I thought I would start this as a new thread, Queen, with your message and my reply:

posted November 28, 2003 07:42AM

Yes, if we are to look at this in MB terms I am both the WS and OW.

Unfortunately, for you and many others, I don´t quite see it that black and white, because it isn´t.

My friend is just that. A friend. Yes, you can call him an EA and a PA, because he is both. And then again not. Well friendships - no matter what kind of friends you are, are always on an emotional level. People tell their friends, things they would not tell their spouses - sometimes thats what friends are for. O.K, you don´t have SF with your friends, that is to be understood.

Well my friendship with him is based on an emotional bond and a physical bond, because we both also need the physical bond. He has no SF with his wife because she cannot physically fulfill that need. SF is one of my top needs and it has not been met for a very long time. A bit selfish - well, yes.

Again, you might think my friend is a weird man, in a weird marriage, because his wife has full acceptance to him having a physical bond with other women. The freedom she has given him, has taken pressure off decisions to be made in their marriage on unmet needs. My friend loves his wife very deeply and will never do anything to hurt her and will even protect her from their own painful decision that this is how it is.

For them to come to that conclusion has nothing to do with me. My friend lived (and is still living) with his wife during her terminal illness for two years without SF, until they came to the conclusion they came to. I am not a threat to their marriage and he is no threat to mine (well, except for my WH, that has trouble coming to terms with me having a friend like him). The situation is a bit special, I have to admit, but thats how it is.

But again, in MB terms, yes I am the OW. I am not wanting more from my friend than the friendship and support we have to offer. Our friendship is not driven by destructive factors that you see when two people are totally in love. I have told him that he has no future with me on a traditional relationship level and he has actually told me the same.

Right now we just plain care about each other and have the understanding that should either of our situations change with our spouses - we will have to say goodbye to our friendship because we have been intimate. If I do divorce my WH and want to find a new love in my life, he knows that we also need to say goodbye to the physical intimacy we have and maybe just try to preserve the freindship, if we can do that. If not - its goodbye.

We see each other quite seldomly (but often enough to maintain our friendship). We write to each other when we need to vent, or would like advice from each other.

I know, Sarah, that you saw me as the WS, like yourself, (I have been following your posts). However the reasons and underlying factors behind why I am here in the situation I am in right now are VERY different to yours.

I am letting go of my marriage. Do I have feelings for my husband. Yes. But do I want to continue with him like I have done for the past year with him continuing all the destructive, inconsistent and confusing behaviour with him running all over the place with his OW, who is now divorced from her own H because of this?

No.

I have come to terms with the fact that there may be nothing to save. Why? Because I don´t think my WH loves me enough. I have the feeling that he only loves himself. Maybe me having a friend and him "perceiving it as really losing me" might wake him up? (My friend and I have talked honestly and openly about this too, that this is kind of my WH last chance to show his true colours...)

But what if he doesn´t wake up? What if he doesn´t stop and say to me, queen - "I don´t want you to do this. Please stop this friendship, I will stop my affair and lets try to figure this out".

Well them I have my answer, do I not?

-Queen-

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Me: 33yrs WS: 34yrs
Married 4yrs, together 8yrs
Children: 10, 5 and 2

Have been on MB since March 2003. Plan A:d for almost 6 months with success (WH fell in love with me again) but am now in Plan B and have filed for seperation because I found out his last affair was not a one time thing but that he has had multiple affairs for many years - actually our entire marriage.

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Dear Queen.
You are doing what people have been doing since affairs first began: Justifying it that your situation is unique.

Believe me, I know, because that is what I have done! I love this other fellow with a deep caring love so I felt if my husband never found out, this dear OM and I could share this wonderful love and friendship and no one would ever be hurt.

You see, when we are in the throes of passion, we are in a big FOG and our reasoning is not normal.

That is why I have told others here on the site (that just don't understand how this could happen to a Christian woman, kind and loving wife and mother) that IT CAN HAPPEN.

No one is immune! That is why we can NEVER SAY NEVER because you just don't know what or who may be in your future that will make you go gaa gaa and lost your lifetime of moral values over this person!

Love, Sarah....
(It still seems very WRONG for you to be having this affair with a married man and you being married yourself; but you just evidently cannot see that.) I have written before that it is like we are driven, would you agree with that?

Sarah

Driven NO! Your H was not meeting your emotional needs. You CHOSE to have those needs met by someone other than your H. You never told him about these needs and gave him a change to try and met your needs. Instead you chose for him and you and had a 10-year affair.

You have no right as a married woman to make the choices you made. The choices are not morally, spiritually, emotional or legally right. You persist to try and justify conduct that is reprehensible. How would you feel if your H told you about his 10-year affair with OW? You would be heartbroken and possibly toss him out. The real reason you don’t tell H is that you are afraid of his reaction. And, so you continue to lie and justify.

Beau

QOBH I wholeheartedly agree with Sarie's post.

Queen here's some questions I would like for you to ponder:

Do you have undeniable proof that the OM's W truly agreed to him having sex with other women?

Do you have undeniable proof that she is terminally ill?

Unless your answer is an unequivocal and resounding yes, then I would seriously consider that you may have been lied to. If that is the case, then you may be doing the SAME thing to the OM's W that your WH's OW is doing to you, destroying a marriage.

Are you sure that he is not having sex with other women as well and thereby jeopardizing your health and life?

As with the previous questions, unless you have positive proof that he is telling you the truth you may be playing Russian roulette with your life.

Are you sure that the sex you have with your OM won't lead you to fall in love with him?

Most affairs start as innocent friendships and without sex. Sex between a man and a woman is the MOST intimate of all physical acts and it seldom is 'just physical' because it's power eventually affect the lover's emotions. Every time you have sex with this man, your emotional investment in him grows and it may one day grow to deep love. I wouldn't doubt that this is exactly what has happened but you have not yet admitted to yourself.

If you have no hope left that your WH is going to end his affair and express a willingness to rebuild the marriage, why don't YOU file for divorce once and for all?

<small>[ November 28, 2003, 09:48 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Beau could you please give us your view on Queen of a broken heart's affair with a married man?

Queen

What you are doing with the OM is wrong. You said, that the two of you were friends. Then you say “OK, you don’t have SF with your friends, that is to be understood.” Then you say that “yes, you can call him an EA and a PA because he is both” and that my friendship with him is “based on an emotional and a physical bond because, we both need the physical bond.”

I have worked in respiratory medicine for 40 years and have seen thousands of terminal patients die and have worked with their families to help make the passing of their loved on easier. I have never heard such an outrageous lie as you and the OM are telling. I know of no caring H that has ever betrayed his terminal wife.

I have worked with H’s for years before their wife passed and not a single man ever thought about cheating on his wife. Why, because they loved their wife and to betray that trust was unthinkable.

What you and OM are doing is outrageous and is a betrayal of the trust of a dying woman. Don’t even attempt to explain about this “acceptance to him having a physical bond with another woman.” I don’t buy that for one second.

You and OM are two of the most selfish people that I have encountered. You are only interested in your own pleasure. You have no feeling for anyone other than yourself. It is no wonder that you and H are having marriage problems.

You can tell your pack of lies to someone else to get support because you will not get it from me!

Beau

Queen,
If your friendship with the OM is soooo 'open' then how do you know if the OM doesn't have more 'friends like U'? U think U R a special friend? That may be a 1st. Then maybe you might be interested in some lava land.

Get real missy, U will only be that special friend until you become dull and another more enticing friend comes along.

Whether or not his W approves or not is not your issue. Your issue is what you are doing to your M. You think that it is ok for the W to allow her H to have special friends? Then by all means give his phone # to the TOW board and you will see how many more special friends are out there just waiting to 'share'.

U C your theory doesn't hold water in the real world.
But it makes a great fantasy!! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

L.