This is what OM sent me the day AFTER he requested a break and the day after I sent 3 crazy emails and 1 phonecall in response to his request:

I know I shouldnt write you but I just wanted to say I was sorry for
everything that I have put you through and everything you are going
through now. I dont think either one of us expected the impact we would have
on each other and our lives. I need to do this for myself and for
my wife and I hope you can forgive me some day for the pain I have caused
you. Maybe, this will work out for you too and help you to patch things
with Steve a little better, who knows. Anyways, I hope you dont feel
alone because I will always be there for you if you really need me. So once
again I am sorry for all of this, I never meant to hurt you.

After my response of basically askin if that was "it" for us and tellin him that I would give him the time because I cared about his happiness , he responded:

I do believe you want me to be happy and that your not doing this on
purpose. I knew it would be tough for you and that you would need help at
first. I took all that into account when I told you.....I knew you
wouldnt be able to just drop me from your life and move on right away, but
you'll get through it.

As far as giving you false hopes about us, I dont wanna do that. I will
definately be back, to at least let you know whats going on with me.
But during our break I may decide I cant do it anymore.....I dont know
though. I hope we can still be together, but I dont know because I dont
know if I can have both of you and be honest to myself. ****** is my
priority and I have to prtect her and do whats best for us....if I can do
that and still be cool with you, then wonderful...I will be happier
person. But if I cant then I have to make the hard decision of what to
do......so I guess we will have to wait and see.

I hope you truly know I am not doing this to hurt you, and never
wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to put you in a position where you wuld
get hurt. I guess I f***d up. I thought I could be everything for
everybody, but I cant be.....I am sorry

and then, after i write to say that it sounds as if he has made up his mind already and why punish me, make me wait to hear its over, and just tell me now , he writes:

The truth is I want to wait and decide because I dont wanna have to
give you up. I would like to keep you in my life......if I had to decide
now I would say I have to let you go for good. But if I wait and see how
things go, maybe I wont have to do that...I just dont know. It is all
so confusing for me......I just dont know how to handle it all. I also
do know how long I will need.....I would assume in the next two weeks or
so I should have an idea of what I need to do...but I dont know for
sure. Truth is I dont know ****......I feel very lost about the whole
thing.

Then this is where I decided (last fri) to write the letter telling him that I was deciding for him, that it was over.

Its been almost 4 days since that letter and no response. Even though the context of my letter (which I AM just not ready to share yet) was loving and caring, it definitely ended with "thats it, GOODBYE FOREVER" wording.

I posted all this just to do something other then WRITE OM RIGHT NOW! I hope you all arent sickened by my sharing this.

I appreciate the end of your post, as I write on here, also to avoid emailing or instant messaging my OM. Nice to see I'm not the only one!

It's so hard isn't it?

I was thinking...I wonder what will be worse...hearing from the OM or never hearing...I want to experience the one that causes the LEAST pain cause betweenwhat I have done to my M, now losing the OM, I am so beside myself.

Sally,

You did the right thing. Now please be strong and don’t allow this man to use or manipulate you any longer. I understand it's not easy (I was there, done that), but if you continue to keep NC the pain will become lesser and more bearable with time and you will become stronger and stronger on this. But then you MUST KEEP NC and if OM try to contact you, you must IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE any contact from him! I understand right now you think it will be too painful to never hear from OM again... And yes, it will be painful (it's part of withdrawal), but it will pass... Continuous contact from OM will only give you a short 'quick-fix', but it will prolong you and your H's pain and it will prevent any personal and marital healing and recovery.

It's very clear from OM&#8217;s e-mails that he only cares about himself and his ownfeelings, (not yours OR his wife&#8217;s feelings). He want to keep you on the sideline and keep a door open depending on his feelings and for in case it will suite him to still have contact with you in future &#8211; very selfish and egocentric to say at least. After I&#8217;ve read your letter, it reminded me so much of OM&#8217;s selfish behavior towards me, but at the time I was too fogbound and couldn't see clearly. Please don't allow the fog to blind your senses. Don&#8217;t make the same mistakes I did and stay away from OM. DON'T allow him to step into you life again. Please take it from someone who was in a similar situation than you. Be strong. Ask God for His strength and help. And DON&#8217;T give in to your weakness. If you can succeed, you will feel so proud about yourself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All the best and good luck&#8230; I know this is difficult for you but you will come through this as many other FWS&#8217;s before you. TIME and PATIENCE&#8230;

Suzet

<small>[ November 25, 2003, 03:38 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

Suzet;

You know, when I told OM that this asking of a "break" HURT me so much and that I couldnt handle it, he said to think of him for once because this relationship has revolved mostly around me and what I needed. So I understood that he needed to do this. I never viewed it as selfish or egotistcal.

His letters to me don't seem to be sending the message that he may be back....rather that he has had enough and is just usig the "break" period as a way of letting me down.

If he does reply I truly believe it will be to sagy not to write him anymore, he's done. I wont write him back if that is what he does indeed say...I won't lower myself to that. However if he DOES show an interest in keeping me in my life, I am going to have to immediately turn here for encouragement because I strongly believe I will go back to him.

Thank you for your insight once again,
Sally.

Sally,

I&#8217;m sorry if I&#8217;ve sounded judgmental towards your OM and made the wrong perception about him&#8230; I think I&#8217;m maybe a bit over-cautious, -suspicious and -distrustful after my involvement with OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You werent by any means sounding judgemental..I just wonder if maybe he is that way and I am not seeing it??

Any thoguhts anyone?

to me it simply sounds like he has had a revelation(sp) and realizes that the relationship you two shared..while exciting and deep, was/is wrong...he is married, you are married, and if you aren't 'in love' enough to leave your spouses instead of deceiving them into beleiving everything is hunky dory that just makes it deceitful (not to mention a sin against God) and he is feeling the guilt..as well he should...i think he is leaving that door open for selfish reasons as well as the need to keep from hurting you more by telling you that his goal is to not come back in your life...

i truly hope that he doesn't cave and contact you again, i can tell that if he does at this point, you will likely just fall back into the relief of getting your fix, that all you have learned will be forgotten

i think you provided the closure that he was too weak to give you...the affirming that it is over has probably given him what he wanted..a chance to walk away without being the 'bad guy'...take it and run hun...run like hell...

Dream:

I really beleive that is what happened..he had this revelation. Knowing that I have come off as a weak and needy person this past year, he probably did want to use the break to ease me down, let me go without hurting me. He said it basically himself.

However, I truly wish then and there he would have said , go Sally, I dont want you anymore...because his wishy-washy letter, here nor there, makes me hold onto to stupid hope that he is perplexed, and needs me.

You are right, I probably would take him back...concocting in my screwed up head that although married, we were meant to have this friendship.

Let me tell you that I am trying very hard not to think that way, not to doubt myslef. Its very hard though. I really don't want to lose the very much I have learned he these past 4 days, beleive me.

Thank you again.

Hi Sally.
If and when you do hear back from him, post his reply here. (If you want.)

I truly understand your need for ONE MORE NOTE telling you that he thinks it will be for the best in the long run, for both of you, to stop writing one another.

It does keep your mind thinking of what to write and about what he had written, true? My story is so similar (except many years longer) but our communication was telephone conversations.

You and I both need to fill that void in our hearts where 'our friends' used to be. (Actually they are still there because this terrible withdrawal from them fills it to the brim, true?)

My OM and his lady went to Florida to see her mother over Thanksgiving...Can you believe I am suppose to visit HIS 93 yr. old mother in the nursing home to see if she needs anything while they are away...His 'honey' just thinks I am a family friend. I am that but I am also his previous best friend and lover! What a deal!
Love, Sarie

Sarie;

I will definately post his response, although sadly for me (yes, i feel sad to think of this) I really feel hes gonna take the opportunity presented by my email and not reply--get out of it while he can without feeling the some guilt for my suffering.

I continue to chekc my "secret" email account ALL the time....sometimes every 15 minutes. THis is so pathetic..he's probably holding up just fine. Im not saying he doesn't care, because I Really believe he does (why would he continue a rel'p after 10 months and 1 encounter?) . Im just a mess and he's probably dealing fine.

I think especially around your holidays (US Thanksgiving) he is going to use that time with his wife and close family, and reflect.

I know he won't want me back and I feel that I know this is best, but I still feel utter rejection yet again.

Sarie, your rel'p was longer then my barely-1 year affair....I can't imagine that feeling because my emotional attachment is SO deep and sickening to my gut.

I m off to bed (worked night shift) but will be back lata today to check.....my escape from that burning desire to email him is my bed. At least it will kill a few more hours.

Sally.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sally2003:

I continue to check my "secret" email account ALL the time....sometimes every 15 minutes. This is so pathetic..he's probably holding up just fine. Im not saying he doesn't care, because I Really believe he does (why would he continue a rel'p after 10 months and 1 encounter?).Im just a mess and he's probably dealing fine.

Sally.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sally as long as you have that 'secret' e-mail account you are sabotaging all your efforts to rebuild your marriage. No contact also means doing away with all avenues of communication between you and him. Having a secret e-mail account and checking for any messages from him is just as bad as having actually communicated with him and sets you back to square one every time you do it. It also needlessly extends your painful withdrawl from him.

Sally

Your life needs to be an open book for your H. All of it. You need to be open and honest, tell your H about all the email accounts. And cancel them. As long as you keep checking for email that is a form of contact. You just lengthen the time of withdraw. Guess I'm repeating what TMCM is saying.

It is in your best interest to end it. Its your choices that have driven the A, its your to stop. Think about it if you came off as needy from the beginning don't you think the OM took advantage of that for his own interests.

Your actions will speak louder then your words to your H.

God Bless

I am kinda sick of seeing WS and OW all over the place here.....

Have had dealings with women like you for the last two years.

And your venting about your yearning to check secret email accounts makes me kinda nauseous.

I am really sorry.

If you want to build a marriage, then build it. If you want to wreck it, then go to another site like tow....

If you want support for that then go there.

You and the other girl...sarie? I explicitly dislike how she called her married lover HER OM. It's not hers. He's not yours. He is married to his WIFE.

I am sickened because this site is for marriage building and most of us are victims of affairs. We don't want to see the ramblings of a star crossed married other woman pining away for her lying married man and father to his children. BTW...my x got his mistress preggo and he is miserable...can see it in his eyes.

Yea, OW are wonders all right. Wonders of lies and circular thinking and deceit. And WS are just as bad.

I think that you are here for help, if you want it, help is here for the asking. You will get good advice here. Take it and do what "they" say. But understand that neither you or the OM can have anything to do with eachother again if you want your marriage to survive and he wants his marriage to work. You cannot have a friendship, you cannot check in with eachother through any means. No contact means just that. It is hard, you may think you are going to die but you won't (I've survived until now without contact with the OW). If posting keeps you from writing to him then post like crazy. Read, learn get well. You deserve it, your husband deserves it and if you have children they absolutly deserve it.

If you play the "victim" if you start blaming then you will become helpless and unable to accomplish your goal to rebuild your marriage.

Good luck don't give up.
H

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">justpeachy:

"We don't want to see the ramblings of a star crossed married other woman pining away for her lying married man and father to his children. BTW...my x got his mistress preggo and he is miserable...can see it in his eyes.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As a BH I beg to differ, for this site is for BOTH BS and WS who are trying to rebuild their marriages. We, as BS, can better our understanding by learning from the minds of WS and FWS. They have as much right to belong here as you and me.

Justpeachy

This board is for all of us. BS and WS alike. For support, understanding, advice, and the of course the occasional 2x4. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If their here, they are here for a reason. I learned a lot from both WS's and BS's. Really would you want MB to be like a TOW site.

Im here because i ended up on a breakups suck board and got my head chewed off--someone there suggested this board.

i saw general questions as a heading and figured i would fit in here, if not anywhere else.

my sole purpose is to get help to get through the loss and the heartbreak i feel from the loss of my friend AND OM, and to get my marriage on track, and nothing else.

Sally.