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Joined: Nov 2003
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Hi Everyone, I've been lurking here on the MB boards for several weeks now. Have done extensive reading on the MB web site; ditto on the forums. I posted once about my personal situation and was scared away from posting again. But I kept reading. And I've learned a lot.
My offense was seven years ago when I was dating my husband. I kissed another man one night and have always regretted it. I never mentioned it to my husband until a couple months ago.
I was always horrified that it could have happened. Then a couple years ago, after married, I was at a party and flirted with another man. No kissing or groping, etc., but still, it was wrong.
Both incidents involved alcohol. And I'm not a drinker. I realize the drinking magnified some really deeply-seeded insecurities stemming from long-term childhood sexual abuse. NO! Don't blast me! I know I'm responsible for my actions regardless.
Neither of these incidents happened in a vacuum. There were so many things I have been trying to understand about myself, my husband, etc. I've always felt we have a relationship that few others have. I've always tried to be a good and loving wife. And I do love him, more than I know how to even say. Which is why I had do much difficulty understanding my own actions.
I entered a rather deep depression a couple months ago to which I have been very seriously struggling to emerge. I'm finally having good days again.
The odd thing is that my husband is the one who's actually been bothered on and off with depression for the past five years. It was a year-long bout three years ago that preceeded the party-flirt incident. In case anyone is wondering, it was a ridiculously random flirt with someone I barely knew and never saw again after.
But he paid attention to me. And it was just about the only attention I had had for months. When depressed, as is usual in depressives, my husband withdraws. By withdrawing, I mean not only no sex, but little converstion. No little hugs when we pass in the hallway. No winks from across the room. Anyway, I'm trying to learn better ways to cope with those times. During that worst year, I took it all personally as if he were rejecting me. I know now that was not the case.
But when he's not down, life is fantastic. I couldn't wish for a better best friend.
Anyway, I know I'm rambling, but I just needed to express myself. My husband knows of both incidents and forgives and trusts me. I know. I am lucky.
The issue I've been struggling with is feeling that I do not deserve him. He is a wonderful man. And I want to put this back me and move forward. So many web sites I've seen talk about the twisted morals of anyone who could ever be unfaithful to someone they love. The lack of character and humanity. I have always striven to be a good, moral and upright individual.
I found something different here. One of the responses to my original post almost ripped my heart out and made me question my husband's forgiveness. But after reading other posts, I do see that forgiveness can be real.
And after reading posts of other WS, and recognizing their worth -- simply through their words -- I have found hope.
I made two terrible misstakes, risking everything that is most important in my life. But that hopefully doesn't make me a terrible person.
And even though I don't agree with everything I read, I'm thankful to everyone for sharing.
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Joined: Apr 2003
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Both minor infractions......wrong ones, but very minor....they happened a long time ago......what would bringing any of that to life make better? Just let it go and dont do any of that again. Some things really are left better unsaid. It does sound like you are a woman of great integrity, but in this case spilling those tiny beans would not make anything better, only worse. Let it go. God Bless. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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Joined: Feb 2003
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alegna,
Think of these incidents as a lesson learned. Anyone can be vulnerable to an A. I agree with StartinOver that these were minor infractions. So use them as a lesson on how to keep your boundaries firm. I hope that your husband seeks help for the depression. I think that could do much to boost your marriage/
Dobie
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Joined: Nov 2003
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Thanks StartinOver and Dobie/
Your replies are really appreciated. I have tried to convince my husband to get help with the depression. He saw a therapist twice, but only because I pressed him so. That was earlier this year. The depression lifted. And then it hit me! But what I experienced was much worse than his. He has more of a cyclical milder kind of depression that he describes as a "dark cloud" that hangs over him. Thank goodness he's been better for the past six months.
Anyway, I'm seeing a therapist now actually. It does help.
Thanks again. Reading here has helped show me ways that I can improve my marriage-
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Joined: Sep 2003
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Alegna
“He has more of a cyclical milder kind of depression that he describes as a "dark cloud" that hangs over him.”
Medication can reduce the severity or potentially eliminate H cyclical depression. “Light” therapy can also be used to minimize seasonal depression. There are options other than traditional psychotherapy that may be more appealing to him. I guess, I am concerned that H may go through long periods of withdrawal and you may become vulnerable again.
Perhaps I am reading more into the situation than is actually present.
You are a thoughtful and kind person and I wish the very best for you and H.
Beau
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Joined: Aug 1999
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Alegna,
Why don't you ask your H to accompany YOU when you go to the doc to get your depression treated? Have the Doc, discuss with both of you what the symptoms are, how the new medicine works, how long it takes to take affect, what the side effects are, what the usual results are, and HOW and IF taking the medicine can be stopped once you start. I suspect a lot of your H's concerns will be addressed and he just might feel comfortable enough to address his depression as you do yours. I know as a male, it is hard for us to admit we have depression. It is sort of a "female" disease. Now if the cause of the depression is obvious even men <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> will consider meds. Affairs, loss of a loved one, but for day to day stuff it is hard for us to admit.
One, last thing. You said you struggle with the thought that you don't deserve him. I would like to suggest that you are right, but not for the reason you think. Your H is in your life because HE wants to be, NOT because you are deserving, but because you are who you are. He obviously has a strong attachment to you, and it is HIS call as to weather he stays or goes. You have the same call.
So just step back a second and realize that you two are together because BOTH of you want to be. This is not a case of deserves, but of case of desires. He desires you in his life.
Your transgressions have been forgiven. You have been honest with him and he has continued to desire you in his life. Clearly you provide him with the partner he needs and wants, so you are where you are supposed to be. So face up to it, you are wanted and I don't mean on the post office wall. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
God Bless,
JL
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Very insightful, Just Learning, in reference to the issue regarding whether or not I "deserve" my husband.
Honestly, I've struggled with these types of feelings for years, even when I can't pinpoint anything in particular that I've done wrong. I'm also hyper-sensitive to guilt. Meaning, I feel guilty over things that the rational portion of my mind tells me I actually shouldn't feel guilty over. But the guilt still comes.
Anyway, I believe it's a common theme for sexual abuse survivors. I'm just now for the first time in my life trying to deal with these issues. If there is anyone else "out there" who relates to this and feels it affects their marital relationship in anyway, I would love to hear from you.
Regarding the sharing of therapy time, I would really rather not. My husband was the first person I ever opened up to about the abuse. And he was wonderful. And even though I know I can talk to him about it today, I would really rather work it out with a therapist. My husband is a shoulder to lean on, but I need a bit more than that now. And this is primarily what my sessions involve now.
Sorry if this got a bit too off topic.
Thanks again, everyone, for responding.
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JL, sorry, I realize I misread your reply. I'm not actually on any meds... trying to muddle through with therapy since it's the first time I've experienced anything like this. My MD advised me to do it this way. And my husband, he's really not open to meds. We've talked about it several times.
Thanks for the suggestion though!
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Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
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alegna,
I know you are not on meds. My thinking was that men really try to avoid using them. IF your Doc (not your counselor) could discuss with the both of you the pro's and con's even methods to avoid meds, it might help your H face his depression as well as inform you. Further, my thinking is that this would become a team effort on the part of both of you, to help the other when the depression does show up.
As for the abuse issues, I am not qualified in way shape or form to help you with those. There are several posteres here who have endured childhood abuse, and their spouse have had to deal with A's that really seem to be the result of the unresolved issues associated with this abuse. Stunned_Dad is on of the men, and SadandHurt is the other BS. S&H's W posts here, and Stunned-Dad's W Bunches posts here sometimes.
This group might be of some use to you with this issue.
But, do one thing. Open up to your H about your uncertainty about you deserving him. Once he is aware of your feelings I suspect he will do his best to reassure him. BUT, there is something you need to do as well. You need to reassure him you want HIM as your H. You may not realize this, but you hold amazing power over him. He needs your reassurances far more than you realize. However, if you give them to him, you will tap into a lot of strength (yours and his). He will do all he can to help you in anyway you need IF he knows you love him.
I know it sounds backwards, but often the people you lean on the most do need to be reassured of the love you have for them, and that they are not being used.
alegna, I wish you the best as you address your abuse issues. I don't know much, but I do know they can be very deep and pervasive. So address them carefully.
Take good care of your H and let him take good care of you.
God Bless,
JL
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I appreciate everything you've shared, Just Learning.
I have been very open with my husband about the issue of deserving. And he has tried to reassure me at least a thousand times that I shouldn't worry about such a thing. And I do tell him how much I love him, respect him, and how blessed I am in that he chooses to be with me.
My therapist has told me that my recent bout of doubt (by far not the first, but in terms of intensity - winner by a long run) and insecurity is the "depression talking". I wish it would shut up.
Thanks for "listening"...
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