Hi,

I have been married four years tommorrow. I love God, and trust that he will always take care of me. But over the last four years I have been deployed to another country, and my wife has had four miscarriages, and recently had her thyroid removed due to thyroid cancer. She is fine now but we still are getting the medication adjusted. My wife place all her priority on my son, and thier isnothing left for me. My son is three.

I also have strong feelings that my wife may be having an affair. When I ask for intamcy its always NO! or IM not felling well, or lets just do it and get it over with. My wife has no passionate desire for me. I work out, and try to tell her I lover her, I try to show my love. I dont get the feeling she desires me physically. I think as long as I earn a paycheck, fix the house when needed, and spend time with my son she is happy.

I see some small evidence that leads me to believe something is up, but I just dont know. How can I be assured that my wife is being faithfull. I ask God to make it obvious to me either way. I need advice how to handel this. I am about at the end of my rope. I almost feel like cheating myself, but I know this would violate Gods law, and I do love my wife to much to do that.

Signed
Frustrated

Melman there are other reasons why your W may be turned off to sex that does not have anything to do with an affair. One reason is that women are very hard workers and they become resentful when their H's do not volunteer to help them with the kids and the household chores and are demanding sex from them. At the end of the day, they are truly exhausted and the farthest thing on their minds is sex. Another reason that turns many women off to sex, is when their H's only give them attention and affection as a prelude to sex. Instead of feeling desirable and wanted, they end up feeling like a piece of meat. Many women also wonder if their H's truly love them or just lust them. They question whether their H's will leave them for another woman if for some medical reason they could not be able to have sex with them. Have you ever wondered why a WW(wayward wife) feels like having sex with the OM(other man) but not with her H? Because the OM usually treats her with respect and is attentive of her. I really recommend that you read The Love Diet and implement some of the suggestions in it. She may be your W but she is also a woman who needs you to treat her with love, kindness and respect so she can feel desirable and in the mood for sex. I hope this helps you.

I almost forgot, there is another reason why women get turned off to sex with their H's and it has to do with their H's love busting them. What are love busters? They are the negative habits that destroy romantic love, and they are:

1. Angry Outbursts - Who wants to live with a time bomb?

2. Selfish Demands - Who wants to live with a dictator?

3. Disrespectful Judgements - Who wants to live with a critic?

4. Dishonesty - Who wants to live with a liar?

5. Independent Behavior - Who wants to live with a selfish jerk?

6. Annoying Habits - Who wants to live with a leaky faucet?

Do you see any that you are guilty off? If you do then you may start to understand why love busters are poisonus to romantic love, and leave a woman vulnerable to an affair.

I highly recommend that you read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Love Busters' and 'His Needs Her Needs' for further insights and help to make your marriage a happy one for both of you.

TOOMuchCoffeeMan,

Thanks,

In my heart, I know my wife is faithful, but I have doubts sometimes. I think I tend to tie sex to everything as the barometer for her love. I have a healthy sex drive, and only want intamcy with my wife. But she lacks passion and drive for this. I will apply some of these priciples, but it is difficult because it leaves me feeling rejected, and I dont want to share, communicate, etc... I keep waiting for her to show me she desires me for more than a paycheck, and a handyman. I see she is probally feeling the same way about me.

Thanks,

Melman

Melman some guy here recently said that he conquered his resentment for his W not wanting sex as much as he did, while he was watching a football game (I'm not kidding). He said that when he saw sex as a touchdown, he realized that in order to get sex from his W, he had to plan and carryout the plays needed to achieve it. He's right and if you try to woo your W like you did when you were courting her, and avoid all love busters, the chances are that she will start seeing you in a different light and she's going to feel like a woman and not just a W and mother. So go and lay the groundwork and you just may be amazed at the results.

Has it occured to you that low thyroid and the hormonal havoc of having the gland removed could have an effect on libido? Find out! Ask what she knows about the topic; talk to her doctor. One of the things that drives me nuts about my H is that he takes no interest in finding out the effects of my medical condition or the meds I take.
I have a chronic autoimmune condition and did prednisone for years, which changes your body and really messes with your head. I was going through withdrawal from the pred (a steroid)when H started his A. Had he bothered to find out what I was going through and give me some understanding, our bond could have been strong enough to ward off the A.
Don't mean to vent, but there are many reasons for loss of interest, and whether medical or relationship oriented, most are fixable. Go find out what you can do to make it better!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> --DT

desparately trying - your piece on the pred. interested me, as my H went through the same thing. I (WW) beleived, and knew that it effected him, but I didn't really give it as much credit as it deserved. I know in hindsight, that he struggled badly in a lot of ways after he quit (for over a year). One of those was his sex drive - It has never been the same, and that was one factor that lead to my A.

Melman - dt has good advice about the medical condition. A good friend of mine had her thyroid removed, and it really changed a lot of things in her. Changing your bodies natural hormone production really messes with your sex drive. I also encourage talking to the doctors.

Felina

Hey Guys,

Thanks,

I see what Jesus meant now, when he said deny even yourself, and take up your cross and follow me daily. It's hard to focus on my wifes issues when I am absorbed omn myself and my own needs. I believe in my heart she is faithful, and she has given me no real reason to suspect otherwise, I just want to believe her lack of desire, and passion for me is caused by someone else filling the void. She screamed at me today when I asked for her to make love to me. She said all I want is Sex, Sex, Sex. All I care about is sex. That isnt true. I want Intimate, passionate, moments with my wife. I want us to be spontaneous, and to be lovers. We are young, and will not always have the ability to share on this level. I want to experience these things again. So for the last two and half years now I feel slighted. I got all this sexual energy welled up inside me, and I only want to share it with her. But she see's it as something bad, and that I am just obsessed with sex. Quiet the contrary. If it was just sex I would go elsewhere. I want my wife to want me. I will run a few option plays and maybe a quarterback sneak, and see what happens.


Thanks,
MelMan , Out

Melman, I feel for you right now, as I was in your situation for about a year before my A. I will tell you that you are floating in very dangerous territory yourself. When you say "I've got all this sexual energy welled up inside of me..." it concerns me. This is from personal experience - that unused energy is very dangerous, esp. with the fact that you don't seem to feel wanted in other ways by your W. I wish that I had found this web site when I was in your shoes now, and not a year later after my A. My recommendation to you, if you haven't yet is to do the EN (emotional needs) questionarre with your W. It would help you both see what each others EN's are. You could then work on meeting her most important EN's and possibly, she would understand that sexual fullfillment is one of your top needs and be willing to meet it as well. Also, get a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs". It sounds like right now, if you truly want to save this M, what you need to do is to prevent an A before it happens. That means on your part, too. I justified my A by saying that it was just good sex, and that was one of my top EN's and I wasn't getting it from H even after feeling like I was begging for it for a couple years. Beleive me, though, even an A for good sex turns into more than that, and you eventually have to get out of it. Better to not allow yourself to think that that road is an option.

Sorry for rambling - I just don't want you to fall into the same mistake that I did. Keep posting here. It will help keep you strong. Get some professional help for your M if you can. A good MC can do wonders to help you both understand what's going on. Also - thanks for the post - it makes me feel better that I am not the only one that had "sexual energy welled up inside..."

Good Luck with everything.
Felina