I've been reading some posts recently where the WS was happy that her H did not know about her 10-year affair. Honestly, at least at first, I wished my W didn't know about mine. But since she had already discovered the A and everyone recommended that she be told I feel that we are on the path to recovery. It would have been better if she had not found out the way she did but I cannot undo that. I know that I would have confessed to the A eventually because I couldn't keep such a deed undisclosed forever. Fearfully I revealed the ID of the OW and I answered all my W's questions about the A.

Happiness is not flooding our lives. I hope this is a momentary phase but it does not feel good to be where we are in our relationship. We love each other; we laugh together; have open discussions and worked very hard to get in touch with each other but the A is still hanging over our heads. My question is: Do people ever recover? I know there is evidence for recovery but right now it seems like a very long way off. Is it only for a select group? Do we have to do everything "perfectly" and if not are we doomed to starting all over again? I want my W to be happy again, I want to be happy with her; She deserves it, we deserve it.

H

<small>[ November 26, 2003, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: Hiker ]</small>

Hiker,

I'm going to be very honest with you.

I as a BS would say that it is possible to "recover" but gosh, it takes a heck of a long time.

I'm feeling better and better and I'm honestly happy with my life.

Even though the pain still surfaces once in awhile it isn't as bad at it was at the beginning of "recovery".

It's almost 3 years for us since d-d and I'd say "I'm almost there". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I do have admit that our road to "recovering" was terrible at times.

I experienced total numbness, very deep depression with really considering suicide,
I went through periods of extreme drinking (I never used to drink alcohol)
I had terrible panic attacks and total breakdowns.
I had times when I was furious and actually at times it became physical. (this had NEVER happened before)

This all happened in phases and not all at one time.

Every time I went through one phase our relationship seemed to become closer and more understanding.

I hope I haven't scared you, I don't mean to do that.
I just wanted you to be aware that this can happen.

When I look back, I know it was terrible for my WS and yet it's so precious for me to know that we experienced all these terrible things together.
My WS was able to see the pain and what this had done to me.
The fact that he didn't give up and just leave me means the world to me.

Just last nite my WS was reading the newspaper. There was an article about a famous guy having an affair.
He looked at me and then he told me the following:
You know something, honey??? When I read this, my first thought was , this guy is the biggest §sshole walking around.
I used to be an §sshole but when I read this, I realize that I must of been absolutely crazy, gosh..........

We looked at each other and he gave me a hug and a kiss. He then told me: Gosh, do I love ya and I'm sooooo happy.

Hiker, this is our situation now.

My WS never was the type of man to speak out such feelings and he never used to tell me these kinda things, at least not the way he now does.

I'm really enjoying it and I am more than happy.

It all just takes alot of time but it's possible.

take care
bb

Dear Hiker.
According to the advice you will get here, be glad your wife knows.

Had my husband found out about my affair early on, I am sure it would have benefited our marriage as I would have stopped the affair and had to confront the problems in our marriage.

The way I have been thinking is if my husband were to die of a heart attack this coming Sunday afternoon, would I be thankful I had told him of my affair or would I wish with all my heart that I hadn't told him.
My answer keeps coming back, DON'T TELL HIM.

Before coming to this site, never once had it crossed my mind to confess to him about my affair...NOT ONCE..I just thought it better that he did not know.

It seems a lot of the reasoning behind telling is to keep the WS from repeating the same thing over or continuing in the affair, is that right?

I know without a doubt that my husband would forgive me, that he loves me unconditionally.
He does not even like to be alone or away from me in the evening...I probably am not away from home without him, not one evening a year.I am his rock, the sunshine of this home.
It would completely break his heart if he knew of my affair, I can't do that to him. If he had found out, I would have dealt with it but to tell him now, NO, CAN'T, feel it would be the wrong thing to do.

I know the advice here is to TELL. It is like people that are on the Atkins diet; they think the almost all protein diet is the only way to lose weight but there are other ways...Same here, when it comes to healing an injured marriage, confessing our sins to our mates may just not be the only way.

And yes, I have been living a lie, what with all the conversations daily with the OM and the occassional get-togethers but THAT IS OVER!

I am looking at my marriage in a entirely different light now.
I still do not plan on telling him but I hope and pray through the Lord's help, I can be forgiven and start TODAY to make amends.
Love, Sarah
P.S.Only the people that have been through this can answer your question of if it can get completely better...It seems many have gotten divorced and that is sad.

BB
It is always good to hear from you. It is encouraging to see what might take place for us. I have seen my wife behave in ways I thought I'd never see although she is more like her old self now. She still gets angry, she still asks "how could you?" She is still depressed and she tells me there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't think about the A and the OW as well. I know she loves me we still have our special moments. She knows that I am struggling to empty myself of the OW, it is much harder than I thought it would be...but honestly I never thought we would be in this position. I think that most WS believe their lives will not be touched by the A, we don't think about having to recover. I am a diligent person so I will continue on even though now I am discouraged.

Sarah I think we are passed the "getting a divorce" stage. It may have been a momentary consideration on my W's part but we are to strong to let that happen to us. God will forgive you but I think you need your husband's forgiveness more than His. It is important that you and your husband work as a team to make "amends". He thinks everything is OK, my wife thought everything was OK but it wasn't. My wife is very willing to work on our deficiencies hopefully your spouse would be too.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving we have many reasons to be thankful
h

Hiker:
Go over to the recovery board and read about the successful recoveries. A lot of those who used to post here last year when I was a "newbie" are gone now....recovered and moved on.

Some are still working through the recovery stage. It is a long process compounded by the length and depth of the A, how quickly NC was established and how long it has been maintained, willingness of WS to come out of fog and begin the hard work.

I feel that we are a success story. But it's like being an alcoholic. You're never NOT an alchololic - you either are or you aren't. I think we will always be "in recovery" or at least "on guard" for any future problems in the M. But that's okay - and I'd rather live my life this way than the way it was prior and during the A.

Good luck to you and your wife, and have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

DB

Do people ever recover? Hmmmmm - yes, we did/are. You can see by my sig line it was not smooth or easy, and it took longer than I would have liked.

I will never be the same again. He will never be the same again (for the better, I think). But we can look at each other and say that today, are marriage is much closer to what we wanted than ever thought it could be. We have more intimacy in terms of our relationship, we know more about each other, we are more considerate and caring, and we love each other more deeply than we ever have.

Hiker,

does your wife read here in Marriage Builders???

bb

She did at one time, but now only on occasion mostly over my shoulder.
H

bb
Is it significant that she reads or does not read?
She knows MB is here. She knows I am here and posting. I've never asked why or why not she isn't here more or why she hasn't posted etc. She has read some of Dr.Harley's books, read some books by others and she has completed questionairs. She tells me on occassion that a day doesn't pass by w/o her thinking about the A. We are "getting along" pretty well right now... alomost normal. She hasn't mentioned the A or the OW in a long time.
H