Lucity,
I am going to attempt to show you the message your posts gives to me. This is an honest review of your post. Please do not take it in a negative manner. Instead I hope it will help you learn to see how your thoughts come across vs how you mean them to be. Consider it as constructive criticism. I am doing this on the premise that while I don't know you personally, I have spoken to H2y in the past and he speaks highly of you and your intelligence. He knows you have it in you to survive. He knows you can be a smart whip when you put your mind to it and it used to tear him apart to see you wasting your life away with the OM swaying between fantasy and reality.
So I am taking a chance on your viewing this in the way it is intended and nothing less. U game? Here goes:
Lucity: I have done so much.Orchid: This is a statement. In MB terms, you have only just begun your real journey.
Lucity:I have been through abused woman program.
I have been through one on one counseling as well.
I have also gone through a divorce recovery class.Orchid: These are postive actions that I am glad to see you have taken. What have you learned from these courses?
Lucity:I have sent the OM a letter stating that I no longer wish to continue a relationship with him.Orchid: This is a start but you need to do more than wish. What are you doing?
Lucity:I did however give him full access to OC.Orchid: This is your choice and that choice may affect other decisions. It is a fact that the OM has a violent history correct? Just because he has some good days doesn't qualify him as dad of the year. Caution around him is still vital. How are you protecting all your children from the harms of the OM?
Lucity:Yes the other man gets stupid at times but I have found that my own strength and the support of my friends and family have shown him other ways of handeling things.Orchid: Has he learned? What have you seen to prove this is not just a short lived lesson?
That and the promise of Protecting myself and the kids if he steps out of place ever again.Orchid: How have you made this 'promise' a reality? One that H2y and the children can believe? Remember, they put their own lives on the line for you many times while you were dealing with the OM.
Lucity:I am not one to call the POLICE Orchid: Why not? Isn't that what got you in more trouble with the OM?
Lucity: everytime someone gets angry or out of line.Orchid: This is a true statement but should not be an excuse.
Lucity:People have emotions. I have had to look at it in everyones eyes. H2Y, OM,and the kids.Orchid: Being objective is good. How are you showing that objectiveness to H2y and the children?
You gotta excuse me but I could give a rats patooy about looking at things through OMs eyes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Lucity:I have slowly been changing my life and I feel better now than I have in a very long time.Orchid: Slow and steady is better than fast. You want those changes to stick. Since it is slow, then the recovery by all involved need time.
I am glad you are feeling better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Lucity:I not only let go of OM, I have let go of the possability of getting back together with H2Y.Orchid: That again is your choice. How are you making that choice clear to H2y and your children?
Lucity:I will never let go of my children. They are what I miss most. Orchid: Good to hear. You know for a while there, that was difficult to see. How do the children know you miss them the most?
Lucity:This has gone on so long that their are no love banks. Orchid: None? Not even for the children? You know my H (he was the WS) was gone less time than you and my Love Bank went into the red zone. He had to pull it out and prove his love for me again. Might go the same for the both of you. Even now, my H still has to fight for my love. I no longer give it willingly and without reserve. The A has taught me to be very cautious and trust takes even longer.
Lucity: I can't deposit and I can accept. I am starting to feel hatred for my sons father. I am at the point where I cannot even listen to his voice.Orchid: No one is asking you to. Your feelings of hatred are stemming from your emotions. You have control over those emotions, right? It is vital to your personal recovery to gain mastery over them. Otherwise you will end up right back in the same A muck you were before. That would not be progress.
If you feel you can't listen to his voice, then leave messages. Realize that he may at times feel the same about you. I know there were times when I didn't want to see and hear from the WS even in recovery.
Lucity:WHEN H2Y HEARS WHAT I SAY ON HERE,DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN IT IS NOT TO HIS LIKING.
HE DOES NOT ANSWER HIS PHONE.
I CAN'T GET IN TOUCH WITH MY BOYS. Orchid: Be creative with your communication skills. Don't just use the phone. Write your boys a letter. They will feel special. Remember the boys belong to both parents. H2y has taken all boys into his love right? You said before he was a good father to all. You should appreciate that.
If at times you feel he is using the children as a weapon (I have been accused of the same), then put down your weapons. Nothing disarms the opposition more than to fight with an unarmed opponent. Especially an opponenet that just wants to hug the opposition. It would be good to replace those feelings of anger and opposition with kind words.
Make that a goal for you.
Lucity:SO I TRY VERY HARD TO WATCH WHAT I SAY ON HERE.Orchid: Don't try so hard. We have heard a lot. You know my H periodically comes here and at first he used to get real angry. Now he knows better and you know what? He even speaks regularly with a few from here. You'd be surprised how much of your world can open up, with you open up. It sure makes life easier and it is very hard to be angry and laugh at the same time.
Lucity:SOMETIMES MY ANGER GETS THE BEST OF ME.Orchid: I used to teach my son how to react when he would get frustrated. So at around 1 1/2 years old, I taught him to say when he got upset: Just a minute (he would put his hand out like a stop sign), I'm upset (he would point to himself), let's talk about it(he would extend his hand face up to the other person).
At that young age, he learned how to sign those feelings and sometimes he tried to do it all together real fast and slap his hands together because he was very upset. It was cute to watch and yet so poignant a lesson. To this day we talk about how important that lesson was. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Lucity:I AM ONLY HUMAN. Orchid: That's why we are here, because we are human. Those aliens have their own board. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
L.
ps: just to let you know, tonight I had to deal with a lady who is almost homeless, was beat up so bad by her former H that she is almost deaf in 1 ear, so ill that she has a hard time standing up for long, told me she almost commited suicide tonight before I stopped by. We talked for a while and though I couldn't help her resolve all her problems, we talked about putting a plan together to get her to be healthier and in time financially stronger. Then H was called to deal with his younger sister and grandfather who were having emotional and home repair issues (heat went out in their home, SIL was very upset). I had to hear how my SIL feels no one cares for her, everyone hates her, etc. It wasn't reality but her actions made it appear so. She even called 911 and when the police came, there was nothing for them to do. Did not make the police happy. I had to then spend another hour calming her down. My point to all this Lucity is that there are many people out there who are in dire straits. Some of their own making and others with things beyond their control.
It is vital to face reality and work with that. Learn from the past and move forward. Set a goal for yourself and work towards it. Your actions will tell your true intentions. Keep focused. Be consistent. Be true to yourself, to God and to your family.
take care,
L.
