Hi all and ty for anyone that reads and replies to my post, I am so lost and confused I don't know where to go for help. I've been married almost 9 1/2 yrs, in those yrs we have had ups and downs but none like the last 8wks. My H puts everything before me, I was always last in everything he done, or so I felt like that. I now see that it was not just him, but me too. I turned to a man I never met, seen or talked to. I explained him my problems and he was there to listen, and give advice, at the time the advice he was giving was wonderful. He then slowly started telling me how my husband was wrong, and what "he" would do if he had a woman like me. I eventually fell for him, at the time I thought it was him, but now I realize it was not him, but the words he used to make me feel like I would be the most important thing in his life if I was his. Problem begin 6wks ago, when my best friend told my husband I was not happy. When he got wind of this, he tried everything in his power to make me want him, and I gave him the cold shoulder. I wanted nothing to do with him, I was to worried about the other man. After about 3wks of him trying he eventually gave up, and told me to leave. Like a fool I left. I didn't want to tell him this had happened again, b/c I knew I failed him again, so I kept it from him, at the same time breaking it off with the other man. About 2wks later he was digging thru my computer, and found an email I had wrote to this other man, and it devastated him. Now he basicly will have nothing to do with me, because this is the 2nd time it has happened. The 1st time he begged me for 9mnths to come home, and I eventually did b/c I love him. This time I'm the one begging to come home and make things right. This time I feel he won't forgive me ever. I have tried and tried to tell him that he is the only one I want, what that man offered me was nothing compared to what I had at home. I know in my heart we can repair the hurt that I have caused if he would only give me the chance to prove myself to him. I am so depressed I can't take it anymore, I am at my wits end. I feel I could fall of the face of the earth and never return. All I want is for him to look at me and see the person I really am, and not the person that crushed his heart. I know he is hurting, and I know what I did was wrong, he tells me he hates me and can't trust me, it will never be the same, but yet he will not give me the chance to prove to him it can and will be better. Is there anyone out there that can give me hints on how to turn his hate/anger around?

Hello:

I am sorry for your pain. I am a little unclear of what it is exactly you have done. Are you saying that not only did you have an emotional connection with this OM but that you were also having sex with him? Are you also saying that in the past that you had a sexual affair with other man and left previously? Were all of your affairs only emotional or also sexual in nature? It sounds like the both of you never fully recovered from your first affair and dealt with the issues that caused it previously.
I would strongly suggest counseling if you could get him to go. First of all I would write a long letter to him expressing your remorse and your desire to rebuild your marriage and future together. If this is the second time and if they were both sexual then it will that much more difficult. It sounds like your husband is totally devastated. I think time and patience and a letter a day may be a good start. They are others here who will give you additional and more concrete advise. I wish you luck.

bump

"this is the 2nd time it has happened. "

You should get IC to find out why you enter into affairs when you feel unhappy instead of looking for a solution within your marriage. From your husband's perspective he has reached a point, with good reason, where he does not trust you anymore.

I am sorry to hear about your troubles. I have recently come off an A, and my husband has been very gracious to forgive me and do everything to make me happy with him right now. I can almost guarantee you, though, that if it happened again, he would probably leave and not want me back. I can't imagine the hurt and pain anyone would feel to have to go through this twice - then there will always be the question, "when will be the next time?" and thinking that there is obviously something seriously wrong with this relationship if this happened again.

So I don't blame him for not wanting to continue with the M. My biggest personal fear is that in 4-5 years or so, I will re-affend - scares me to death. I agree that some IC might be in order to find out why someone else can win you over so easy, and make you forget your M vows. I have always beleived (even before reading MB) that if you are in any kind of A, there is something amiss with you and/or the M. Usually both. I think you also have to go on your track record and really look at yourself to find out in each situation, what lead to the A. How did the OP catch you off gaurd enough to win you over.

I ended my first M with an A (one-nighter), and here I am again, in the same situation with my second H. Obviously, it's not just the H's. There is something in me. I am trying to work on that in counseling so it doesn't happen again. I don't really know how you can win back your H. Maybe someone will have some good ideas. I like the letter a day, but I think it will be a tough road no matter how you slice it. He is obviously very hurt.

Sorry, Felina