SBAB,

Hi, haven't seen your posts in a few days. Just thought I would check in on you.

How is your recovery going? VERY well I hope.

Today is our anniversary and so far no contact from WH nor any on my part either. It is very very difficult to not contact him in any way. This is why I couldn't stick to a strict Plan B when I did one. I just couldn't stay away from WH.

Give an update on your sitch if you feel up to it. Otherwise take care and hang in there.

FF

I was also thinking about posting a "Stung, where are you?" message. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Let us know how you are, hon.

Thanks for thinking of me. I'm very down.

Husband has been distant. I'm sooo worried that he's continuing the affair.

While we were separated and he was trying to make his decision on what to do, I told him to take his time; be sure. But to know that if he ever contacted her again (once it's over), I will divorce him. He used to tell me when he saw her. Now he wouldn't tell me because of the consequences.

We are going out on Saturday to discuss what we expect of each other and how we should proceed in recovery. This is my idea. He didn't seem too thrilled with it.

I am thinking of sending him an email today to tell him how I feel ... what do you think of the following:

"husband, I just have this burning sensation in my throat again. I've had it for a couple days now. It's the same thing I felt after you told me about the affair. I'm sooo nervous, worried, heartsick, anxious, on edge ... I feel like you're continuing the affair. You've been very distant lately again, just like before.

I know that I told you the consequence of you contacting her again, so how can I even ask you if you are?? You would just cover it up if you are. I'm feeling really messed up. It's been a few days of this. I don't know if it's true that you're seeing her again ... if it's because I stopped taking the anti-depressant ... if I''m just going crazy ... or what.

I've wanted to talk to you about this, but can't seem to find the right time. Honesty is what I want in our relationship, and I don't feel that I've been honest with you these last few days since I haven't been sharing my feelings. I also feel that you're not being honest with me ... you're not sharing your feelings. Is it because you're in withdrawal? Can't decide if you want to stay married to me? Feeling lost? What?

Just wanted to let you know this. We don't have to talk about it until Saturday if you don't want. We need to find a place to go where there will be no one we know, so be thinking.

God, I'm just a mess right now. Mind has been racing. If this makes you upset, I'm sorry. I had to share."

Oh, Stung. <BIG hug>

The email sounds like a good idea, but I think I would delete the second paragraph. I'm not sure I can put a finger on exactly why I feel that why, but I will try... reminding him of the consequence of covering up, then telling him that he definitely would just seems... like a definite Love Buster, although I don't have a word for it yet.

I think your letter, sans the second paragraph, is an honest expression of your feelings without dragging in consequences and assumptions. Just my opinion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I hope you have a good discussion on Saturday; I will be thinking of you.

Dear Stung:

I'm not an expert at this but I'll give it a try, concerning your proposed email:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">husband, I just have this burning sensation in my throat again. I've had it for a couple days now. It's the same thing I felt after you told me about the affair. I'm sooo nervous, worried, heartsick, anxious, on edge ... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This part is okay.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel like you're continuing the affair. You've been very distant lately again, just like before.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is a DJ. Just make sure he knows how you are feeling now is the same way you were feeling prior to DDAY.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You would just cover it up if you are. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Another DJ.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know if it's true that you're seeing her again </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would leave this out of that paragraph. Again, just let him know that you aren't feeling yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've wanted to talk to you about this, but can't seem to find the right time. Honesty is what I want in our relationship, and I don't feel that I've been honest with you these last few days since I haven't been sharing my feelings. I also feel that you're not being honest with me ... you're not sharing your feelings. Is it because you're in withdrawal? Can't decide if you want to stay married to me? Feeling lost? What?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This part is good and I think, the crux of the whole letter.

I also agree with Foghorn about leaving the consequences out of the letter.

Good luck on Saturday,
DB

I will think about deleting the second paragraph. The reason I put it in was to let him know that I know he is probably thinking about that. And also that I am thinking of that.

What does anyone else think? Maybe a few more sets of eyes can help. Thanks.

dazed, guess I was replying while you were.

Great thoughts. So what if I amended it to say this:


"husband, I just have this burning sensation in my throat again. I've had it for a couple days now. It's the same thing I felt after you told me about the affair. I'm sooo nervous, worried, heartsick, anxious, on edge ...

I'm feeling really messed up. It's been a few days of this. I don't know if it's because I stopped taking the anti-depressant ... if I'm just going crazy ... or what.

I've wanted to talk to you about this, but can't seem to find the right time. Honesty is what I want in our relationship, and I don't feel that I've been honest with you these last few days since I haven't been sharing my feelings. I also feel that you're not being honest with me ... you're not sharing your feelings. Is it because you're in withdrawal? Can't decide if you want to stay married to me? Feeling lost? What?

Just wanted to let you know this. We don't have to talk about it until Saturday if you don't want. We need to find a place to go where there will be no one we know, so be thinking.

God, I'm just a mess right now. Mind has been racing. If this makes you upset, I'm sorry. I had to share."

This just says how I feel. You're right about the disrespectful judgments. Even if they may be true, they are still disrespectful.

Stung:

Any more feelings you need to share:

1. I love you and want to work this out?
2. I want our M to grow stronger as a result on the A?
3. I want you to be able to be honest with me about your feelings in a safe environment?

Just some ideas to give this email a little more loving tone to it.
DB

yes, exactly! I've said those things many times, but I will add them. Good idea!

Hey Stung,

While you do need to set your boundries, I think you need to ask yourself if you are ready to go through with the D.

He may feel like he is in a catch 22. He maybe thinking; "I'm damned if I tell her and damned if I don't. Either way I lose."

I think DB makes a point in...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3. I want you to be able to be honest with me about your feelings in a safe environment?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you said something like; "H, if you continue to see OW, the two of us can't be together. I will not let you hurt me that way. If you tell me you are still struggling with your feelings for her, we can work that out together. I'm not really ready to divorce you; but, I don't want to share you with anyone else either. (this is optional) But if I find out on my own you are still seeing her and have lied to me, then I need to decide if I want to proceed with the D or not."

This maybe a less threatening way of setting that boundry. You aren't telling him you will divorce him, but you are making it clear that he can't have it both ways. You are also telling him that the greater consequence is not the continued contact, but lying to you about it. His lying about it shows you that he really doesn't want to work on the M but keep both of you available to him.

I know it's a crappy thing for us BS's to have to do to save our M, but he really has to feel safe in order for him to be truthful.


Praying for you. Let the Lord lead you.

{{{{{{Stung}}}}}}

S&C

Yes, I totally agree with S & C. Way to word it!
DB

Yes, I like the suggestions that were made as well, particularly about adding a more loving tone.

Let us know how it goes, Stung.

Well sh**, I totally blew it! Sent the email, he called me, I cried, then blew up!

Think we're headed for divorce for sure now. He doesn't want to go to MC. Says he isn't sure he wants to talk to me. Why the hell would he talk to her and share his feelings with her but not me??!!!

I can't do this anymore!

I have said all that **** before to him many, many times! I have rarely gotten angry at him throughout this whole thing. And when I have I haven't been a total b****.

Yes, I am ready to divorce him! I really don't care anymore. I am not going to be with ANYONE that doesn't love me ... doesn't appreciate me ... doesn't have respect for me ... won't share feelings with me ... isn't totally committed to me.

I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT DO THIS ANY LONGER!! I will not stay in a marriage if he doesn't want me. There are plenty of other fish out there and I'm going to find the one that is right for me. I don't think that I have the right one now.

I am too good of a person to let this happen to me. I feel that I have done everything that I can do. I won't do anymore!

okay, bag is packed. Taking son to gymnastics, then I'm going to a hotel. Uncorked the wine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This is the most angry I think I have ever been in my entire life ... maybe with the exception of the day my husband told me of his soulmate affair with his wonderful lover! My life right now totally sucks!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

STAB-

Sorry to hear things are falling apart. Ive been wondering myself when, not if I'm going to reach that point, and say "F'it". I'm sure we are not alone with these thoughts and feelings, but our WS's just can't seem to see their hands in front of their faces, through the fog. At some point you just have to cut your loses and move on. Like you, I know I have a lot to offer the right person, and some day I will find that someone.

Just comming here to MB demonstrates that you are interested/educated on the mechanics of true love and lasting relationships. Our WS's are mearly living for the moment, which will pass. Some say that love is beter the second time around...And armed with skills and insight you learn from here, I'm sure we will both find what we really want/need in any future R.

So, hold tight. Although the ride may be coming to an end (I think mine is soon), be prepared to sadle back up, and get on with your own "new life".

Take care!

Ugh! We're in a similar place and a similar timeline. I keep thinking I can do Plan A, but it just drives me crazy to think WS is with OW. I can totally relate to your anger. I did that a couple of weeks ago, but insisted WS leave. He wouldn't budge. Just today, he said he was taking a sick day tomorrow. All I could think of is that he's gonna spend the day with her! I would take the day off, too, but my boss already warned me that I've taken too many days off.

I guess we're all of a similar mindset. I already have a profile on match.com. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Stung,

I know you've been working hard at this and I know you feel like you're diving in horse manure right now to save your M. But I'd ask youto wait for about 48 hours before you pull the plug on anything.

I agree with everything you're feeling right now and you have every right to feel tha way you do. But too many people make life changing decisions when they're way to emotional. I know you're pissed. I know you're hurt and angry, but just wait. Don't forget, your H called you when he was emotional and look where it lead. Take a step back, give him time and give yourself time for everything to calm down a bit.

Then if you really are too tired to try any more then take what ever steps you need to stop the hurt (Plan B, divorce) whatever you need to protect your feelings.

Just keep in touch.

S&C

s & c, you're so right. I major love busted! I said all sorts of horrible, mean things to my husband tonight. I absolutely don't know where it came from.

Wait, I take that back. It's probably because I stopped the meds a couple of weeks ago and today I was cleaning out a drawer.

In it I saw an email that he had saved in drafts and I printed out ... professing his love for her, etc. I know that it wasn't as bad as finding all 246 emails that they wrote to each other, but it was a major trigger!

Then I just lost it!

I DON'T WANT A DIVORCE! How can I say that when about 3 hours ago I was ready to head there? What is going on?

He's not sure what to do. He cares for me, but doesn't thing he loves me in the husband/wife sense. He totally connects with her. She can read his thoughts. We don't communicate well.

I know that we can communicate well ... that we can fall in love again ... that it will be better than before. He's not sure he's at that point. Doesn't believe that it can work, but doesn't believe that it CAN'T work. Won't go to MC because they only want to save the marriage. What if we shouldn't be together? What if we would be better off without each other? He knows he would be perfectly happy with her for the rest of his life. He called her after I blew up at him around 5:00, then again earlier tonight. He has called her one other time (since they broke it off two weeks ago), when he was in the town she was in and I found out about it and yelled at him ... thought he was seeing her. He says he didn't.

Rambling now, but gotta get this out!

He thinks that we have both evolved since we got married and we want different things, are different people. I don't disagree, but I think we can be together and still be different. We just need to learn how to deal with each other.

She calms him down when he talks to her. I agitate him. He opened up to me a little tonight, but know he's still holding back. He says those thoughts he has will just hurt me and I'm so fragile right now and he doesn't want to do that.

He read my emotional needs questionnaire. I think he thinks it's a bunch a hooey. Says I gave him a 0 in family commitment when I've been telling him that he is a -3. I don't know about that, but I know he can be a +3 if he only tries. But I will not stay with someone who isn't a "family" person.

He just gave me his password for the computer and now he's really pissed off at me.

I just can't win ... can't stop love busting.

Arrrgggghhhhh


Additional thought ... I told husband that I loved him enough to let him go. To let him be happy wherever is best for him. I really feeel that down deep. He is important enough to me to sacrifice my own happiness so that he is happy.

Anyone else ever feel like that?

<small>[ December 04, 2003, 08:51 PM: Message edited by: Stung by a Bee ]</small>

Stung, I would agree with S&C's advice to wait 48 hours. Do you and your husband have any kind of POJA? I know he thinks these things are a bunch of hooey (mine generally does too, won't go to MC), but maybe you could present him with an "agreement" that's customized for you guys. Don't tell him it's part of MB, just something you came up with to set up objective guidelines for getting through this.

Remember, this just started, and this is the hardest part. He's going through withdrawal and you are the most sensitive you may ever be, and both states are understandable.

Is there any chance that you and your family can get away for a bit? A holiday getaway or something? Something distracting where the children are having fun.

Hang in there, Stung.

As to your last question... one of my favorite quotes goes something like this: "Holding on to something is like squeezing your hand tighter and tighter until it hurts. Letting go is like opening your hand... it feels better, but your hand is empty."

There may come a time to let go, but I don't think you're there yet. Hang in there, keep coming here, and keep communicating!

<hug>