It has been 2 months since D-day. This came after almost a year of MC to deal with issues of the M. Naturally, MC progress was slow and appeared to be a waste once the A was discovered as WS was caught lieing and directing energy and affection towards OM. My initial reaction to learning of the A was to fight and give all I could, using the communication techniques learned in MC, here, and through books like "Not Just Friends" and "The Monogamy Myth."

After weeks of WS being in the fog and me being on the emotional roller coaster, I've reached a place (thanks to anti-deps) where I have some sense of self control. Now, all the things that were wrong with the M in the first place are coming back to the surface and I find myself becoming ambivalent about the future. WS does nothing to meet my EN's with regard to the A, though it supposedly has ended. Sure, she answers the questions (without detail) but she hasn't a clue about what I'm really going through and I can't seem to communicate it effectively without it turning into a (well communicated) blamefest. I've tried sharing some of the things I've read in an effort to help her understand what I am going through, but the efforts were met with indifference. And In the interest of not being parental, I've ceased trying.

I'll add that she has expressed a desire to stay and work on the M, though there really hasn't been any sort of commitment made except to tell me she doesn't know if she can ever regain the love.

So, essentially nothing in our M has changed except we've added the element of an affair to the top of the pile. Is it possible to work on the M without fully dealing with the fallout of the A? Can they be done simultaneously? Unfortunately, the longer we go without dealing with either, the easier it's becoming for me accept the idea of moving on.

Any thoughts and input very welcome.

Comanche

Hi Comanche,

The state of 'mind' or lack there of where your W is at present appears to be in the stage of recovery that could cause her to backslide. Remember that the recovery maybe at least twice as long as the length of the A.

Given the above, right now will be hard for you. Why? The WS is home. The WS thinks her job and contribution to recovery is done. You have been home and her contribution of body but not mind, heart and soul is not there and you just don't feel good about 25% commitment.

The Ws often says, 'well at least I am here'. Most BS consider it a slap in the face. Though we previously thought that w/b enough to survive.

Now you don't want to survive. In reality, you don't need a WS to survive, you need a loving spouse.

So your boundaries now are starting to show. Do you know what they are?

I recommend you give Steve, Jennifer or Cerri a call. You are the one who now needs help. Your needs can't be supressed much longer. Get ahold of the book his needs/her needs by Dr W. Harley. Get on some phone counseling.

Learn how to let your W know that her recovery is not over. She can not expect you to 'just get over it and move on.' Nope. Recovery is needed on both ends. Both of you have a ways to go.

Don't settle for less than you deserve. By that I mean, don't let her settle for the 25% contribution when you and your family need 100% from all members.

One way I found was to let my WS know that the fix required input and support from all. I used to include the finger pointing (or extending hand of support) to and from all of us. This type of stragety makes it hard for the WS to point fingers or say you are picking on them.

JMHO,
L.

Comanche while you can't force her to write a NC(no contact) letter and commit to follow The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage. , you can convey to her that if she did these things it would convince you that there is hope for the marriage. Can you do that?

mr. C,
what do you expect? that your W will sudennly back off and apologize for her behaviore? NO she won't not at this point any way.

you are looking for affirmation of who you are and what she did and she isn't about to give you anything...not at this point...BUT...if you stay the course and just back off a bit maybe she will come to understand how she's errored...but get this...it's not you that can bring this to her attention... this is something that she will have to conclude on her own.

my advice is to just stay the course. be loving and understanding and try to help her forgive herself for her foolish acts.

coach

to help her get to thisd point you should really remain in plan A, so that she can begin to understand what she did. right nowe all she will do is foind ways to justify her acts, your jober is to show her that she was wrong...by example!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong>The state of 'mind' or lack there of where your W is at present appears to be in the stage of recovery that could cause her to backslide. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are absolutely correct Orchid. One of the big issues in our M before A was the fact that I felt I could not express my negative emotions without causing undue stress on her. Even communicated effectively with respect and honesty, WS takes everything on personally to a fault. Now, we are back to square 1 in that she continues to take it all on herself and I'm left not being able to "get things out".
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>So your boundaries now are starting to show. Do you know what they are?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm afraid I don't - at least I'm not 100% sure. Any advice on how to determine them?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I recommend you give Steve, Jennifer or Cerri a call. You are the one who now needs help. Your needs can't be supressed much longer. Get a hold of the book his needs/her needs by Dr W. Harley. Get on some phone counseling.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good advice. Thanks. As for the NC letter, that took the form of a breakup meeting 2 months ago. Truth is, I feel that if she wanted to keep the A going, she could find new ways to hide it. So I don't put a lot of value in a NC letter or call or meeting or whatever. I feel it's all just lip service for the moment and the truth comes out in actions over time. That said, She hasn't given me any reason to believe she is still seeing him but she's slow to alleviate my fears.

"Staying the course" is my problem. As time goes on, I keep coming back to the original issues with the M, now with the added fun of the A. It's very difficult to continue life "as before" without wanting major changes. Funny thing is, we both want them. We just can't figure out how to chip away the wall. MC isn't helping - we nod and learn and it's all good while we are in the office but it's get's forgotten as soon as we leave. I also have a problem since I discovered she lied extensively in MC prior to D-day.

Thanks for the advice...

Comanche

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Orchid: So your boundaries now are starting to show. Do you know what they are?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Comanche:I'm afraid I don't - at least I'm not 100% sure. Any advice on how to determine them?

Orchid: Write down how you were at d/d vs now. Notate any changes in your thought process. What you did tolerate vs now and what you thought you wouldn't that you now do. Also, take the EN questionnaire, ask your W do to so and if she doesn't you take it as how you know her to be. There is no wrong or right in this questionnaire just an eye opener of sorts.

Know that you can't control her thoughts, actions nor can you change her. On the other hand neither can she do those things to you.

Comanche: "Staying the course" is my problem. As time goes on, I keep coming back to the original issues with the M, now with the added fun of the A. It's very difficult to continue life "as before" without wanting major changes. Funny thing is, we both want them. We just can't figure out how to chip away the wall. MC isn't helping - we nod and learn and it's all good while we are in the office but it's get's forgotten as soon as we leave. I also have a problem since I discovered she lied extensively in MC prior to D-day.

Orchid: R U sure she is on the same page with you about what you want? Or is this very wishful thinking? I have been there done that and come to realize that unless I see the actions to match what I think I see, I can't believe the subliminal thoughts. Why? Too much fog can distort the transmission - LOL!!!

Now it is all the more reason to get on the phone counseling. In the privacy at your own home, in your room and even in your 'jammies' you can have support from Steve, Jennifer or Cerri. There will be no place to leave it all behind. This may be helpful.

take care and take it 1 day at a time for now.

L.