Well, I just posted my first message yesterday and stated that H had had a relationship with OW but denied sexual relations. Well guess what, after 4 monthes of lying he has finally told the truth and I am devastated. I guess I knew all along but prayed for it not to be true. He no longer sees her and is trying desperately to keep our family together. He states that he lied to keep me from leaving. I love my husband and he states he loves me but I don't know that I can deal with this. Please help.

Kimm, you are in good company. Just know this one thing and hang onto it: you can recover from this and have a better marriage than you had before. You are going to be very angry for some time, though. However, if your H is willing to take the necessary steps to repair the damage, there is always hope.

Is he willing to send a no contact letter? Is he willing to permanently end all contact? Is he willing to answer ALL your questions about the affair and give you all his passwords? All of those steps will be necessary on his part to start the healing process. Those need to be your boundaries, Kimm, and now is a good time to set them.

We all know how you feel, so please keep coming here so we can support you. You will live over this, I promise ya!

<small>[ December 06, 2003, 07:37 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Another suggestion would be to run out and get the book Surviving an Affair. It is an excellent book that will help you understand what has happened here and how to work on your marriage. Can you guys get into counseling? The Harleys are awesome counselors and can often do in a few sessions what other counselors can never acheive.

Start in Plan A - read all about it here. H needs to write NC letter to OW. Then get busy with recovery - you can do it. You are way ahead of lots of folks here, if he is really sorry and there is NC with OW. Realize that cheating is prevalent in our society and it happens in lots of marriages. You are not alone, and will get great advice and support here.

He states that he lied to keep me from leaving.

Here's your opportunity to share one of your emotional needs with your H.

Sit with him and calmly share that "the lie" is what kills the relationship. The small lie and the big lie.

Share with him that the reason you are considering leaving is because of "the lie" .... and that you are strong enough to deal with "truth".

He needs to know that his reason for "the lie" is a selfish reason.
He wanted to keep you in the marriage under fraudulent conditions.
Tell him you are not going to be married under an umbrella of lies that were intended to protect you from "truth".
Tell him that any lies will erode his chances of restoring trust.

Give him one week to compose a list of any other "lies" or secrets he has maintained under the guise of "keeping you from leaving". Tell him to put absolutely everything about the affair on the list, and that to omit any detail will be counterproductive to trust building. He is to be honest even when it hurts.

Tell him that if he does this 100%, your respect will be his reward.

Tell him that the biggest obstacle to recovery is secrets and lies.

During that week time frame, stop all discussions about the A. During that week time frame, be close and loving. it will be hard, but if you want to save your family, you must be strong. Make it "safe" for him to come clean.

After one week take his list with you to your mutually agreed counselor or priest or rabbi or minister.

Discuss the contents of the list.

Then follow up with counseling, prayer, and lots of time together.

Make sure he is not punished for being honest.

That doesn't mean you cannot show your pain or hurt, but he cannot be punished for honesty if your decision is to try and repair your marriage.

best of luck!

Love,

Pep

<small>[ December 06, 2003, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I am feeling so desperate that I am not sure what I will do. My Husband is crying and begging me to wait and think things through. How will I ever be able to look at him again or let him touch me. Why would he risk the well being of his children for a fling? What kind of person does that?

Kim McA
When I first discovered my W's A I tried to go it alone but the depression and anxiety got to me. I don't normally advocate meds but sometimes a BS needs them to clear there head.
Once the meds have calmed you down a bit then think about the R and whether you want to try and rebuild or whether you want to D. Remember the D is the easier way out. It takes a lot of work to rebuild the M. Work on both of your parts. You need to solve the pre-A issues as well as deal with the pain of the A.
I'm rooting for ya,

cwmac

[QUOTE]Originally posted by kimmca:
I am feeling so desperate that I am not sure what I will do.

Do not make major decisions while you feel this desperate. There is NO need to make a decision immediately to stay in the marriage or not. Give yourself a minimum 6 months to reflect.

Why not at least TRY the little senario I suggested as a start to feeling less insane????

My Husband is crying and begging me to wait and think things through.

Well, at least you know where he stands today!

How will I ever be able to look at him again or let him touch me.

With the passage of time, and your own good intentions .... that's how.

Why would he risk the well being of his children for a fling?

I am sure you've asked him this. And likely he hung his head and muttered something like "I dunno"

What kind of person does that?

A mixed-up and unhappy person. Usually a person who lacks a sense of his own self-worth. Usually a lost person, who felt weak and unloved, and lacked the courage to face his own weakness straight on .... and instead threw himself into a fantasy.

Lucky for you .... your husband is awash with regret and remorse.

Unfortunately, he multiplied the problem with lies after D-day ... but this is not unusual either. Most infidels don't like themselves before the affair and they have even LESS self-esteem after the affair, so they lie to cover up their shame and self-loathing.

Pep

<small>[ December 06, 2003, 01:24 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Kimm, I don't know if any WS (wayward spouses) have replied to your post, but I am one. The book SAA, mentioned in the last post will help both you and H understand the underlying causes of the A. During my A, I was so unhappy in general, I thought that the A was the way out. It is so easy for this fantasy and addiction (and that's all it is) to spiral out of control. This book explains just about everything. (I was shocked to see that everything I did and said to my H was right there in the book - as if they followed me around and wrote my own story!) If your H is willing to try and make amends, the most loving thing you can do for him is to stay right now. Immerse yourself into this website, read all the materials and books, and have him read them too. They will help him understand what happened also, and that there are solutions without divorce if you are both willing to work on them.

It will be the most painful, hardest process you will ever go through, but beleive me, if you both immerse yourself in the healing process together, and work together to fix the root of the problem, you can come out of this challenge with a better relationship than you ever could have expected. Remember, don't rush any decisions. Give things time to simmer down, and like the other post suggested, get meds if you need them to help you through this. Follow the books, to help set healthy new boundaries.

This can all work if you both make it. Read a lot of the posts, you will see a lot of others in your same situation, and if nothing else, it will give you hope that you are not the only one out there going through this nightmare.

Good luck and keep posting - this is the best network of people - take it from me, they saved my a**.

Felina

Oh, and I forgot - pick a MC that is pro-marriage. This is a disposable society, and you will get plenty of feedback to ditch your H and start over. Don't listen to them. It can work out.

Felina

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Felina:
<strong> Kimm, I don't know if any WS (wayward spouses) have replied to your post, but I am one. The book SAA, mentioned in the last post will help both you and H understand the underlying causes of the A. During my A, I was so unhappy in general, I thought that the A was the way out. It is so easy for this fantasy and addiction (and that's all it is) to spiral out of control. This book explains just about everything. (I was shocked to see that everything I did and said to my H was right there in the book - as if they followed me around and wrote my own story!) If your H is willing to try and make amends, the most loving thing you can do for him is to stay right now. Immerse yourself into this website, read all the materials and books, and have him read them too. They will help him understand what happened also, and that there are solutions without divorce if you are both willing to work on them.

It will be the most painful, hardest process you will ever go through, but beleive me, if you both immerse yourself in the healing process together, and work together to fix the root of the problem, you can come out of this challenge with a better relationship than you ever could have expected. Remember, don't rush any decisions. Give things time to simmer down, and like the other post suggested, get meds if you need them to help you through this. Follow the books, to help set healthy new boundaries.

This can all work if you both make it. Read a lot of the posts, you will see a lot of others in your same situation, and if nothing else, it will give you hope that you are not the only one out there going through this nightmare.

Good luck and keep posting - this is the best network of people - take it from me, they saved my a**.

Felina </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cwmac:
<strong> Kim McA
When I first discovered my W's A I tried to go it alone but the depression and anxiety got to me. I don't normally advocate meds but sometimes a BS needs them to clear there head.
Once the meds have calmed you down a bit then think about the R and whether you want to try and rebuild or whether you want to D. Remember the D is the easier way out. It takes a lot of work to rebuild the M. Work on both of your parts. You need to solve the pre-A issues as well as deal with the pain of the A.
I'm rooting for ya,

cwmac </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">cwmac
I am grateful for the advise. I despartely want to save my marriage. I would be a fool if I said I know there were problems leading up to this. I am so angry and hurt that I cannot control my emotions. How could he lie for so long and sleep next to me?? How can we ever be intimate again? I am in a tailspin but I will keep coming here and hopefully someday I may make it through this. Thanks again
kimmca