Background: My WS finally admitted to having EA, got arrested for Domestic Violence - he called the cops, then has called the cops again to say I was unstable, then has left every night, slept at OW's house on Wed - she lives with her daddy, then goes to marriage counseling only to say to OW he will try to call after his "session", then to leaving because he needs time and he can't stand to be around me, to saying today he wants to work things out then telling me everything that is wrong with me then saying he won't come down to my Dads for Thanksgiving because he can't stand me....Now honestly I have been a brat, I have been snooping, I beat his car with a newspaper, I have cursed out his parents and the OW, I said I wanted to beat him to a bloody pulp, I said I hate his parents and wish they would die, etc etc he says I am a nutcase...

I am tired. I am pregnant post D-day and I have had enough. I repeatedly tell him I love him to dead air. I tell him we can work this out and that I do have an anger management issue and I will go to counseling and he won't stop communicating to OW, he told me that he rec'd a birthday gift from his co-workers and today admitted is was from her.

I know whoever reads this is not able to know the whole story; but when do you as the BS need it to stop. I throw up everyday, I cry everday hanging on to dear hope that he will come out of this fog. I have bought Dr. Harleys book his needs her needs, I have honestly tried.

I have lost 18 lbs in 2 weeks and being pregnant that is not a good thing. I have made a decision, but I will not file for divorce until the first of the year...that was my personal commitment so that if the fog clears and he comes back truly wanting to work it out then I would have done no action. But I am done, I want him out of my life the way he is now. What do I do? I can't take this verbal/emotional abuse anymore....physically, mentally and emotionally. I had to take a leave from work because I can't handle it and he won't make a decision or if he does his actions betray his words. I have made this decision for myself and I need advice on how to go about it. Do I go to plan B, there is no more time for Plan A, if just for the fact I can't take the emotional roller coaster and the fact I need to start moving on and taking care of myself and unborn child.

Any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated...Please help me look at this clearly...

Yes it sounds like it is indeed time for Plan B. Your love bank is getting close to being closed and unless you protect the love you have left, you won't have enough to weather the hardest part which is the beginning of recovery (if and when your WH ends his A and expresses a desire to rebuild the marriage).

If you're interested, here's the Plan B letter that Jon(the BH) gave Sue(the WW) in Dr Harley's book 'Surviving An Affair'.

Plan B letter...Ok but it is not just the affair I want to stop, it is the emotion and mental abuse as well, can I say that in the letter, that I will no longer tolerate being treated this way? I like the letter...do I e-mail to him or give it to him or does it matter?

sweet regardless of your course of action please make sure you put your health and your baby's health highest on your priority list.

Stress can in some cases cause tremendous complications in a pregnancy endangering your baby's health and in some rare cases yours as well.

No words of wisdom but take care of yourself right now.

Can you move in with your parents/sister/brother or something? Or have one of them move in with you for the time being? That would give you some much-needed protection and support.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sweet1213:

Plan B letter...Ok but it is not just the affair I want to stop, it is the emotion and mental abuse as well, can I say that in the letter, that I will no longer tolerate being treated this way? I like the letter...do I e-mail to him or give it to him or does it matter?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think that it is wise for you to use confrontational words like 'I will no longer tolerate being treated this way' because it will only validate your WH's negative feelings towards you, and how does that help the cause of saving your marriage? When it comes to saving your marriage you would be wise to remember to leave your ego at the door.

Plan B is essentially a love letter to which you can add things such as happy experiences the two of you shared. As foggy as your WH is, the bringing up of those happier times will burrow through his emotional defenses and take root inside his soul. Whether he likes it or not, he is going to compare you and the OW, and if the last thoughts of you were from your Plan B letter, don't you think that he is going to see if the OW can give him those happy times he shared with you?

Don't send him an e-mail because it can be easily deleted. Send him an old fashioned letter because he is more likely to keep it and read it every so often when he has doubts about his actions.

Plan B cannot guarantee that it will save your marriage but by implementing it, you are not only giving your marriage its last chance to be saved but you are also giving yourself the best chance to move on with your life without any doubts or second thoughts that might haunt you if you ultimately decide to divorce your WH.

I found out about my husband;s affair after i found out I was pregnant. Pre dday I did not have any morning sickness/ nausea, post dday, I lost 15 lbs in about a month.

In my pre-natal appt I talked to my dr about the nausea and he gave me script for Diclentin. I am now 8 months pregnant and still have to take that medication...if I don't I throw up.

Definitely talk to your doc about getting this med, it is proven safe in pregnancy. (It is an anti-histamine/ vitamin B6 combo)

As for the WH, get out now. Move where you will be 100% supported and Plan B. You have to set up these boundaries for your health and the health of your unborn child.

Follow your gut, the title of your thread says your done...mean it for your own emotional well-being.

Good Luck, I truly hop everything works out for you...I think an A is one of the hardest things to go through as a BS, it is 100% compounded when you are pregnant too.

WS says he wants to work things out, then calls me a nutcase, opened his own seperate checking account, admits that his family never liked me (that is an issue for him) still takes calls from OW (she has pecans for him from Alabama, how sweet)...Now granted I yell and curse and scream and I know I need to stop but I am so frustrated...his head is stuck so far up his you know what...

He thinks I am making this EA a bigger issue than it is but does not realize by his lack of addressing it he is making it a bigger issue!

How do I stop yelling at him when he says so many hurtful things? I told him I will not tolerate it anymore but it doesn't get through his thick head.

I am supposed to go home tomorrow, I haven't seen him in eight days and he said not to expect him to love on me etc because he is not comfortable with me.

How am I supposed to go home and he loves on the baby and I wish he would just show me some love and affection. But I know I won't get it while in the fog, but does this fog ever lift. When does everything stop being my fault? He told me I can't do anything right lately...

Help please.

Start by admitting to yourself and apologizing to your H that you are a nut case. The EA, the abuse, the pregnancy,... it put you over the edge...

Don't wait. Get away from him. Tell him you need to pull yourself together.

I look back 18 months with oh-so-much regret... I should have done this. You cannot change him, and you cannot tolerate how he treats you. He has to wise up to that. By trying to convince him that he is wrong, you are acting out and appearing to be nutty.

One more suggestion. Rent the movie Gaslight. I think that many people whose spouses have affairs experience some of what happens in Gaslight.

Also, I read a book called The Emotionally Abusive Relationship which has helped me. Get away from him and pull yourself together. That doesn't mean you want the M to end.

One other thing -- I don't think you are done. When you are done, there is no anger or hatred. There is indifference.

<small>[ November 29, 2003, 10:44 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>