Hi, I'm new to the message board. I have a question that has probably been asked a million times. What exactly would be considered cheating. My h before we were married, but while we were living together, kissed another girl, then after we were married a few years back started talking to an old friend of his that got pretty heavy. About 9 months ago they were chatting and they started sayin ILY a lot which I know what it means and they were planning on getting together. But some of the things he said to her were pretty close to the line. Besides the ILY's there were, maybe someday we'll be together and she was sending him love cards and emails (back and forth) with crap about me being a "*****" and such and when and how they could get together. I am so lost, I want to believe he truly loves me but when he tells someone else that, how can I believe he's telling me the truth. I only know what was said b/c I logged his chats so I could catch him, which I know was wrong but I had to know the truth. He says he wants to stay with me and our 3 kids but I'm not so sure he didn't sleep with her when he had the chance and I'm not so sure he don't still call her and say all the stuff he said before. Would it be considered cheating? I don't know, I am so lost and confused.

AKling:

Welcome 2 Marriage Builders! You've come 2 just the right place for the answers you seek. Have you looked up the articles about infidelity on the home page? That would be a great place 2 start. Others here can help you figure out what you're next plan should be. Have you considered counseling? There are all kinds of "qualities" of counselors out there. It can take 4 or 5 before you find one you can work with.

It sounds like your husband (H) is having an emotional affair (EA), and possibly a physical one (PA). People tend 2 get in2 EAs without realizing it, because they don't understand their boundaries of appropriate behavior and before they know it, they've long-since crossed them. Both EAs and PAs are very harmful 2 the marriage (M) and the betrayed spouse (BS). Affairs (As) typically require 2-5 years of hard work 2 recover from, 2. The rewards are amazing if you go that route, though.

best,
-ol' 2long

All red flags a flying. Most definately an EA in progress. Can't comment on PA, but give it time. Get help immediately, start reading and try to get involved to slow it down. I know where you are and it *ucks. Hang in there, and work hard to get your marriage back on track. Something is making him wander, find out what it is? good luck and god bless....

I guess maybe I just didn't want to admit to myself that it was an EA. We've been married 12 years and I never dreamt he would do this. But you are so right, I need to figure out what is wrong in our marriage. I know we are not the same people we were when we got married and kids have added to the stress, but he is military so that adds to it to. I am a SAHM and frustrated, not to mention overweight b/c of 4 babies. I know I need to feel better about myself and wonder if that is not 1/2 the problem, the way I feel about me. Maybe I am pulling away b/c of my self image. I have been working so hard to make it work, but sometimes I feel like he isn't trying. I spose since he knows nothing about these posts I should really talk to him about the marriage builders program, I know he don't like therapists so that is out of the question but if we can use the tools from this site, maybe just maybe we can find what we lost. Thanks for making things a little clearer to my question and helping me to decide what to do now.

Dear akling:

I highly recommend 3 things for you to do:

1. The first thing you should do is go to the bookstore section here and order the book "Surviving an Affair". You and your H should read this book. It is very helpful to both spouses when there has been infidelity in a M.

2. Print the EN questionnaires and LB questionnaires from this website. Print a set for your H as well. Take the time to fill them out and share them with one another. These questionnaires can give you invaluable insight into what is important to you and him and what might have been missing in your marriage.

3. The last thing you should do is encourage your H to write a NC letter. You can found out about these in the basic concepts section as well as in SAA. He needs to send this no contact letter to the OW as soon as possible and then block her email address from all computers, delete her email address, and any other ways he might be able to communicate with her. This includes instant messaging, cell phone calls, pager numbers, etc.

Time is a great healer but it takes a lot of it. He is the only one who is responsible for his actions and he is the only one who can rebuild your trust by his ACTIONS!

Good luck to you, and keep posting, it is very helpful.

BTW, YES, it was an affair.
DB

I think it would also help for you to do a really good Plan A.

Plan A is designed to work on making you a better person. You need to feel better about yourself. Stop the LBs, get out and exercise (which I know is hard with two kids, let alone, 4), do something for yourself to make you feel better: a new top, a new haircut, manicure, etc.

You need a boost in the self confidence department! So do one thing today for you only!
Report back to us what you are going to do!

We care!
DB