I really want to thank all of you again that have helped me here. My latest question -

I feel that H and I are definitely on the right track to success. He, especially, is really putting forth the effort to draw me back in. He is trying to be the man I dated. This, in turn, is opening me back up to letting him emotionally back into my life. We have spent some very good times together the past couple days. When I go to bed at night, I feel good about my M, and that it will eventually flourish and be full of love again.

The problem is that once I fall asleep, I constantly dream of OM. Not the sex anymore, but the deeper emotional side of the relationship that we shared and the strong friendship that we shared before it turned into an A. Honestly, at this point, that is the part I miss most about the OM (which surprises me - I thought it would be the PA) When I wake up in the morning, I am very sad - not so much deeply depressed like a few days ago, but just very sad. It takes a couple hours to quietly get over this (reading on here helps the most.) Is this just part of the withdrawal? Will it lessen with time? Or will it always be there in the back of my mind to constantly surface?

Also, I started taking St John's Wort. It seems to really be helping to take the edge off all the intense feelings and the depression. Thanks to those that suggested that I needed meds. Hopefully these will do the trick, and I won't have to take perscription meds. (I would if I needed them)- I just know too many in my family that have had bad side effects to persc. AD.

Felina

Some people will tell you that given time, it will go away. It is not the how long the time lapses but what what you do with the time you have. It will never go away if you let it and feeding it. Explore the specific ENs that vacated by OM, I would let H be more skillful in filling your top ENs, top 5. Tell him the specific on how best to meet it. Also get yourself busy by learning ho to meet his and best to meet it in detail.

Take AD unless your doctor advice not to.

-rh-

Felina,
I don't know your story, but first of all I'm so happy that your husband is willing to work on your marriage and it sounds like he's forgiven you.

Many of us former WSs don't have that forgiveness or willingness from our partners to forgive us, and heal the marriage. I'm happy for you.

My divorce was final right after I ended the A. (A lasted four years, beginning EA long distance/internet, moving to PA after six months-long distance intermittent meetings, and finally ExOM moved local into his own apt. the last year of our A. ExH and I separated a year before exOm moved here.) It now all seems like a bad dream, and I'm only telling you the timeline so you can see my perspective.

The dreams about OM will stop in time. I haven't had a dream about exOm in a long, long time. You know, I think because I got to know him so well, any illusions of romantic perfection and 'soulmate' dreams were shattered for a long time before I had the courage to end the A. In fact, since I ended it, I've never had one complimentary dream about him. Now I see who he really is: a man who enjoyed the power of separating me from the man I'd been with for 18 years, as well as alienating from my extended family for a time, and from my dear long term friendships. I see him as evil and manipulative.

You've truly been blessed--your husband is still with you. Do you realize that it's a true, fantastic blessing? When you begin to think of OM during the day, simply tell yourself, "NO!", and move on. Since you say you feel down in the mornings, make it a point to get moving on some projects fast in the morning.

One more thing, and this comes from the perspective of someone who's wanted a chance with her exH for a long time, to no avail. I've asked exH to 'work on our marriage' since right after DDay, which was almost three years ago. Dwell on the giving, kind aspects of your husband. Focus on his gift of understanding, and on his gift of forgiveness to you. When you think of your ExOM, think of the pain he caused you, and how he tried to ruin your marriage, and your life in many ways. Then go back to thinking of your husband, and focus all your affection and love on him.

I'm alone now, and haven't been close to any man at all for almost 18 months. (and at the end of the A, I wasn't 'close' to exOM, in fact) It's ironic, I was lonely when I started the A in large part due to my exH's awful work hours and our non-correspoinding days off.(not blaming him, just saying how it was) Now I'm truly all alone, and having to learn to live with it. I wonder to myself about the future, and how I'll ever trust myself again to love someone else after being such an idiot with exOM. I share that to remind you of the blessing you have, in having a man who loves and forgives you. Focus on that, and the dreams of OM will end. You see, Felina, I could be wrong in saying this, but you never hit rock bottom in this. Your husband is with you still. If you had experienced the pain of being ALL ALONE, and lonelier than ever in your life...I guarantee you wouldn't be dreaming of one of the sources of that deep pain.

Hope this helps,
HP

HP, Thanks for your advice. I have often thought how fortunate I am that my H totally forgives me and wants to work on the M. I was shocked at first. When I started my A, I wanted so bad to be single so I could do whatever I wanted. I had actually hoped that if my H ever found out, he would just kick me out and be done with it. He did just the opposite - he forgave me right away, and tried to figure out how to be a better H. At first, I was really mad at his response. Then I found this web site. I know realize how lucky I am with him. Although, I don't think I will ever experience the feeling of true freedom, and doing whatever I want, whenever I want, that I craved so much, I realize that what I do have will, in the long run, be so much more fullfilling than a lonely life being single. I am still working on being less selfish and enjoying being a nice family. I agree that I never hit rock bottom, and am very glad for that. There were about 2 days that we discussed divorce, mostly because of me - and the prospect of splitting up the kids, and that I would have to work and support myself and two children and give up the lifestyle that I am used to just didn't make sense. Things are slowly getting better - and I started getting out in the mornings (I go down to the barn and horses like I used to) and it makes things a lot better.

Thanks, Felina

Felina, your story is very similar to mine.......I don't know how long ago your affair ended......it has been 8 months for me.......But like you my husband forgive me almost immediately. I have posted here that maybe part of my recovery is due to the fact that I don't feel I was punished enough.......I too think of the OM a lot.......it hasn't helped that i've run into him twice, by accident in the last month......I know after reading here that it will pass......it just makes it hard to get on with my life with my H......I'm here to chat if you want to......Just keep reading here it does help...... a lot of wise people here.
hang in there
Cleogirl

Cleogirl, my A only ended 2 weeks ago - it actually seems a lot longer than that. My H actually acts as if nothing happened. In a way, it concerns me, because he is so complacent about everything. He is changing certain things that lead to us drifting apart, but he really doesn't like to talk about difficult issues. He'd rather just change things with out talking, and be done with it. The other issue that I am dealing with is that in a way, I don't regret the A. I guess it didn't do as much damage as some of the other A's on this site. I feel bad that I did it, and I know that it was wrong, and I wouldn't do it again, but the whole thing was such a rush that I don't yet regret it. Is that horrible. Should I be wracked in anquish because I did such a horrible thing. I think that's part of why I have the dreams - because I don't yet regret it. They are getting less, and I am slowly opening my heart back up to my H, but it is hard. My H and I have always had a decent relationship, but it definitely lacks the firey passion that the A had. I know that's typical, but it's hard to accept that I may never again know that fire. I loved that feeling, and I know that it wouldn't have lasted forever. I think that it's doing something that's forbidden and wrong, and getting away with it that makes it so exciting. Does anyone else agree with that. How do I get that excitement and still stay in the boundaries and rules of being married? My H is a great guy, and wants to do fun stuff with me, but in general, at home, he reminds me of Ward Cleaver (from Leave It to Beaver.) I guess I need to find out how to spice up our relationship so I stay happy. Any comments are welcome. (I know I was kind of rambley, but that's the mood I'm in right now)

Felina

Hello Felina......How long did your affair last? I think I would be concerned about your husband not reacting to your A. It will come out at sometime.......my husband and I went to counceling.......it at least helped me communicate with him and it helped him let out is anger....My husband had his moments, which I believe he needed to have......but he has forgiven me. I too loved the affair......the OM and I were friends first for about 3 months.....we got along really well......enjoyed a lot of the same things........I guess what is so hard for me right now is missing the friendship that I had with him........wish I could still just be his friend.......but I know I can't......Our affair lasted 8 months......he has since divorced.....I think he is happier now......wasn't in a good marriage......I don't think I will every stop thinking about him......I live in a small town and have already run into him a couple of times......very hard for both of us...... My husband and I are trying to bring passion and romance back into our marriage.....but nothing will ever compare to the emotions and passions of an affair.......unfortunately......I guess you have to ask yourself "will you be content for the rest of your life with your partner". That's the big question.......
I know in time our feelings towards the OM's will lessen.......just have to hang in there.....and be happy with your decision......did you tell your husband about your affair or did he find out some other way.......
chat at me
cleogirl......

Felina

As a FWS I can totally relate to the dreams about the OM. They make me extremely sad too. It's been over 2months since NC and I probably have 3 or 4 nights a week where he is in my dreams. And, like you, its not the PA, but the EA that still haunts me. I can never go back to a friendship with him. He doesn't seem to understand that. I guess that's the difference in the level of feelings that we shared for each other. I think only when there is absolutely no feelings left can you be friends. I've seen divorced couples able to be friends. My feelings are still too raw and sensitive to even think about a friendship. I have had a very down day today. I can't seem to get beyond the "used and dirty" feeling that I have because OM would never admit to anything other than having "special" feelings for me. I don't understand where this hang up is coming from. One of my close friends said that it's normal because I'm a woman. She says that men can have an intimate relationship with a woman and not feel anything other than affection for them. I guess that must be true.
I just want to be myself again. I'm so tired of feeling sad and withdrawn from everyone close to me. If I could only go back a year...There are so many if's. I am blessed like you to have a husband that loves me unconditionally and I hate myself for holding on to these feelings for someone who used me in every way!!

Felina,

I thought I would respond to your post. You asked many questions. Some will be answered as you move past the A, which is only just ended. Your feelings are normal but what I wanted to address is your thought processes, and actually even those of Cleo, who I have posted to before. So let me start by quoting some of your questions and comments and then discuss them with you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have often thought how fortunate I am that my H totally forgives me and wants to work on the M. I was shocked at first. When I started my A, I wanted so bad to be single so I could do whatever I wanted. I had actually hoped that if my H ever found out, he would just kick me out and be done with it. He did just the opposite - he forgave me right away, and tried to figure out how to be a better H. At first, I was really mad at his response. Then I found this web site. I know realize how lucky I am with him. Although, I don't think I will ever experience the feeling of true freedom, and doing whatever I want, whenever I want, that I craved so much, I realize that what I do have will, in the long run, be so much more fulfilling than a lonely life being single. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Felina, unless you are independently wealthy, you will NEVER have the kind of freedom you seem to dream about. I married when I was older than you. At that time I made much more money than I had time to spend (I guess that is one definition of wealth), but I still married. Why? Because life is not about doing what you want all of the time OR never answering to anyone. Life is about YOUR contribution to it, and shopping, partying, riding horse is NOT much of a contribution. You children and how they grow up and what they become is certainly a contribution.

Your feelings are ones of adolescence. I am not putting you down, but you have not grown up yet. You I hope will be a late bloomer, that matures and learns to appreciate what life has handed you and learns to give back some of what you have been given.

Cleo said
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But like you my husband forgive me almost immediately. I have posted here that maybe part of my recovery is due to the fact that I don't feel I was punished enough.......I too think of the OM a lot.......it hasn't helped that i've run into him twice, by accident in the last month......I know after reading here that it will pass......it just makes it hard to get on with my life with my H </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here is a case of not appreciating what you have. I realize Cleo is giving you her honest feelings, but what is driving her feelings of not being punished enough is her guilt, NOT the great presence of OM. What she is also illustrating is why Harley counsels NO CONTACT. It hurts all involved. What Cleo needs to see and so do you, is that you two have indeed hurt your H’s in ways you cannot see or fathom. Being men they are not really allowed to voice their pain or show weakness, especially when they are trying to show you the strength of their love for you. But, the pain is there, the disappointment is there, the fear is there, the loss of self-esteem is there. The problem right now is that you seem to see them as immune to the pain, and just focus on yourselves and your fantasy OM.

Felina, you are just coming out of the affair. If you do anything try to see your H as a human being, not a father figure that can withstand anything. He is NOT your father, he is your husband, and your lover, and he loves you deeply. Please think about that. What you see on the outside is NOT what is going on on the inside. Us guys are trained from birth to hide our feelings and our pain. It is there, Felina, don’t worry you hurt him, and your hurt him badly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My H actually acts as if nothing happened. In a way, it concerns me, because he is so complacent about everything. He is changing certain things that lead to us drifting apart, but he really doesn't like to talk about difficult issues. He'd rather just change things with out talking, and be done with it. The other issue that I am dealing with is that in a way, I don't regret the A. I guess it didn't do as much damage as some of the other A's on this site. I feel bad that I did it, and I know that it was wrong, and I wouldn't do it again, but the whole thing was such a rush that I don't yet regret it. Is that horrible. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I addressed this in the earlier paragraph. But, you must recall or realize that men deal with things by ACTIONS not words. Women like to talk about things, poke at them in conversation, push them into different shapes, and worry them for awhile. Men prefer to address the problem as they see it, decide on a solution, and then SOLVE IT BY ACTIONS. Your H is doing what most men would do, no matter their ages. Please recognize this about your H and accept that he is willing to try and solve it.

As for the damage, why don’t you ask him how he is feeling. Not in a way, that “fine” is the easy answer. Ask him the hard way. Ask him if he really trust you. Ask him if he worries about you. Ask him if he has lost sleep thinking about these things. Ask him to be HONEST with you. Then ask him these questions again. Ask him if his heart aches for what he has lost. Then ask him what he feels he has lost by what you did.

Women want answers from men, but they rarely ask the questions the right way. Men HATE to talk about feelings and their pain, so if they are asked “how are you doing?” The answer will be “fine”. Even if an appendage is about to fall off. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> We are are built that way. So if you want information, tell him you want HONEST answers from him, and then ask detailed questions. You will find that while your H is a forgiving soul, damage has been done. Now he may have expected that you might do something like this. I doubt it has escaped his notice that you are a very spoiled and immature woman for your age. Further, he is acutely aware of the age difference and of his failings. You have made him an OLD man before his time by what you have done. Oh yes, you did damage don’t worry about that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My H and I have always had a decent relationship, but it definitely lacks the firey passion that the A had. I know that's typical, but it's hard to accept that I may never again know that fire. I loved that feeling, and I know that it wouldn't have lasted forever. I think that it's doing something that's forbidden and wrong, and getting away with it that makes it so exciting. Does anyone else agree with that. How do I get that excitement and still stay in the boundaries and rules of being married? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my experience no marriage maintains that fiery passion. If you are a faithful spouse you will experience it ONCE in your life time. You already have experienced it. But, it was born out of deceit, lies, and at a great cost to your H. What you will get if you work on your marriage is a deep appreciation of how much your H does love you. You will get comfort when you are hurt (if you ask, he is NOT a mindreader), you will get stability, your children will grow and mature and become wonderful adults, you will share a life and many great moments, and you will build a huge library of scenes, feelings, and sensations throughout your life. I realize that right now none of those things seem important to you compared to the high of the affair, but even if you left with OM, you would get reality, probably a lot of struggle, and very very likely you would get betrayal. Your children would be harmed.

Excitement can be maintain however,IF you really learn about your H. IF you learn to enjoy seeing him smile, or laugh. If you begin to see him as a human being doing his best to make your life as good as he can. You need to change perspective and see him for who he is: a man that loves you deeply. This won’t happen over night, but it can happen. You just need to start to see the good in him, and then you will learn to see the “better” in him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My H is a great guy, and wants to do fun stuff with me, but in general, at home, he reminds me of Ward Cleaver (from Leave It to Beaver.) I guess I need to find out how to spice up our relationship so I stay happy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So you stay happy??? Here is where perspective comes into play. Let’s see a show of hands here of woman that would like to be married to Ward, his money, his stability, his love of his W, his care of his children, and his faithfulness. Yup, just what I thought, it looks like a forest out there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You don’t know it yet, but you will come to see your Ward Cleaver as a special man. But if you want to be happy, then make him happy. As your focus swings from you to him, what you will find is that he will focus even more on making you happy. You may think being married to the local “bad boy” will be fun, but only for a very short while. When you have to work to support him, his habits, his hobbies, and your children as well, the “bad boy” image starts to tarnish. So think carefully about what you wish for, but I can assure you that as your perspective changes and you start to focus on making him happy, your H will change. He has NEVER had a woman do that, or he would NOT have married you. I think I can say that with certainty.

Cleo said a few more things I thought I would address to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My husband had his moments, which I believe he needed to have......but he has forgiven me. I too loved the affair......the OM and I were friends first for about 3 months.....we got along really well......enjoyed a lot of the same things........I guess what is so hard for me right now is missing the friendship that I had with him........wish I could still just be his friend.......but I know I can't......Our affair lasted 8 months......he has since divorced.....I think he is happier now......wasn't in a good marriage......I don't think I will every stop thinking about him......I live in a small town and have already run into him a couple of times......very hard for both of us...... My husband and I are trying to bring passion and romance back into our marriage.....but nothing will ever compare to the emotions and passions of an affair.......unfortunately...... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Now being a guy, this romance thing sort of leaves me out in the cold. But let’s envision a love. It is a deep love, but a silent one. It is a love that is shown by actions and support but NOT deep romantic actions. Yet, when the marriage is put to the test, this love is strong enough to endure the pain, the rejection, the humiliation. It not only shows up, it is profound and steadfast. Now is that romantic?? I don’t know. But, I do know this, it is what you and Cleo have. Do you think your OM would have forgiven you if you had done to them what you did to your H’s?? I doubt it.

Heck, they had no problems messing with someone else’s marriage, why would they fight for theirs. In Cleo’s case she knows the OM would walk. He did on his W. In your case you know your OM would walk as well. So while you have said that ‘nothing will ever compare to the emotions and passions of an affair’, I would like to suggest that is because you two failed to see that nothing would compare to the love your H’s had/have for you. You both are lucky you are not out on the street.

Further, Cleo, your H could be your friend and fulfill what you need. But, you have to let him in, you may have to show him how, you may have to take into account he is human. But, he can be your closest and best friend. He should be.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess you have to ask yourself "will you be content for the rest of your life with your partner". That's the big question....... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup, that is the big question. Steadfast love, or some quick roles in the hay and then off to the next affair. You do have choices, but remember so do your H’s, and what you two have NOT figured out yet, is that they can and probably will walk if you two don’t figure out what is important in your lives. You may not realize this, but this site gives you a distorted view of the damage and reactions for many betrayed spouses. They simply leave, and in revenge do all they can to damage the betrayer. You two have NOT figured out what love really is yet. If you ever do, then I think you will find that the “passion” of the affair is nothing compared to what you two have at home.

You don’t have to take my word for it, just keep going and you will find out. How do I know?? Well, ladies I had many “passionate”, “romantic” relationships before I married. Traveled to exotic places, did “romantic” things, but it wears off, and then you look at this person and you ask:” is this a person I could really live with?” and the answer was NO tens of times in my case. I finally found the “right” one, and wouldn’t you know it, she is NOT romantic, nor is she passionate, but she is the right one for me. Has been for almost 28 years.

So please think about these things. I know Felina, and even you Cleo have a lot to discover yet about yourselves and your H’s. I know in Felina’s case she is still in the fog, and withdrawal. I know Cleo is still in withdrawal. But, if you can see your H’s for who they are and what they have given you, I think many of your questions will be answered in the positive, and YOU will begin to live the marriage you always wanted.

God Bless,

JL

Felina,
I'm glad you read my words. I really think JL said it far better, as he always does!

Part of the reason I don't come here as much is that it pains me so to see the forgiving BSs, and then have to remember that my husband hasn't missed me or wanted our marriage. I dislike not having him in my life, he was my rock for years. It truly saddens me beyond what you, as a WS who has forgiveness, will ever have to experience.

JL said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You both are lucky you are not out on the street.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is so right. The 'romance' of the A I had (and we had a lot of 'fun' in the beginning, and I thought it was the romance of the century) is now just a pitiful memory of two fools who stumbled upon each other and played off each other's problems.

I miss my Ward Cleaver, my exH. He was more of a "man" than exOM ever was, although ExOM was a 'world traveller' and full of fancy talk, etc. Full of baloney, to say the least. On the other hand, ExH was ALWAYS there for me, before I messed up.

I repeat again--be glad you're forgiven. As one more example-- You don't want to end up as me, spending another Christmas Eve alone while your children spend time with their father. (extended family too far to be with in the evening) Or end up as my exH, who spent Thanksgiving evening all alone as the children were with me and my family. Isn't that sad? It's a reality I'd NEVER thought would exist in my life.

Nonetheless, this is my reality. Be glad you have your life still.

God bless,
HP

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Felina:

"My H and I have always had a decent relationship, but it definitely lacks the firey passion that the A had. I know that's typical, but it's hard to accept that I may never again know that fire. I loved that feeling, and I know that it wouldn't have lasted forever. I think that it's doing something that's forbidden and wrong, and getting away with it that makes it so exciting. Does anyone else agree with that. How do I get that excitement and still stay in the boundaries and rules of being married?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One way to help you two reconnect as a couple is for you to follow The Rule Of Time . Sadly when kids arrive on the scene, both spouses put their relationship as last on their list of important things in their lives. They stop being lovers and become glorified babysitters and wage slaves to their expensive lifestyles. Is it any wonder the lure that a lover has for one spouse in an affair? Make it the highest priority on your list to invest the minimum 15 hours a week of time alone with each another (lovers don't take their children with them).

JL, HP, Cleo and TMCM - You all had so much good stuff to say. I will have to read it again. Beleive me, I am becoming stronger every day, and my relationship with my H gets closer each day. We are both really working on our EN's and not LBing. Let me tell you, it's amazing how fast you can turn around with just that. My yearning for the OM grows less with each day - thanks tremendously to all of you that have written to me!!!

Just to set the record straight to all those that point out how immature I am for my age (30) - I will agree that I am right now, but here's my reasoning - (not saying it's right or wrong - just how it happened) I basically had no childhood, my Mom was a strict disciplinarian, wasn't allowed to have friends, play, etc., my parents were divorced and both remarried when I was young, moved to my Dad's house at 16, where his wife decided he could love me or her, but not both. Met first husband at 18 when I moved out of Dad's house - had no parents out of 4 that cared about me at the time. Got married at 19 into a very controlling extremely religious family - been turned off to religion ever since. I was extremely mature for my age at the time - often got mistaken for upper 20's when I was 19. Had proffessional jobs, got some college degrees..... Got divorced at 25, married my current H at 26. It was a fairy tale romance. Things were "perfect" until we had second child - then I cracked. Too many businesses together, too much stress, raising two young kids, probably some mild post partum depression, no time with H. Then came along OM - single, foot loose and fancy free..... I came to a point when I said F*** the responsibility. I just want to play - I've had it!!!! So I essentially went backwards. Finally had first situation in my life where I could do whatever I wanted, and I took it, and abused it.

So now I am trying to be 30 again, and not an adolescent. Hopefully that will help explain to those who have judged me (like I said - it's true, not excusing my actions, just trying to help you understand.)

Cleo - my A really started as an EA for almost a year, and if I had run into this web site back then, maybe I would have been wise enough to end it. Foolishly, though, I thought no harm would come of it. I cared for him like my best girlfriend with a little extra flirting. Had no idea it would materialize into what it did. My H found out b/c I left a hotel receipt in the car. He had been worried all summer that something bad would happen between me and OM - thought it was foolish to ask a single guy friend to move onto the property and then work with me all day on projects while he was at work. He admits, he should have listened to his intuition, but he was greedy to have the friend do the projects he was doing for cheap. The PA was 2 months - thank God my H found out when he did - I understand that the longer it goes on, the harder it is to get out.

Today, I have been thinking the clearest that I have in about a year. Even though I miss OM, it feels so good to be coming out of the fog and seeing how really fortunate I am. When I start thinking of what I think I am missing with OM, I keep reminding myself of all of your advise. And I bring myself back down to reality. Really though, I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for all of you. I underestimated what a strong support group could do when you really need one. I also find that all of my friends, who now know because I told them, are incredibly supportive in helping me fix my M and keep going forward. (amazingly, they all knew anyway - it's amazing how gossip spreads around like wildfire!!)

OK -enough of my rambling - it's because I'm in a pretty good mood tonight about things. I'll probably write more later when I reread all the stuff up there. Again, thanks for all your wisdom!!!!!!

Felina

Felina,

Just a comment or two. First, we do NOT judge you. We assess what we see or hear and with those assessments make comments we think will help, even if they are not as friendly as you would like. I say this because the ONE thing I hope you don't become is DEFENSIVE.

I know sometimes you will feel like the people here are attacking you, but mostly they are expressing strong feelings about your situation, NOT YOU.

Given you past history, I think more than anything you should reflect on what you want your children to have for a family. You have a wealth of knowledge, use it. That is what I meant by immaturity. I do suspect that if anything will mature you going through this, will do it.

So I do hope you find our responses to you useful, particularly in changing your perspective about marriage, your H, yourself, and your future. I think you have a good one ahead of you and I think you will realize this as well, as you come out of the fog, and work on your marriage.

God Bless,

JL

Thankyou JL, last night after reading all the stuff on this post (there was a lot of it - still have to reread to degest it all) and responding, I had the best conversation with H. It was actually a heartfelt 2 hour conversation about all of this stuff. He told me about his fears, worries and the hopes for the future. I also told him a lot of stuff that I was learning from this web site. He sounded pretty impressed. He said he still worries that all of this time I've been spending on the computer might still be partly with OM, as I used to do that a lot. H is not the most internet savvy, so it was easy to get away with it without him knowing what was going on. I assured him that I have not written anything to OM since NC, and that OM has not even tried to contact me. I told him that if he stands over my shoulder, he is free to read anything that I am typing. In the worst of the A, I banned him from reading what I was typing - said it was personal, and he had no right to be reading it. I think that made him the happiest - kind of allayed some of his fears that I was typing way to OM. At the end of the talk, he actually held my hand and said that some of what I said was the most touching things he had heard for a long time, and thanked me for sharing my heart with him. Said he was getting pretty depressed thinking about the uphill battle to win my love back. That made me feel real good.

About my children, and giving them the example that I didn't have. I have been thinking about that a lot lately. The other factor in my childhood was that my parents had an open relationship - my mom had 3 different partners, that were often a part of family things along with my step-dad. I rationalized that they made it work, so I should be able to also. What I failed to see was how lopsided the rest of their relationship was.

I have noticed that in the past week, since I've been more into focusing on my H and the family,.... my 3 year old boy has been a ton more loving, nicer, no more temper tantrums.... I didn't realize how negatively I was effecting him. He was turning into a whiney, clingy, mean monster for about a month. I've learned a ton just from seeing the changes in him.

I will keep listening, learning and changing. I will keep posting. And to the top of your post JL, I did get a bit defensive for a minute - not enough to last. I realize what you guys are saying is true. I was just trying to give you a bit of understanding as to where I've been.

Thanks, Felina