I thought I would start a new topic about my upcoming meeting with my WH.

For the 1st time since WH moved in w/OW, he was crying when he dropped kids off last week. WH feels he's short-changing our kids. I offered my ear if he wanted to talk. He requested to take me up on my offer and we are meeting this Wed. to discuss how our kids are being affected by our separation and, how we ALL are handling this situation.

I know some of you may already know this sitch, but I wanted to keep the conversation/posts alive at least until after Wed.'s meeting. I will let you know what happens.

Any and all additional comments/suggestions are WELCOME... Thanks to all who have replied to my other posts titled (Meeting OW soon...., and Pep, Ark, Faith1960..please come here...) regarding this sitch.

Thanks again.
FF

Because of what went down the last time you two were together, which also could give him ammunition in a custody battle, I'd recommend having a therapist or clergy present to mediate and keep the conversation focused on the subject. This isn't something the two of you can work through alone.

All right, ff, did you highlight your hair? You have gotten great suggestions from all the others on the other thread. Keep a positive attitude. YOU CAN DO THIS!!

I'm praying for you and your husband.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He requested to take me up on my offer and we are meeting this Wed. to discuss how our kids are being affected by our separation and, how we ALL are handling this situation.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How did he ask?

Do you think he's feeling he's shortchanging the kids because you're not a family any longer or because he's only spending one night a week with them?

Be positive but try not to get your hopes up too much ahead of time. Your disappointment will show if it's not what you think/want..

Regardless, whatever you think about what he's saying to you, make sure you validate his feelings. Even if you disagree...you can say something like, "Well I'm not sure if I agree with that, but I think I understand what you're saying and I see that it's important to you."

Try and play out all the different scenes in your mind ahead of time and what you would say and how you would react. Most importantly, listen to what he has to say, and ask probing open-ended questions. Don't show you cards until he asks!!

Good Luck!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Be positive but try not to get your hopes up too much ahead of time. Your disappointment will show if it's not what you think/want..

Regardless, whatever you think about what he's saying to you, make sure you validate his feelings. Even if you disagree...you can say something like, "Well I'm not sure if I agree with that, but I think I understand what you're saying and I see that it's important to you." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Two very excellent points!

KaylaAndy,

Thanks, If it weren't for the short notice and holiday, I may have thought about that idea.

SBAB,

Yes, I did highlight my hair. It turned out a bit lighter than I wanted, but it will fade. I have a haircut apt. tomorrow for a good trim to get the dried out ends off. I agree with the two excellent points made by Faith1960. It is however been so hard not to get hopes up. Thanks for your prayers along with everyone elses.


Faith1960,

While in front of WH the night he was crying, I offered if he wants to ever talk, I am here for him. Then 2 days later, I emailed him to give him my new email address. He replied back, thanks and then went into saying, "I really miss the kids a lot. I would like to take you up on your offer to talk for a bit." He then went into offering the time and date of doing so and things happened from there.

It's hard to tell thus far where the feelings of short-changing are based upon, but I think he feels it's from us not being a whole family anymore, and the shuttling of the kids back and forth between two homes.

This is one thread, I don't know if I should reveal too much just in case he is surfing this site. All it would take is for WH to read the thread's title and he would make the connection that this is me and about him and I. Thanks for the good supportive ideas of validation and understanding and listening.

FF

foreverfaithful, how did it go?

SBAB,

Thanks for asking. I left for Thanksgiving holiday after meeting, upset I might add so I am first replying now. For starters, from the surface, it does not appear good.

I made his favorite snack, beef jerky and gave him a big bag of it saying this is for the cabin. He asked, for the kids?, I said FOR EVERYONE. I found out from kids, he did not eat too much of it that I know of. I was looking hot also.

Anyway, I started the meeting out by reaching out to hold his hand. He did eventually reciprocate while I told him from the bottom depths of my heart, I am truly sorry for hitting him, I should never have hit you. He became glassy eyed (no tears though)and said thank you for apologizing, and he accepted it. I told him, that the reason I have not done so until now is that I wanted the words to be meant when I said them and could not do that until this time. He understood.

Now, down to the nitty gritty of the meeting. He portrayed that he is not having 2nd thoughts, but rather just misses the kids and is requesting more visitation and gave me a proposed joint legal/physical custody arrangement. He would like the kids on every weekend during the school year and also the one week night/week for 3 hrs. and I would have them during the week. Then during the summer, he wants them during the week and I would get them every weekend and the one week night/week 3 hrs.

I told him, I'm not going to comment on this yet, but it appears like a lose/lose situation for me/kids.

I told him, the kids would be in daycare the entire summer and that he would never be able to take them camping if he wishes. He said the kids would also be in daycare when w/me once I get a job and the camping issue he is aware of.

I said the daycare sitch depends on what type of job I get. He said well they would be in daycare either in day or eves. Again, I said not necessarily.

He told me in not so many words that it was me all along that he did not want to be with and not the kids and I'm the reason he was so unhappy the past 5 years.

I asked WH if he thinks we gave our marriage the "old college try". He said after/during counseling, NO, but in past 5 yrs, he gave it all he could. I said respectfully, I disagress, I don't think we gave it s_ _ _, do you know why? He asked why. I said because we didn't know how until now (which I meant the book SAA which we both read).

I told him how I see the kids being affected and also hinted at he could come back and try again since I am a lot different person in so many words.

He replied "I just don't think I can do it".

I told him I loved him now more than I ever have and that I appreciate him now more than ever before. Not sure if these were the right things to be said at this time, but did so.

I also think I might have revealed too many of my cards during this 1st meeting cuz I told him I no longer wanted the Divorce and my atty. knows it. WH was shocked, he said WHAT?? I think he was thinking "What? Now how can I marry OW?" but he did not respond with anything else except "What do you mean?" I said, I never wanted the D, I filed out of anger, haste and vengeance, and did not listen to my heart and logic. He didn't say anything else. I also let him know that I have a real moral issue with him living w/and carrying on w/a woman who is not his wife while still married and doing so openly in front of our kids. He looked down sheepishly and apologized and said I understand.

He said near the end, "I don't hate you".

That is about it. Nothing really accomplished I don't think. What do you think? He did shed a few tears during meeting though. Can't remember in response to what though.

I also discovered he is telling outright lies about me to people. How do I handle my anger with this issue. This discovery has actually hardened my heart a bit again. I cannot go into detail in case of his possible monitoring.

When I picked up the kids tonight, I was civil, and offered/asked if he wanted to see the kids more this week, he could babysit for me on Thurs. eve. for 3 1/2 hours with him doing the transporting. I talked to him later and he replied he won't be seeing the kids this Thurs. since it would be back to back nights and not spread out w/day('s) between. That Thurs. just so happens to be our 10th wedding anniversary. What do you suppose his real reason is?

If I remember more, I'll reply again. Thanks.

FF

oh, forever faithful, you need a big hug girlfriend!

This must hurt tremendously! I wouldn't give up yet, though. He may not REALLY know what he wants.

Plans ... maybe Plan B would be good. No contact at all, no conversations. Maybe TooMuchCoffeeMan will check in with your story. I think he may advise Plan B.

I wouldn't "cancel" the divorce thing yet with attorney. Wait it out.

Keep working on yourself. You've done a great job so far! Remember, you can only change you.

I don't know what else to say. When I was checking this morning, I thought you were going to say that it went well. I'm kind of numb right now ... can't imagine what you feel! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'll check back again later today. Keep your chin up, pray hard. I'll be praying for you.

SBAB,

Thanks. It helps to know people understand and are praying along with me. All in all, the meeting did go well in the respect that I handled myself very well, despite shedding a lot of tears in front of him instead of appearing strong and not dependant on him. It is the content of the meeting that did not go as I had hoped or expected. I was truly expecting a fog breakthrough on WH part.

I have thought about going to Plan B again, but the toughest part of that plan is how to facilitate the custody visitation exchanges w/o seeing him. We do not have any mutual friends close or that would be willing to go to these lengths or inconveniences to make it happen.

I don't believe I will even acknowledge our 10 year anniversary this Thursday to WH, and I'm not sure what I will do with Christmas yet. I was planning on putting together the same 3 kid's photo frames WH wanted in the property division which each frame consists of that kids' 1, 2, and 3 year portrait all in same frame. I was planning on writing to WH/dad from BS/son or daughter etc., but I am hesitant to put my generosity out there on that broken limb again.

Will keep you updated.

FF

Any suggestions anyone?

bump

bump

Forever,
Don't beat yourself up, you did GREAT! He will think about your meeting, may not be in the time span you would like, but he will reflect upon it and he will remember how you handled yourself. Your strength, confidence and true commitment to him will shine through all this fog.

As for you anniversary, celebrate it. Do something special for yourself. You don't have to tell anyone it's your anniversary, but do go out to dinner with a friend, family member or your children. Dress up and do something fun for yourself. You obviously believe in your M or you wouldn't be trying so hard to save it. So celebrate your commitment and love for him. Write him a love letter. You don't have to give it to him, yet. Just do it for yourself. Our 19th anniversary was valentines day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> My H had been living his new life w/ OW for more than 7 months. Our D would be final in a few weeks, the OW D would be final that week. We were talking and I could see glimmers of the fog lifting. Anv. day happened to fall on a Sun. and H had our 4C for the weekend. I had a party on Sat. night, he came by my house with an excuse to pick up something for one of the C. An old friend from out of town was there. (male, single, very handsome but nothing going on between us) Old friend tried to talk to H and H was very rude. I dismissed his attitude and asked him to leave when he boldly asked me if I was paying for the party with his money. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> The next morning H called me to tell me happy anniversary. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He came over that morning w/o the C and we talked. H was insanely jealous about the old friend. There was nothing going on but H saw that someone thought of me as a beautiful desireable woman. It did alot for my ego as well. H asked me to postpone the D. We will celebrate our 23rd Anv. in Feb.

Let the kids do something special for dad. May a frame they can make. Even if it is cheesie let them do it for him. You stay involved w/ the project it will help you through the holidays as well. Remember the gifts that mean the most are from the heart. I wrote a simple prayer and attached it to a punch card for a local golf course as a Christmas gift from me. The kids gave him golf balls, tee, a towel etc. My H still has the prayer, lost all the golf balls.

Sorry for the ramble.

Take care of yourself.

My prayers are with you and your family.

Juju, hadn't heard your story before. Thanks for sharing. It really helps new BS here to hear stories like your. I can't believe you were so close to a divorce and you're still happily together. Congrats!

JuJu,

Thank you so much for sharing your recovery story. I know you have posted to me before, but I agree with StungByABee that it still helps to hear the success stories over and over. It gives me HOPE again. I have been praying heavily today about everything, especially our anniversary and the hopeful effects it will have on my WH.

I will do the homemade frames or at least the matting that goes inside the frame. Great idea.
Also great idea about the prayer letters for anniversary and Christmas. I will be receiving some prayer books tomorrow from a friend so hopefully those will guide me in what to write and pray for.

Your comment about your H still having the prayer but losing the golf balls actually brought a smile to me which I thank you for. I needed to smile.

I'll let you know what happens re: anniversary.

Thanks,
FF

Forever, your situation sounds similiar to mind. My wife moved out July 30. Keep posting. I believe your husband will work his way back. Not too sure of my wife.

Stay strong and keep praying.

stung;
My story is a banquet of all the horrible things people do to each other. M 17 years, 4 kids ages 13D, 11S,7D and 3S, 2 fulltime high pressure jobs, big house, H vol. fire chief, no time spent together and a midlife crisis. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I did everything w/ and for the C and nothing for my M. Enter OW with a dash of ego stroking, within a couple of months the A. With advice from every well wishing family memeber and friend I filed for D the day H moved out. I believed the fog was real. I was madder than H*** and wanted to hurt H as much as he had hurt and humiliated me. Believe me I did everything WRONG! 7 months later I was wondering how in the world did I get to this point. I prayed and prayed and prayed.
The pain you are going through now is all to familiar to all of us here. I wish I could take away all your sorrows and put you into next year. Then again look at all you'll miss.

I didn't have MB while my H was in the A and made mistakes like, calling too often, begging, crying, pleading, guilt, sabatage, confrontation etc. etc. etc.(I was the psycho B****

Then I began practicing Christian based principles in my M(or lack of M) and life. I didn't really think recovery was possible. And when it did happened, I wasn't prepared. Enter my new job, new computer and access to the net and MB. I began lurking and then asking questions. SAA has been a big help. Before that Dr. James Dobson's book "Love Must Be Tough" was an enormous help. I learned to respect myself and how to see through the fog.

14 months after H moved out he asked to come home. I still have issues, but they are mine not H. Because of the past we are a stronger couple and we are creating a Great M daily.

Even now I find support, comfort and knowledge about M and family from MB.

My prayer for you today is to find the courage to live today and become strong, confident individuals. Then put on a great outfit and show off to your WH. 'Turn his head' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

God Bless

Solon,

THanks for posting. What is your story if you don't mind. Maybe it will help both of us if I knew more, but you certainly don't have to.

It is SO incredibly painful what we BS are going through. It helps me tremendously to browse the MB site and get advice, hope and strategy help.

Thanks again.


JuJu,

Thanks again for more info on your story. I too have made the mistakes of calling too often in beginning, sending too many heartfelt cards, crying (which I still did last week during our meeting), and confrontation. All this I did and I DID have MB at my disposal. I just was too weak to follow the guidelines and strategies. I am getting better at this. And hopefully with my anniversary coming this Thursday, and that I am planning on not acknowledging it to WH, I will actually follow through on one of the few things/strategies that I have read and received advice on. I do have to apologize to all the people who have told me what strategies and no contact rules to live by that I didn't listen to. I am re-considering going back to Plan B with full implementation, (I mean totally Plan B) after I see how this week ends. Thanks again JuJu.

I have been and will continue to pray for my WH, even OW for their repentance and hopeful return to us BS's as well as all of you other MB members. Have a good night.

FF

Hi everyone,

The countdown continues to 1 day before our 10 year wedding anniversary (12/4) and it shall be very interesting to see how the kid exchange goes tonight. By this I mean if WH says ANYTHING nice to me, asks me if I'm still gonna have the sitter watch kids tomorrow night or him watch them, and also to see if he mentions our anniversary AT ALL, cuz I will NOT be mentioning it at all. I don't know why I keep thinking and expecting WH to suddenly come around and do or say something nice or generous to me w/o me first taking the approach.

Does anyone have any suggestions whatsoever as to how I might handle myself or how to respond IF IF my WH wishes me happy anniv. or brings it up in any way, shape or form?

I thought about politely or respectfully saying to him if he does, "What anniversary?, you've made it clear that there is no commitment to our marriage on your part, so why even mention it to me. Part of me says this is NOT the thing to say since after typing it, it sounds a bit LB sarcastic to me, and not respectful.

Any suggestions??

FF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The countdown continues to 1 day before our 10 year wedding anniversary (12/4) and it shall be very interesting to see how the kid exchange goes tonight. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Try not to get your hopes up. Chances are:

1) He doesn't remember or make the connection.
2) He remembers but doesn't want to mention it because he doesn't want you to get the wrong message.
3) He remembers and doesn't care.
4) He remembers and uses it as a segue to discuss your relationship.

and maybe a couple more.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> cuz I will NOT be mentioning it at all. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good plan. Don't mention it, don't hint at it. If he's in the FOG and slowly coming out, it could push him back in. Not worth the chance IMHO.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know why I keep thinking and expecting WH to suddenly come around and do or say something nice or generous to me w/o me first taking the approach.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you always had to take the first approach in the past. Would he normally remember your anniversary/birthday or other celebration without your reminding him? If not, why would this day be any different?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Does anyone have any suggestions whatsoever as to how I might handle myself or how to respond IF IF my WH wishes me happy anniv. or brings it up in any way, shape or form?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sincere replies to: if he remembers and wishes you an Happy Anniversary:

"Thank you! I was afraid you had forgotten"

"Thank you! That means alot to me that you remembered.

"Than you!"

Avoid showing too many of your cards. Be sincere, but cryptic. Think of your response as throwing the ball back into his court. See if he throws it back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I thought about politely or respectfully saying to him if he does, "What anniversary?, you've made it clear that there is no commitment to our marriage on your part, so why even mention it to me. Part of me says this is NOT the thing to say since after typing it, it sounds a bit LB sarcastic to me, and not respectful.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LB ALERT!! Do not go here. Refer to the previous responses. When in doubt always use the "Kill him with kindness" approach!

Peace.