I am looking to get some advice. I am very confused and not sure which way to turn.

My H and I met 7 years ago. He and I became very good friends and later became romantically involved. After getting married we became pregnant with my youngest child which in now 4. H and I were getting use to having a little one in the home adjusting our time so we could still have some time together and it was going well. 5 months after my daughter was born my Mother passed away. This all happened out of the blue. My Mother was 50 I was only 23. I was broke. My Mother and I had always been the best of friends and she was my mommy. I went into a deep depression DEEP. I spoke with a counselor later and he said I could have still been going through post depression from having a baby. I needed my H more than I ever had; however he did not know how to help. I didn’t understand that then but I do now. If I were thinking about my Mother he would tell me "If it makes you sad stop thinking about her" " If you are going to cry looking at her pictures then stop looking at them. I was not allowed to mourn at all over her death. At that point that was the most painful experience I had ever had. I felt like I was dying. I pulled away from my husband and my new little baby.

Months went by and time helps heal wounds. I was feeling better, however my H was not. I had pulled away and H became very distant. H was angry with me for being so depressed all those months. Why would I feel like I was dying I had him, I had our baby? Yes, I know H was right I was just so hurt. Our distances lead to us picking at each other, which lead to fights, which lead to us almost splitting up. He and I never talked, every time we did we ended up fighting. Years later he told me at that time in his life he hated me. He never told me that when we were going through our problems but I could tell. Actions speak louder than words.

A man I worked with started smiling at me and was paying attention to me.
It felt good for someone to smile when they seen you v/s a sigh when you walk through the door. More and more time had to be spent with this man due to work and we ended up having an A. My A lasted a week; well for me it did the EA lasted longer for OM. I new what I did was so wrong. I hated it, I hated myself, and I hated the OM for approaching me knowing I was married. I new I still loved my H, I knew he was the only one for me.
I stopped sleeping at night when I was able to sleep I had nightmares about my H finding out. I kept this a secret for two years. I felt guilt for 2 full years, however I never wanted to tell H. I was so ashamed I didn’t want anyone to know and I was so scared I would lose him; I knew he had every right to leave me. During these two years our relationship got better, I thought we had finally figured things out. I got pregnant with our 2nd child (5 months old now) my husband and I were so happy. I started feeling guilt again. My chest was so heavy at times it felt like I couldn’t breath. One day my H and I were talking about relationships and H said " think people can change, A few years ago I really hated you." I responded with yes we both did and said things that we should not have. H asked, " Did you ever think about cheating on me" he had feelings. I couldn’t lie anymore. I responded yes, H asked with whom I told him
One question lead to another and another and everything was out. H was so upset he cried he screamed he hit things. I felt terrible. Just to see the look on his face and to know I caused it. He told me it was over he wanted a Divorce. I told him how much I loved him and what I huge mistake it was. I told him where I was at that point in my life.

I do want to let you guys know I do not blame any of this on my H. It doesn’t matter what he did or didn’t do I should have NEVER, NEVER did this to him and to our family. I take full responsibility for my actions. I made the biggest mistake ever.

He said he couldn’t be with me anymore, I was hurt but understood. Later that night he came into our room (he said he was sleeping in the guest room) and cried and told me he loved me but I had broke his heart. He would forgive me but this could never happen again. I thanked him for his forgiveness and promised it would never happen and how bad a felt that it did. Months went by the A was never mentioned. He would start to pull away and then we would get close again. One day H looked at me and said he couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t be with me. At this time I was 4 months pregnant and scared I begged him, he changed his mind. A month later he said it again, I begged he changed his mind, a week later the same thing and so on. He suddenly had been accused of having an A with one of his co-workers. He told me about the rumors and told me it wasn’t true. One day I received a call from someone saying they had seen him and OW at lunch together. This was a day when he asked if he could take me to work to help me out and I called his workplace and he was not there. When I got home I asked him how work was and he told me fine. H didn’t go to work that day. I asked him if he spoke with OW outside of work. H said no. I felt something was wrong deep deep inside. I looked at the caller ID and seen a cell phone number on the same day he missed work. I called the cell number and it was the OW. I then asked my H about it again and he told me it was over between he and I. He didn’t trust me and I didn’t trust him. He would not be accused of something when I was the one who had did wrong. We would live in the same house until the baby was born and then get a divorce. This crushed me. I began having contractions was put in the hospital a couple of times to stop pre term labor. H showed no emotion. His behavior started to change. New underpants, always eating mints, listing to slow love songs, getting up very early locking the door and leaving for work very early. The signs were all there. Every time he would offer to drop me off at work so I didn’t have to drive he would never show up for work. I found a cell phone bill that showed he had called OW 20 times in one day; he was calling her every day. They were having 20 min conversations. I confronted him, he said he had lied to me about talking to her because he didn’t want to hear my mouth, but they were only friends. He had told her about me and what was going on with us. He just needed someone to talk to.
One day I came home early and he should have been at work but was not again he was lying on the bed without any clothes on. He was acting really funny. Later on that night he came and held me and we went to sleep. It felt so good to have his arms around me. I only had 7 weeks until baby was going to be home I was so hopeful. A few days later he told me he wanted to TRY to work things out. He couldn’t promise anything but we would try. That was good enough for me. I new and still do that he
had some type of A with OW but would forgive him. I felt like he didn’t even have to tell me, just not have any contact with OW. My baby was born and he stayed home with me for a week, he had invited OW to see out baby, but she never came. One day he was at work and I was looking for a VHS for baby massage that I had bought for our first child. I had packed it up in a box on the very top of a shelf. When I got the box down there were condoms in the box hidden under some movies. I put the box back and didn’t touch them. A few weeks went by. It was six weeks after baby was born and my H and I could be physical with each other again. H pulled out the box of condoms I saw. I asked when did you get them. He replied yesterday. I told him I had found them in the box weeks ago and he said I was loosing my mind he had just bought them. A week later I found a letter that he had wrote that was not addressed to anyone.

"It was nice to talk with you yesterday. I have really missed you a lot lately. I get happy just hearing your voice. I have to distance myself from you so we both don’t get in trouble. Now relax your mind and bod

THE LETTER WAS NEVER FINNISHED.

I told my H I had found the letter and it was time for him to be honest if he really wanted this to work between us. I told him I would forgive him of anything. I new I had caused all of this. He told me the letter was written to me when I was pregnant. I asked how did this apply to us.
You have to distance yourself from me so we both do not get in trouble >??? His reply was yes, I didn’t want us to get hurt. I reminded him about the condoms I found, the cell phone bill, the missing work, and the rumors of A. He denied everything. He then said he had lied about the condoms. He had bought them while I was pregnant for us. I asked why would you need them I was pregnant. He replied with something that made no since.

I let it go. It has almost been a year since my DD and he is acting distant again. He is still hurt and I can understand. He still talks and is friends with OW, but has never admitted anything. I want to know, but don’t think he will ever tell me. Is it possible for us to recover without him telling me? Why does he still bring up my A? Have I messed up things to bad for us to recover? I know I have done all of this and I just can’t go on hutting him for the rest of his life. Maybe I am a crazy jealous wife like he says I am and nothing happened between him and OW. I just am very confused. Any help would be appreciated.

Hi. Welcome to Marriagebuilders. It sounds like you both have made some mistakes. You need to quickly start reading here about how to make your marriage better. Read all about Plan A. That's where you need to start. Also don't be so hard on yourself. You had a baby and then your mom died. At that time you need H to come along beside you and take care of you. He failed to do that. This left you vulnerable to having an affair. This is not an excuse, but I can see how it happened. You did confess to H, which was the right thing to do. Now he may be having an A. All of this is probably caused by not resolving problems when they first come up. There is lots of reading here and good information. Also you will find someone here that has been through whatever you are going through. I sympathize with you because you have tried to do the right thing. Please read all of the information here. Although you probably won't believe it, your marriage can be better than it ever was before. Hang in here and you will get the help you need.

Thank you for your responce!!!
I have a question for you. How would I start plan A without H telling me the truth. I really want to believe him. I really do. Do you think I have over reacted? Does he have to tell me for us to move to plan A. I am not sure that he would go with plan A when he feels or says he has done nothing wrong. Can I start plan A by myself? I started reading MB when I was pregnant and started working on his EN. I told him I loved him everyday. I new I would not hear it back I new that sometimes his responce would be very negative. " let it go " H would say " It is over, move on, I do not love you" but I still told him everyday! I tried to stay physically attractive, which was hard being pregnant. It worked his heart opened up to me. I would like to go with plan A, but I dont think H would.
Let me know what you think.

Plan A is for U to improve yourself within your ability. You need to implement plan A if you can do so without stressing yourself out. This means that you treat him with loving kindness for the sake of the M. Plan B is when you can't do that anymore.

This way if you have to go to plan B, after you have done a good plan A, he will have a hard time saying you weren't nice to him.

JMHO,
L

the4:

It is so sad how typical your story sounds. A string of tragedies, none of them handled *quite* thoughtfully enough. All leading 2 increasing distance between you and your H.

Neither one of you *did* anything 2 the other. Your affairs (As) were selfish and thoughtless reactions 2 the hurt you perceived the other was causing you. The trouble is that, having that kind of mindset subconsiously feeds the justifications that we all tend 2 make when inappropriate relationships outside the M start, and before we know it, we're in over our heads.

In the process of learning about plan A, which is a good lifestyle for your mental well-being anyway, read all you can about the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) and Policy of Radical Honesty (PORH). Your A was not properly "processed" so that you 2 could move forward afterwards. You should have encouraged your H 2 ask you whatever he felt he needed 2 in order 2 heal from that event. Since you didn't, but tried 2 forget it happened, you set yourselves up for a repeat of the mistake, either you having another A or him having one. Ignorance won't prevent As, communication, care, and protection of each other will.

Your H needs 2 be willing 2 end all contact with his OW for the rest of his life. Changing jobs if necessary. He needs 2 learn that he shouldn't talk about marital problems with a woman (except YOU!). You should both be in counseling, as well.

I know it seems impossible, but it is definitely possible 2 get beyond this awful time and have a mu2ually loving, wonderful marriage after infidelity.

♥2long