I'm not going to bored you with my story, it is much like everybody else on here except for the fact that W have an emotional affair with a guy from the internet eventhough she never seen him or his picture (I don't think that he seen her either because she is very conscientious of how she looks). We live in the east and he lives in the west as far as I know it is only EA and not PA. She told me more than a year ago that she no longer love me and etc..Lately, she has shown signs that she might be thinking about reconcile. This has happened before so I'm very cautiously optimistic. How do you deal with a person who saids that emotionally, they left a long time ago?

Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

James it's been my experience and that of others that the more you pursue a person the more she or he will usually flee, and that when you stop pursuing and start showing signs of moving on with your life, that she or he will usually turn around and start chasing you. But this usually happens ONLY after the BS makes peace with the possibility that the marriage may indeed end and does not dread a life without his or her spouse.

Even if your WW were to change her mind about divorcing you and wanting to reconcile, BOTH of you gain absolutely nothing in returning to the way things were before her affair. Why? because those marriages were the affair is swept under the rug later on end because the causes that lead to the affair were never addressed and resolved. So if you want a marriage that is better than the one prior to her affair, then you must not settle for anything less than her ending her affair with the OM, and her total committment toThe Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage. .
To summarize:

1. Conquer your fear of divorce.

2. Avoid all love busters.

3. And don't settle to going back to the old marriage.

<small>[ December 12, 2003, 11:52 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

TMCM,

Thank you for your wise advice. I'm coming to term with the divorce proceeding. When I asked her about the EA that she had. She said that because emotionally, she left the marraige along time ago so the feeling that she had for this guy does not intefered with the feeling she had for me since they are 2 separate issue. It is true in what she said? I'm having a very hard time accepting that her fantasy feeling for OM has nothing to do with what is happening wiht us. By the way, we also have 2 young children, D 4 yrs and S 1yrs have been married for 8 years and together for 15.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jamesp:

She said that because emotionally, she left the marraige a long time ago so the feeling that she had for this guy does not intefered with the feeling she had for me since they are 2 separate issue. It is true in what she said? I'm having a very hard time accepting that her fantasy feeling for OM has nothing to do with what is happening wiht us.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh I agree absolutely that her affair had a lot on her view that she left the marriage emotionally a long time ago, because if that was the case then she would have walked away from the marriage way before the affair came to be. You've got to remember that rewritting history is one of the things WS do in order to justify their affairs, and your W's comments certainly reflect this. A good question to ask your W is the following: "If you emotionally left the marriage a long time ago, then why did you wait until you had an affair before thinking about ending the marriage?" and listen to the answer she gives you. Chances are that it will reinforce what you already know and that the affair WAS the reason why she wants out of the marriage.

TMCM,

I have asked her that question before, her answer was that he just happen to be there at the right place and the right time. She said that she would have left me even if this guy was not in the picture. I find that it is very odd that the time line between when she told me that the no longer love me was right at the same time that she admitted to have feeling to this guy. I also confront her with this and she said that is was just a coincident, for whichI find very hard to believe also.

TMCM,

One thing I really don'y understand about this kind of affair is that, how could a loving wife and mother decided give up everything that we built for the fantasy that she might never get (they never even seen each other even pictures). and she is willing to give everything....and for what? it is so stupid to me...we have had our problems, but then again who doesn't? I always thought that marriage is a life time commitment and that it is for richer and poorer. whatever happen to the promised you made in front of God and your family and friends? Sorry I'm just ranting here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

TMCM,

Matter of fact, two nights ago she was asking me to remind her of some of the goodtimes we had since she can't remember any of it. I then proceed to tell her some, she addmitted the there were goodtimes in our marraige then she also said that it was underlined with sadness. I told her that the feeling that she had could have been colored by the way she feel but she swore to me that the it was adn that she was always sad, I then ask her why she wanted to have children with me if she was always sad and she couldn;t anser that question.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jamesp:

One thing I really don'y understand about this kind of affair is that, how could a loving wife and mother decided give up everything that we built for the fantasy that she might never get (they never even seen each other even pictures). and she is willing to give everything....and for what? it is so stupid to me...we have had our problems, but then again who doesn't? I always thought that marriage is a life time commitment and that it is for richer and poorer. whatever happen to the promised you made in front of God and your family and friends? Sorry I'm just ranting here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">James

Conversation is the second most important EN(emotional need) of most women. Here's what Dr Harley says about it from his book 'His Needs Her Needs':

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Conversation. He sets aside time every day to talk to her. They may talk about events in their lives, their children, their feelings, or their plans. But whatever the topic, she enjoys the conversation because it is never judgemental [Do you beleive her OM was ever judgemental when he talked with her?], always informative and constructive. She talks to him as much as she would like, and responds with interest. He is never too busy "to just talk".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do some serious soul searching and ask yourself if you truly were meeting her EN for conversation?