I think they're going to probably rake me over the coals...but I just couldn't help it. My mother had some surgery this morning so I was emotional...and Christmas, it's just a hard time of year. Everything makes me cry. EVERYTHING. I just can't deal with having to split my D between my H and me. I CAN't.

My SIL was there having lunch so she heard my MIL getting a little sensitive with me on the phone and she's very protective of her mother I'm probably in the dog house again.

I asked my MIL if she ever had to part with any of her kids during the holidays...she just doesn't get the pain I feel.

God, I'm angry.

Any advice? Does anyone feel I really screwed up??

My MIL said I have to try to do something because I have to accept this. Yeah right...she hasn't walked the walk.

One practical solution: did you know Christmas has TWELVE days? The 25th is just the first! One way to work with the split-family routine, and one that the kids love, is to celebrate all twelve -- especially Twelfth Night (when the three kings come with gifts).

Terrified, I am right there with you. I think I am about to lose it. I really think I have reached the edge. I cannot stand my wife having an affair with this man and pretending everything is okay while I do every good thing for the kids. I am sick of it. I'm really about blow.

My best friend and I regularly have a conversation: "why do we care so much about what our IL's think about us?". We haven't come up with a final answer, but a lot of it is because we want them to feel that we are as important to them as we feel they are to us. Validation I guess.

Some people are just not capable of giving that validation that we need. I think you're looking for something from your IL's that they just aren't capable of giving to you.

What have you and your H discussed regarding Christmas? Is there ANY plan in the works? Was it EVER talked about?

One of the few things that my ex and I were able to actually agree on (this all being discussed well before any of that other crap hit the fan), was that it was important for the boys to spend their xmas eve and xmas morning in THEIR home; the home they are in most of the time. In my case, this is in my home. In your case, YOUR HOME. One of the original agreements that were made in my situation with the lawyers, was that the boys would be with me on xmas morning, but then nuckfuts (my nickname for him) would get them at 1pm on xmas day.

I was dead set against that at first... but was told that there's not much I can do about it. That's what happens when a D takes place. BOTH parents have the right to see the children on special occassions.

Ideally.. you and your H will enter marital recovery... but until that happens, you must have plans of action in place. One thing that I would highly suggest to you, is to NOT invite your H or IL's to your house on xmas morning. That is YOUR time with your dd. If they have a problem with it, then that's what it is... THEIR problem. These are the kinds of things that happen in families who split up.

On your MIL telling you that you need to "accept this".. well.. she is right. You need to find a way to accept that things are the way that they are, and then use that assurance to help you USE your plan to change things to the best of your abilities.

I think it's Bramblerose who used to say (or have in her signature line) something about "just because you accept something, it doesn't mean you have to like it!".

You are only one person Terrified. As wonderful as you are, you do not have the power to change your H, your IL's, or the earth's orbit. You DO however, have the power to change yourself. You seem to keep on forgetting that, and focus so much on others, and what they may be thinking, and what they're doing, and saying, etc. And you've forgotting to take a step back and say, "Hey! I'm not liking this! I need to remove myself from this, even if only for a few minutes at a time, and work on ME!".

Where's that awesome gal who came home from Savannah?

Karen

Terri,
It isn't clear from your post when H & ILs want your D.

If there is a span of evenings/days that "everyone" will be gathered from H's side and he wants D there the whole time, then that isn't reasonable.

If there is a special dinner and gift opening, that may be a time that D could be there.

Your D is young, the exact time of her opening her presents under your tree won't make a huge difference to her. (If you are big into the presents are from Santa, rather than you...explain that you arranged a special delivery.)

We've opened presents under our tree as early as the 22nd and stockings as late as after New Years, depending on our travel schedule, since we rarely stay at our home on Christmas. We usually have one present from "Santa" on Christmas morning, but there have been trips I've forgotten to bring them along <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , but I can't remember when my kids didn't know that H & I are really Santa. And it never stopped them from leaving out treats, or me making ash tracks from the fireplace (our house).

It would be gracious of your MIL to invite you with your daughter--since you aren't divorced. But neither she or your H ARE that gracious, and I guess that is what you have to accept.

Find out IL schedule, choose when you want your D with you and also when it is convenient for MIL party, and for you, for D to be there.

And while she is gone, do something...visit someone or volunteer somewhere (nursing home comes to mind) or go to a movie or go to a place (park, scenic overview, church) to pray, just get out of the house for at least part of the time.

It doesn't do much good to say you can't do something that you don't have a real choice about. I know it hurts your heart, mind & soul.

As in Psalms 23, we go THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death...and we come out the other side.
You've been on a long journey through, but you will come out the other side.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Terri}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

asked my MIL if she ever had to part with any of her kids during the holidays...

Is that it???

I mean is that IT?????????????????

Is THAT the commment or question that will get you raked over the coals...

hhhmmm if that's it...IF that's the ONE...the bad comment to sensitive MIL...
the one comment that warrants you the bad one...

then defend yourself and don't take one ounce of blame for asking a legitimate question!!!!!!!!!

Let's abandon Terr and her daughter....
and we the inlaws are going too in a back handed can't we all just along way" support the idiot who orchestrates this abandonment...

saying all along...that we don't necessary condone it...BUT...we don't want to upset him...
precious son that he is....

Sooooo we will expect you terr to not only be abandoned....but pretty much like it and be happy about it...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Terr...you don't have to like it....
you don't have to bite your tongue and pretend you do..
you have every right to be angry and upset that all these people call you and want to negoiate seeing your daughter...while the king of abandonment jerk head...lets his subjects negoiate his holiday festivities...

can you hear him...I can..

"Hey Ma. why don't you call Terr and make sure she lets daughter be there at your house.at this time and that day.....GOD forbid not at his hole of an apartment with no pretty framed prints on the wall to entertain anyone...
on all these dates....you do it Ma...it'll be fine...." just call Terr and TELL her....

"OK dear Son whatever you want..."

And asking that question gets you in the dog house...
insane insane insane insane...
but only insane if you accept one form or word of backlash..

while you and your daugther are not pawns and subjects of theirs to be moved around..
I am also not suggesting using her to punish him...
BUT.....
Fill your days with what you want...and fit him in where it works without an ounce of guilt that you have not created....

Tell your mother in law...what needs accepted is her son is a coward..
who abandons his daughter...and yet never speaks the truth of it...no one speaks it...
we will pretend and make it normal that suddenly daddy doesn't live here anymore...
infact dear you don't know where he lives...

tell your mother in law that you don't have to like it EVER...
and what you like don't like is none of her business...thanks to HER son...

did she answer your question or did she play wounded puppy...
because wanting people to accept things....is one thing..
helping them accept them with compassion and listening is a whole other ballgame..
for it is a good question...
and I will answer it for you...

No terr I never have had to part with any of my kids...and I think it sounds painful...and I think it sucks...
and i am sorry that this is how things are...
and i am sorry that this has occurred...
My heart breaks for you and all the other parents who are is this situation because grown adults are selfish and think this is best for the children...
she could have said you know terr..
she could have...

I wish I lived near you and when they take your daughter I would swoop you up and bring you somewhere where you felt safe and not abandoned...

you tell your mother in law if she wants you to accept this then to tell her son to start being a man...and face the real results of his actions and choices..and to take this burden of YOU being the bad guy for his actions off your shoulders...
and that real men that want to see thier children for the holidays don't have their mommies call to arrange...and are dam straight ready to negoiate that that all demands aren't met each and every time...
that there is give and take...

and it is done without malice towards the person who feels they are giving up everything...

find your strength...kick that dog-house they want to put in to he!! and back and don't go in there again...

so mad i can't even type right now..let alone spell... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

praying praying praying for you...
find your spunk and strength
find your spirit Terr...
pray for clarity and strength to see past the insanity they create for you..
pray for strenght to see the role you choose in it and remove yourself...

ARK

Terrified
What can I say I know that people move at their own pace with healing from, what has happened

Sorry something spooky happen with the keyboard.
Well as I was saying I know that people move st their on pace with regard for healing and I think should take as long as you like.
Now having said that I would like to ask you a question. [B][/B]

Terri, I want things for you. I want you to be strong and I want you to be happy. I want you to be safe and fulfilled in your life. I want you to have wonderful times with your kids. I want you to be surrounded by people who love you, respect you, and treat you well. I want you to be able to hold your head up high because you KNOW you're a good person.

And you know what's cool about all the stuff I want for you? You can have all of it, each and every minute of each and every day! It'll take work and changes in you and various other difficult things (like deciding that if you can't remain peaceful while interacting with someone, you're not going to interact with them). But you can, and I want you to have those things. So.... go for it! BE at peace! BE happy! Go outside and make snow balls and throw 'em at your kids (if you live in the northeast, anyway)! Look at the sunshine and the clear blue sky. Create the scent of apple crisp in your house. Light candles at dinner time. Eat a tiny bit of chocolate very, very slowly. Laugh!

Because life is, in the individual moments that you live it, not bad. Even on the worst of days, most of the individual moments create no additional pain. And in those moments, you can choose to create happiness instead.

Not sure why I'having problems with posting
Ok one more time, this is my question
1)WHY DO YOU DELVALUE YOURSELF? 2)WHY DO YOU TAKE THE WORD OF A MAN WHO HAS NOT ONLY LEFT HIS WIFE BUT HAS ABANDONED HIS CHILD 3) WHY WOULD YOU BELEIVE EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THAT COMES FROM HIS MOUTH HE HAS NOT ONLY LIED TO YOU BUT TO HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS. You know the truth, GOD knows the truth and your husband knows the truth and even thu he will white wash it, its still dirty.
His whole family enables him to wash away his lies, by looking away and saying things to gloss over the facts. You are the primary caregiver to your child that your wasband seems to only have time for between his hocky games (maybe I'm wrong
about that) but his parent should not worry about the christmat thing and should worry about why hasn't their granddaught spent the night with her partime dad.............

Please if you are not seeing some one to help you please do, do not leave this legacy for your daughter. You are worth something and you are stronger than what you think.