We have been married 4 yrs. I have had an EA w/a previous co-worker. After giving it a lot of thought and reading some stuff on here, I told him about it. It upset him enough to give him an upset stomache. I reassured him of my commitment to him and love for him. After that night, he seemed to put it out of his mind. He says it has not affected his trust for me. He has not inquired whether the OM has contacted me. I asked why not and he said he hadn't really had thought about it. He said he got distracted by work and by his parents visiting for a few days. I told him if it were the other way around, I doubt much could distract me from thinking about it. I just don't know how to squeeze some emotion out of this man. He said he would take it more seriously if I were talking about leaving him. I said, are you willing to wait until it gets to that point? I think he doesn't take it seriously because I didn't sleep with the OM.

Sometimes I just really don't understand him and he seems unable to explain himself.

It's called denial. He wants so badly not to have to change his life around in any way, so it's just easier to tell himself that things are fine now. That's not good. But YOU can change things before they get too far gone. You DON'T have to enter in to a physical affair for him to get it. He needs to understand that if the TWO of you don't get to the bottom of what needs aren't being met, there WILL be a conversation about you leaving him in the future. He'd better wake up NOW because sooo many men wake up when it's too late. I dont' know if anyone has the article about Walk Away Wives...but if you can get a hold of it...print it off for your H to read.

Also, don't take it too personally. I know it's hard....I know it's sooooo hard, but he's really not doing it intentionally. Men seem to have this mentality that there's always tomorrow. Even after there isn't a tomorrow. I'm unaware of how to change that, but it seems that some of them do grow out of it.

chambma

"Men are taught from birth to stuff their feelings. If you ask a guy what he feels…he will likely say, “I don’t know.” Most guys are not in touch with their feeling because they have been raised in an environment that does not allowed them to express their emotions. In fact, if they express emotions they are considered weak. They are taught to be emotionless. It is no wonder that men behave in ways that are destructive to relationships." I wrote this response to another person that was asking a similar question.

Your H has strong feeling about the EA. He just doesn’t know how to express his feeling so he stuffs them. They will come out in ways that are unexpected, e.g., anxiety, insomnia, lack of interest in sex, excessive interest in sex, unexplained anger, complacency, sadness, grief, fear, etc. What you did hurt him more than he dares to admit because if he allows himself to feel the pain that you have caused he might over react and he is afraid of his feelings.

Perhaps, counseling for the two of you is a place to begin healing your marriage.


Beau

chamba, I get the sense here that you had an emotional affair because your H is not meeting your needs. It sounds like he doesnt show you that he cares, which leaves you very vulnerable to anyone that DOES. When one doesn't feel valued at home, they become hungry for attention.

I don't hear that you feel valued by him and his lack of reaction only reinforces that.

He needs to understand that he is in the process of throwing his marriage away right away. He is at a fork in the road and he is putting his head in the sand. You are screaming for help and he his fingers in his ears singing lalalalalalalalaa. Until he realizes this and starts meeting your needs, it is probably the beginning of the end of your marriage.

I would suggest you call the Harleys for counseling. They are WELL WORTH the money and can do in 2 session what most counselers can NEVER acheive. Yes, they are expensive, but a divorce is much more expensive. I truly hope you pursue this, because I can hear your desperation but he doesnt.

<small>[ November 24, 2003, 09:21 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Chamba,
Your H sounds a lot like my exH. I too 'warned' him of the EA I was having/starting to have w/ an online man, and he didn't show any caring. In the end, the A deepened, it became 'real life' PA, separation ensued, and now we're divorced. OM- long gone.

This sounded so much like my ex I couldn't believe it:

you said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I asked why not and he said he hadn't really had thought about it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The 'not thinking' of things was ongoing in our marriage. It continues to this day, and he's happy alone now. No demands to 'think' of another person in an intimate, personal way.

MY exH said this to me about a year ago, too. I'd asked him if he'd thought about a possibility of a reconciliation in Sept. 2002. I said I'd call him in a week, to see what he thought. When I asked him a week later what he'd come up with, he said, "About what?"

Listen to Melodylane. She's so right. You don't feel valued, so you're being pulled to another man.

Get counseling, save this before it's too late.

H_P
(Married 17 years before EA began)

You are all correct. I don't feel truly valued and loved by him. I mean, I believe he loves me, but I question how deeply. He has difficulty feeling anything deeply and / or expressing it. When he begins to feel anything unpleasant, he diverts his mind to something else. Strangely, he once cried and sobbed like a baby watching a movie with me. I have rarely seen any evidence of strong emotion in him since. He doesn't get misty-eyed, his voice doesn't tremble. He's better at eye contact than he used to be, but it's still not his strong point.

How do I help him? Do you think he can learn to let himself feel and show emotion? I feel that's the biggest thing missing in our marriage. I want something deeper. He realizes this problem, but he doesn't know how to change it either. I need help. I need to know if it's possible for him to change, so that I can make some decisions. He says he wants to, but it seems like he doesn't give it any thought or effort unless I'm constantly nagging him about it.

Why do you want to change him?

Why not better understand how he does show his love towards you rather than trying to mold his love into something you like?

I mean, yes, it would be nice if he loved you according your script, but it probably isn't natural to him. He may be able to learn it, or aspects of it, but I think you ALSO need to accept his method of showing his love for you.

Do you know HOW he loves you? Have you asked him what he does to demonstrate that love for you? Since many guys are not expressive of feelings he might do things for you that indicates he loves you.

For instance, I just went up and took my wife's van from the parking lot of where she works and filled up the gas tank. Probably not really romantic, but since she moved out and it's now getting cold, I didn't want her to have to stand out in the cold and fill her tank. So I was being considerate. But hardly a ROMANTIC gesture.

Yet most times, we guys don't get credit for doing these things. Instead my wife, just like you, embarked on an emotional affair, rather than appreciating what you DO have.

I want to meet her emotional needs, but I don't want to feel like a failure because she didn't appreciate how I was trying to express my love.

Why not find out how he expresses his love for you, and be thankful for it, rather than looking for something "missing" especially if you look outside your marriage.

-jC

Why do you want to change him?

Why not better understand how he does show his love towards you rather than trying to mold his love into something you like?

I mean, yes, it would be nice if he loved you according your script, but it probably isn't natural to him. He may be able to learn it, or aspects of it, but I think you ALSO need to accept his method of showing his love for you.

Do you know HOW he loves you? Have you asked him what he does to demonstrate that love for you? Since many guys are not expressive of feelings he might do things for you that indicates he loves you.

For instance, I just went up and took my wife's van from the parking lot of where she works and filled up the gas tank. Probably not really romantic, but since she moved out and it's now getting cold, I didn't want her to have to stand out in the cold and fill her tank. So I was being considerate. But hardly a ROMANTIC gesture.

Yet most times, we guys don't get credit for doing these things. Instead my wife, just like you, embarked on an emotional affair, rather than appreciating what you DO have.

I want to meet her emotional needs, but I don't want to feel like a failure because she didn't appreciate how I was trying to express my love.

Why not find out how he expresses his love for you, and be thankful for it, rather than looking for something "missing" especially if you look outside your marriage.

EDIT: This site is about changing you, not changing him, so let me ask you this, what are his top 5 emotional needs and do you think you are doing all you can do to meet them.

Until you are doing that, I'm not sure you can even critique him about how he is or isn't meeting your needs.

I'm a bit grumpy today, and I shouldn't be, but I guess your note just rubbed me the wrong way right now, as I think an affair is an incredibly selfish way to get what you want.

Realize that I feel this way because I'm in your husbands shoes only moreso as my wife MOVED OUT, so I'm a bit bitter about the situation.
-jC

Chamba,

First, if the affair is not over, end it. now. If you have read this site you know how important no contact is. If you have not read SAA do so now and ask your H to do so as well.

I am the BS is a situation very similar to yours. During her EA my wife has given me a number of warning shots that something was wrong but I never reacted to her. Because she used angry outbursts I disrespectfully disregarded it as "emotional instability." Even once I knew there was a serious problem, she began to phrase it in terms of "its not you its me" which only left me feeling powerless to change anything. Finally because I could not understand her emotions I was in denial, her unhappiness with the marriage had all to do with her career ambitions and none to do with me. It was not until I found out about the EA and knew the details of their conversations that I woke up.

It sounds that your H does not know how to identify or deal with his emotions. Looking at how I was dealing, if my W had told me that the EA had happened I would have probably reacted the same way as you H. If she had confessed I would have wanted so badly to believe everything was ok that I would have forgiven her on the spot, I would have believed the EA was over and that she would change. I would have continued to trust her because I would have so badly needed to be able to trust her. It is easier to do that than deal with the terrible pain that comes with an affair physical or emotional. It is easier to do that than face up to the possibility of losing ones spouse.

Somehow your H needs to know and understand that even with the EA over the threat to your M is not magically erased. That very soon, there will a "I'm leaving" conversation, not because of some fantasy world with an OM but because of how you feel in your M. Do this without LBs in terms of how his action (or inaction) make you feel.

I really recommend the book "His Needs Her Needs" it really helped me understand a lot, not only about the possible reasons that drove my W to OM but also helped me understand and put words to my own unhappiness in the M.

If you read this book and the related info on this site you will see that people can change. Infact you will both change. My own situation is far from ideal. I can't call the EA over, just dormant, but I can begin to see the changes in the both of us, even though my W has never picked up either of these books.

I hope this helps.