that can be used as consequences? ie; car, expensive electronics, phone, outings, a bedroom door.....

~~~~~~~~~~

Our son is living in an out-of-state residental treatment program. It's really expensive, but we're not paying for it. We have help from the county dept of mental health and post adoption services. He is doing well there. He is flying home for his first visit since April. This place has probably saved his life .... and THAT'S an opinion out of our son's own mouth!!!!

Pep

ok here goes----

little dahhhling is just 14!

failing just about everything except art---which is where he is making his pot bowls to smoke with!

yes he is depressed

yes to the temper issues---usually hits a wall or door or throws stuff in his room. never threatened me yet.....

no he hasnt been arrested---havent really thought about calling the cops on him though. i'll have to ponder that one.

his dad????? gonna love this one. when i was on the phone with him last night he thought i should give junior dinner and send him to his room.(which by the way my hubby and i were in the middle of dismantleing at the time---finding all kinds of things!!!!)

i am now in the process of emptying his room and taking everything but his mattress away. his door has been gone for months. kid is gonna have nothing.

i am gonna look into treatment options this morning thru our insurance. he is major league pot head. water bongs and all. i believe he needs in-treatment and also outpatient follow up. his dad thinks a few counseling sessions will do it.

i am gonna figure out my plan and tell dad this is what we are doing....if he doesnt like it he can pick junior up and get a taste of whats going on.(he never will!)

thanks pepper.

Well .... as a parenting team, put your thinking caps on, and come up with your boundaries.

Don't talk to the darlin' until you both are commited to your boundaries.

Then declare war. (not exactly, but almost)

You have the RIGHT to have a drug-free home.

You have the RIGHT to feel safe in your home.

You have the RIGHT to have walls without holes punched through them.

You have the RIGHT to do a search whenever your gut tells you there is a need.

~~~~ I would go to the school, and tell the principal that if your child is allowed to continue creating drug bongs in art class .... he will be getting calls from newspaper and TV reporters <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ~~~~~

Request (in writing) for an IEP .... Individual educational plan ..... there is always resistance to this by the school system, but insist. There is money available.

He needs medical attention ASAP. These kids do dumb things, sometimes fatal things.

If there is any porn, booze, narcotic pain relievers or weapons in your home ..... take them to Granny's house. Get rid of anything sharp that's within easy reach.

We joined a parenting support group. It got us together in our goal setting. I was the wishy-washy marshmallow mom .... but no more. In our area, there is one called "Because I Love You" ... BILY. They have a web site, search google. BILY has flyers and advice for nearly every dumb stunt your child is likely to pull.

Our child was very severe. Suicide risk. Runaway. Hospiotalized 8 times .... but never arrested. (amazing) Whenever the cops got called , they'd handcuff him and take him to ER. He was manic and wild off and on.

Another tip ..... HIDE your money and valuables!

Pep

thanks pep---i have hid everything!!! i allready caught him stealing before.

went this morning to a addiction and counseling clinic. he is being admitted to the program tomorrow morning. (the little shi# thought i was joking)! he will go everyday till 4 pm. he gets picked up every morning. i like the program---seems really competant. they do school, drug re-hab and counseling all in one.

he is upstairs sulking now. hopefully this works---his counselour who interviewed him--4hrs--thinks he is on the cusp. addicted but very savable. says he is at a crossroads.

anyway--thanks for the info and support. i am sure i will be picking your brain on this further..

he is upstairs sulking now

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good start

1. find something for him to (hopefully) become interested in, probably including acess to a non-parental mentor. Anything, a sport, a hobby, just something different....kids are curious, and it may get his attention.

A. Fencing lessons.

B. Chess (and compeititions)

C. Model rocketry (with a club/group_

D. Art lessons in whatever he likes...say scultpting.

E. lots more stuff, you know him best...

F. riding lessons, or dog
training/compeition..there is a cool sport for dogs called flyball, lot of fun.

G. scuba lessons (not really too expensive through the ymca etc.


2. Some different social enviroment. Maybe volunteer work in a soup kitchen/shelter teaching the kids how to read etc.

Send him to one of those survival get to know yourself camps....added benefit is getting him in tune with the great outdoors.


Maybe send him to some kind of camp "school", outdoorsy stuff like building a shelter, orienteering, cooking etc.

How about sending him on a sailing experience, probably someone doing that.


The point is DISTRACT him, with things that are fun, interesting, and build self-esteem.

<small>[ November 24, 2003, 01:44 PM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

pep---looked up the web site and they do have groups in the area. gonna check them out too. thanks

sufdb---when i first saw you replied i almost dreaded it....i thought, oh geez, here it comes. i want to thank you also for the wonderfull suggestions. while right now he needs intense therapy and counseling, the ideas are wonderfull and in the future will be suggested. thank you

pray for me all-----my ride is getting bumpy again.

you are welcome, it is my opinion (from reading case studies, and commonsense psychology) that oppressive techniques will not have good outcomes, without also something to hook the juveniles....they mostly get into trouble because of peer pressure, and not enough other options....not every kid is going to be vested in academics, or a sports jock, but there are many many other things to hook them with, and different peers to be exposed too....you have some control over his time now, for a little while longer...use that parental power to expose him to other options, maybe something will click....good luck.