We’ve been married for 7 years, together for 12, and have no children (a decision made before marriage). I found out that my H was having an A last June, and ever since then, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. When I found out, I was shocked. When we finally stopped yelling and screaming about it long enough to talk about it in a civil manner, he made me realize how my behavior, in the past, contributed to what led him to the A. What I realized, more than anything, was that I had been so wrapped up in trying to manage our pitiful financial situation (which I blamed him for), that I neglected to pay enough attention to his emotional needs; I was taking his love for me for granted because I never imagined that he would ever do something like this. After coming to this realization, I accepted a lot of the blame, I became very insecure about myself and about his love for me, and I have bent over backwards to do whatever I can think of to make up for my past mistakes and change my behavior towards him. Unfortunately however, he had already fallen in love with her and still is. Consequently, he still hasn’t completely broken it off with her and, as you might imagine, there have been many lies, many battles and many tears.
Even though I believe that he hasn’t been seeing her much lately, I know that he still talks to her on his cell phone almost every day or whenever I’m not around. I know this because I check his voicemail, whenever I get the chance, and there are almost always messages from her and/or recent calls made TO her. Whenever I confront him with what I know, he gets defensive and usually makes me feel
We have had many long and deep conversations about this, as well as a lot of pretty bad arguments where we both become very defensive. But we are both trying very hard to work it out and avoid a divorce.
The OW also claims to be in love with him and she seems to have no qualms about the fact that he is married or that she is interfering in someone’s marriage. She claims to be a very strong and independent woman who is happy with herself enough to have never really needed anyone in her life in order to be happy. She says that it’s different with him, though. She’s told him that she just wants him in her life regardless of the inevitable struggles that she would have to face in order to spend time with him. Lately however, she’s been getting more and more frustrated and upset with him because he keeps breaking his promises to her, due to the fact that he’s trying harder to keep the promises that he’s made to me. I always knew that, eventually, she would come to depend on him more than she said she would and she would get discouraged. I keep hoping that, one day soon, she will finally get fed up enough to break it off with HIM and tell him to get lost, because I don’t think he will ever be able to end it with her, as long as she continues to be there for him. Shouldn’t there be a law against fooling around with someone who is married??!! I think there should be. Nevertheless, he keeps telling me that he’s “done with her.” If only that were true, I think that more than half of our problems would be solved and we both could finally concentrate more on our marriage and each other’s needs. But every time I think we’re getting close to that point, something happens to make me feel otherwise.
The night before Thanksgiving, we had another fight. So we decided to cancel all plans with family members due to our marital situation. Nevertheless, I went all out to surprise him with a very special Thanksgiving dinner, just for the two of us. He had been out on his motorcycle all day, but he did get home in time for the dinner. He was very surprised and appreciative because he thought that we weren’t even going to celebrate Thanksgiving. Later, we talked a bit more about the A and the OW. He told me that he just couldn't go on like this anymore, so he “hasn’t been calling her or seeing her anymore.” After he went to bed, I checked his cell phone messages again and found out, from another one of her messages, that he had been calling her all day. I confronted him again and we started to have another argument, but after he listened to the messages, he admitted his guilt again and apologized again. But this has happened too many times. I want so much to believe him, when he tells me what I want to hear, so I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt, only to find out that I was lied to again. So this time I told him that words don’t even count or matter anymore. I told him that one of us needs to find another place to stay because we need to separate for a while. I have tried to leave several times, but always ended up turning around and coming back. The problem is that neither one of us really has a place to go nor can we afford to pay for another place to stay since we are both unemployed right now.
One of my biggest dilemmas is that, whenever he’s not home, I can’t resist the urge to find out where he is, what he is doing and who he’s with. I always end up calling him or driving around, looking for him. I know that I need to stay away from him long enough for him to figure out how much he does or doesn’t want to keep me in his life. I often wonder if this is just some sort of mid-life crisis that will eventually end.
After reading almost everything on the MB site, I went out and bought “His Needs, Her Needs”. I'm in the process of reading it now. All of the information I have read, so far, has been extremely comforting to me just knowing that there are others out there who can relate to what I've been going through and to the extents that I have gone to in order to save my marriage to someone who just keeps lying to me. Sometimes I just feel like a complete FOOL! But I know that he loves me and is trying to do the right thing. He just hasn't been able to do enough, yet.
UPDATE: He finally found a friend to stay with, said he was going to stat there, and I tried very hard not to call or check up on him….. until the wee hours of the next morning. And guess what…..He did it again.
I confronted him, told him to pack up and get out, he begged for mercy and we talked all night. He turned the ringer on his cell phone on so I could hear it, gave me his new password for his voicemail, and when she called again, he admitted to her (in front of me), SOME of the lies that he had been telling. Meanwhile, he read a lot of the information that I printed from this website, but now he's just sitting in front the TV all the time and we barely talk. He acts like he's being punished. I don't know how to act - mad or not. I don't know how to start making things better between us. I want my love life back. I want him to smother me with love, but I'm afraid to let my guard down again too soon, because I don't know if the A is really over this time. Once again, I’m hoping.
