Plan B seems to suit WAH just fine. He and OW are cozier than ever, while I’m crying over the Christmas decorations and try to help our very sad D. If someone had told me last year that I'd be facing another holiday season in so much pain, I wouldn't have thought it possible. I'm so worn out, sad, angry, hurt, all those feelings we all know so well. I’m keeping busy and to the world I’m sure it looks like I’m moving on but I don’t feel like I am. The pain is so intense and the season’s festivities just add to it.

You know that hope we have that if you could just talk to him, you could make him see what’s really going on here? I know it’s futile and I know it’s not the way to go but I’m fighting the urge to confront and get this over with one way or the other, just have it out, say all those angry things I’ve mostly stuffed. Of course, I’d have to gag him first because I can’t listen to anymore of his hateful, defensive garbage.

I quit trying to talk to him about our D’s welfare and the struggle she’s having with him and OW because he just turns it around on me. D won’t talk to him about it and confides in me, asking me not to tell her dad.

BUT I’m so disgusted with the pain he’s causing our D (and me, but she’s the focus now) that I really want him to know what’s on her mind. She complains that he has no time for her anymore. Just this month, she asked me if Daddy loves OW more than her. I tell her of course not, that parents love their children more than anything and in a very special way. “Well, it doesn’t seem like it,” she replied.

On Thanksgiving when we were naming some things to be thankful for, D piped up with “But I’m not thankful for ‘OW’!” I am not wise enough to know how to answer her pain.

Calm me down and keep me from opening my big mouth to WAH! Or could it be time for me to quit?

Jazmom

I sincerely can't give you any advice; my heart is so torn to shreds that I am barely moving myself. Think I've posted this same question for the past year....."How did I get here? How is it that I am going through this?" "This wasn't supposed to happen to me, we were the couple no one would ever suspect would go through something like this!" But here I am, alone, sad, torn to pieces, while he lives it up with her. I swear to you if there was a pill I could take to get me out of this, I would go to the ends of the earth to get it! But I guess we just have to bite our tongue and continue. You have your 10-year-old D and right now she needs to know this didn't happen because of her and that her daddy loves her. I guess you have to put on that mommy face and let her see you will be ok. Seems like you are already doing that, huh?

I have to keep telling myself, "This is happening for a reason, I just don't know what it is right now?"

But as always, I'll send a little prayer your way and hope it can only get better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hear you ladies, this really sucks. I can't believe it's been almost a year and another Holiday Season spent with a fake smile and a heavy heart.
I actually did have it out with WH today. The usual topic gets it started, money...he's not sending full amount of support and I'm supposed to understand, he has this bill and that, and rent, he's lost his roomate, blah, blah...
Yeah, and I'm supporting 4 people on the same amount he's keeping for himself????
Anyways, it's really insane...I don't know how we got here...it's all so bizarre.
I'm tired of the whole thing..

I'm having much of the same feelings you are. Trying to fake my way through the holidays is hard work. I have 3 wonderful kids and they have been really great through all of this. But they know and feel that they are getting the short end of the stick and that daddy's priorities are messed up.

Just today I was thinking what is it going to take for the hurt to go away. No, there's no magic pill. And I don't like the idea of time healing all wounds. I had a family. We shared a lot of good memories before my WH lost his head. It kills me to even imagine that he isn't affected by the absence of his wife and kids. It kills me that he won't set his pride aside and step up to the plate and fight for his family.

I've decided that I am going to take the kids out and get a tree for Christmas and buy all new decorations this year, (nothing fancy) but just something that won't carry all the memories of Christmas's past. This is all still too raw for me. I don't feel like we have a complete family yet. It won't be the Christmas I was hoping for but I'm going to try to create something a little new and different for my babies. Maybe we can all fake our way right through this stinking holiday season.

Jaz

I too have no magic solution, but I guess the Christmas comment made me respond.

I am in plan B (18 days) and want so bad to tell WW what is on my mind and how it is effecting the kids.

I will not (cannot) go through another Christmas season like this, assuming I make it through my first one.

But consider this to calm you down.... you have your daughter with you - he doesn't have her.

My kids have been with me from D day and if they hadn't been, I would not have made it this far. Now she is trying to get them to come live with her (for a while she says), and if she succeeds I don't know where that will leave me.

Settin up the tree with all the memories was very hard - I wish I had thought of ljkm3's idea and I would have gotten all new ornaments.

Sorry I have no magic answer but as EmptyH says "I am barely moving myself"

Stayin' dark. DD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to keep telling myself, "This is happening for a reason, I just don't know what it is right now?" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Emptyhearaches,
Tell me when you find out because I'm not finding any clues either!

Barely moving is an apt description. Everything takes an extra effort. It's like I have to push, push, push to accomplish the simplest of tasks. I took D and her friends to see Elf last night and keep wishing that my WAH would see the light as the dad in the film did. It's like when you're pregnant and suddenly notice all the other pregnant women, ya know? Now I'm seeing my sitch and WAH in everything.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I actually did have it out with WH today. The usual topic gets it started, money... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Shugah, I can relate, I'm having big $ issues with my WAH. I just don't get why we are expected to have sympathy and patience with the money problems their choices have caused. If WAH was at least willing to try to restore our M and then we failed together, I could accept being broke with more grace. But, geez, it seems completely unfair for me and D to bear the financial consequences of his A. He's spending more than I am on everything. Maybe he oughta just move on in with OW instead of paying rent on his house--he only spends the night there if our D is with him! Otherwise it's just an expensive storage unit!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But they know and feel that they are getting the short end of the stick and that daddy's priorities are messed up. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ljkm3, do your children ever talk to their dad about what they're feeling? I wish our D would. I'm glad she can talk to me but it saddens me that she can't really communicate with her dad anymore about the "real" stuff.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It kills me to even imagine that he isn't affected by the absence of his wife and kids. It kills me that he won't set his pride aside and step up to the plate and fight for his family. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know, I know! Boggles the mind, doesn't it? Their defenses are like a brick wall. MY WAH even admitted he's in denial which sounded surreal to me--if he knows that much, then what the heck is going on?

I'm still mulling over giving him a push. He says he wants a divorce, but isn't doing much to make it happen. I think he just wants to stay on my work's health insurance policy and is also worried about having to pay me more bucks. But that's the reality of divorce so maybe he needs to feel those consequences and get on with his new life.

Well, I'm going to get out my smile-on-a-stick and put those decortions up today. I'm saying a prayer and sending healing vibes to you all.

Jaz,

Yes my kids have all tried to talk to their dad about what's been going on. I am very proud of the kids to have the courage to speak their mind.

I have encouraged my oldest D to write her feelings down in a letter. The 1st one she wrote clearly expressed how unhappy she was w/ him. She flat out told him that our family was screwed up and he's the one who screwed it up. She laid her heart on the line in that letter. She told him that she wished that she had a dad who would do things w/ her like her friend's dads do. He appeared to be concerned w/ what she wrote and did speak to her after that. But when they sat down to discuss the letter, he basically interrupted her and you could see that he was already thinking what he was going to say next when she was talking. She was VERY hurt and frustrated by this.

She just wrote another letter last night to him and let me read it. It was good. I think by her writing these letters is really helpful for her to vent. She won't be able to give it to him for 9 days b/c her loving yet absent father is in Cuba fueling his obsession as I write this post.

I thought that if anyone could get through to him it would be his kids. This is not the case. Fog is fog is fog is fog. I don't think it matters at this point what anyone says. He is going to have to ride this out himself.

My son who basically doesn't reveal his feelings to anyone did express that he wanted to talk w/ his dad. When he did talk to him, my WH told my 11 year old that he loved his sec. the way he loved me. From that moment forward, my son has distanced himself clearly from my WH.

I have the therory that just as God's Word doesn't return void when heard, the feelings expressed by his loved ones won't return void either. He may not hear them fully now but I believe the seed has been planted. He knows the WHOLE truth. And if it's as bad as I've already seen and imagined, he must be suffering greatly w/ all the wrong choices he's made to the sacrifice of his family.

ljkm3,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have encouraged my oldest D to write her feelings down in a letter. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've encouraged our D to write, too, thinking it would be easier for her. She does write stories about the sitch and in her diary but nothing to WAH. My C said I need to get out of the middle of their relationship--I had been covering up for him when he didn't call, etc--and to let D and WAH work it out. C said that D needs to be able to speak honestly with him and it will come in time. I'm not sure, though, as D is very adamant about me not sharing any of her comments with her dad. I did share something with him once I thought he should know and asked him not to tell D we had discussed her--and, whattaya know, he told her right off. She came home furious with me that I had broken her trust. She's just so young and it's so scary to step out there and say what's on her mind to him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> when they sat down to discuss the letter, he basically interrupted her and you could see that he was already thinking what he was going to say next when she was talking. She was VERY hurt and frustrated by this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, mine did the same with a few delicate talks they had early on. He basically lied to her about the sequence of events and told her OW was a good person, etc. D just listened, wouldn't ask questions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I thought that if anyone could get through to him it would be his kids. This is not the case. Fog is fog is fog is fog </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">True, true. I don't think my WAH could hear D's words, anyway. He'd go into denial mode and then blame me somehow! But I do want her to have a real relationship with him and not just the happy, happy, Disney weekend type. That's all he sees so if she's crying at my house, it must be my fault in his eyes. Sadly, he's the one who is the loser in the long run.

January's not my favorite month but I'll be glad when the holidays are done! I want to actually feel okay again and not have to fake it all the time. WHEN, oh, when, will that happen?