Obviously, I DO want my marriage to work. I posted here once before about an affair that I am having. This OM is my next door neighbor, and I really do have very strong feelings for him, I know that myself and my children are better off with my husband. My question is...I am having a very, very, very hard time ending it with this OM. I know I need to, I'm just not strong enough. I just don't know what to do to make myself do it. You know...I "need to quit smoking, but I can't. Just like I know I "need" to call it quits with this guy, but I can't. Any idea's? Thanks everyone!! This site is wonderful!!

If you do want your marriage to work, you will just end it with the OM. The trouble is, you do not want badly enough for your marriage to work. You like to tell yourself that that's what you want, because it portrays you in a conflict with your feelings for the other man. But the fact is that you do not want it badly enough if you are not doing all that is in your control to protect it. So, if you are going to stay in the affair a while, at least do yourself the favor of honesty and say that your marriage is of undetermined importance to you.

Using the smoking analogy (I am an ex-smoker, as well as an ex-OW, so I know whereof I speak), if you want to be a non-smoker badly enough, you quit.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Just like I know I "need" to call it quits with this guy, but I can't. Any idea's? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Similarly, if you want to live a right life (married or not), badly enough, you stop conducting an adulterous relationship.

I will never tell anyone it's easy, but then, the important things never are.

Just do it. Stop saying can't. Imagine a different you.

<small>[ November 25, 2003, 08:45 PM: Message edited by: terminator ]</small>

Thanks! That makes sense. Maybe I DON'T want it bad enough. I thought I did, but you are right...obviously I don't. I'm just so damn confused!! Thanks T.

Hi,

This is my first post . . . please bear with me. I am also an ex OW--with the next door neighbor man. First thing you really need to do is move. This is what we did about a year and a half ago. In your situation, you can't help but run into him. I know! Even if you are trying to end it, you run into him outside. If you are trying to quit smoking, you don't keep cigarettes near by . . . I know! He is right next door!

Moving wasn't the end for me, but it got me a lot closer to the end. Tons of prayer finally ended it--very specific prayer. The confusion ends!

Sorry if I'm just butting in on that.

Next, I need help! We moved 1 1/2 yrs ago. I partially confessed to my husband and pastor 13 months ago. I fully confessed in February to my husband, pastor & several other people. I don't know what I am doing!!!!!!!! All I know is that I don't have it right. I want to please my husband, but I am not doing it right . . . we've had limited counselling . . . I have an accountability partner . . . I have had no contact with OM at all . . . I have no feelings left for OM . . . we get together with another couple that I confessed to with hopes to help, but that has turned into a Bible study . . . I've read Politically Incorrect Wife . . .
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Please help me fix the mess I've made. I need a different approach.

Thanks so much.

By the way, it wasn't easy! But despite the difficulty, it was well worth ending. Like I said, the confusion ends.

By the way, it wasn't easy. Despite that, it is well worth it. As I said, the confusion ends.

<small>[ November 25, 2003, 09:23 PM: Message edited by: dinorella ]</small>

No, you are not confused. Think about it. You are trying to choose everything, and when we do that, we spin. It feels like confusion, but it's not. It is "eenie, meenie, minie, mo."

It might help you to consider that you do know what is best for your kids (and you). It is the feelings around the other relationship that are clouding this judgement. You need to focus on those things which you know and believe (kids are better off with two parents, your marriage has at least a chance if you will focus solely on it and do the work) rather than what you feel.

Believe me, when the affair is found out, your opportunity to make any reasoned choices on your own time, as is afforded you now, will be lost. When the **** hits the fan, it is a long time, if ever, before things can be put back together. This does not even address the amount of pain inflicted on all parties, mostly innocent ones. So maybe that is a motivation for you to take stock of now, where you are now, and act responsibly.

People say everyone has to make their own mistakes, but I still feel compelled to try to tell people to get out of these relationships.

Nobody was a bigger fool over a man than I was, but I got out. If I could do it, anyone can.

Do you care about having a life that is right before God? If so, thinking on that will help you change things. If not, well, maybe now is the time to turn your attention to that concept.

Terminator, I would like to hear your story.
Is it in the archives or could you write it here again?
Thanks, Sarie
Actually my name is Sarah, but that Id was already taken.

Sarie,

Here are the bare facts: I am married, I was in a long-term affair with a man who was also married, I loved him, I ended it.

I get tired of writing it again and again, but maybe that's what I get for being here. ;-)

Originally posted by terminator:

I get tired of writing it again and again, but maybe that's what I get for being here. ;-)


HAHAHAHAHAHA .... your penance.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

writter's cramp!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ November 25, 2003, 10:07 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Well, yeah, it is kind of funny I guess...but on the other hand (ha! ha! ha! the one that isn't cramped) writing it again and again keeps me honest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I am also a WW with the next door neighbor. Fortunately, I had one thing working in my favor - he was renting from us. If you both own your own houses, it would make it more difficult for you to move (I don't know your situation there) For me, the only thing that slowed us down was that he moved (he was deathly afraid of H catching us, and he was also an old friend of H, which would have made it worse). I did not know were he moved (and still don't, or I'd be tempted to go there) after that we had to meet in hotels, which made it much more difficult. The only thing that stopped me all together was that my H found out. That will stop things REALLY fast. (but like the other said - it can be ugly and **** really does hit the fan) Like you, if it weren't for those two factors, I couldn't have or wouldn't have stopped seeing OW. Right now, I am early in recovery, and beleive me, if I even saw him, I would be sent backwards. There's no way in h*** I could do it if he still lived next door - I didn't want my marriage to work bad enough (well, at all really)

To confused at home:

How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him with a next door neighbor? Do you think it would be possible to humiliate and disrespect your husband in a more painful way and yet you say you obviously love your husband and want your marriage to work? Maybe if you were honest with your husband you could work together to end this affair. Does your husband really deserve this from you? Please seek counseling. Your neighbor is a man who obviously enjoys playing with a next door married woman and could care less about hurting your husband and destroying your marriage. I think you need to open your eyes. Would your husband ever do this to you? My guess is no because he loves and respects you too much. It is a shame you cannot say the same to him.
Maybe you should think about since you will not be honest with your husband that he eventually finds out himself and divorces you and finds someone else who will love and respects him. Close your eyes and imagine this because this just may be your future. A person defines themselves by their actions. Is this a person you wish to be?

We were not renting . . . selling & moving was well worth it.

Confused at home - I am the wife of a man that had an affair with the lady next door - and we are since divorced - as is she now - and they are still seeing each other - but all I can say is that is has been pure hell - With the OW living next door to me - it is a constant reminder of the betrayal that I received by my husband of fifteen years and this woman whom I thought was a friend. Two families have been destroyed and the children have to face each other on a daily basis. I mean it is bad enough when someone cheats on you - but to have that person living next door and a friend to boot - well it pretty much sucks.. I found out about all of this two years ago and I have been divorced for one year - and until recently I haven't been able to look at that other woman without the thought of b*tch I hope you rot in hell going through my mind..And still it bothers me that they are together - I mean lets face it - she has my husband - but it also makes it hard on the kids because they knew her and liked her - Now I don't think they will ever accept her or her kids except my exhusband - It is a no win situation - If you want to save your marriage then you need to get away from him- Once your husband finds out and believe me he will - it will be pure torture and a constant reminder that no one should have to live with - Having it thrown right back in their face day after day after day. Always wondering if when his car pulls out of the driveway is he going to meet you - Pure hell - End it - Move away - And make your marriage work..

Oh and add in all of the neighbors finding out and everyone feeling bad for the poor man who's wife cheated on him with the man next door... It makes a difficult situation much worse ...To have everyone's pity...

Thanks for all of the wonderful advice. We do both own our homes. My H hasn't been able to keep a job for the past 2 yrs, therefore our credit it horrible. We have tried to get financing for another home, and can not. So, we are basicly stuck here until our credit situation improves. I am going to IC, however I am still having a very hard time ending it. I really think if we didn't see each other everyday that it would not be as hard, however we do see each other every day, and there is no way around it. Thanks again for all your helpful, honest advise!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by terminator:
<strong> Well, yeah, it is kind of funny I guess...but on the other hand (ha! ha! ha! the one that isn't cramped) writing it again and again keeps me honest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I find you to be VERY honest. I trust you for that reason.

Pep

Thanks. That means a lot to me. I trust you too and I think you know at least part of what it took to get here--it didn't happen overnight.

P.S. My friend is xeroxing the pages I need but I am still going to try to get a complete book from the publisher. That is a book to own forever.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by terminator:
<strong> Thanks. That means a lot to me. I trust you too and I think you know at least part of what it took to get here--it didn't happen overnight.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, but I never walked in your shoes, so I can only trust that your experience was valuable to you, however painful and difficult.

And visa versa.

Know what, I think we need to remain mindful that because our recoveries did not happen overnight .... that slow growth makes our stories all the more beautiful and remarkable.

Staying the distance and becoming willing to grow through our pain is heroic.

You and I are heroes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Just different in our paths.

God Bless.

Happy Turkey Day

Pep

<small>[ November 26, 2003, 02:58 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>