You folks may or may not know that I'm an ESTJ, so I don't even take a trip to the bathroom without a plan.
So I'm writing a plan B letter now, but I've not yet decided that I want a plan B.
Here are my thoughts on this. It seems plan A and my attempt to meet the needs she expressed in the past about me being romantic and such are not recieved well. The only things that get her to talk are activities where I pull back.
So after examining the cause and effect, I really think plan B is more effective in my case. I've not perfected avoiding LB's, but I'm much better at it. However, it is very painful to see her and to see how closed and withdrawn she is.
I really didn't plan to snoop yesterday, but I was at the apartment and had to use her computer to generate a map to a place where I was picking up a matress and when I went to the mapping site, the first thing that came up from the autocomplete was an address in Dayton, OH (where OM lives, some 400 miles away) well a quick check of her history shows she was still checking her webmail account last week. So there is some circumstantial evidence that she has some contact or perhaps desire for contact with the OM in the past two weeks.
So to protect myself from these temptations to snoop, as well as avoid LB'ing, perhaps because "pulling back" seems to have the most profound impact.
I still have to talk to Steve Harley about this, and I'd rather not have to do this, but I think I may need to protect myself and my love for her.
So without further delay, here is the first draft of my PBL. I ask that so I can learn the most from this, that your comments are general at first, not picking apart specific paragraphs, but instead focusing on the general things it needs as well as the general things that I should leave out. This way, perhaps I can learn to write better.
If after several cuts it's obvious I don't get it, then I ask that you give more specific examples. I'd like to learn how to do this (not that I plan to write a bunch of them, but I do want to express my feelings and desires without LB'ing, so learning to look at my own words and ID them is a great exercise for me.)
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I regret having to write this letter, because I really want to do this another way. However, based on your actions, and reluctance to work with me on our relationship I must do this to preserve my love for you.
First, I want you to know that I love you very much and will always love you very much. However, I cannot continue to express my love in such a fashion without beginning to feel some pain and resentment about the current situation. The danger is that if I begin to associate these feelings of pain, frustration and resentment with expressions of love to you, my love for you will die, and I don't want that to happen.
So, I simply seek to cut off ALL contact with you until you are ready to work on our relationship. Until you are ready to forsake all others, and be totally open and honest with me about how you feel and what you are doing, I must insist that we not have any direct contact. No contact by telephone, no contact in person, no letters, e-mails or anything, except that you want to tell me you are willing to work towards an open and honest dialog seeking to improve our marriage, and that you are willing to take verifiable steps that you are not seeking to have your needs met by other men.
This is hard for me because I know that I bear some responsibility for creating an environment in our home and marriage that caused you to seek satisfaction outside of our marriage. I've owned up to that, and I'm working on those characteristics. I won't enumerate them as I'm not even sure I know them all, but I do know that God is changing me, and I'm finding more satisfaction every day in my relationship with Him.
It is only by His strength that I'm able to do this, to lean on him for all of my needs that I can truly let you go. As I've said before, I've asked too much from you, asked you to meet too many needs.
In the past months, I've not asked you to meet any of my needs, but have simply been trying to send the message that I still want to be your partner, and equal partner. I've sent the message that I did wrong and am seeking to be better. I get frustrated when you accuse me of being perfect or trying to be better than others. I'm sorry you feel this way, so I must find a better way to improve myself that you don't percieve in a negative fashion. I still want to be your partner, but I feel frustrated in my efforts. Perhaps I've missed where you are demonstrating that you are my partner, and I'm willing to sit down and listen to you. I've always been willing to sit and listen to you. Sometimes I open my mouth, and get into trouble, so this is yet another reason that I should probably break off contact until I stop hurting as well.
I am truly sorry I did not see your unhappiness before September 6th. I don't understand why you will not believe me when I tell you that I did not know you were unhappy, but I didn't. You were telling me in your own way, and I just didn't understand. This is why I so ernestly seek that we both attend marriage counselling, a retreat weekend, something where we learn techniques to better understand each other.
I hear you when you express that you are hurt, and I can somewhat understand that as now I hurt too. However, I doubt I fully grasp the hurt you feel. We both promised that we would not hold the past against each other, and I'm doing my best to make good on that promise. I simply use the memories of the past to examine where I've gone wrong so that I learn not to do those things in the future. The past is painful for you as you've said, yet I want you to share with me what happened as I'm truly oblivious to how you felt. I simply ask that you try to understand me as I'm trying to understand you. Much like I didn't see the signs until you hit me in the head with your words on September 6th, I often feel frustrated that you don't validate that I really didn't see this, that being perceptive of feelings is not natural for me. I ask that you validate the fact that I probably won't understand how you feel unless you simply say things like, “I feel unhappy.” So I must break off contact so I don't continue to pressure you regarding those feelings. I would still like you to explain them to me, but I don't want you to feel forced, so I'm taking a drastic step so that I'm better meeting your expressed need for space.
This meets a need for me as well, as I don't want to lose my romantic love for you. I will still write you a love note everyday, because I promised to do that, I simply wont send them to you any more.
I will give you until the end of this week to discuss this matter with me as well as to work out the logistics of how we will exchange Camy. I do want to have her 50% of the time, and for me to continue to afford giving you the support you've asked for, I ask that the same care arrangements be available to me as you are using. You will certainly have Camy on the weeks I'm on call, and I hope we can cooperate on these matters.
You have this same amount of time to get what ever you need from the house. I then ask that you don't come to the house without first making arrangments through the person we designate as the messenger.
During the weeks I have Camy, you can arrange telephone calls with her, and I'd like the opportunity to do the same. In my case, you can page my text pager with a your home phone and I'll have Camy call you. If I call you and you see my number on the caller id, I simply ask that you have Chelsea or Camy answer the phone please.
I ask that you return to me your house keys and your garage door remote. I will continue to pay for the van and insurance as well as the support for Camy as long as you are not going to deny me the same daycare arrangements for her that you use now. I want to remind you that you mentioned you are planning to file your taxes seperately next year, so I will not be withholding Federal Taxes to cover your salary after January 1st.
With the exception of an emergency, such as a sudden change of plans for either of us that may cause problems with child care or an actual medical or similar emergency, I ask that after this brief transition period where we work out the details, that you respect my wish of no contact until you are ready to discuss our relationship in an open and honest fashion as well as be open and honest about any relationships that you think I might percieve as threatening to our marriage.
Any mail that you still get here, I'll send home with Camy or drop it off with the messenger for you to retrieve at your convenience.
Until then, I will simply pray for all of us, that we and our child find satisfaction in God as he amply fills our needs and often our desires. I want what you say that you want, to be happy. I desire that we are happy together. However, I know the peace that God gives is more than I need, and I lean on that peace, now and forever.
Like I said before, I'll wait for you, and I do love you, so I must let go of you to preserve that love.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">-jC
