First I want to thank everyone for their very helpful advice and reply to my post. Just to bring everyone up to date regarding some of the comments made:

Wat: Thanks your link has been a tremendous eye opener, and my wife has read this as well. We are both leary of the fallout that could come back to bite us should we tell the OM's wife, but we both feel she has a right to know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">in your case, at least for the short term, i say hold off. take care of the other things that need to happen -- namely a no contact letter from your wife to the om.

Thanks whippit. At this point we are leaning toward holding off for at least a month, both due to the holidays in respect to his family, and to ensure we are both prepared for any backlash. Having not seen the marriage builders website I issued a no contact letter to the OM 2 days after d-day. Then about 6 weeks later, and only after a phone call from him to my wife just to check on her (and perhaps rekindle what had abrubtly ended,and which she told me about within the hour, my wife issued the final NC letter with me.

Peperband: You bring up many good questions, many which I have been debating with myself:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">... how do you know that she told you "the whole story"?

Simple answer is I don't, and is very much what I am struggling with right now. Having exposed the affair, the lies etc. there is almost zero trust, which is the basis that any belief that she is telling me the whole truth is based on. I do have a pretty good trail of emails, upwards of 4 per day, that give a pretty clear indication of what did and did not happen, and also that she was indeed struggling within herself about the affair, why she was having it and what she did and did not want from it. Having said that, the pattern was established early that he would just sweet talk her, validate her, break down her will to end it, persue her when she did, and then move to the next level of intimacy. So in reality I really don't know what to believe, but given the detail of the emails, they seem to support what she has told me, even though she can't remember writing them, and has not seen them since the affair was uncovered.
Additionally we were both tested for STD's within a week of discovery, and they were thankfully negative. The part about previous affairs, or details not yet revealed is part of my struggle, but I will be dependent on her to reveal them, which at this point she continues to deny.

Finally to all of you who have suggested that it is not my responsiblity, but the OM's responsiblity to tell his wife, I agree however lets be realistic here. There is no benefit for the OM to be honest with his wife, and he has no track record of being forthright and honest in the first place, hence the affair. There is much to loose by him being truthful, and nothing to be gained. If he is remoseful and has decided that he wants to save his marriage, then he would work at making it better on his end starting from a position of strength and stability, rather than being honest, telling her and having to start from a position of absolute weakeness. This affair was exposed, and did not die a natural death therefore he will still be searching outside his marriage with hopefuly someone other than my wife to fill his void. Most WS would tell you that one of the reason they have multiple affairs is because when there is trust it is so easy to do and there is no pain until they get caught.

Again thanks for everyones input/insight. This is the only site, and the only program that has actionable ways of moving forward if you stay.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Finally to all of you who have suggested that it is not my responsiblity, but the OM's responsiblity to tell his wife, I agree </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't agree with that position for a number of reasons.

You have suffered from both of their actions do you want to remain silent and allow him to do this to another family? Men far more than women are likely to be serial cheaters. Men far more than women are more likely to pursue first time affairees ones that they can trust will not likely want their reputations soiled and fear discovery.

Affairs flourish when the unwritten code of silence remains intact. To some extent you are helping maintain that secrecy. You know, your wife knows yet neither will tell his wife. You are the accomplices a serial cheater has come to count and expect affair after affair.

Your inaction and silence could result in future pain for OM's wife and some other family.

BTW understand something there is also an unwritten code of denial and minimizing after being caught. Its part of the secrecy post discovery. My wife was relieved it was over, rushed headlong in trying to repair the damage she had done but.....she STILL lied about most things until confronted with undeniable evidence.

Your recovery is in doubt as long as you doubt she has told you everything. The person with the most knowledge outside of the two affair partners is the spouse of the OP. You want to verify she is being truthful the OM's spouse could provide verification for you. Keep in mind wayward spouses will try and reveal only as much as made too. The fact that you are talking to the OM's wife may prompt some conviently "remembered" new details hid from you. She will be aware that you can cross reference her story with what OM is telling his wife. And deep down she knows he will not be loyal to her rather cover his own [censored]. Odds are she will want to tell you her version of events in more detail just in case he turns on her (and he will) to make things easier for him with his wife.