Is it possible to have an EA with either no sexual attraction or one-sided sexual attraction?

My H was caught having an EA with a coworker in July 03. Involved many cell phone calls, some 1 hour plus. He says they didn't spend much time together at work (they "didn't have time"). The calls went both ways--from him to her and vice versa. He called her from our vacation numerous times. He also told her about a night when I'd be gone over night so she could call late (she called at midnight, she was out of town). They were calling each other almost daily at the end, more from her to him. All of this is from cell phone records. He says the talked 90% about work and 10% personal. I know they both spent at least some amount of time complaining about their spouses. She has 2 children and a difficult marriage (per her to my H and her H to me).

My H had just entered a new career when this happened. I think part of the attraction was that she could "show him the ropes". He was also very enthusiastic about the new job, feeling good about himself, etc. He had never worked in a traditional workplace setting prior to this and our counselor says he wasn't "emotionally prepared" to deal with the situation.

My H has no history of infidelity at all. He claims he never had any type of sexual attraction to this person. That she was a "friend that he cared about". He does work in a technical field that could really only be discussed with those who do the same type of work (not an excuse, just a fact). I also think he felt sorry for her b/c of her marital/family problems.

He was caught when I intercepted a cell phone call on his phone from her. She hung up on me. He immediately told me that they had been talking "a lot". He promised not to call her and then DID call her that night and the next morning. I didn't hear either call but he claims that he told her they could never talk again and wanted to give her a heads up that I'd be calling her husband. He ended up telling me about one of these calls but I found out about the other on my own which really hurt. Counselor says H
was very scared and shouldn't be blamed for not pouring out ALL of the truth right away. I question this though b/c counselor also told him not to tell me any more when we got to her office a couple of days later, saying I couldn't emotionally handle any more at that time. I feel like she condoned his lying--lies came out for a week.

My husband had lied directly to me when I saw a call come in from her number, had taken the time to have the cell bill sent to another address, had to put his cell on silent ring, etc. to keep this hidden. He was acting very strangely during this time and had expressed to me that he was unhappy with certain aspects of our marriage. When I asked (at that time) if another person was involved he said no.

Would I be fooling myself to think that there really was no sexual attraction? Or that she was sexually attracted to him but not vice versa? That sounds like wishful thinking, even to me. I don't believe that a woman calls a man at midnight if she's not open to something more than friendship. All of this went on for about 2.5 months from start to finish. They no longer work together and haven't spoken since d-day that I know of.

I would like to believe my husband and move on, but I having trouble believing that there wasn't something more. Any insight would be appreciated.

My H had an EA with a coworker and I don't believe the sexual attraction went both ways. If it had, I am sure it would have turned into a PA because he admitted that is what he wanted. I later talked to this woman and I believe she was just trying to be a friend. She told me that there were times she wouldn't answer the phone when she saw his cell phone number on the caller ID - AGAIN.

He was talking to her at work and spending break time with her. Then he asked for her home number and the whole thing started. He was sneaking his cell phone to the park in the evenings to "walk the dogs" and was calling her then. He would call her while he was out running errands on the weekends. At first I didn't realize it was my H that was running up the cell phone bill -- I accused our teenaged son and my H didn't correct me. What a coward. He spent most of time complaining to her about me and our marriage, admitted one affair to her (before he told me) but never told me of their relationship. I only discovered when I was reviewing his cell phone records AFTER D-Day #1.

I can understand trying to keep your ego intact. To believe he wasn't sexually attracted to her might help you do that - I don't know. The fact is, he had an affair because something in your marriage needs attention. My advice would be to focus on the emotional aspect of your marriage - fulfilling each other's emotional needs. After D-day I spent a lot of time talking with one of my bosses, a man 30 years my senior. One thing he impressed on me was that any one man and any one woman could build an attraction to each other with the exception of a strong characteristic that was totally repulsive to one or the other. (Such as a deformity or intolerable hygiene). So to think that your H wasn't attracted to her would be a little thick-headed. But it is quite possible that he was searching/vulnerable to other aspects of this woman above looks. Had he been searching for a "roll in the hay", why spend months on the cell phone. Instead it would be much easier to sneak down to a bar and find a prostitute.

Instead of focusing on what your H DIDN'T want in this woman, find out what he WAS attracted to. And then throw yourself into filling that need. My H became susceptible to the OW's compliments, constant sexiness (flirting), and undevoted attention. Now those are the things I try to shower him with.

Good luck to you.
Jamup