Keep Movin Forward,
I just want to tell you that I have read all your posts, and I am one of those BS's who have tried everything, except really letting go and standing up for myself. He has expressed really wanting to come back several times, and then leaves again.
It's not me. He expresses that he loves me and misses me and the life we had, then he comes back
and can't deal, dosen't seem to even try. That's it, time for something new from me, letting go. I
have to either way for my sanity, so if he wakes up in the midst, then so be it, if not, oh well,
his loss, I truly am a great catch for another man. It's going to be hard, but I have to let go!
I want to thank you for the encouragement I have found in all your posts. Feel free to respond with any pointers, etc. to keep me on track.

laurie,

I just want to tell you that I have read all your posts, and I am one of those BS's who have tried everything, except really letting go and standing up for myself.


Thank you for your kind words. The reason that I keep telling people to let go is because that is what works the best not only for you, but it is almost always the catalyst for them to want to come back. Either way YOU win. Even if people do not FEEL like letting go, they need to let the WS perceive that they have.

So many people I see on here get so caught up in Plan A or Plan B that they can't see what is really going on. IMHO Plan A is really nothing more than being nice, considerate, and a person who is easy to get along with and flexible. We should ALWAYS strive to be that type of person whether they come back or not.

However most people trying to win a lover back make a few HUGE mistakes in their efforts and fail to see how big a role that CONFIDENCE, SELF RESPECT, and STRENGTH have on the outcome.They are the biggest factors that the WS needs to see from you.

Confidence and self respect say to the WS that even though this situation has been a shock to you,that you WILL be just perfectly fine without them and you wish them well. It tells them that if they choose to leave you that it is entirely up to them because you know that true love has to be FREELY given, and you will accept nothing less.

Self respect shows them that it is OK for you to tell them that the WS can not have you and the lover. You will not share. You will not mope. You would rather be alone. A person with confidence and self respect really, really knows that they will be perfectly happy and fine no matter the outcome.

You will have a much better chance of your WS coming back when and if you can apply the following CONSISTENTLY......

Being and acting happy with your life just the way things are.

Confidence

self respect

When he contacts you again, it would be very wise to do some small talk for a minute or two. BUT you should always be the one who ends the contact FIRST. Just tell him that you will talk to him later, but you HAVE to get going.(you need to seem extremely busy with your life.)

NEVER bring up a relationship talk again. Never.
Let him wonder.(when you get them to wonder what is up with you it fuels their interest and their thoughts start to change more to "have I made a mistake?)

If he brings up a relationship talk it is necessary for you to learn how to handle these talks. If you handle them correctly, you can draw the WS back to you. If he brings up something concerning the relationship, then tell him that you have done some "thinking" and finally realized that he is RIGHT. Tell him it really isn't working and that maybe it is best for both of you to move on.(interesting when you do this, how they will suddenly start to reverse their position and not be so sure what they are doing is right)... Then tell him that there is nothing more to talk about, but thanks for calling, but you have to get going.(he will start to wonder if you have someone else, which also fuels the dying embers of love.)

When he starts to ask you things that are looking like he is prying to see if you are still in the wings, it is IMPERATIVE that you continue with your game plan of letting go. Tell him you are NOT SURE how you feel anymore or what you want and that you are just taking it one day at a time. Again, tell him that you really do not want to talk about it anymore, thanks for calling, but you have to get going...

Keep doing this, and if he truly loves you, he WILL chase you and not let you go. Do not let him back easily, because if you do, then he has not done the PERSONAL work he needs to do to have the necessary changes to make the relationship work...

IMHO, you do not need a PLAN B or a Plan B letter. When people write a Plan B letter and tell the WS how much pain they are in and that they STILL love them and want no contact to preserve their love, it wreaks of NO CONFIDENCE.

A confident person knows that they can have contact and be just perfectly fine. They do not box themselves into a corner. A confident person lets the WS come to them on their own and does not have to force a situation because they are in pain. The pain goes away when you ACCEPT the fact that it really may be over, but maybe this is for the best, and start to dream of other goals and are excited about what life has in store for you in the future.

Apply these things and you will see that not only will you get better and be much happier, but you will see him gradually coming around and pursuing you.

Keepmvn4wrd I agree with everything you said except the following:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keepmvn4wrd:

"IMHO, you do not need a PLAN B or a Plan B letter. When people write a Plan B letter and tell the WS how much pain they are in and that they STILL love them and want no contact to preserve their love, it wreaks of NO CONFIDENCE."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While Plan B and it's letter may initially appear to the WS like the BS is weak and has no confidence, the results speak differently. Once the no contact rule has been engaged, the cake eating WS tries to break it because he or she does not want to lose control over the BS. After some time the WS starts to panic, and his/her relationship with the OP starts to become negatively affected since all the responsibility of meeting all of the WS's needs now falls squarely on the OP's shoulders.

Plan B also gives the BS a sense of taking back control of his/her life and after a while, makes him/her emotionally strong and aware that he or she will be fine no matter what happens to the marriage. Why do I say this? Because the combo of no contact and physical separation from the WS, starts to take away the fear the BS might have that he or she is not going to make it.

Continued contact with a WS whose affair is on going will eventually close the BS's love bank for the WS, and the desire to save the marriage will be gone, even if the WS is willing to do anything and everything to rebuild the marriage. I know because that is exactly what happened to me after I divorced my XWW and moved on with my life. Even if my DW were to pass away today, I will never reconcile with my X and that is a fact.

<small>[ November 25, 2003, 09:01 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Keepmvn4wrd,
Thank you very much. I am going to do it this time, for me if nothing else. I will keep you updated. I did do a planned Plan A, but I was
and actually am exactly what you described, so that was easy and just natural. Nothing forced,
just some small changes that I made myself aware
of, that are good for me as well as the relationship. He has commented on my new sense of
independence and atonomy. I think that's good.

TMCM,
Thanks for your imput, I follow your posts also, and you add value to this board also.

Laurie

KeepMvn4wrd,
Why does tell me he loves me, but not enough, or
that it's not in his heart anymore. Then he leaves, and he comes to me again with the I love you's and wants to come back? But he can't get
close to me, won't hold my hand, kiss me, anything. Then he leaves again, with the I don't feel it in my heart, yada, yada.
laurie

TMCM

quote:
While Plan B and it's letter may initially appear to the WS like the BS is weak and has no confidence, the results speak differently. Once the no contact rule has been engaged, the cake eating WS tries to break it because he or she does not want to lose control over the BS. After some time the WS starts to panic, and his/her relationship with the OP starts to become negatively affected since all the responsibility of meeting all of the WS's needs now falls squarely on the OP's shoulders.

Sorry TMCM, but that isn't really why it works. It all sounds good, but I did not say she couldn't write a letter to him. I think if a person wants to write a final letter to the WS, then that is fine, and can be a good thing if WRITTEN correctly (with confidence) however the reason the WS starts to panic and think they are losing control, is because they SENSE the BS is LETTING GO.(why else would they panic?) Which is exactly what I keep saying is the catalyst for the WS to come back.

Dr. James Dobson says our emotions are affected by two things...(and I totally agree with him on this.)
1)the challenge of pursuit
2)the possibility of irrevocable loss

So that is why I say that the WS will also panic and want to come back even if contact is in effect or a Plan B letter is not written. As long as the BS shows the WS that they are confident, have self respect, and convince them that they have let go, that really is all that is needed. How do I know this? From over 20 years of study and experience in analyzing FACTS.

Why would a BS even want to preserve love if that is the reason for plan B? Why not just continue plan A until all love is gone then, so they have no more pain? Why even try to hold on to pain? There is not one ounce of sense in that.

There are over 31,000 registered users on this site.. over 31,000..... the number of those people that are trying to reconcile is probably quite a large percentage of those 31,000..
How many of the people hurting and wanting to reconcile on here out of those 31,000 or whatever the thousands, have had success and are reconciled and recovered quickly and now happy?
I have been on here for a couple of years and I sure don't see many success stories for the number of people searching for the key to saving these things.... What I recommend WORKS. It works all the time on here and people are not even aware of it. Go back and study the many WS who come on here that are desperate. Study what actions the BS did and showed that caused these WS to come on this site. Show me all the plan A and Plan B letters that those BS wrote. You probably won't find any. Why can they have the WS back if they did not do Plan A and Plan B, and are not meeting needs, now that the WS wants back?

Why?..
(answer)Because the BS showed they let go!!!
It isn't always about meeting needs, because if it was, then the WS should come back in Plan A. Funny that when in Plan B and you STOP meeting their needs, they come back. But, nobody wants to question that phenomenon. Maybe the REAL NEEDS that they should be given, is the NEED to be and feel rejected, because it sure seems to be a great motivator for the thousands of people on here to be OBCESSED with making a relatonship work.

Dr. Harley has some great ideas. However, I am more interested in results and doing what works the BEST. I am interested in teaching people that the only true answer to their problems is in learning to be a happy person, a confident person.
Once they reach that place in their lives, they will never want to use this plan A or Plan B method again,because it is too draining and depressing to most who go through it for any length of time... Why would anybody want to stay depressed and sad, when there is another option that can heal them and bring them to happiness and peace?

Keepmvn4wrd-
You may have to pull out the 2X4, but won't this
cause him to think if I am so happy, and confident, that possibly I am better off without
him, and he should just let me go?

You may have to pull out the 2X4, but won't this[/B [B]cause him to think if I am so happy, and confident, that possibly I am better off without him, and he should just let me go?

Here comes the 2x4 laurie.....

When you truly work to become happy and confident then isn't it possible that YOU WOULD be better off without him?

Why do you have such low self esteem that you would want someone back who keeps hurting you with the things they do and say?

Your problem isn't him, it is your self esteem. Work on becoming a happy person that feels good about who they are. There is nothing wrong with you right now, you only think there is because of his view of things...

For you to ask such a question as to what he would think if you became happy and confident shows how low your self esteem is at the moment.
You are addicted to pain. Get yourself out of pain. This is causing you pain. Would you keep putting your hand on a hot burner if you kept getting burnt? You are in pain and somehow want to keep your beliefs and yet get out of the pain..
Your answer is to "let go" of the cause of the pain.....

If you do become happy and confident.. YOU WILL NOT CARE what he thinks so much anymore. What you will care about is whether you really really want to be with a person who will not give from a free heart because he wants to.. and will care about being with a person who does not do things to cause hurt and pain. Funny thing about all of this talk I am giving you, is that when you really do start to work on happiness and confidence, people are attracted to you like a magnet. That is your best chance for him to come back is when he sees that you may be happier WITHOUT him....

He does not respect you because you allow him to come and go as he pleases. Men do not respect a woman who they can walk over.
I am sorry that it is that way, but until you work on becoming happy and confident and stop trying to find excuses why you shouldn't be happy and confident, then even if you do get him back, you will be an unhappy unconfident woman, who will worry when it will happen again.. That is no way to live or have the best chance to get your relationship to work.

A healthy relationship REQUIRES 2 healthy people, not 0 or 1....