Have just been mulling over some things, with the benefit of hindsight.

Plan B letter was sent to WH back in May, 6 months ago. He made a few attempts to get in touch with me over the next couple of weeks:
*wrote a letter back, saying he wanted to come back to the marriage, but wasn't sure what was stoppinghim. I didn't reply to this

*sent text messages asking me to communicate with him. I replied to these saying to him that unless he was finished with OW, he was not to contact me.

*sent text message asking if he could e-mail me, again I replied that until he was finished with OW, not to contact me. He didn't send the email.

*sent a text message asking if I would go to a counselling session if he made the appointment. I replied, asking what he wanted to talk about - he said he couldn't answer that question. So I repeated that until he was finished with OW, not to contact me.

Right throughout these conflict avoiding text message interchanges, I was consistently giving him the same message: "until you are finished with OW, please don't contact me".

He was in no doubt about what the conditions were. Did I make it too hard for him to come back?

I worry now that he may have been testing the water, and I just shut him out. I have not heard from him since the birthday present incident in July.

Is this normal, for the WS to retreat entirely like this? Or did I just give him more reasons to complete his exit?

I am feeling so confused right now. Just this morning, I was thinking about the control that WH tried to assume over my life and secretly thanking OW for taking him off my hands. And now I just want to hear from him, even if it is only so that I can tell him how much better my life is without him.

<small>[ November 25, 2003, 01:06 AM: Message edited by: Enigma ]</small>

Hey Claire, I've been wondering how you are doing.

Listen, I think every situation is different. I know my XH made very little effort to get in touch with me after my Plan B letter, only to send a stream of abuse in another letter. Some don't get it, some do. I don't think you asking him to stop seeing OW was wrong. How would you have felt letting your boundaries slip and agreeing to his requests and he was happily fence sitting/eating his cake? He could have you back in his life and still see OW, wouldn't that be convenient for him?

If after 6 months you feel different and you want to contact him, there isn't a rule book to say you shouldn't. I think that whilst Harley's plans are fantastic, sometimes, you just need to do what is best for you. I would ask you though to consider carefully what is motivating you. Does your H love you, miss you etc.? Probably, but he is also probably very fog bound if he is still with OW. Do you want to show him you are doing well? He can probably see that too.

As ever, not much help, but keep strong. I am sure you find that many of your days have become easier, but some days are still tough aren't they?
I have to say, my life has only truly become easier since my DV and the financial settlement has been paid.

Take care and wishing you well from London.

Lisa

I broke my plan B several times. Each time it set 'me' back. It may not have had much effect on my WW but emotionally I was a mess each time it happened. Plan B is not only for WS but for us, the BS, to keep the love we have for our WS. Sure, in many cases, it may let the WS fence sit/cake eat but I think breaking my plan B wasn't all bad. I let my wife know on those occasions that I did still very much love her and she was hurting me, but I wanted her to come home and work or our marriage. But, again, each time it happened, I felt very crappy when she didn't come back. She knows what it will take for her to come back but she also knows I still love her. Its been about 3 weeks since the last time I broke my plan B. It has been very difficult, but I'm doing ok and from what my Ds say about WW, she is doing ok also. So, it is up to you. I may be wrong in even saying it is ok to break your plan B, but I know what I did and how I feel...

Thanks LWH, I guess that when it comes to breaking into Plan B, one needs to weigh up the likely consequences (eg, setting yourself back) with the gains. Thanks you for sharing your experience.


Lisa,

Nice to hear from you again. I have decided that it is time to move on from Plan B, and divorce seems the best way to go. (see post in Divorcing/Divorced)

I have been asking myself why I want to communicate with him and it is hard to find a clear answer.

If I am totally honest,it appears to me that I just want to see him in pain. Not nice of me.

There is nothing to be gained by breaking the Plan B code of silence in order to
(a) tell him I want a divorce (a divorce is not possible for another 12 months)
(b) see if he is still with OW (that would just set me back)
(c) show him how well I am coping without him (that would just help ease his guilt)

So there is no GOOD reason to give in and contact him.

On a different note, I will be Claire In London soon! Not a MBer identity change, but I am leaving here in the New Year to do the Big OE (OMG, I accidentally typed OW!!! I really did ... I am almost shaking now!!). This is an opportunity I didn't have before WH walked out and now I fully intend to take advantage of it.

Looking forward to a wee stint in Sunny London!!

Take care, and it was lovely to hear from you again.

IMO your plan B was perfect. You set a reasonable boundary, and consistently stuck to it. That makes you a safe and desireable individual....that would only attract someone....not repel them....if he couldn't give up the ow on his own, then that is vital information for you to know.

sufdb, I don't understand, please explain:

if he couldn't give up the ow on his own, then that is vital information for you to know.

I am sorry you have come to the decision about DV, but I understand completely. I think some people here felt I moved too quickly with the DV, but to be honest, I absolutely knew in my heart there was no chance whatsoever of reconciliation. Pound Man had made that abundantly clear to me, he was continuing his revenge A with Shiney Head, and it just wasn't happening. As my solicitor said "Protect yourself and your assets".

In hindsight (pinching your title), I am happier now than I have been in a long long time. Sometimes, we have to be out of our R to be able to see them clearly. For me, my X was abusive, manipulative and controlling. I can't imagine why I even married him given the fact he hit me full on in the face 6 weeks before we married. I think what is hard is thinking that we have failed in some way, but you haven't failed at all.

I am glad I was able to help you think about your motivations and that you have decided not to contact your H. As LWH said too, it sets you back. I also think it is perfectly natural to want him to experience some pain. Having said that, I doubt him and OW are living a hunky dorey life.

When you come to London it would be nice to meet up if you are interested. I will post my e-mail address here and then delete it when you have it. Mail me directly, and if you would like to we can get together and I can show you some sights.
Take care Claire and wishing you well.

Lisa

<small>[ November 27, 2003, 02:31 AM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

Lisa, you can delete the address now. It will be lovely to put a face to the name, and see that MBers are actually real people! I am excited about my OE - hence the signature line. 6 months ago it seemed as if my theme was Emily Dickinson's "My life closed twice ..." This is a much better place to be.

Sometimes, we have to be out of our R to be able to see them clearly.

This is true - regardless of whether we go on to reconcile or divorce. That is why Plan B is quite crucial: one needs to be able to see the relationship for what it really is and then make a decision about whether to fix it or not.

For me, my X was abusive, manipulative and controlling. I can't imagine why I even married him given the fact he hit me full on in the face 6 weeks before we married.

That is awful! Good luck to Shiny Head!

<small>[ November 26, 2003, 09:55 PM: Message edited by: Enigma ]</small>

I think this is so about being outside something. My family really did not like X which I only truly found out after we separated. They saw his manipulation which of course is something I just lived with.

Having said that, I still don't justify what I did. I caused immense pain not only to me, but OM's W, Pound Man and OM I'm sure too. I wish I could have had the courage to make the decision to address the issues in our R that had become so huge without taking the path that I did.

Please do contact me directly Claire and we can sort something out. BTW what is OE? Overseas something perhaps?

Lisa

The OE:

We Kiwis (and Aussies and South Africans) have a proud tradition of doing the "Big OE" (Overseas Experience) sometime between the ages of 18-30. The usual starting place is a job in London, with a stopover enroute in Asia or the Middle East. Most people then spend 2 years (the length of the Visa) working in the UK and travelling through Europe.

I did a 6 month "little OE" about 7years ago and always wanted to return, but was prevented from doing so by the very stubborn (and selfish) Mr Enigma.

Last August the UK Working Holiday age limit was lifted from 28 to 30. So suddenly the chance to do an OE has come up again. This is great, because when I turned 28 last year I thought I had missed out altogether. With my current circumstances and only another half year to my 30th birthday, I can't let this chance pass me by. I will mail you with more details soon.

Being outside of the situation:
This is the only way that one can ever hope to see things for what they really are. My brother had noticed a lot of things about my WH prior to the marriage that he was alarmed about ... (porn, unusual asian preference) but of course didn't tell me about these doubts at the time.