Why has my marriage changed? I am lost in the feeling that my husband and I have turned into room mates with a ongoing routine that never ends. There is no more romance, surprise, passionate kissing, passionate love making, caring and worrying about each other, love letters, gifts, etc..

We have two kids 5 & 6 boys. We both work hard full-time. I come home to cooking, homework, cleaning etc.

Where is the love that we used to have. I have been confused as to as if to question if we still are IN LOVE or in obligation.

How do you know if the love is still there once you have turned into a routine. Or, is it not there anymore, but you are obligated because of the children.

Does everyone go through this or is it a sign that I am wasting my life with someone who eventually is going to leave?

Is it my imagination that the love has gone, or is it what happens when you get married and have children. In the beginning it was beutiful. I long for this again. I have tried, believe me, but something has changed.

Should I stay or should I go? Will it eventually become more love than routine? Does anyone know?

I long for someone from my past. I have spoke to him twice. I stopped calling because my heart melts when I speak to him. I am trying to see where my current life is leading me. Right now it seems very lonely. Any advice?

You didn't say, has there been some infidelity? Your marriage sounds like mine was before D-Day. I have since found out my H has been having affairs - three to be exact - in the past twelve years.

Let me answer a few of our questions and ask a few.

Why has my marriage changed?
Many reasons.

I am lost in the feeling that my husband and I have turned into room mates with a ongoing routine that never ends.
Because you are simply living life and not tending to the marriage. Plant a garden & it will grow. If you don’t take care of it, it will be overtaken by weeds, some plants will die, the fence will get broken, etc. Same as a marriage. People think once you are married, that is all there is to it. Live happily ever after. Doesn’t work that way.

There is no more romance, surprise, passionate kissing, passionate love making, caring and worrying about each other, love letters, gifts, etc..
What is stopping you from doing these things? Why don’t YOU send him a love letter once in a while?

We have two kids 5 & 6 boys. We both work hard full-time. I come home to cooking, homework, cleaning etc.
That is called life. It is something you will have to do with or without a husband.

Where is the love that we used to have. I have been confused as to as if to question if we still are IN LOVE or in obligation.
You made a decision to obligate your life to be with another. How you do it is up to you.

How do you know if the love is still there once you have turned into a routine. Or, is it not there anymore, but you are obligated because of the children.
If it’s not there then YOU need to do something to get it there.

Does everyone go through this
Most people do because they do NOT know what it really takes to have a long term relationship.

is it a sign that I am wasting my life with someone who eventually is going to leave?
Of course you are not wasting your life. Why do you think he would leave? What are YOU doing to make his life so special with you that leaving is not something he would even consider?

Is it my imagination that the love has gone, or is it what happens when you get married and have children.
As above, it is because you have not made your marriage a priority (not blaming you or your husband).

In the beginning it was beutiful. I long for this again. I have tried, believe me,
What have you tried?
Did you do something once and not get expected results then give up?

but something has changed.
See below...

Should I stay or should I go? Will it eventually become more love than routine? Does anyone know?
Do you want a tremendous heartbreak for everyone involved?

I long for someone from my past.
BAM! This is a big part of why you are feeling the way you do. It happens.
It is how you deal with it that really counts.

Any advice?
A few things you MUST do.
1 – Never see or speak with this person again.
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TELL HIM YOU HAVE ANY FEELINGS ABOUT HIM!!!!!

2 – Read the links below.
3 – You must tell you husband what you are feeling about your marriage.
4 – You must tell your husband what you are feeling about this other person (after you have read the articles on this site)
5 - Keep on posting and asking questions.

i don' normally post articles but I got this in my inbox today. I am not sure of your religious take on marriage but here goes. LONG

______________________________________________
Secret Choices
Life is a series of choices, most of them so small we scarcely realize that we're making them. Or why. Sometimes we call them "reactions" and disclaim responsibility for them, not recognizing that reactions are choices, too. We seldom give thought to where these small, secret choices are taking us and whether or not we want to go there. Though our choices are small when counted one at a time, their cumulative effect is more powerful than we can imagine. In reality, these private choices direct our steps, determine our behavior, change the quality of our relationships and in the end, shape our lives. Where are your choices taking you? Or more specifically, are your secret choices moving you in a positive direction toward a successful marriage?
• By Ed Wheat, M.D. and Gloria Okes Perkin
"This ... my lover, this my friend" (Song of Songs 5:16). We have another crucial question for you: What kind of emotional climate are you creating with your secret choices? Is it an environment of love, nurturing, and intimacy? Or, distance, neglect.... indifference?
Your first reaction may be to opt for a gray area somewhere in between. Couples sometimes answer, "Well, we're not doing all that great, but we're not doing so bad either. On a scale of one to ten, give us a five.
The truth is, you are continuing to move in one direction or the other, and at some point, however subtle the change, the scales will clearly shift to show what has been happening all along. Although you may not realize it, you are growing closer or drifting farther apart every day of your marriage. Even the smallest choice - whether to curl up next to your mate on the couch or plump down in a chair across the room - is taking you toward one of two opposing poles: emotional distance or intimacy.
Because of the demands of daily living, we can go for periods of time without realizing what is happening in our relationship. Sometimes we're not even aware of our secret choices because we assume ourselves to be something that we're not. We may pride ourselves on being the kind of marriage partner with a capacity for intimate closeness, but our actions communicate something quite different to our mate. We may describe ourselves as loving, nurturing individuals, but this has little effect on how we behave. Our will which decides what will happen - has chosen otherwise, and our conduct reflects our true choice.
This is why we emphasize the adjective secret when speaking of the choices that determine the success of our marriage. These choices, which take us in one direction or the other, happen on the inside first. Afterward, because of subtle clues communicated through our behavior and attitudes, our husband or wife can sense that change is taking place on the inside, 11 where the meanings are." Still later, the results (positive or negative) can be seen by all.
When changes are perceived as negative, the question is, Have we changed, or is our partner beginning to know us as we really are? After all, dating affords the opportunity to put on our nicest face, our most agreeable personality, and our best behavior. When we live together twenty-four hours a day in the bonding of marriage, such well-meaning pretense is no longer possible. Under the glare of reality, unrealistic expectations can cause many a problem and forge major obstacles to the enjoyment of intimacy. Because you can only build a rewarding, intimate relationship with a person who is well known to you and lovingly understood and accepted, it's important to learn to relate to the one you actually married, not to the idealized person you dreamed of marrying.
In real life your "prince" may refuse to hold hands with you at the park. Your "princess" may criticize you and take your boss's side. Your lover may roll over and go to sleep instead of cuddling you in his arms for a good-night chat. Your sweetheart may watch TV until 2:00 A.M. when you want her to go to bed with you at 10:00. It may not be as bad as that, or it might be worse. Any genuine relationship which offers the magic" of love also contains the seed of disappointments, flaws, and failures.
Few of us are aware of that reality at the beginning of marriage, for our expectations run high. When we meet the person who seems to fill in the lonely spaces in our heart, and the feeling is shared, we say it's too good to be true, but we believe that it is true anyhow! We desperately want to believe we have found the ideal love relationship which will fulfill all of our dreams. After marriage, when discontent slips in, when we discover that our partner is less than "a perfect fit" as a mate, and that our relationship is less than the perfection we counted on, this may disappoint us and disturb us, but it can also mark the beginning of our true love affair. Wisdom tells us that although life will not be a perpetual honeymoon, something much better, much richer, can be ours if we're willing to direct our secret choices toward building love-filled intimacy with the real person we married.
This means, of course, that we have to be real, too, and unafraid of revealing ourselves in an intimate relationship.
Nothing is more real than intimacy, and to build it in our marriage, we need to begin by converting our false assumptions about ourselves and our unrealistic expectations of our mate and marriage into reality-based thinking.
You may have had intimate friends who enriched your life, but this should surpass any other relationship, for intimacy in marriage is as close as two human beings can get. As the quote from the Song of Songs at the beginning of this chapter suggests, an intimate marriage involves two roles in combination: lover and best friend. Intimacy enjoyed in the security of marriage offers us the ultimate pleasures of life and, at the same time, heals our innermost loneliness as nothing else can.
To make the best choices for intimacy, it's necessary to grasp the key position of intimacy in a good marriage. This example from the world of architecture offers some interesting parallels. Picture a stone arch representing your love relationship. The stone looks strong enough, but in order to maintain its structure, this arch needs a keystone. Although the keystone is only one of a number of associated part, (just as intimacy is only one aspect of your relationship), it is the key element that holds the others together. It does this by causing the downward pressure on the arch to be evenly exerted throughout the whole structure.
The same thing happens when two people share everything in their lives through the experience of intimacy. All the pressures of life, bearing down on the marriage and on either or both of the partners, become evenly shared and their impact lessened by the presence of intimacy. Medical doctors have found that an intimate relationship between a husband and wife can determine how well that couple masters the crises of life. A high degree of intimacy can also provide shelter and relief from the ordinary tensions of life. Life becomes richer and more colorful when shared with an intimate partner; it offers love and laughter, pleasure and stability. In fact, we believe the secret of staying in love for any married couple can be summed up in this one potent word: intimacy.
Recall the picture of the arch: Its keystone fits into the top of the arch in the central position, strengthening the entire structure; at the same time it provides an ornamental touch. The keystone is seen by all, its decorative, and its essential When thinking of the opportunities to build intimacy in your relationship, remember the lesson of the keystone.
Intimacy in marriage can be defined this way: The intimate relationship of husband and wife is a deeply satisfying closeness of mind, heart, body, and spirit which is shared and experienced by two equals who relate as lovers and best friends in the permanent context of marriage.
But keep in mind that marriage never guarantees the delights of intimacy. If you read the current magazines, you know that couples seem to have great difficulty achieving this intimacy. Yet they all expect it, and, without it, marriages often disintegrate. Even in stable marriages, couples sometimes admit to an emptiness at the core of their relationship because one or both do not know how to become intimate lovers or are afraid to try.
You can be the happy exception. Be assured that God desires you to have the best, and in a world of shifting relationships, the two of you can experience an ongoing, always growing intimacy which is so different from the norm that a world of lonely people will want to know your secret.
The secret involves understanding the inmost workings of an intimate relationship and then learning to make moment-by-moment choices based on your knowledge, like a good athlete making the right moves without conscious decisions because he or she has thought it all through ahead of time.
One thing is certain: You cannot create intimacy by making an intellectual choice to do it. You can love someone with unconditional love by the choice of your will and continue to do so, whether or not the person responds. But it takes two for intimacy, and response is its "life blood." How then can you use your secret choices to obtain intimacy? By doing those things which will enhance it, promote it, and give it room to grow. By providing an emotional climate which will nurture it in your marriage and cause it to grow.
Here are the guidelines we have found helpful in understanding intimacy and "growing it" in marriage.
TEN GUIDELINES FOR INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE
1. Always remember that intimacy depends on the experience of shared feelings.
Intimacy is experiential in nature. It is not perceived in the mind as something that should be there: It is felt instinctively and viscerally. You know intuitively - your feelings tell you -whether your intimacy is flourishing or fading. You know if something is wrong between you, and you feel relief the moment everything is all right again. In this private, most personal relationship, the two of you become so finely tuned to one another that you can be constantly alert and responsive to one another's fluctuations of feeling and well-being at any given moment.
2. Learn, by practice, to express your inner feelings to one another.
In shallow relationships, not much exchange of information about inner selves takes place. By contrast, in a meaningful relationship, people reveal how they feel and why, sharing their personal history of sorrows, joys, accomplishments, disappointments, changes, and growth.
A common problem with this sharing is that the husband may find it difficult to talk about his feelings. It's been along-held notion that women are more emotional than men, but this is only part truth, if truth at all. According to recent research, men and women respond emotionally to events with equal intensity. The real difference is that women are more able to describe their responses and reactions in emotional terms. Women can usually tell you what they're feeling at the moment. A man can talk about what's happening, but may have difficulty expressing how he feels about it.
3. Display a mutual respect for one another, a mutual hunger to know one another better, and a growing delight in one another.
Intimacy develops between two respected equals who share their inner lives because they want to, because they have a vital interest in one another's thoughts and feelings. If one partner is seemingly not interested, the effect may be withdrawal on the other side too.
4. Remember that sex is no substitute for intimacy.
This is something that women understand, but men sometimes do not. Women have both the need and desire to relate in other ways before they are ready for sex. They tend to be social before they are sexual; in contrast, men have been conditioned to be primarily sexual and to express their needs for intimacy through intercourse.
For instance, when a man comes home to his wife after a week away on business, she wants to hug him and kiss him and talk to him and feel close to him again. He wants to regain closeness by immediately having intercourse with her. She's hurt because "all he wants is my body." He's hurt because she has misunderstood his attempt to be intimate through sexual lovemaking, and he feels rejected.
Men may see no fine shade of difference between sex and intimacy, but their wives will, unless sex takes place after the exchange of mutual tenderness in an environment of emotional closeness. Impersonal sex intensifies loneliness; true sexual intimacy has great power to refresh the entire marriage.
5. Fill your marriage with tender, nonsexual physical touching.
Consider the dictionary definition of caress: An act of endearment, a tender or loving embrace. To touch, stroke, pat -tenderly, lovingly, or softly. This is what we are suggesting: touching as a communication of private intimacy, not as a sexual signal. Try hugs, holding hands, and all the gentle gestures which say so much. Even a smile or a wink across the room builds the enjoyment of intimacy. Eye contact provides the spark of understanding that you need. Hold hands when you pray; take time for closeness morning and night; sit so that you are touching in some way instead of choosing chairs across the room; leave each other and greet each other with a special kiss. This kind of touching becomes the tangible base of your intimate relationship.
We will have more to say about touching in the next chapter, for it is also an important part of nurturing.
6. Maintain the we perspective.
When we talk to couples who are having problems with intimacy, invariably their sentences begin with I.
Seldom, if ever, do they use we. People who are only interested in themselves just do not have the capacity to build an intimate relationship, even though they may crave the benefits of intimacy.
7. Communicate approval and acceptance of one another.
Everyone fears disapproval, especially from the one we love most. This fear is probably the greatest hindrance to intimacy in an otherwise good marriage. As a husband explained, "It isn't that my wife rejects me. She's really very loving. But she's always pointing out to me - in a nice way, of course - what I did wrong or what I should have done instead. I get so tired of the feeling that she's disapproving of me. I know I don't quite measure up, and I can't enjoy being close to her anymore."
Granted, you will have differences of opinion and even strong clashes as you learn to resolve conflicts in your new life together. But you need to communicate an approval and acceptance of one another that runs far deeper than these surface matters. When you disagree on an issue, do it gently in a respectful way. Always discuss in the context of love for your partner, which is more important than the issue at hand.
Also remember that the major impact of communication comes from body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. You may be communicating disapproval in those modes even though your words say something else. Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.
8. Recognize and overcome fear of intimacy by building trust in actions, words, and attitudes.
Although people need and even long for intimacy, they sometimes react to it with fear. Or withdraw if it becomes a possibility. Why? Because intimacy represents a mutual need for closeness, and people are often afraid to need someone else. In the past they may have been let down and disappointed by those they depended on (sometimes parents), and they do not want to risk it again. Or they are afraid of revealing their true self to their lover (a necessity in an intimate relationship), afraid that if the lover knew what was 'behind the mask" they would be abandoned.
Other related fears include fear of criticism, fear of rejection, and fear of being used. All these fears can be put under one umbrella labeled: I am afraid of being hurt.
Without trust, no real emotional intimacy is possible. To build this trust in your relationship, follow these basic principles:
a. Always be very kind to one another.
b. Never reject the other, or shut the door to touching, talking, or sharing your life with your mate.
c. Build trust through faithfulness. (See chapter three of our new-marriage handbook, The First Years of Forever.)
9. Maintain the spirit of discovery in your relationship.
When you married, each of you left your old world to form anew one together. You have entered into a new reality where two are in the process of becoming one. And the new world you longed for when you fell in love is now yours for the taking. It's up to you to explore the territory, take dominion over it, and make it what you both want it to be. Think of yourselves as pioneers who, because you are entering new territory, must explore it and establish your lives in the new world.
10. Follow the pattern of Ephesians 4:22 - 24 in making your choices for intimacy.
Begin by considering what will happen if you ignore the need to create an emotional climate of intimacy in your relationship. The alternative is emotional distance, with its inevitable components of disinterest, or distrust, or even dislike and open hostility. The prefix dis generally denotes separation, negation, or reversal. If the two of you want to build a love-filled, lasting marriage, it's safe to assume that you don't want separation from one another, or negatives in your relationship, or reversals of all you have hoped for.

To my knowledge there has not been any infidelity. I had felt at one point that he was attracted to someone at his former job. The signs were there, but no proof. Maybee it was my imagination.

He also hurt me back in 1999. His ex-wife came into town with his daughter who was 10 at that time. I was called a tag along because I wanted to be with him while he was with her. I felt bad and cryed alot. He would see her while I was at work (of course it was to see his kid). But, at one point there was a message on the machine when we both had arrived home after work that his daughter needed him because she was sick. Right away he was going to go so I got ready and he asked where was I going. He said that I did not have to go everywhere with him. He left at 7 pm and came back at 12 am. His sister was there though, but she is another story, because we have not got along very well. I stayed home like a stupid and whatever I trusted him.

I wonder about these two incidences alot. Especially when we argue. The past has been rocky. Since we moved to Orlando three years ago it has been better, but we almost got separted. His choice to call me at work and say "I think we should separate", all over his sister, who is very controlling over him. I cryed and begged like a stupid again. He stayed I changed. Here we are.

I have tried all the time to put the romance back. I have talked to him about the changes happening. He always pins the blame on me. I started it. Then I think then it is me the whole time and I become confused. I change. It starts all over again.

I start to miss someone that maybe I should not miss. That is why I have not called him. I am "waiting". For what? I have no idea. Lost in limbo. Waiting for some sign to tell me what I should do.

To my knowledge there has not been any infidelity.
At least physical infidelity. Looks like an emotional affair happened (or maybe almost).

Waiting for some sign to tell me what I should do.
The sign is you being here. Marriage Builders
I recommend you read "Give & Take" and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley.
Also, read the articles on this site (not just the forums/message boards).

Here I go rambling as usual...

sado,

Just to think out loud a little...
I guess I'm not surprised but more saddened when people talk about marriage as if it is some tangible item that exists on its own...that we get a marriage..
we have a marriage...
all as if it is a noun..
and marriage in my opinion and one that serves me best in having a fullfilling marriage is that it is 1000% a verb...

our marriages are totally our own responsibility to create and maintain...

and as Chris pointed out it takes great tending to..
it's not as much as a mystery when we view marriage as continual work in progress.

The honest to God truth about what you believe existed when first married or when first dating existed soley on the fact that you two created it...
quit the creation of romance and passion and it will not be around...

And the other thing that I believe with all my heart that so much of the fullfillment of our marriages is based on our own attitudes towards it...

that each of us (so this means that I am talking to you since you posted) need to make sure that our attitudes are in the right position to be giving even when we don't always feel like giving...and to be receptive even when we don't feel receptive...

Even the attitude towards coming home to cooking and cleaning is a choice...do you see it as a chore and never ending or do you see it as a labor of love...regardless of what he does...you still have to come and do it...what is your attitude about it...

Do you view spending alone time with your husband after the kids are in bed as a your and his time...to reconnect and spend time together...and talk or whatever....or do you let each day slip by without reconnecting because that's what has become the norm...

Do you create an environment in which there is time to show eachother how important each is on your lives...

Now to you more personally...

Why do you hold on to something your husband did back in 1999...what do you gain from holding on to that pain and how does punishing him still for something he did almost four years ago serve either of you?

I mean the real issue is how is he with the ex-wife today in the year 2003...does he still exclude you so much...or has that gotten better..
if better why hold on to bad past behavior...
how would it feel for you to live under the knife for some thing you did years ago...

Also for every minute you spend in mental fantasy land with the man from your past day dreaming about what might have been...or even more terrifying to you and your children...what might be...robs your marriage...the thing you are mourning right now of your time, energy, and emotion...

you and none of us can have it both ways...

If you change your attitued even a little at first....for you....with no strings attached but because it can lighten your burden even a little bit...

then you will come to find the more you do that...the more you will seek to create that each day...and for your husband and marriage as well...

And i get the stress...
we have three kids the oldest is five...
OLDEST IS FIVE!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
that makes me certifiably insane at any given moment...
but it also motivates me even more to make my marriage fullfilling to me and him...and our family...

Should I stay or should I go? Will it eventually become more love than routine? Does anyone know?

what a strange conclusion to come to at the end of your post..
not what can I do to make my marriage the marriage I want...
but should I go???

we celebrated our 12th anniversary this past Sunday....
and yeppers both of us would say our marriage has changed...
gets better and better all the time...

blessings to you..
you know the easy route is to run..
run from these replies you have gotten
even easier to run from your marriage...but you aren't running from a marriage that exists on it's own..
you would be running from a marriage that you played 100% in creating...
and so even if you ran..
you won't have learned anything..
you would just be taking with you what you haven't learned...

ARK