Hi Sally.
Are you still coming to this Message Board?
You haven't written for a long time about how you and your husband are doing?
Is your marriage healing?

Did eliminating your secret e-mail account stop the e-mailing between you and the OM?
Or did you e-mail him again from another account?
Have you heard from him since the letter you posted here for us to read?
Is the OM still a part of your life?
(Even though you told your husband originally but were keeping this away from him or have you eliminated ALL CONTACT?)
Your friend, Sarah


This is the last MB message I found from you; posted December 9th:
sally2003

"Hi you all;

I dont want to elaborate on what I am feeling and how I am doing or what I am doing...just dont feel like any words of wisdom today....but, I wanted you all to know that I wast thinkin of you and I just wanted to say hi.

Sally."

--------------------
me-W/W-30
H & B/S-30
kids-3 dtr's age 9, 6, 2
OM-30, married, no kids

HI sarie;

I actually haven't been on since that last post you pasted.

Things are OK I guess. No, I have not contacted OM at all. Although EVERY day I have to talk myself out of lookin like an idiot (with the idea to email him).

I have these thoughts of emailing him on his birthday (feb) that keep running though my mind. I hope I dont do it. Well this is the longest I have gone with NC to the OM.

THe sad thing is, is a big part of the reason I wont contact him is because I will look desperate and needy and he will be sickened by the lack of self control. Pathetic, yes.

I havent told my hub about the email account that I had and closed. I know its supposed to be Radical Honestly, I have just done so much to him and there is NC with OM so I only see it as hindering our recovery.

Lots will disgree, I am sure.

Well..its been a sh*tty hoiday season, hopefully I will muddle though it.

THanks for the post Sarie.

Sally.

Sally:

"Lots will disgree, I am sure."

Allow me 2 be the first, okay?

My W still has her hotmail account that she opened for email communication with RM. It has taken us nearly 2 years 2 get 2 the point where she ac2ally offered NC on here own. We're still negotiating how we're going 2 do it, when we do talk about it, but it's been a difficult journey 2 get here.

I had 2 gradually go from LBing, which got me nowhere, 2 begging, which got me nowhere, 2 calling RM an a*hole, which got me nowhere, 2 asking my W 2 tell me when she'd contacted him or heard from him, which got me a little info but always sometime after the fact, 2 just shutting up about him most of the time, which got her complacent, 2 asking again, but nicely, which got me answers, again after the fact, 2 her telling me she was going 2 see him for work, which got us really talking, 2 having 2 ask again about contact, which got me answers as 2 when, but never what, 2 her telling me she'd said "happy b-day" 2 him early this month, which pretty much 'did it' for me - I drank 9 beers while working on the house 2 weekends ago, which made her FINALLY notice how much contact HURTS the BS, which led 2 her offer of NC 2 weeks ago - if I wouldn't drink 2 much like that.

We've made so much progress now that I don't believe that I could go back 2 that way of life again. My $LB must have finally reached a low point without me realizing it. If the A were 2 resume at this point - unlikely, thankfully - I'd quit. I'm pretty sure of it.

-ol' 2long

Sally

I've copied a post from a person that understands the addiction of A"s. Perhaps this will give you insite into your feelings.

Beau

BrokenButNotCrushed
Member
Member # 4995

posted March 30, 2000 01:29 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Friends,
I think Dr. Harley's principles of marriage are great, in fact, his is the best systematic approach to the subject that I know of. But no one paradigm can fully explain something as complicated as infidelity. I have shared the information that follows with both betrayers and betrayeds, and it really seemed to help them better understand the internal struggle of a WS. I hope that it helps you, too!

Oftentimes, the behavior of a WS who is trying to break it off with the OP is conflicting and contradictory. Their choices may even make it seem as if they are two different people. This is very confusing and hurtful to both the WS and his/her spouse. But, as irrational as the WS's actions may seem, there are reasons for everything they are doing. It's just that many of their motivations are under the surface and may even be hidden from them.

An affair is a form of addiction, and it can drive people to make terrible choices. The explanation that follows is actually written to the WS, but it can also help their spouse to understand the process which generates the conflicting behavior...

Human beings are shaped like triangles when it comes to decision making. The two bottom corners of the triangle are our sources of input. Let's call them Thinker and Feeler. Thinker is your rational mind. Feeler is your emotions. Each has access to your five senses and memories. At the top of the triangle is Will. Will evaluates the input of Thinker and Feeler, but the ultimate decision is always made by Will.

Whenever a situation calls for a decision to be made, Thinker sends its input up to Will. Feeler does as well. Will evaluates the strength of each of the inputs and makes a decision accordingly. Thus, if presented with the dessert tray at a restaurant, Thinker might send, "You don't need the extra calories. Pass it up. On a scale of 1-10, intensity 6." Feeler smells the chocolate fudge and responds, "I have to taste that! On a scale of 1-10, intensity 9." Will receives both inputs and chooses to order the fudge because Feeler's input was stronger.

For most situations in life, the above process occurs without conscious effort. And, for the most part, the process works well. Every once in a while, though, it leads us down the wrong path. To get back on the right path, we need to change the process.

Over the years, unresolved issues most likely built up in the marriage, and your Feeler began sending increasingly strong signals to Will that something had to change. Initially, Thinker kept sending, "I must have my needs met within the marriage." And so, Will chose to side with Thinker.

With each time that Will took Thinker's advice and your needs still went unmet, Feeler yelled louder and Thinker became less certain that your needs would be met in the marriage. Inexorably, the point was reached where Feeler's "Yes!" became stronger than Thinker's "No!" From that moment forward, you slid down the slippery slope of the road to adultery.

Every now and then, your Thinker would get a boost from your conscience, the Bible or some other source that stiffened its resolve. For a short while, you would decide to not see the OP. Your Thinker sent a message to Will that this behavior cannot be tolerated. But, by then, Feeler was stuck on a 10 intensity. Sooner or later, Thinker lessened its input, and you slid back down the road again.

The issue on which Feeler is a solid 10 is whether to continue the affair, and to continue to experience the emotional rush that it offers. On other issues, Feeler's input may vary greatly. A person with a well-developed sense of right and wrong will inevitably experience great remorse and guilt over their betrayal of their spouse and their rebellion against God. On this issue, Thinker and Feeler may be in perfect agreement: "What I am doing is wrong! I should feel guilty." You therefore will go through periods when you experience terrible guilt and remorse. But because this issue is separate from whether to continue the affair, the guilt does not empower you to stop the affair, only to wistfully want to.

And so you, the WS, are trapped in a hideous vicious cycle. You know you should stop the contact. For a while, you muster the strength, but inevitably, you are drawn back again. You then experience with the OP the emotional rush that you have come to crave from the affair, and that is lacking in marriage. But after your need is satiated, the guilt and remorse kick in once more and the cycle repeats. It seems that there is no escape, and sooner or later the process may destroy your marriage and even push you to the brink of suicide.

If this sounds familiar, then you're halfway home! Half the answer is recognizing and understanding the nature of the addiction. I will now share the other half... how to resolve your internal conflict. The answer assumes that you already have a personal relationship with God. If you don't, but would like to, please let me know and I'll share how...

The best way to break out of this cycle is to change the process. God gave you free will. It was the most expensive gift in the universe (God gave it knowing that it would cause all the sin in the world, plus the suffering and death of Jesus). Nothing, not even your emotions, can ever rob you of your free will.

Will can always choose what to do. It may be hard, especially when a pattern has been established. But you never lose accountability for your choices, and you never lose the power to choose.

At times, it may truly seem that you are powerless. You are not. It only seems that way because you have not yet correctly understood how to alter the process of your decision making.

God will never allow you to become powerless against a sin. Deception may cause you to believe you are powerless, and as long as you believe that lie, you will be helpless. Recognize the deception, and you will see that the way out was there all along. So that you can be sure what I am saying is true, consider these words from Paul's letter to the Corinthians:

"No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able; but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it." I Cor. 10:13.

Here is the way of escape from this sin:

1. Recognize and accept that emotions lie. We cannot trust them to know what is best for us.

2. Believe that you have not lost your free will (Will is still in control of your decision making).

3. Will must choose to act on what you KNOW to be true from the word of God, and to disregard Feeler's input.

4. Accept that it is not at all necessary for your feelings to change in order for Will to choose to do what is right. When Feeler screams, "10! 10! 10!," Will replies, "I understand that is what I am feeling, but I choose to follow the Word of God anyway."

Your prior efforts failed, in part, because Feeler still wanted the emotional high from the affair. When you tried to break things off and make it work with your spouse, Feeler didn't feel better! You were allowing a temporary surge from Thinker to override Feeler. Once the intensity of Thinker was depleted (it always will be sooner or later) your Will once again bowed to Feeler, whose intensity had not decreased at all.

The way out is completely different. Choose what to do (i.e. no contact with the OP)independent of input from Thinker or Feeler. Then it doesn't matter what input Feeler sends, the decision has already been made!

I don't mean to make light of the effort involved in this. While the answer is surprisingly simple, it will take great steadfastness to carry out. But here's the reason you will be successful: It's not Feeler against Thinker anymore. You are placing all your hope and trust in the Word of God, and that Rock is able to withstand any onslaught of emotions.

Consider Jesus' reference to the farmer and his plow (Luke 9:62). When a farmer wants to sow his seed in straight lines, he keeps them straight by fixing his gaze on a distant object. If he takes his eyes off the object to look back, he will wander off course and ruin his field.

Jesus is the distant object on which you are to set your sights. The plow is the Word of God. You walk forward into the future, day by day, toward Jesus (the farmer can look back, but he can never go back into the past). As you travel forward each day, your Will sows seeds (your deeds). Will must set its hands on the Word of God and never turn back. Feeler can look back, Thinker too. But as long as Will does not look back (reconsider its decision to be led only by the Word of God on this issue) you will sow your seeds in straight lines (you will act righteously). You will no longer ruin your field (your testimony). You will be fit, as Jesus said, for the kingdom of heaven.

To further stengthen your resolve, consider the battle that is being waged around you spiritually. Satan came to steal, kill and destroy. He wants to steal all the meaning from your life, kill your relationship with your spouse and kids, and destroy everything you have done for God. (Read that sentence again). He's found a way to deceive and ensnare you, and has walked you to the very edge of the precipice. TURN BACK NOW!

I know your emotions seem to compel you down a certain path, but that path leads to death! Imagine it were possible (and it may be, soon) for a scientist to embed circuits in your brain that would produce a sensation of pleasure when you witnessed certain events. Now suppose this scientist were evil, and he decided to feed you pleasure whenever you saw your family tortured. To complete the picture, imagine that you are watching someone mutilate your family, and, to your horror, it feels fantastic! And there you are, with the power to make it stop, but you don't want to, because it feels so good.

Could you stand there and watch your family dismembered because it felt great emotionally?

Except for a bit of poetic license, that's what you are doing now...

...

If you're a WS, please don't think I'm judging you. My own beloved was horribly ensnared in this web of deceit and it practically tore her apart. Today, she is a whole woman again, at peace with God, me, and herself. I hope that what I have shared here will give you the understanding and willpower to break free, too.

Wishing the best for you,

BrokenButNotCrushed

That was a very interesting post.

Although not a religous person, I can relate to the thinker feeler explanation.

This is a very difficult journey.

I still havent had any contact with OM since that last that you all know of....the though about doing it in Feb for his birthday really worries me. Just tellin you what is in my head....I hope i wont do it.

I will say it most definately has gotten easier...the heeartbreak I mean about the end of the A.

Thanks guys,
Sally.