Hi friends.
I keep hearing advice to tell my husband of a 10 year love affair that is now over.

It was mostly a daily telephone-conversation love-affair with about 4 times a year getting together for passionate exciting love making!

So this is my question:
Are you glad he/she told you or would you have rather they ended it, became the best spouse they could be to you, and to never have confessed all of it to you?

I just feel it would cause so much NEEDLESS hurt.
When we have an affair it is not our spouse's fault, it is some need inside of us that our mate cannot fulfill...It might just be the need for romance and excitement from someone else.
I don't know...I know I LOVED the feeling of being needed, loved the love and affection and friendship HE (OM) gave me...

I NEEDED the OM and my husband but I am now going to concentrate on JUST NEEDING MY HUSBAND.

Love, Sarie

Well the obvious is most spouses would prefer to have no affair to deal with at all.

But almost all the experts say its easier when a wayward spouse confesses rather than it be found out some other way.

For me I would have preferred for her to one end and two tell me.

I caught her leaving a voicemail to the OM that while not oozing with love and lust did include "miss you, love you" in a monotone message.

It ended instantly and she was trying to end it before I found out but still IF repeat IF there is a best way to find out about an affair then confessing is the best.

Couple of things about confessing....you will regret it at first because of the pain and anger you will face.

But I can honestly tell you it will in the long run strengthen your relationship.

There is a risk of course he will not accept it.

But affairs are often wakeup calls for troubled marriages. Surprisingly when both spouses recommitt the marriage is stronger the majority of the time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
[QB]

So this is my question:
Are you glad he/she told you or would you have rather they ended it, became the best spouse they could be to you, and to never have confessed all of it to you?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely I am glad my spouse confessed to me. It is my right to know what is going on in MY life and I can't possibly make decisions about MY life if someone is wrongfully deceiving me.

It also gives me the opportunity to CHOOSE if I want to stay with an adulterous spouse. That is MY RIGHT to choose, not yours. And if I do decide to stay with said spouse, it helps me protect myself from him in the future and be more vigilent in watching my spouses behavior.

I can't very well protect myself from my spouse if I don't know how dangerous they are!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just feel it would cause so much NEEDLESS hurt.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Being deceived is needless hurt. Adultery is needless hurt. Being warned that someone you love is destroying you behind your back is certainly not "needless" hurt. It is necessary information that the spouse needs to protect himself from you. You have already hurt him; he just doesn't know yet because you continue to lie to him.

Further, you are the LAST PERSON who is qualified to determine what is in his best interest. He is *YOUR* victim. The rapist does not get to decide the best form of treatment for his victim.

He has a RIGHT to know what is happening in his own life and to withhold this information is cruel and manilpulative. Anyone who would withhold this information from a betrayed spouse is dangerous.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I NEEDED the OM and my husband but I am now going to concentrate on JUST NEEDING MY HUSBAND.

Love, Sarie </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please focus FOR ONCE on what your HUSBAND needs. He needs to know the truth. Remember him?

Sorry to be harsh, but I have no patience for beating around the bush.

<small>[ November 24, 2003, 06:55 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

P.S. I should add that my spouse did not willingly "confess" to me. I forced him to tell me when I found it out. A betrayed spouse almost ALWAYS finds out eventually anyway. Like stunned dad said, its always much better to find out from the WS than on your own.

Melody I had to force a confession out my wife long after that taped voicemail. She swore they were just close friends that talked all the time.
Even had her boss chime in that she talked to the guy all the time and saying love you and giving hugs was his normal way of acting...yeah my [censored].

It took cell phone records, leg work, expense ledgers and other things to pin her down. And even then it took comparing notes with OM's wife to get enough for her to finally come clean.

It was mostly a daily telephone-conversation love-affair with about 4 times a year getting together for passionate exciting love making!

So, basically, you have defrauded your husband for a decade. Is that correct?

So this is my question:
Are you glad he/she told you or would you have rather they ended it, became the best spouse they could be to you, and to never have confessed all of it to you?

YOU cannot become the "best spouse" while you hold such an important secret in your busom. That's impossible. You'll still be a phoney wife. One who is never 100% your husbands. Still with holding your true identity.

I just feel it would cause so much NEEDLESS hurt.

Needless hurt? According to whose standards? The hurt is in your lies, not in your truth.


When we have an affair it is not our spouse's fault, it is some need inside of us that our mate cannot fulfill...

And who says you should have every need met?


It might just be the need for romance and excitement from someone else.
I don't know...I know I LOVED the feeling of being needed, loved the love and affection and friendship HE (OM) gave me...

Adultery feels good. That's why you did it. I understand.

I NEEDED the OM and my husband but I am now going to concentrate on JUST NEEDING MY HUSBAND.

And so what.... how are you different? You are still not really in a marriage, and you never will be, until you stand before your husband emotionally naked, and say: This is who I really am. Not the mask I've shown you all these years. I have lived a secret life without you. And now i am opening up my secrets to show you who I really am.


Sounds like you are a really good liar, and it doesn't bother your conscience at all.... how can that be true?

Pep

"It was mostly a daily telephone-conversation love-affair with about 4 times a year getting together for passionate exciting love making!"

Oh gosh, well that's great then. If that's ALL it was. Why don't you just print off that sentence and see how your husband reacts to that. I'd be willing to bet that he'd vomit first, and ask questions later.

"Are you glad he/she told you or would you have rather they ended it, became the best spouse they could be to you, and to never have confessed all of it to you?"

I would say that most peoples definition of 'the best spouse they can be' would incorporate honesty in there. You've had a secret life for 10 years, and more than likely will revert back to it, much like the new years resolutions dieters do. You show no shame for what you've done and you practically blush with excitement when you talk about your sexual rendevous. Do you realize where you are at?? On a board that's FULL of spouses who are being betrayed or have been betrayed. I don't think any single one of them wants to hear about the EXCITING PASSIONATE love making sessions you're so giddy about.

"I just feel it would cause so much NEEDLESS hurt."

To late for that.

"When we have an affair it is not our spouse's fault, it is some need inside of us that our mate cannot fulfill"

Your mate really got the chance, yes? I mean, you told him you were going to go out and screw around with someone else 4 times a year or so, so that he had the chance to wake up and change in order to please you, right? But instead he said....nah, too much work and I'm probly not the stud this other guy is so YOU GO GIRL!! Not likely.

"I NEEDED the OM and my husband but I am now going to concentrate on JUST NEEDING MY HUSBAND."

It's my opinion that you shouldn't NEED anyone. If you want to love your husband the way he has deserved to be loved for all of these years...quit NEEDING him and start LOVING him. Give him what HE needs, not just take what you need.

Sarie for the record, the previous poster (hope4future) was a WW(wayward wife) just like you, and she KNOWS where you are coming from because she's been where you are right now.

Sadly that is true.

Let me tell you about my reality today, ok? Just so you understand that it's not as easy as just closing the door and keeping your dirty little secret to yourself.

Two years ago today I realized I had made the absolute biggest mistake of my life. I realized I was about to divorce my husband because I had let my pride and selfishness lead me down a distructive path that I labled 'fate' and 'romantic' and saw as a story we'd all sit around the fire one day and chuckle over. It makes ME want to vomit when I read you describing your affair that way. Because once the fog lifted...the truth made me want to curl up and die. I've been frustrated and moody lately...today it hit me why. I am still triggered by the realization of what I almost lost 2 years ago. I burst in to tears at work today. I'm still completely ashamed for the crap I put us through.

So you'll have to excuse me if I sound harsh and don't sympathise with you. 10 years is a long time to claim you LOVE your husband, and yet continue to do to him the absolute worse thing in the world anyone could do to someone. I got a little taste of my own medicine when I found out my husband had a girlfriend waiting in the wings for his divorce to be final. It still couldn't have possibly compared to his finding out I was in love with his best friend. Nope...nothing he could have done could have compared to that blow.

Understand this...you may decide we're all full of hooey and can't possibly know what's best for you, your husband and your marriage. But take it from a former wayward spouse. YOU...YOU know the secret. And it will weigh on you like a ton of bricks. And the longer you carry it the worse you'll feel. And the more you'll have to justify and convince yourself that it's best he doesn't know etc... The more you are willing to believe those lies...the less you'll like yourself, because if you believe that it's ok to have cheated for 10 years then you can't possibly be as moral and good as you'd always thought you were.

Think about this from another angle. What if it were your kids? What if YOU knew your daughters husband was carrying on with someone else. How would you feel about her husband? What do you think you're daughter would deserve to know? Put yourself in somebody elses shoes and quit patting yourself on the back for 'getting away with it'.

"Our point of view depends upon our circumstances."

I believe it is WRONG when people cheat on their spouses...When I hear it about someone, my first thought is that is a shame, that it is wrong.

BUT since it was ME, it is like the RULES are different...(Anyone that has had a love affair feels that way.) I feel I am unique and it is not a "typical" love affair...BUT of course, that is a lie that I lie to myself to justify my being involved with this kind and caring OM.
(He is 59, he recently found an old classmate from grade school days, fell in love, and they will be spending the rest of their lives together.)

So it is time for me to exit.
It wasn't until coming here to this site that I realize we should also stop the friendship/once in awhile phone calls/occassional e-mails etc.
Some of you don't realize how hard that will be, he has been my friend for 10 years...We have shared wonderful conversations...He is a real person, not just the OM.

The drug addiction analogy was good; we can't just 'take a little' as that puts us right back at day one.

I still will NOT tell my good faithful husband.
I am 52 years old, he is 54...I like to hear him whistle, he sleeps like a log.
I refuse to put my SIN into his mind.

I repented last night to my Savior and I will NOT ever meet with my OM friend again; there is a possibility he might ask and I am armored now, thanks to you guys, to realize the consequences.

I feel very fortunate that my affair has remained secret.Yeah, I am thought of in the community as a faithful wife & daughter; a good kind caring woman.

And all of you out there that think your mates have NOT had an affair or you know everything about it, YOU DON'T...Some things are better left unsaid...There are lots of SECRETS out there!

I will carry the burden of what I did.
I truly am not sorry though...(I am sure you are going to lecture me about that sentence but I am being honest by telling you that. )
I would have been sorry if anyone had been hurt.
(Like the thief that gets caught is then sorry.) And since it is a SECRET that I intend to take to the grave with me; please stop telling me to destroy my husband's life by revealing my PAST love affair!

Sincerely, Sarie

AS a BH, all I can say is I am so, so, soooo sorry for your H.

Terribly sorry.

Sarie you can't do what you think you can.

Its too much it will eat at the very fiber of your marriage like termites on wood. And like termites you might be able to put on a good face but underneath things are crumbling.

It is your call but deep down you know you need to tell or you wouldn't be here.

Dear stunned Dad and all.
I will get rid of the termites of my marriage WITHOUT telling my husband.

I just can't! I think it would be almost as wrong to destroy his thinking of me as a faithful wife as it was to cheat on him.
I will NOT put that burden in his brain!

I came to this board as suggested by Sally.
When I saw the topic "infidelity", I knew I fit in.
But I am seeing it is more for the ones that have been cheated on than for the cheaters.
Makes sense, as the spouse is the one that is hurting the most.

However, perhaps you can learn things from me; the person involved with your mate. (My OM was NOT married but I am.)

In our lives, once a awhile, someone comes along that overtakes our minds...We may or may not have an affair with them, but regardless they occupy so much "mind space".
The marriage mate cannot remove that no matter how much they would want to...
It is almost as certain to remain as the sun rising each day.

The only thing that will make it go to the back burner of the mind is TIME and not seeing or talking to that other person. (But even then, the memories of prvious conversations remain.)
Lovingly, Sarie


<B>B

sarie;

I hope you dont leave. This board's title is "Infidelity-General Questions". TO me that implies ANYTHIGN to do with general questions one has regarding infidelity. It is not specific to Bh's or BW's.

I hope we can both stay here. Perhaps get better and get though this together.

Sally.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
I still will NOT tell my good faithful husband.
I am 52 years old, he is 54...I like to hear him whistle, he sleeps like a log.
I refuse to put my SIN into his mind.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">cowardly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I repented last night to my Savior and I will NOT ever meet with my OM friend again; there is a possibility he might ask and I am armored now, thanks to you guys, to realize the consequences.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well, as long as you're right with God who cares about your husband?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel very fortunate that my affair has remained secret.Yeah, I am thought of in the community as a faithful wife & daughter; a good kind caring woman.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">no. let me re-phrase. as long as you're right with God and the community who cares about your husband?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will carry the burden of what I did.
I truly am not sorry though...(I am sure you are going to lecture me about that sentence but I am being honest by telling you that. )</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">living the rest of your life with any burden is foolish. you'll be honest with us in confessing you weren't sorr for your affair, but not your husband? oh, brother.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would have been sorry if anyone had been hurt.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you don't think anyone has been hurt by this? think again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(Like the thief that gets caught is then sorry.) And since it is a SECRET that I intend to take to the grave with me; please stop telling me to destroy my husband's life by revealing my PAST love affair!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you must think very little of your husband to believe that he will be destroyed. he is likely much stronger than you can imagine.

Sarie..are you 100% sure that something that went on for 10 years is such a well guarded secret that only you have the key to?

Have you never told another living sole or dropped hints? Were you never with your OM anywhere where someone could have saw you? Are you positive that your OM never told another living sole in 10 years (how improbable is that if he wasn't even married)? If OM has now found the love of his life are you positive that he won't tell his new love about you...that's what people who are truly in love do...they share all their secrets and history? Are you sure that if he tells her she won't feel the need to tell your H or one of her friends or family members?

I hope you're getting the point that secrets like this, especially ones who involve others and have gone on this long...rarely last as a secret. How can you live with the fact every day that this could be the day he tells his new love...what if this is day she decides to tell someone...how can you live with your H profess to love him and live with a time bomb ticking over his head?!!!

That's one of the things that hurt the most about my H's affair...he let someone else hold a secret that had the power to destroy me...of the very few things I am grateful for about this horrible A...it is that he told me and not her or her best friend!!! I was almost destroyed as is...but that would have probably done me in.

YOU NEED TO TRY AND PUT YOURSELF IN YOUR HUSBANDS SHOES!!! ONE OF THE STEPS OF RECOVERY IS TO EMPATHIZE WITH YOUR SPOUSE!!! YOU ARE BEING SELFISH BY TELLING YOURSELF THAT HE IS BETTER OFF NOT KNOWING....YOU ARE THE ONE THAT YOU REALLY FEEL IS BETTER OFF NOT KNOWING. FUNNY THING IS THAT YOU ARE NOT BETTER OFF!

Once the fog wears off and reality of what you have done really sets in....if you are the good, Christian person you profess to be this will start eating at you, you will start having difficulty facing your husband, you will be sorry for what you did, you will get paranoid about someone else telling him.

My H felt little guilt or remorse during the A but afterwards he had it in spades...it almost consumed and destroyed him. One of the things that saved him was doing the right thing...confessing to me, confessing to God, apologizing to OW Husband, apologizing to our children, our family..and doing everything he could to become a better person, husband, father and friend. THAT's how he is able to look at himself in the mirror again.

One last tidbit...like most WS's he confessed to EA first then over period of time to an full PA...during those couple of months that he was still withholding part of the truth...he lived with daily terror that the OW might tell her H all (I told her H everything I learned as I learned it), that OW might tell me all or that her best friend might tell me all. He knew that if they told before he found his courage that it would be all over...I wouldn't have been able to live through that....I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT AND NEITHER DOES YOUR H!!

TELL HIM!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sarie:

"Now, I wish I had met with him more often, I am sure he felt very rejected. I would have had sex with him everyday, if I had known he would no longer be a part of my life. This has been going on for 10 whole years!"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If tomorrow the OM were to come back into your life, how likely is it that you will be able to resist not giving in to him? Especially if you still feel the same way as your statement above.

Sarie I'm not going to say anymore on this subject. It is your call but please seriously consider what we've presented to you.

God bless you and your loved ones.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
<strong>
I would have been sorry if anyone had been hurt.
(Like the thief that gets caught is then sorry.) And since it is a SECRET that I intend to take to the grave with me; please stop telling me to destroy my husband's life by revealing my PAST love affair!

Sincerely, Sarie </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Those who lack courage will always find a philosophy to justify it. ~albert camus

What a bunch of selfish, weak rationalization. You already did hurt your husband by having an affair. It's NOT honesty that hurts, but ADULTERY.

Now you are compounding your crime by LYING to him. Your marriage is based on DECEIT and you are not to be trusted. You are cruel, dangerous and manipulative and he desperately needs to be alerted to the kind of person he is living with so he can protect himself from you. You are not worthy of trust.

You are the LAST PERSON in the world who is qualified to determine what is in his best interest, so please don't delude yourself into thinking you are doing this for his best interest. You are doing this for *YOUR* best interest because you are afraid to face the consequences of your cruel betrayal of this man. You are putting your fear of the consequences ahead of his best interest.

You don't fool us for a minute because we have seen [and used] all these weak, twisted rationalizations.

Your so-called "compassion" is nothing more than thinly veiled cowardice. If you truly cared about him you would tell him.

What if he would choose to NOT continue the marriage if he knew who you really are? Shouldn't that be his right?

Who are you to deny him that right?

Sarie,
Are there others who know about your affair? If so, your secret is forever in jeapordy. Someone like me could be your worst nightmare.
I told the ow husband that she had an affair with my husband, after she had kept it a secret from him for 15 YEARS. Now she is dealing with 15 years of lies, on top of the affair itself. I don't envy her position.
Could this happen in your case? If so, I suggest you be the one to tell him and the sooner the better. Your honesty will count for something, where if he hears it from someone else, you are toast.
Of all the bs on this board, there are very few who are not thankful they found out. Yes, it's the hardest experience ever for most. But nobody wants to be played for a fool. Don't take the "easy" way out--it's a trap.

Wow, you have had to endure lots of lecturing and preaching here. I applaud your sincere focus now on your loving husband, leaving behind the other guy. But I'm absolutely with you. With all due respect to the other members, and to the general philosophy of this site, it would clearly be much much much better if you kept the past to yourself.