I just read this online...if only I can be stong enough to implement it.

Ending the Affair: Steps You Can Take
© Penny R. Tupy

Infidelity is a thoughtless, selfish, and cruel act. It is perhaps one of the most painful things we can go through as adults. And yet it is an incredible tribute to the resiliency of the human spirit that many can and do recover their marriages, going on to create a relationship that is loving, joyous, and fulfilling. So then the question is: How do we get from here to there?

The first step must be to end the affair and to guarantee that there is no future contact with the affair partner. This step cannot be overstated, overlooked, or skipped. Without ending the affair and a promise of no future contact the marriage cannot fully recover. Attempting to restore the marriage without ending the affair is like attempting to do calculus without knowing how to add and subtract; it’s not possible.

Most affairs burn out and die. An affair is not a relationship based in reality or founded on lasting characteristics such as honesty, integrity, or commitment. They are usually based on passion and fantasy and exist in deceit and secret betrayal. Sometimes the guilt gets to be too much to bear and the affair ends. Sometimes reality and the disapproval of friends, family, and colleagues intrude into the fantasy and the affair ends.

Betrayed husbands and wives can do quite a bit to hasten that process. But to do so they must be able to follow my cardinal rules concerning infidelity:
First rule of what to know when your spouse is having an affair: Your emotions and your instincts will lead you the wrong way 99.9% of the time. Don’t trust them.
Second rule of what to do when your spouse is having an affair: Ignore almost all of what they say they want from you, how they feel about what you are doing to fix the marriage and any talk about it "being over, get over it."
You cannot base decisions about what to do on either of those things. Neither is objective and both are destined to fail. Instead we put together a two pronged strategy based on intellect that simultaneously addresses problems within the marriage and suggests actions to end the affair.
Addressing Preexisting Problems in the Marriage
Let’s start with addressing problems in the marriage. When a husband or wife comes to me with the information that their mate is involved with someone outside the marriage one of the things I do is to help them identify issues that might have led to their spouse’s emotional disconnect. We talk about things they may have done or are doing that are painful for their spouse. I especially dig for signs of anger, control, and disrespect since these things are so destructive in intimate relationships. They can cause one partner to put up emotional walls to protect themselves. Those walls also make it easy to create a relationship outside the marriage.
Next we talk about the things that would make the partner happy in marriage and which might have been neglected. Conversation, affection, recreational time as a couple, and sex, are among the top needs, but it could also be the financial picture or a health issue, or something else.
With that information we can put together a detailed strategy to make changes in the marriage. Now let me say loud and clear that conflicts or neglect in marriage are never an excuse for infidelity. Although there are many reasons why men and women have affairs, there are no excuses. It is an unethical way to escape problems in the marriage and to seek happiness for oneself at the expense of the spouse, the marriage, and the family. Ferreting out this information and making changes is in no way meant to cast blame on the faithful partner. It is simply a strategy to entice the straying partner to end the affair and to commit to recovering the marriage.
Most betrayed spouses do this part so well. I can’t think of any I’ve known or worked with who won’t bend over backwards to rectify their part in the deterioration of the marriage. They throw their heart and soul into making themselves and the marriage better.
Being Proactive about Ending the Affair
It’s the second part of the strategy for ending affairs that I have trouble convincing people to do. And that is taking action to end the affair. That’s where the emotions and the instincts get in the way. It’s where fear intrudes, and where the desire to do anything to make the unfaithful spouse happy at all costs creates an atmosphere that is enabling. Because most understand that affairs eventually burn out, they erroneously believe that they must sit back and wait for that to happen. Not so!! They can and should take proactive steps to expose and end the affair. The sooner it ends the better it will be for the marriage.
Confronting
How and when to confront a wayward spouse is a question that looms large in the minds of all betrayed partners. And then there is the whole question of how much do you disclose in your confrontation. Being somewhat confrontational by nature, and having strong beliefs about the necessity of rigorous honesty, I did a little research on what some of the big name experts have to say on the subject. Most did not have the need for honesty in the marriage at the forefront of their suggestions, and not all were advocates of saving the marriage.
Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting, The Divorce Remedy, and The Sex Starved Marriage, has a few things on the topic in her book The Divorce Remedy. (She also has some great comments about divorce attorneys, but that’s a topic for another day…) Davis addresses the issue within the context of internet infidelity, and there she recommends that you do these things if you suspect your mate is involved in an internet or real life affair:
· Be honest and straightforward, remain calm
· Don’t bother gathering an enormous amount of evidence before confronting your spouse about their behavior, if you are concerned, it warrants taking action
· Use I statements and avoid blame
· Be specific about what is troubling you and why
· Own your feelings
(From The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis © 2001 published by Fireside pp.221-222)
She goes on to discuss reactions that you may encounter, and how to address different scenarios. Davis’ goal is to do everything possible to save the marriage and to restore love and trust. This is very much in keeping with my views on confronting and on being a strong advocate for saving marriages.
Shirley Glass in her new and very highly acclaimed book, Not Just Friends, has this to say:
She starts of by stating that “confronting is not the same thing as attacking,” that confronting is a meeting for clarification and that attacking is a “hostile offensive that involves accusations, criticisms, and abuse.”
Glass’ guidelines for before you confront:
· Know what you want to gain and be open with your partner about that goal.
· Don’t set truth traps – discover the truth directly rather than through ensnarement. She gives the example “If your child leaves a trail of cookie crumbs you shouldn’t ask, ‘Did you have a cookie today?’ Start out by saying, ‘I saw the cookie crumbs, tell me the truth about how many cookies you ate before dinner.’”
· Give yourself time to cool down and become calm
· Consider writing your thoughts first in order to gain clarity
Glass’ guidelines for the confrontation:
· Choose a time and place where you are unhurried and free from distractions
· Do not confront on the telephone
· Stick to the facts as you know them: What you know. What you saw. What you’ve been told. The contradictions between what your partner has told you and what you’ve discovered.
· Say how these lies and discrepancies make you feel.
(From Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, Ph.D. © 2003 published by Free Press pp. 77-79)
Putting all that together, here are my thoughts on confronting. I am so strong in my beliefs regarding the need to be honest in marriage that I believe only the fear of abuse should be reason to withhold information about how you feel, what you know, or in this case what you suspect. I think that honesty is so essential to the well-being of the marriage that fears of repercussions based on honest sharing are not grounds for withholding information -- with the exception stated above regarding the fear of abuse. So having said that, this is what I recommend.
As soon as you are uncomfortable with something your mate is doing, speak up! You don’t have to accuse your partner of anything, remember, honesty is about you. Say, “I’m uncomfortable (worried, afraid….) of the time you are spending at work or with such and such a person.” Speak up every time you feel uncomfortable or that information you have doesn’t match what you’re being told. Don’t let time (and an affair) drag on while you dig for hard evidence. It’s more important to do your best to stop a suspected affair by sharing what you know than it is to be able to prove you are right. You don’t even need to call it an affair, simply state that you are uncomfortable or offended by the relationship your spouse has with the other person. There’s no need to get caught up in arguing about what it’s called, the point is to express how you feel.
If your honest sharing of how you feel goes unaddressed, continue to dig for information and to share what you find and how you feel about it. Use the information elsewhere in this newsletter to address problems in the marriage and to work on enticing your partner to end the affair and to recommit to the marriage. Expose the affair as soon as you are reasonably certain your suspicions are correct.
Exposing
Affairs flourish in secrecy; if affair partners thought for a moment that their friends and family could see them or would find out, infidelity would be far less common! So one of the first things I suggest is that the faithful spouse tells. Tells who? Tells the spouse of the other party, tells their family members, tells their church leader, tells the boss if it is a workplace affair. Exposing an affair to the harsh light of day and to the scrutiny of friends and family will almost always hasten its demise. I encourage the faithful partner to contact the spouse of the lover. Not only is this a likely ally in working to end the affair, it is certain to cause repercussions for the betraying partners.
Exposing the affair creates conflict within the unfaithful relationship. The coupling that seemed to be so perfect, so wonderful, so special, suddenly takes on an air of sordidness. Dealing with the disapproval of friends and family can make the relationship seem less than the ideal fantasy it once appeared to be. Hurt feelings and arguments are likely to ensue within the affair relationship as each partner struggles with layers of conflict, guilt, embarrassment or even shame. Eventually the partners become less attractive to each other as the fantasy evaporates under the light of exposure.
In addition to telling, and perhaps more importantly, I encourage the faithful spouse to be honest with the mate about how s/he feels regarding the affair. It is essential that the straying partner hear loud and clear from their mate that the relationship they are having outside the marriage is painful in the extreme for their spouse. Honesty of this sort is difficult. I help men and women learn the skills to share their feelings honestly without being disrespectful or losing their temper in the process.
For men and women caught in the nightmare of a mate’s betrayal taking these steps to expose and to express how they feel can be, and almost always is, incredibly frightening. Husbands and wives doing all they can to persuade their erring partner to end the extra marital relationship and to commit to the marriage are terrified of doing anything that might upset the other person. It’s a natural fear, and one that must be overcome in order to do everything possible to end the affair. Remember, emotions and instincts will take you down the wrong path more often than not, when it comes to dealing with a spouse’s affair.
I tell husbands and wives to think of infidelity as an addiction, which indeed it is, and to keep that in mind when they are making choices about how to handle it. If their spouse was addicted to cocaine or heroin they would be willing to do whatever it takes to get them away from the source of the addiction and into recovery, regardless of how upset their addicted partner becomes. Ending an affair is much the same. The straying partner is addicted to the other person, and the only way to get to recovery is to end the relationship and ensure that contact never occurs in the future.
Yes, they will certainly become angry when necessary steps are taken to do just that. The waiting partner must look beyond the anger to see that it is triggered by the addiction and that the person they love and married is not able to think clearly or rationally. When the source of the addiction is removed and other steps for recovery are taken, eventually the fog will clear and the anger will dissipate over time.
Separating to Save the Marriage
Dealing with the infidelity of a spouse is emotionally draining and incredibly painful. The longer the affair continues the more wearing it is on the waiting spouse. Given enough time the betrayed partner will eventually lose all respect and all feelings of love for their mate. When that happens, the likelihood of reconciliation and of restoring the marriage is virtually nil.
To avoid getting to that place I recommend that the injured partner set a time limit for executing the above suggestions. If the affair has not ended and the spouse recommitted to the marriage in that time then I strongly encourage the faithful partner to separate from the marriage. I have a several reasons for doing so.
First is to safeguard whatever energy the faithful partner has for reconciling when the affair ends, and to maintain whatever feelings of love still remain. This is accomplished when there is no contact with the unfaithful spouse and the daily pain of witnessing the affair is no longer taking place.
Second, it sends a clear message to the wayward spouse that the affair is no longer going to be tolerated. Explicit in the way the separation is implemented is the message that the spouse wants the marriage to continue but only in a way that is beneficial for both of them. Separation under these terms returns a level of empowerment to the betrayed spouse who has probably been feeling very disempowered throughout this ordeal.
When the betrayed spouse sets this boundary affair couples are often thrown together even more than they were before. Although this may seem counter productive to ending the affair, with more time together it is likely the fantasy world of the affair will collapse and that reality will begin to set in. Issues that never came up in the past suddenly intrude. Things such as finances, child care, irritating habits, and even laundry can serve to destroy the illusion of the affair.
And finally the hope is that with the changes that the faithful partner has been making, eliminating hurtful behavior and learning skills to meet the partner’s needs, when the affair ends the spouse will be willing to consider returning to the marriage.
Separation is risky, and it is not to be undertaken lightly. But there comes a time when continuing to be available within the marriage and enduring the pain of the affair is counter productive. It becomes enabling. And it can become the final death knell of the marriage when the faithful partner experiences enough pain to completely destroy any willingness to reconcile after the affair.

That was a good article, Sally.

And it is so true, that affairs are like a fantasy because they are built around being secret; so they are romantic and exciting.And if others knew, it would take away the passion for sure as GUILT would be abundant and the FUN would be over!

The part that bothers me, is to think of never again talking with HIM.

10 years of intimate friendship is hard to just erase.
I can accept NEVER loving with HIM again but to NEVER talk or e-mail, I am sure not there yet!

He has a new love and will be marrying her this Spring. I am happy HE is no longer alone and has someone to spend his life with, since it can't be me...
He needs to give up my friendship also, so he can have an honest relationship with her, what a deal!
Love, Sarah <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I assmume HE (OM) still hasn't e-mailed you back...Are you tempted to call him a work or do you realize you just need to be patient?

NO Sarie, no email back. Last iHeard from him was last wednesday (8 days ago) where he said this:

The truth is I want to wait and decide because I dont wanna have to
give you up. I would like to keep you in my life......if I had to decide
now I would say I have to let you go for good. But if I wait and see how
things go, maybe I wont have to do that...I just dont know. It is all
so confusing for me......I just dont know how to handle it all. I also
do know how long I will need.....I would assume in the next two weeks or
so I should have an idea of what I need to do...but I dont know for
sure. Truth is I dont know ****......I feel very lost about the whole
thing.


Since then I emailed him the "ill do the breaking it off for you so you dont have to" letter, then the one yesterday.

No replies, whcih I am sure is the best for both of us. Im saddened though. TO me Isuppose it would ahve shown he cares about what I have been going through..so I guess I dont know if hes not responding for my own good (because he has commented more then once on how hward he knows it would be for me to not have him in his life) or if he just cant be bothered, realized I wasnt worth the effort.

He is off work today because of your Thanksgiving (Im canadian). Im not sure if you guys get Friday off too? If so, I guess he'd be back MOnday.

I am thinkin that I will never hear from him again...he was/is probabyl utterly amazed that I went this long without hearing from him and that I must be coping with it ok and that it would be best to not start me back at square 1--thats what I think he is doing.

I know he wants to end it...he wants his wife forever and often commented that they became too comfortable and he wanted to rekindle..re-connect. He deserves it, and so do I.

Im just still at the point where I imagine my life wihtout him for the rest of my life and I get very distraught.

I know NOTHING would have ever come out of the affair--we said that from day 1. Neither of us were interested in being without our spouses, we just were content with a freindship on the side. I never had false expectations, ever.

But to suddenly NOT have him want our friendship, that I never expected.

Hope you are doing well today Sarie,
Saly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The truth is I want to wait and decide because I dont wanna have to
give you up. I would like to keep you in my life......if I had to decide
now I would say I have to let you go for good. But if I wait and see how
things go, maybe I wont have to do that...I just dont know. It is all
so confusing for me......I just dont know how to handle it all. I also
do know how long I will need.....I would assume in the next two weeks or
so I should have an idea of what I need to do...but I dont know for
sure. Truth is I dont know ****......I feel very lost about the whole
thing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sally,
I'm not sure about this, but what your OM says here reminds me a lot of how I used to feel when I was trying to end EA with OM. We tried ending it so many times, but the emotional connection was so great (or should I say we were soooo addicted to each other) that I couldn't imagine not having OM in my life. And I knew that once it was over, it was over and there was no way we could remain friends, and that thought was too much for me to even fathom, so I would do the same thing... buy myself some time, give it a month or so to see how things went, when in my heart, I guess I always knew that I would never leave my husband, but I didn't want to give up OM either. I think that's what's going on with your OM also, he is afraid of losing you as friend and giving up the "feeling" he has when you are together, but he also knows that he will never leave his wife. I think no matter what...2 weeks, 2 months... whatever, he won't feel any different, he will still be confused and lost, but the bottom line is, he's probably not going to leave his wife.

And as far as him not contacting you, I would just believe that he was doing it out of respect for you, knowing that contact would just do more harm than good, to both of you. It's probably just as hard for him to work on his marriage when he has contact with you as it is for you. I often wonder if the OM go through the same type of withdrawal as we do. The OM in my life wasn't married so I often wondered if this whole thing was as hard on him as it was on me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Im just still at the point where I imagine my life wihtout him for the rest of my life and I get very distraught. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That one used to kill me too. I think that was the hardest thing for me to accept. At first, the thought of not being able to talk to him or see him ever again, literally made me panic, and I could barely even deal with it. That's probably why I continued contact for a while. It still saddens me deeply when I think of it, but I know that there is no other way. I know it's only been 3 weeks since my last contact, but it had been 6 weeks before that and it was like I knew the last time I talked to him that that was probably going to be the last time and I had pretty much accepted the fact that we couldn't be friends. It does get easier, but not easy. I know in my heart that NC is the key, and pray that I will be able to be strong and resist the temptation to call OM or see him.

Feelin Blue:

Ya know, it could very well be that his professed feelings of love and confusion are a big farce....if they were I KNOW It would make it a lot easier to let it go.

When I sit here and think of him feeling liek me, feelign the "need" to write but holding back, I get sad.

I want to know whats in his head.

YOu know, the odd thing about everything I post here about this A and everything I know is, that I DO know that if I have the OM i my life, I will have that fix, that euphoria, but I know nothing can ever come from it or be good, yet, I still want it.

Like I have said on more then one post, I have more hope of distancing myslef and keeping it that way since finding you guys.

S.

Sally


A couple of questions? Have you made your e-mail and cell phone passwords available to H so that can help keep you honest? Have you asked your H to read your posts on MB?

Remember the article you posted on exposure. You need exposure to help you move away from the affair. You are clinging to certain thoughts and feeling about the relationship just like a drug addict.

Suppose you were addicted to crack cocaine. When you smoke crack you feel great, no problems, and life feels good and you feel at peace with your actions. However, when you use crack you want to use more. To get the money you first begin to steal money from H at home and lie about it. Then you take money out of the checking account and tell big lies to H. Then you rob money from your kid’s savings that they have hidden in the bedrooms. When that plays out you begin to beg and borrow money from friends and relatives under the guise of buying things for the kids but instead you buy crack cocaine and get high.

After you have exhausted all sources of money from H, kids, family and friends, you turn to the streets. Guys have always been attracted to you so you make money real fast by giving BJ’s. Soon, you realize that you can make a lot more money as a hooker, so you begin to work as a prostitute. Pretty soon you are homeless, no H, no kids, no family, you are a prostitute working the streets so that you can get those “feeling back.”

Over time you begin to shoot up drugs. Soon you are diagnosed with HIV. You find yourself on the street sick and scared and dying with no place to go, no family for support, you are alone and desperate. So you begin to think. What could I have done to prevent all of this misery in my life? The answer is obvious – don’t use crack cocaine.

How does this apply to you and the affair? You are very close to killing all of the love your H and children have for you by you awful behavior. But instead of running away from affair as fast as you can, you sit around and brood over the affair and how you don’t have closure the way you want it to be. You are just like the cocaine addict. “If I could get one more fix, I am certain I would be able to kick the habit.” But, you know as well as I do that it doesn’t work that way. You must give up the ideas and feeling and thoughts about the affair and put all of your energies into restoring the love and trust of your family. Instead of putting off what you know to be the right thing to do you continue to brood and ask for more information. You know what to do! Get up and start loving your H and family and put all thoughts of OM and the affair behind you. Otherwise, you will be like the cocaine addict – alone and desperate.


Beau

No, I havent made that step yet Sonof.

I want to get there. I dont want to lose my husband.

I just dont know why I cnat finalize this.

Im scared of it.

S.

Sally

I want you to know (even though I try to be hard) that I understand your pain and confusion and hope you and your family are doing OK.

Beau

Sally

Hope I didn't scare you off!! I pray that you and your family are well. Please post your feelings and comments. I know that I argue hard for you to have no contact but I don't and will not judge you if you slip. Heck, we all slip up from time to time. I know your heart is in the right place.
So, please don't stop posting.

Beau

Hey Sally,

I want to post to you, but am feeling a bit sick today, so it's going to have to wait. One thing I can say is that it's clear you need to work through this. Maybe there are some things that can help you with this....if you want. The feelings for the addiction will get better - unfortunately, there is no magical cure....but maybe we can work on why you are so afraid to let go.....and why you are so afraid to jump in....

see you tomorrow

Dear Sally, we haven't heard from you for awhile, are you okay?

As you can see, a lot of us CARE very much about you!

What has been happening in your life?
Is the magic of wonderful ~~ TIME ~~ beginning to help to heal your broken heart?
Sincerely, JJ

Hey guys;

Well, I decided to take my hub and kids for a night away to see some Christmas lights....get my head away from the computer and the OM.


I really do appreciate all your posts and I do know that your aggressive posts are meant only in my best interests.

I have a plan....I am going to close my email account this Friday. I hope I can stick to this plan.

Im at work right now (the hardest times because this is when I would often email OM) so I will be around.

Thanks guys,
Sally.

Sally

Good to hear from you. Check out this link:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=025877

Beau

wonderful piece

you know, my husband is a remarkable human being and i dont think i ever realized how much until i told him about the A.

i feel strongly that this week i am going to be able to surrender ....close this chapter

please cross your fingers

S.

Sally,

I know you can do it.

When you've done it call your H right after your done, tell him. It will mean a lot to him.

You have the strength, and you'll have our prayers.

Time has really helped, surpsingly.

I really think I can do it, God I hope so.

I want to let go of this for good.