I found out my wife was having an affair about 6 weeks ago. It is a little different since she insists that it was sexual harassment from her boss which lasted 4+ years. For general purposes I need to classify it as an affair since I am going through the emotions of someone who has found out that their spouse was having a willing affair. (Who knows the truth with my wife?)

1. Each day I experience a range of emotions. Anger, sadness, guilt, happiness, frustration, helplessness, etc. I know I need to think about what has happened and talk to my W about it, but sometimes I just want to have a blank mind. I am a stay at home dad with 2 young Ds and so I don't have my mind on work. My mind is on my family and that makes it harder.

2. Initially, I was upset and could not get my mind from picturing my wife having sex with another man. Now I think of that, but also what is beginning to really bother me is the thoughts that my wife was passionately kissing this other man, cuddling with him, talking to him in bed. It's enough to drive you crazy.

3. As I mentioned above, I have 2 Ds under the age of 3. It's very hard to look at them, especially the youngest and not think that there is a possibility that they're not mine. My wife assures me that they are, but you are never sure. What's even more difficult is that I have been at home for 2+ years raising them and now I sometimes find myself staring at them thinking if they are mine. Trying to find a feature that I know is mine. I then think to myself that it shouldn't matter since in essence they are mine no matter what, but there is always that doubt.


I have gone to an individual therapist and my W and I start marriage counseling this week. I am still very much in love with my wife and she says that she is with me and always has been. She has not deviated from her story that it was sexual harassment, and there is evidence that it was just that. But it still confuses me how could it last for 4 years. It wasn't consistent just on trips they took together. He would lay down hints that if she went with him she would be part of the "in" group. It also hurts that she never told me until now.

Does anyone know of any periodicals concerning sexual harrassment, power, and how families deal with the fact afterwards.

It's lonely out there a lot of the time.

Thanks.

FO,
if it was sexuale harrasment then take the b@stard to court! by the way, is your W still working for or with this OM? if so and if she wants to recover why is she still there? have you told the OM's W (presuming that he's married)? if not why not?

sorry but things don't seem to add up. if it were me, i would get to the bottom of this while going through your plan A. if what shhe sais is true then she should willingly cooperate.

just some thoughts.
coach

Dear FO

Sorry to welcome you here.

I have some more questions <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

1. Does your W still work with OM?

2. How much remorse does your W show?

3. How much responsibility for the A does your W accept? Or, is it all OM's responsibility?

4. Was your W (to your knowledge) ever a childhood sexual abuse victim?

5. Has the A been exposed at work? To OM's wife?

Keep posting.

Pep

<small>[ December 15, 2003, 10:26 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hello:

I am sorry I am little confused. Are you saying she has been having a sexual affair for the past 4 years with her boss because of sexual harassment? She never told you anything about this for 4 years? She thought she would be in the
"in group" so she continued to have sex with him for 4 years while being married to you? If you believe this I have a bridge to sell you. I would seriously consider getting a paternity test.

How do you think she would react if she just find out you have been having sex with your female boss for the past 4 years behind her back and you claimed that it was a way for you to get in the
"in group" and it was only because you were harassed to do it? In addition, it never occurred to you to tell your wife what was happening during the past 4+ years?

I guess the thought of telling you and looking for another job never crossed her mind and that it was just a lot easier for her to keep having sex with him for 4 years behing your back and to put your health at risk instead. I really feel sorry for you but she sounds like a classic cakewoman who enjoys a lover and a husband at the same time.
It is unbelievable that she would try to snow you with such a story. For 4+ years she never felt it necessary to talk to you about this? Oh Please...
I think you know the truth and so does she. Think long and hard what you wish to do. Good luck.

Well she has left her work and found another job. Her old company investigated the charges of sexual harassment and they could not confirm anything that she said. My W thought that when her boss was called in that he would deny harassment but say that they were having an affair. He said that it was all made up.

I did confirm that my W told her therapist at the time 3 years ago that she was being harassed. She decided not to tell me. I also confirmed that she told the same thing to 2 of her friends and they told her not to tell me. Of course I disagree with their advice. The therapist told her to tell me.

I approached the OM wife since she belongs to the same gym as me and told her that my W left the company because her husband was sexually harassing her for 4 years. I wish I said it in more blunt terms then I did. She has not been back to the gym since.

I don't know what to think. Some days I believe her 80% and some days it's 0%. I'm sure that is normal for this situation.

Hello Found,

I am sorry what you are going through but I just do not understand what she never told you? Why would she think it is better to have sex with her boss then tell you she was being harassed? She has quit her job now so why did she not quit her job then instead of having sex with him for over the past 4 years. It just does not make any sense.
It sounds like she finally got caught and knew she has to quit. In short, she thought it was better to keep having sex with the boss then tell her husband and quit her job? Good Luck.

First of all let me say that what she did was totally inexcusable but I wonder if at the beginning of her alleged sexual harassment by her boss, she was very fearful of losing her job because her family was totally dependent on her for their financial survival. People do strange things when they get panicky and this just may be one of those cases.

If the charge of sexual harassment was true how does it explain the willingness of your wife to engage in sexual acts with this OM. Why didn't she look for another job as soon as the sex harrassment began. It might have taken a week, a month or a few months to change jobs so that she wouldn't have to submit to the sexual demand of her boss. Why stay in a job in which you are forced to have sex with your boss. Why would it take 4 years for her to finally decide to quit and find another job. Maybe your wife likes being sexually dominated and humiliated. She protests but in truth likes to be put in a position where she feels she has no other choice but to have sex with another man. That way she can justify her behaviour by telling herself and others that she was the victim.

The sexual harrassment issue may be worth persuing, but it's not the central issue here, is it? I suspect that she didn't tell you because it wasn't a clear-cut issue of harrassment so much as a willful participation in an A. Maybe it didn't start that way, but after 4 years of not coming forward with evidence? I suspect a jury would have a hard time finding in her favor, if it got that far.

So, you're left with the "typical" affair. You need 2 understand how they "work" and how they must end. This website and the books you'll hear about recommended here will help you tremendously 2 do this.

You can survive this. Your marriage can survive, 2.

-2long

It takes a long, long time to get past an affair. I give you credit that you are focused on your W rather than OM even thought your W says it was sexual harassment.

One thing I would suggest is to look into ways to test whether your daughters are yours. There are some simple ways -- like blood type -- to see if they aren't yours. If you have your W's blood type, yours, and your daughters, I think that you may be able to tell they aren't yours. IF that information isn't conclusive, then you can look into other ways. It is a heavy burden to look at children and wonder if they are yours.

I'm glad the OW's last child was born before Tom and she met.