HI
I have posted before about my cheating w on her past affairs,and habitual lying. She has had several affairs in our 18 years. I have not accepted it,but have forgiven her,and after a break,she would start another emotional affair,and some became physical.
About 2 months ago,another guy was hiding his car out back while visiting her for over an hour at her job,and she had his phone number also.She got mad when I brought it up,and the guy seen how mad I was about him hanging out. She said she was losing interest in the marriage,and was not sure if she still love me anymore.
I believe she is confused,and co-workers,and these men who want sex from her are brainwashing her.She has admitted about the lies,and says there is nothing wrong with me,and knows she has a flirting problem that she cant control at times.
We have small financial problems,and we need to get out more,but the main problem is her desire to include other men in her life,and that is the main reason I believe causes her to lose interest in the marriage.I think she needs to stop this flirting for good,and not temporary,and she needs to give a lot of love,and attention to me,and the kids,and stop seaching else where. I have forgiven her plenty of times,and kept this marriage going. What can I say to make her give that effort?

Steve, I don't understand why you think she will change. She is what she is. She has been this way for years and has no reason to change. She must be happy living like this or she would have changed. You must accept that you can't change other people.

mistersteve

I am sorry to say that I have very grave concerns about your wife and her committment to the marriage...

Are you in any type of counseling...and is there anyway you could get counseling from this site...

Your wife's actions smack of such disrepectful game playing that I wonder if you have/can look at what role you are playing in her game and totally remove yourself..

I seem to recall a past theme and now the same theme of you often being aware of which dog is sniffing around ...sorry direpectful judgement... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and it seems that you often confront these other men..

and so the question is what do you gain from that confrontation...of intervening on a potential OP actions and also always having your wife see you intervening with them...

not a challenge or judgement...just a question...
is it possible that your wife not only gets off on the thrill of a new conquest...but also counts on your repeated role of confronting the potential OP....and "messing" things up..but really taking responsibility for her own actions..

does it feed in to the lines she can/would feed potentional OP..

see how controlling my husband is..
see how he doesn't understand my need for male friends...
see how he won't let me have my freedom...
gag gag gag

how many OP's have you had to confront?
even just the OP being witness to how mad you are and your wife's reaction...
I wonder how much of a role that plays in her game..

does she flirt extensivley with a man..
and makes it blatant to you...
so that you come in make a big scene at work...
does she thrive on that drama...and have no remorse....

I would seriously look at what patterns you participate in repeating and totally remove yourself from that equasion...

I also have concerns about your forgiveness...forgiveness is for those of us that are repentant..
what actions can you forgive when she keeps doing them...

men who want sex from her are brainwashing her.

wow big red flag on twisting reality...

your twisting of it....


I think she needs to stop this flirting for good,and not temporary,and she needs to give a lot of love,and attention to me,and the kids,and stop seaching else where.

this is really the crux of it and the saddest part...
there is nothing you can do about making her do these things...
nothing mistersteve..

I think you should really step up some 180's..
remove yourself totally from her employment and act as if you don't give a flying crappola about what she does at work...
that you should create a home life for those kids that is stable and fun and invite her along on the fun things...and go without her each time she refuses...

I think you should remove yourself from her whole equasion of her flirting and make a strong appearance that you want her home with you and love her...but her choices are hers and make it clear through your actions you can and will go on without her...

your wifes options are scary..the fact that she has created such a "reputation" for herself in the community...does not bide well for her if she was alone...
that she stands to lose a lot...

all of her own creation..

I don't think you should forgive her when she does it over and over...
it only serves to bite you in the butt and gives her "permission" to continue...oh mistersteve won't like it...but he will forgive me...

No powerstruggling over her flirting..speak your peace about it...and let it be..
No expectations but a loving home that you invite her into...
look at the old roles you played in her behavior...look for the same arguements you have had over and over and over with no results and let them go....

and seriously consider Plan B....in the near future.....

ark

mr S,
it sounds to me as if you just refuse to understand that you cannot control what another person does never mind what they may want to do.

what you can control is you and that's all!

besides, if youir W has been behaving in an inapropriate fashion for 18 years then you must have enabled her to do so by continuing to accept hert behavior, so why are you angry now?

apparently your W sees no reason to be any other person then the one she is and how you feel just doesn't seem to be an issue to her...your problem it would seem is how to change that.

after she cheated the first time did you insist that boundries with in the marriage be established? did you insist that she be accountable for her acts? have you ever made it absolutely clear to her that further betrayal on her part would have real consequences as far as you two being together are concerned? are you even ready to do that now?

look, if all you want to do is vent then that's OK. this is a great place to do it and you'll find plenty of folks who understand and will sympathize with you. but if you want to make your marriage different then i would respectfully suggest that you begin reading the material and learning the whys of what's going on and what you can do to change what's happening. that's my advice.

coach