So here's the story. I am an Active Duty Soldier and I am stationed in Germany right now. My husband has decided to not come live here with me because of some things that I have done and he is keeping my 14 month old son in the States too. I am desperately trying to work our issues out with him, but I am so terrified.

I never physically cheated on my husband but I did get online and browsed a single's dating site and even went so far as to post an ad (which he found out about). I also got together with an ex-boyfriend a few months back, but nothing happened. I also got on Yahoo Messenger and chatted about good ol' times with what my husband calls "an ex-f**k." And the last heinous act that I did was call a singles phone line and met a guy for a movie. I felt completely horrible about that one right afterwards.

I know everything I have done was wrong and reality has sure smacked me in the face and I am in therapy now to try and change and get help with the stress of possibly losing my marriage and my son. I have been trying to do research and this websit has been a blessing, but I can never get just the right advice for my particular situation. PLEASE HELP ME!!!

I am desperately trying to save my marriage and my husband thinks all hope is lost and he "doesn't know if he has the ability to work things out" and right now, since he has our son, he doesn't want to lose that advantage if things don't work out. I love my son so bad and I would be stuck here for three years without him if my marriage ends, which I don't want it too. Please, if anyone can help me I beg for it.

Hi & welcome to MB,

Acknowledgement of your issue is half the battle. Please read the concepts section above and if you can get the books surviving an affair and his needs/her needs both are by Dr. Harley.

Invite your H to visit MB. There is support here for both of you.

For you, I recommend you take the EN questionnaire and invite your H to do the same. Write down the good and bad times of your M and then write what you will do to make them better.

When you can, give that info to your H. Work with Steve, Jennfier or Cerri via some phone counseling. Or get a good MC. Steve, Jen and Cerri are good at coaching.

hang in there. It isn't hopeless. Many a BS wish their WS were as cooperative as you are being. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Definitely hang in there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Keep doing what you are doing, and showing your willingness to work on the M (Orchid gave great advice for how).

What I wanted to tell you is that as a BS, I can assure you that time helps. I don't know how long ago everything went down in your marriage, but I know that it can take weeks or even months months for the BS to get past the initial pain of discovering a betrayal, and to the point of thinking more long-term.

Stick with it. Be willing to work on things is more than half the battle, IMO. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> As Orchid said, there are many BSs who would love to have their WS be as willing as you are!

Good luck!

Mkekky

I am going to ask some hard questions to get you to examine your beliefs and behavior.
I am not trying to hurt you or show disrespect with the questions but instead I hope that you will begin to see what you must do to win back your H’s trust. You can respond to the questions if you so choose. You are under no obligation to provide any information.


Is it fair to say that the only reason you did not have an emotional or physical affair is that you got caught? You certainly tried to hook up with several guys on three or more occasions.

What motivated you to make contact with the other guys? What were you looking for with other guys? Affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, attention, admiration.

Which emotional needs was H not meeting? Did you talk to him about your emotional needs? What are your H’s three most important emotional needs? How do you meet H emotional needs?

Has your behavior persuaded your H that you will lie and cheat if given the opportunity? Has your H lied or cheated on you?

Did you attempt contact with any of the guys while you were in the states? Was your H suspicious of you behavior before you went to Germany?

Why did you lie to your H about your behavior? How would you define honestly and openness in a marriage?

Have you answered all of your H’s questions about your behavior with total honesty?
If you told your H everything do you think he would divorce you?

How would you feel if you caught your H doing the things that you did? Do you think you would trust him? What would he be required to do to prove to you that he is trustworthy?

Do you think your H believes that you had sex with one or more of the guys? Have you had sex with anyone other than your H?

Does you H have your passwords to all Internet accounts? How will you account for your time when asked? What do you plan to do to be more honest and open with your H?

How will you convince your H that you are a trustworthy person? Have you broken off all contact with the other guys?

How can you prove that you have broken off all contact with other guys? Do you believe that a no contact letter to each guy and a copy to your H would help restore trust in your marriage?

Are you fearful that your H will obtain sole custody of the child? Do you believe that your H plans to charge you with adultery in the divorce? How will you explain your behavior to your child later in life?

Have you told your parents about your behavior? What type of relationship does your H have with your parents? Have you talked to H parents?

Do you have family or friends that will speak to your H in support of the marriage?
What will you say when asked about your behavior?

Do you attend church? Have you confessed your sins to God and asked for forgiveness? Have you asked your H to forgive you?

What will you do if you loose custody of the child and your H divorces you? How will you deal with the emotional pain? How will you cope with being in Germany for three years alone?


Beau

Beau,

It's probaby fair to assume that I never physically cheated because I got caught. I'm sure my behaviors would have eventually led to that. I was looking for all those things that you mentioned when I was "hooking up." My husband was completely ignoring me. He was not doing anything for me. No love, no affection, not helping around the house. He wouldn't even hardly come to bed and when he did it was like 3am. ANd I had to get up at 5am. My behavior has totally blown our trust out of the water and yes he suspected and knew abou these things before I left for here and he let me leave fully knowing he wasn't coming over here and just letting me believe he was. I didn't necessarily lie about my behavior, I just wasn't forthcoming with the information. I will post more later I have to get back to work now.

mkekky:

"I just wasn't forthcoming with the information."

This is lying by omission. It certainly isn't telling the truth, is it? Your H is doing the same thing 2 you, isn't he? I honestly hope he comes here himself. It is cruel 2 let a soldier go overseas 2 defend our country with anything less than strong support from his/her family at home (you may be in Germany now, but later???). How can you focus on the job at hand?

It is good that you have found this site. Try focusing your energies on understanding yourself and the motives behind your inappropriate behaviors, instead of going online 2 chat or meet guys. That would be a positive start. Tell your H about it, about this site, and about your desire 2 restore your M. Be radically honest with him. It will take him time, but he can heal if he wants 2.

best,
-2long

Mkekky

Has your H always treated you with coolness and distance?
How did he treat you early in the marriage?
What caused him to become indifferent?
Why did you have a baby with him?
Did seeking out other guys make him more distant?
Did the two of you go to a marriage counselor to work on your problems?

People always have “reasons” or “excuses” for having affairs. But, the bottom line is that a conscious choice is made and then the behavior follows. There is NO valid reason for an affair. When he confronted you with information about the contacts you didn’t stop.
Some would say that you got just what you deserve.

Even though you say you didn’t have sex with another guy, you tried, and I am certain that this hurt your H - 10 X more than you can begin to imagine. Betrayal is about the most painful thing that can happen to a human being.

He will not get over this loss of love and trust quickly. It will take months to years before love and trust is restored. You should examine your heart and decide if the marriage is worth the time and energy that will be required to restore trust. If not, then make the best deal you can and cut your losses and move on.

Beau

mkekky,
You have found THE best place for THE best help and advice. MB and this forum have the answers that you need. You might not want to hear what is needed and might be reluctant to do what is advised but you will not be led astray.
#1. Read the articles and info that D Harley has here.
#2. Your H is hurt deeper than you can imagine. I know as I am a betrayed spouse. My H had an A.I still hurt after over 2 years. Even though you had no sexual contact,the intent and interest was there.
#3. You cannot tell your H enough how much you regret what you have done. I advise you to tell him(if it is how you feel) that what you did was the worst decision you have ever made and that you deeply regret doing something that has placed your marriage at risk.
#4. Tell him that you love him and how you realize that you could never find anyone who does for you or means to you all that he does.Pay him compliments and tell him that you realize now,more than ever how much you want to be with him.
#5. Listen to him as he releases his pain and anger and tell him he has every right to feel the way he does.Again,tell him that you are sorry and remorseful.
#6.Find out why you did this. Is there something missing in your M or needs not being met? Problems with your personal life? Problems from your childhood? There is never an excuse to have an A of any kind but look at why and what took you to that point. Tell your H that you are willing to do that and that you want to save your M and your relationship.

This is going to be a long ride on an up and down coaster so grab hold and do your best.It is a good thing that you went no further in the situation but it is still devastating to your H.

I wish you the best in this endeavor.I want to thank you for serving our country. kk

Mkekky

"yes he suspected and knew about these things before I left for here and he let me leave fully knowing he wasn't coming over here and just letting me believe he was."

...he also "I just wasn't forthcoming with the information."

I have thrown a ton of questions at you to cause you to think about the reasons/consequences of your behavior. Many of the questions don't apply to your situation but many do. Do you "see" any actions that you can initiate that will start the process of healing your marriage?

There is an awful lot that you can do to begin the process of recovery. But, you have got to want to heal your marriage and you have got to practice radical honesty (Harley term). Otherwise, you efforts will fail.

Please ask questions and express your feelings.

Beau