How do I tell H that I just can't take it anymore when I can't seem to talk to him about the everyday stuff. He doesn't seem to care that my needs aren't being met but still wants his met. We can sit and "talk" for hours as long as its about him.
I have done so much to change me and keep working on me and he has put only a little effort into this marriage and what I hoped would be recovery. He started out doing ok but has backslid and won't listen anymore.

How do I tell him all the things that have happened (LB's) that have caused the bankruptcy without more LB's?

I want to tell him that when he hollered and complained all summer about his competition (people that used to work for us) that it was a LB.
I want to tell him that after I confided in him about the hard time I was having with our daughter (at a time I thought I could trust him) and then the first time she crossed him and he unleashed on her about how lazy she is and how it isn't his fault because he has tried to help her that it was a huge LB. (She is a super good kid-not in trouble or anything more than strong-willed).
I want to tell him that the time he started getting so angry at a restaurant because the service was very slow that it was a LB. And when I told him I was surprised by his anger and reaction to the situation and he yelled at me it was a LB and a huge withdrawal.
I want to tell him that when he started trading stocks on the internet after out busy season ended that it was a LB. (My opinion is that he is addicted to trading/gambling and he is of course not of the same opinion.) That when he sits at the computer waiting to buy a stock at the exact right time while his hired help stands here for a 1/2 hour waiting for him that it affects my love for him. (And really pi$$es me off too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )

I just can't take it anymore. I am emotionally not involved in this marriage. I can't trust him with the small stuff so how do I trust him with the big stuff? When I try to tell him how I feel he turns it all back around to me.

We are on two separate paths again as we have been all our married lives and I want it to be different. I have been to IC (9months) and have talked to SH 4 or 5 times and have an appointment again on thursday. I need to know how to let H know that this is it. You either get on the recovery bandwagon or get the H*** out. I can't stand to look at him anymore.

I'VE HAD IT!
No time to edit...hope it makes sense

HELP!

Hey, its time for the old self boost. Believe me, if you let it get to you. It will not only effect your heath, but make you feel miserable daily. I learned that you can try to change people but if they do not want to change, you must to survive.

Start to change yourself, dress sharper, exercise, take classes, and pamper yourself. Your H will notice, and believe me will react. He will get the feeling you are on a course without him and become very interested in what your up to.

But please take it from a long time sufferer. Trying to change them when they don't want to not only brings up you blood pressure, but makes you depressed and discussed. not worth it.

The next time H pulls something that is pushing your buttons, just get up and leave the room. I find this helps big time. I wish you luck. But you are the only person you can change in a situation, and believe me it will be noticed.

A suggestion. When U 2 are alone and he isn't there (mentally). Pour your heart out to the wall. Softly and gently tell the wall how you feel. How you want to be treated. Your ENs, your fears, your hopes. Talk softly and slowly.

Don't expect the 'wall' to answer. Say your peace and then keep quite. It is better if you are already lying down then you can just close your eyes and sob yourself to sleep. Do it within ear shot and before he starts snoring. You want him to hear you but not direct it at him. Don't raise your voice. Shed a tear or 2 if you need to.

It worked for me.

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong>It worked for me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boy, I learned another Venusian problem solving. No wonder we, martian, never know what hit us ... LOL.

M&L,
How good is your plan A & how long already ?. No LB w/o Plan A is better than Plan A w/ full of LB, of course the best is Plan A w/o LB. SH would help you out ...

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">.....Boy, I learned another Venusian problem solving. No wonder we, martian, never know what hit us ... LOL......

-rh- </strong>[/QUOTE]

RH,
Didn't you know that on Mars, the male Martian doesn't have ears, their walls do. - LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Male Martians read lips but not very well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Thanks everyone! I have a hard time getting to the computer in privacy. I can read but posting is hard. Thanks for waiting for me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Trying to change them when they don't want to not only brings up you blood pressure, but makes you depressed and discussed. not worth it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope I am not trying to change him. I know that doesn't work. He has had the choice, and I thought accepted it, to change and he started and them stopped. I now know I can't live like this anymore. I will not try to change him and I will not live like this. (Sounds gutsy but I'm just realizing this so I may wobble a bit)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A suggestion. When U 2 are alone and he isn't there (mentally). Pour your heart out to the wall. Softly and gently tell the wall how you feel. How you want to be treated. Your ENs, your fears, your hopes. Talk softly and slowly.

Don't expect the 'wall' to answer. Say your peace and then keep quite. It is better if you are already lying down then you can just close your eyes and sob yourself to sleep. Do it within ear shot and before he starts snoring. You want him to hear you but not direct it at him. Don't raise your voice. Shed a tear or 2 if you need to.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I gotta say I thought this was a bit bizarre. And then I reread it. I may have to give this one a try. What have I got to lose? He can't ignore it. He may choose not to get involved but he can't run! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How good is your plan A & how long already ?. No LB w/o Plan A is better than Plan A w/ full of LB, of course the best is Plan A w/o LB. SH would help you out ...

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been on the self improvement (counseling and anti-dep meds) for well over a year. My attitude has changed so much and I feel so much better than before. I know I treat others so much better. I feel peaceful for the most part and feel like I have been more that fair in this marriage since d-day. I have changed and he has not changed much...only on the surface.

I had an appointment with SH today but he didn't show up. He was busy and it was half past the hour and his secretary called and said I could call then or reschedule. I will have to reschedule since my days are so busy with so many things that it is difficult to even figure out a good time for an appointment. That really was a bummer this morn. I was ready to talk to him. Oh well, a reason for everything.

H was on the computer all day and it drove me nuts. I hate it. I can't stand it when he just sits here and trades. Indescribable. If you have never dealt with an addiction it would be hard to understand. Yuk. And I have told him in every way I know that I don't like the behavior etc. but he won't quit. I have to take care of me and "me" can't take it anymore. Him and my mom get on the phone and talk stocks a lot and it makes me crazy. She knows I hate it too so she is real sneaky about calling sometimes. If I answer she won't ask for him but if she knows I am leaving she will call when I am gone. Stocks/computer trading is like OW to me. And it is right in front of me and under my nose. Mom is like EA. They have their little private thing on the side. It is sick-this whole thing is sick. I can't stand it.

Thanks everyone! I will check back tomorrow!