<small>[ December 02, 2003, 05:13 AM: Message edited by: cowboy1957 ]</small>

I just read your story, a lot going on there!

As an outsider, to me, it seems like the FIRST thing that needs to be confronted and stopped is the DRINKING.

Is she an alcoholic? If so, she needs AA or some outside help....The healing of your marriage can not take place until the alcohol is no longer controlling her actions.

As a non drinker, that is just my opinion.
Love, Sarah

<small>[ December 02, 2003, 05:14 AM: Message edited by: cowboy1957 ]</small>

<small>[ December 02, 2003, 05:15 AM: Message edited by: cowboy1957 ]</small>

Cowboy it is evident that your W is using the tiniest of excuses to justify her unloving, uncaring, and disrespectful behavior as a W and mother.

You have to wake up that even if you had irrefutable evidence that you did not cheat on her, she will still not want to beleive it. So stop obssesing that you are going to convince her because she does not want to be convinced by you or anybody else.

Your W's behavior, is very reminiscent of my XWW's(first W) and I will tell you that just like I lost all love for my X, you also will lose all love for your W and will opt for divorce. My suggestion is for you to read Dr Willard Harley's book 'Surviving An Affair' as well as Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder'. In the meantime please read What Are Plan A And Plan B . There's no guarantee that if you carry out a flawless Plan A/Plan B that your marriage will be saved BUT you will have the tools to give you a fighting chance to do so.

Keep posting, others will come by and share with you their insights.

Cowboy

I am truly sorry for the pain you are going through but you have come to a great place to get a lot of guidance and support as you deal with the problems in your marriage.

Let me pickup on what Sarie is saying about your wife’s drinking. As you stated, your wife may well be an alcoholic. The first step in healing your marriage is to get her off the booze.

You can’t do that yourself. She needs treatment in an alcohol and drug rehab center. She will most likely not go along with receiving treatment. She will deny that she has a problem.

I would suggest that you contact a couple of alcohol and drug treatment centers in you area and speak to the counselors. S/he can give you specific information on intervention and how to have her admitted. Both inpatient and outpatient programs are available in many areas.

Beau

<small>[ December 02, 2003, 05:17 AM: Message edited by: cowboy1957 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cowboy1957:
<strong> I do not believe she is alcoholic in the sense that she has to drink. But, she does drink when she is hurting and has a hard time talking honestly unless she is drinking.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If it makes you both feel better, call it a drinking problem, or "issues with alcohol." Doesn't matter what you call it - she is using alcohol inappropriately and dangerously, and there is no reason she can't stop drinking completely. I've found that's one of the surest ways to determine whether it's truly a problem: if the user rejects the concept of giving up alcohol altogether, it's a problem. Make it a joint Christmas present to yourselves - both of you give up alcohol forever (or even for a year). Your body will thank you, your wallet will thank you!

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it is very selfish of her to try to prevent me from doing this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is selfish. She wants to protect herself from an embarassing, demeaning sober moment. My H resisted tooth and nail formally ending his last affair. He was ashamed and just wanted it to go away; facing it left him with horrible feelings about himself and his actions. This was a non-negotiable issue for me, and it took a while, but he finally sent a no contact email.

For the same reasons, we decided against telling his OW's husband. My H just could not face his own shame and the blow to his ego involved in telling a friend he was involved with his wife. Telling her H was more of a revenge thing for me, and I finally decided my soul would not benefit from vengence (no matter how good an idea it seemed at the time).

Your situation is somewhat different, since you may be coming face to face with these guys. I'd look verrrry closely at your motives for confronting them. I am wondering just how altruistic and caring your motives are for relieving these guys of their guilt. But if that's truly your reasoning, then I would think it would be best for both you and your wife to confront them together. It will be an agonizing thing for your wife to do, but in the end, being able to apologize to them for her actions, and letting them know you guys are on the right track may help her healing process.

Cowboy

I gather from your story that the problems with your wife going off and getting drunk began 8 years ago after you had an emotional affair with a 17 yo girl. You say that you didn’t have sex with the girl, but you cared for her and it showed and your wife was crushed by it. Since then she has tried to punish you. Going off with friends and getting drunk and kissing other men is meant to make you hurt just like your hurt your her. The EA hurt your wife so much that she has stated that she can do as she pleases because she doesn’t consider what the two of you have as a marriage. You didn’t explain why there was no sexual fulfillment in your marriage only that it was your fault. Cowboy, what is going on?

The best advice I can give is for the two of you to find a marriage counselor that believes in MB concepts and work to resolve your differences and reconcile the marriage.

Beau

cowboy,

I did not see where it is that you told your wife that you still loved her. You told us that you do, you said that you showed her by building a house with your two hands. That is great and wonderful, but women and men view love differently. Women need to hear it said out loud and not just in the heat of the moment!!! But just because you do and you want her to know it!!!

I understand how you felt that building a house was a loving thing to do, but women would probably say that they see that as you fulfilling your ego as to "look what I did".

Women want to be told that they are loved!!!! You sound like most men and that you don't know how to put things into words. Bulls*tt, just say it "I love you"

My 2 cents worth this evening, sounds like you have a chance to recover your marriage, I think alot of people that have shared with you have given you some great advice. Revoery is hard, but put the work into it, it will be so worth it for the two of you and your family, a 2 parent family is so important and that is what makes me the angriest about my situation, he took that away from our children!!!!!!

dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 28, 2003, 07:07 PM: Message edited by: daybreak ]</small>

<small>[ December 02, 2003, 05:19 AM: Message edited by: cowboy1957 ]</small>

Cowboy

Seek individual counseling for your problems and marriage counseling for both you and wife. There are alot of issues to be resolved

In the meanwhile, try to meet your W's emotional needs. In addition avoid love busters , e.g., No angry outbursts, no judgement, no disrespect.

Beau