Sarie, Yes, my H told me without getting caught. Actually, he thought I was close to figuring out, when I was nowhere near. Especially with the unlikely acquaintance he had picked.

He told me he loved me, and wanted only our marriage. That the affair meant nothing. That he would do anything to get it back. That he couldn't change the past, but that the future was different.

I was shocked, I was outraged, I slapped him hard. For the next few weeks I had screaming fits. But after a few weeks, I began to calm down and want our marriage back.

He was right. The future sure was different. He had a "relapse" into the affair as I was getting over it. Now our marriage is O-V-E-R. I guess he, too, was just in over his head. He didn't choose to hurt me, Sarie, or the son he abandoned six weeks before high school graduation. It just sort of "happened."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
... I had the mistaken feeling of what he doesn't know won't hurt him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">apparently you still do.

Sarie

“I will give you a clue though, about people that have affairs: Out of GUILT, we treat our mates better and kinder than those not having affairs!

When he yells and cusses over small stuff (like if he spills something) I patiently clean it up, never use harsh words to him probably because what I know I have done is so much worse than anything he does!”


As a result of coming to MB and having had a number of people (BS and WS) confront you with the facts that the affair was wrong and the only way to go about healing YOURSELF and the M is to be honest with your husband, I would like to point out that the guilt you feel will grow like a cancer in your soul. You can lie and deceive your H but you can’t lie to yourself. Your personality is split in half. There is the good and caring side and then there is the lying cheating side. That conflict will not go away. You will be under constant mental stress in an attempt the resolve the conflict.

In your soul you know that what you did was terribly selfish, dishonest, and just plain wrong. You would not want your H to treat you the way you have treated him!

Those feels of guilt, dishonest, adultery, will eat away at you. Because you are in such denial it may take a few years but the day will come when you will be overcome with grief and sadness and self-loathing and depression. You will look back at your life and this affair and only feel pain and misery.

You can run but you can’t hide from yourself or God. The truth will set you free.

Beau

Sarie,

If you do not tell your H about your A, you will be lying every breath you take, every moment, every day, every year of your life forever. In effect, your life will be a lie because your intimate relationships are not real. You know the truth, and it will taint your psyche and therefore your relationships forever. Your comments show that this is already taking place.

Are you prepared to have this hanging over your head for the rest of your life? Every time you interact with your H? For decades?

Look at this another way. If your H does not know how your ENs are not being filled, how can he change and learn to meet them? Things will just stay the same. And it will be a matter of time before you seek a solution in another
destructive way.

Few of us are strong enough to bear up indefinitely under such stress. Your lies will eventually drag you down spiritually, emotionally, physically. You will never be the person you were meant to be. The irony is that the one you are deceiving the most is yourself.

Please listen to everyone. They see the bigger picture. They know where you are headed.

Estes

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
<strong>.....I will give you a clue though, about people that have affairs: Out of GUILT, we treat our mates better and kinder than those not having affairs!

When he yells and cusses over small stuff (like if he spills something) I patiently clean it up, never use harsh words to him probably because what I know I have done is so much worse than anything he does!
... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sarie,

If you believe that you really don't know what a BS endures. Many of us have scars physical, mental and emotional that we will carry for the rest of our lives, no matter how much our M;s heal.

In regards to not telling your H, RU sure he doesn't already know or suspect? Depending on one's personality this secret of yours could be his secret while he patiently waits for you to reveal the truth and improve your relationship.

The cloud of doubt you will have hanging over both your heads will prevent you from ever having real happiness in your M again. But that is your choice. Yet why make that decision for him?

Maybe you could find out via a 3rd party type of question. Ask regarding an incident about another couple with a similar problem and how he might feel in their scenario.

Speak to some older one's who have taken that path of silence and see if they advocate when they are on the other end of the spectrum.

My girlfriend's mom lives with the knowledge that her H has a long standing A which now he is in his 70s he is still carrying on with the same OW for about 30+ years. It makes my friend sick. She loves her dad but has no respect for him and has told her mom to leave her dad. Her mother wants to but feels she is now too old to make such a drastic change. Doomed for life is how she feels yet her H has provided for her financially in a great way. Meets her needs for entertainment and attention. Just goes golfing a lot and away on 'trips' w/OW under the disguise of tending to his family business. Isn't that a sicky habit.

Now you must realize this is an otherwise very intelligent and sucessful man who has no respect from his family. See you never know who already knows. You just never know.

L.

Sarie,

Something for you to think about (you might not agree, but the following is my true belief as a Christian):

Someday the truth will come out and then your H will be more devastated by it than hearing the truth from you now&#8230; Yes, it might take 10, 20, 30 years or longer, but eventually the truth will come out whether you want to believe it or not... The truth always have a way to be exposed on way or the other. And the longer you wait the harder it will be. Maybe it will come out in a way you never dreamed of and when you expect it at the least&#8230; It&#8217;s even possible that your H might never found out about your affair while he is living on this earth (or while you both are living on this earth), but what about after this life? What about life after death? Then the truth can&#8217;t be hidden anymore&#8230; Have you ever think about that??? The Scripture clearly states that one day all truth and hidden things will be exposed. Yes, our God is a Loving God and He will forgive all sinners who have real repentance and remorse, but it won&#8217;t prevent ALL TRUTH from being known one day.

It&#8217;s your own choice and only you can decide what your are going to do&#8230;

Good luck,
Suzet

Sarie -
An excellent book to read is "After the Affair" by Janis A. Spring. The last chapter in it deals with "to tell or not to tell" issues. But read it beginning to end.

The question of good intentions. Well...

I have first-hand experience of the OW who "never meant to hurt anyone". My stepmother. She just happened to fall in love with a married man with 3 kids. They couldn't stay away from each other - she "tried and tried". But the romance of the whole affair overwhelmed her again and again. Their "romance" to her is the stuff of legend - Taming of the Shrew, Burton and Taylor, her 30 year affair with my father lives in her mind as comparable to these.

Who has had to live with the consequences of her a(and his) total failure to take responsibility for her "wonderful romance".

His family.

My brother broke down at age 13, had a troubled adolescence and slipped over the edge into paranoid schizophrenia at age 19. He died two years ago at age 42 of liver failure, brought on by the side effects of 23 years of heavy meds.

My father had to give us money for college in secret - said it would make her mad if she knew.

Me - Stepmother and I share the same birthday. Mom finally threw him out of the house because he celebrated her birthday with her, instead of with his own daughter. Every year of my life, I have had to listen to her go into raptures about how wonderful it is that we share a birthday. I was invited to her 40th birthday party in a restaurant, where in front of all the guests, she enthused about how she had first met him, "the love of her life", on her birthday (I was 5 years old on that day).

My mother now had incurable bone cancer. My father was a doctor - my stepmother is now the one with the gold-plated medical care, while my mother is with an HMO, who took 3 months to give her a bone scan.

My stepmother has had 6 abortions.

At my brother's funeral last year, my SM looked at the pictures of all of us as children and chirped sadly "Oh, you were too young - too young to have your father taken away from you." In some dim recess of her mind, she must realize what she did to us, and someday, she'll have to meet her Maker - and what will she say?

I know what she will say - exactly what she will say -

"I never meant to hurt anyone".

LIR

LIR,

Your story was truly an eye opener into the A world from a child's perspective. I am glad you shared it with us. Maybe you could post is on a separate thread? I think it would help many a BS and their children see what you and your mom went through and how to learn from it.

Thanks for sharing.

L.

LinR- What you wrote really hit home for me.

I hate when I hear the excuse "but I never meant to hurt you/ anyone" BULL! You walked into a situation with your eyes wide open. You became involved with a married man, who has/had a family who depend on him.

But wait, it was all based on love or even that lovelt word "soul mate". In a way it was, but it is not love for another but Narcissism. Affairs are not based on honesty, integrity and trust. They are based on dishonesty, betrayal and abuse of not the physical kind but of the emotional kind. To say it is based on anything else is a lie. You are very aware that your actions are going to really hurt another/ others but you do it anyway.

It takes strength to realize that their are problems in a marriage and actually work on them first before getting involved with someone else and betraying your vows. For the OP, you know the person is married yet you still get involved?

It is not a mistake, it is not error of judgment. It is a calculated move that will hurt another person and ripple into the whole family and extended family.

I am not surprised to read stories like what Lady in Red wrote. In fact, I would be interested in the number of kids who start using drugs, becoming sexually involved too early, drop out of school, develop mental health issues, relationships issues etc etc.

My mother had an exit affair when I was 15, I started using drugs, hanging out with a bad crowd, became sexually active way too early, got into several relationships that were really awful (and yes a couple of the men I got involved with were involved with others) I had no respect for myself or others.

I have no problem with divorce, it was the best thing for my parents. But parents are obligated to set an example for their kids, we teach our kids to not steal, lie or cheat but if our actions do not meet these ideals then how good of parents are we? We are basically saying do as I say not as I do. No wonder so many kids get screwed up from affairs. No wonder they hate OP. They are an invasion into their home and they represent so many things to them. Divorce first, do yourself, family and society a favour. The impact is not just on the immediate but our taxes pay for the impact things like this have on children...ie; addicition, mental health issues, welfare etc etc.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have been reading Dr. Haley's articles and he even recommends letting the spouse continue seeing the other person (lover) for 6 months after the affair is known, if they can't get over the addiction to the lover.

That seems like unreal advice. God, how could the spouse handle such a thing?
The 'knowing' the mate is cheating? It is different if it is a secret and they DON'T KNOW but to know their mate is with another, HARD!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sarie, I have just read most of this thread. Hadn't been able to do that until today.

I was one of the spouses who "allowed" for lack of a better word my husband to continue affair. He told me of affair. It was the worst night of my life and the beginning of a living hell that I am just now coming out of.

From what I've read here, you seem to have been stomped on quite a bit. Some of it may be deserved, but sometimes I think a thread can get into a spitting match. Forgive me all of you who have been spitting at each other ... just an observation from Miss Nonconfrontation here.

Sarie, this is about how OW intentions weren't to hurt anyone. I can tell you that the OW hurt me beyond anything comprehensible. But my husband hurt me even more. It was not her fault that my husband made the choice to have an affair. He did that of his own volition. He said that our marriage was injured prior to the affair and that our marriage and the affair are separate problems. I'm still trying to understand this aspect from his point of view. Some days, I think I get it. Other days, I don't.

My husband decided to tell me about his affair. Having this come from him was far superior than finding out any other way, be it from a friend, family member or just happenstance. My first thought when he told me was, "How can we repair our marriage?" There was NOT ONE DOUBT in my mind of what I wanted. I never thought that I might NOT want to stay married to him for at least a few weeks. He was wayyyy too important to me!

You absolutely never know how your husband will react. If you truly love him with all your heart, you can gather up the courage to tell him. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life. It may also be the best thing you have ever done in your life. I can feel in the very bottom of my heart that our marriage WILL be better than it ever was. Even better than when we were first married and wanted to spend every minute together and couldn't get enough of each other.

This is getting long, but wanted to share my thoughts with you. Think positive. Pray hard. God will guide you and give you strength.