There was an email today in my box..please see, its from OM (after 2 week of him NOT contacting me)

I dont know what the problem is with you but your attitude isnt going
to make my decision any better for you. All I simply asked for was a few
weeks to get my life in order and apparently that was asking to much. I
have to much crap going wrong here that I dont have the time or energy
to deal with all the other parts of my life that have gone wrong.

So I guess I am going to have to give you up. It is only fair to you
and I cant handle dealing with problems in our relationship and the
problems I am having at home. I know this hurts you and I had no intension
of doing this but I dont think I have a choice. Things are a big mess
everywhere and I cant seem to fix any of it. I am sorry for any pain I
cause you, I never ment to hurt you in any way.

Thank you for everything you have given to me and for opening your
heart to me. Have a wonderful life and I hope some day our paths cross
again. I do care for you and will never forget the special girl that you
were to me. Miss you and luv ya always.

I feel really nauseous and panicky...I dont want to do anythign stupid.

I think Im gonnago to bed (worked all nite).

Will check for your reply later today

Hi sally,

Why did you have to read that e-mail? There is nothing in there that ws helpful.Ewww.It would have been better put in the trash bucket.

"I never meant to hurt you..."blah blah blah.,statements really make me mad.How could he possibly have any other intention if he had half a brain and knew that pain is the middle name in affairs.

"will check for a reply later..." pleeese.Don't reply.After following your story,I hope you will not.Sorry if this sounds angry but it touched a nerve about this whole affair thing.UGH

October <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Dearest Sally.
Sweet little lady, this is EXACTLY what you needed to hear.

Now let him go GRACEFULLY.

Accept it is over, let your husband read this note from him, hug one another and let this chapter in your life be closed.

We love you here, as a new friend that has been struggling. We care very much about you and know you are very very special.

This note from him is like a BLESSING to you and for your marriage, I hope you realize that, dear one.
Love, Sarah
P.S.If you reply thank him for listening to you all these months and then say GOOD BYE; simply wish him a good life WITHOUT YOU A PART OF IT. Maybe tell him you will be blocking any further e-mails from him and no longer checking this 'secret account'.

Good Luck, Sally

hi october and thanks for replying

i put the "will check for your reply later" as a message to all you posters on this board.

i am off tosleep

i feel really frazzled and just want this computer off before I do something stupid.

thanks

sally.

oh god guys WHY do i read into it that i wasnt supportive enough for him and too needy and THATS why he seems angry.

he wasnt ready to let me go?? do you think that is true? or was he just waiting for me to let him off the hook?

im so upset.....i do thank you all here for being my support.

sally.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
<strong>Maybe tell him you will be blocking any further e-mails from him and no longer checking this 'secret account'.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NC is NC ... don't even reply and you shouldn't even open that email.

-rh-

Hi again,

I disagree that the note was exactly what you needed.It only stirs the pot more! Argh.Too much thinking is going into it.Let it go and be done.The thought process should be elswhere.NOT into analyzing the note.PLEASE don't respond back.

Say to yourself that you have had ENOUGH.

October

Sally,

Block his email so you can't even accept it into your account. That's what I did after I ended it w/ exOm, about 5 weeks after ending it.

He was still sending them at that time, so it was tempting to read them although I never responded.

Also, after over a year of NC ExOM called me up twice this fall. Both times simply hearing his voice made me want to throw up. All he said was 'hello NAME', and I immediately hung up on him both times. I didn't even respond in the least, except for hanging up. The first time I literally had to run into the bathroom and wretch.

This is over a year of no contact! Don't be so hard on yourself.

Block this man out of your life in anyway you need to do it. Don't let him get to you, that's what he wants.

He sounds like my exOM- manipulative and cruel.

Take care
HP

<small>[ December 02, 2003, 08:45 AM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sally2003:

Oh god guys WHY do i read into it that i wasnt supportive enough for him and too needy and THATS why he seems angry.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Probably because there is a part of you that beleives that 'if only I do this, then he'll talk to me again'.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he wasnt ready to let me go?? do you think that is true? or was he just waiting for me to let him off the hook?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sally the guy realizes that he has emotional control over you. By him being a challenge and dumping you he KNOWS that he has control over you and that he can use it IF he decides to come back and try to renew the affair later on. He is using the knowledge that most women react catastrophically when they are being dumped by a man that means a lot to them against you.

Take it from me, as a man, I've seen this morally reprehensible and disgusting tactic used by players to keep the women they seduce in their back pocket. And your OM is nothing more than a player.

<small>[ December 02, 2003, 08:57 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

The most emotionally draining and crazy making part of these situations is sitting on the fence. NOT making a decision is sooo much more frustrating and difficult. You jump back and forth between what's right and what's wrong, only...in order for one to be right the other has to be wrong and vice versa. It's enough to make a person schizophrenic.

Make a decision. Either save your marriage and live happily ever after...and believe me, you WILL be able to leave this OM, and the pain associated with knowing him, behind. or Continue contact and stand on the sidelines until he no longer finds you as useful to him as you are now. He won't leave his wife for you, and even if he did...I can assure you it won't be a fairy tale ending.

So which is it....are you going to shred this letter and block his email. Or are you going to drive yourself nuts trying to decipher and figure all the 'what ifs' of an undecipherable situation? Be prepared for your husband to make his decision as well.

Sally, don't respond.
Close the account.
Move on.

TMCM is right ... he just wants you to be "needy" and "want" him. Don't give in. You be the one to stand tall and do what you think is right.

Kiss your husband..........

Actually, it is also about taking control of the situation for yourself Sally. You got your e-mail telling you it is over. Are you happy now? That was all you were begging for this last couple of weeks - tell me it's over, that's all I need to hear from him and then I can move on. (See your numerous earlier posts).

Blocking the e-mail is about you taking emotional responsibility for yourself. You are not waiting to see if he will e-mail you because it will automatically go to the trash can. Closing the "secret" account removes the temptation for you to contact. This is why you should do all these things.

Get a grip girl - do you really want to loose your H? You are seriously going about it the right way if you do. I know - remember been there done that got the t-shirt.

Sarie, I know you want to "help" Sally and vice versa, but I believe your relationship is doing the opposite. You are encouraging each other in the behaviours that are secret and were about your A's. There is nothing worse - you talk to each other because you think you are the only two in the world right now who understand what the other is going through. That is so not true - many of us here know how it feels and what happens. Sally, I told you he had dumped you and now he has actually said it, yet you still blame yourself. You still are thinking about how you should respond, and if you were too needy.

My advice to you is to show that e-mail to your H. Share with him your pain. Send a NC e-mail to OM (properly, not one of love and hearts and flowers), and close your secret account. You are currently setting yourself up to fail.

Wishing you well from London.

Lisa

I will post this on your other thread too.

Sally,

I know this email has messed you up, but I am sitting here laughing my A$$ off. I know you live in Canada, so you may not know what a "Dear John" letter is. It is a letter typically sent by a girl telling some boy to buzz off. In the college I went to they were soooo common that they used to publish them in the school newspaper with editorial comments and grades.

Frankly, your OM would get about a C- on his. It is not clever, it is not well stated, and it is open ended (which really brings the grade down). He has left the hook in you, but you can believe you will be his LAST choice at this point. A good "Dear John" letter, is brutally honest, painfully to the point concerning failings of the recepient, and just SLAMS the door.

Yours was wishy-washy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It is time Sally for you to stop and understand this was a game. You threw yourself at him and he took advantage of your willingness and weaknesses to control the situation. He is in control now. Things are not going well, so off you go. However, if he had really written a good "Dear John" you would have no doubts about his feelings for you. Instead you are going to ruminate on this for awhile.

So let's see, you can go for the wishy-washy man, who cannot run or control his life, or you can go with the man that has been steadfast to you through all of this. I think this letter makes your choices very clear and well deliniated, don't you??

Make no mistake you still have a choice: you can leave or you can stay. But, you may not end up with either man, if you don't choose or you may end up without either man if you do.

You know in my life I have found that when I had really really big decisions to make, they were made for me. I could go either way, but the data was very very clear as to which way to go. You need to look at the data and decide Sally. I think the choice is clear, but then I am not in the middle of it. So I recommend that YOU step back from the drama, and the emails and look at the situation.

Love vs. feelings consider the option wisely.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Lisa.
I basically told Sally the exact same thing as you.
That this is the 'closure' she has been wanting, consider it a blessing that he quite bluntly told her it is over, show the e-mail to your husband, then give him a hug, accept this online emotional romance is OVER, block his e-mail from your secret account and close it!

How am I saying anything any different than you?
Love, Sarah

Sarah, your reply allowed that a reply was acceptable. That is not the same as what lisa wrote.

<small>[ December 02, 2003, 12:05 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Hi John, it seems to me if she doesn't reply, it will be like a GAME and it will keep him WANTING to hear from her that much more.
(Like she was the past 2.5 weeks; yearning for his reply.)

It just seems he might call her or e-mail her more if she doesn't tell him she is cutting off all correspondence with him and requests he never call or e-mail her ever again.
What do you think?
Sincerely, Sarah

DEAR Sally, keep in mind this from the note you wrote me this morning BEFORE you got this much needed 'Dear John' letter:

"Im not suggesting you tell your H about the A, that is your choice and not for me to say, but I do want you to know that a once "blah" yet loving marriage has now turned into an extremely caring and sweet and beautiful one since I told my H.

I dont think his TRUE love and his genuine concern for my happiness and well being ever was seen as it is now that he knows.
Sally"

Sally,

Do you realize the gift you've just been given? It's like an answer to prayer! You've been handed -- on a silver platter as it were -- the opportunity to have a great marriage without the distraction of this OM.

Look...FWIW...what you think you may have with this guy isn't real!!!! I know -- from painful and personal experience -- that it feels real. But it isn't. What you have with your husband is.

And if you reply to this guy -- which I hope you stay strong and don't -- have your husband type it.

(Do you get the feeling that we're all pulling for you???)

__JG

That is a WONDERFUL idea, Javea, to have her husband type the GOODBYE note!

If and when I ever tell my husband about my affair, I hope to have the closeness that we could do that, TOGETHER.
Sincerely, Sarah <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

P.S. Since your husband knows of the OM, I hope you see how IMPORTANT it is for you to share this e-mail note with him...
I can see why everyone has been on my to TELL because I see it SO CLEARLY that you need to share this with your husband!!!

Sally

I'll tell you this your OM does know how to manipulate you. You've fallen for his game, and now your paying the price.
Don't respond to that letter, it needs no response except to close the email accounts (all of them).
Tell your H the name of the OM so he can inform his wife of the type of scum she is dealing with. His W needs to know so she can also make decisions for her life. It also works on closing the A on both ends.

The OM means nothing to your M. Its you and your H. He is the one that Loves you, and you delude yourself that the OM ever loved you. He only loves himself. This email is laughable, his problems are probably dealing with his other A's and his W finding out. How much of a toy do you really want to be. I can tell you he neither misses you or really cares anything about you.

Do complete NC and open your life to your H, become an open book. Its time to get off the fence and really start to work on redeeming your M.