We have been separated for a week now. It was her idea. She was (still is) having an EA over the Internet. Her family did not know about the EA until I told them (after WS and me agreed not to tell anybody about all the details of why we are splitting up. was telling them a mistake?)

None of her family members are approving of her actions (and were not approving of it even before they learned of her EA) and are not willing to help her in any way. However, they do seem friendly and compassionate with me. I have not asked them for any help, however did talk to them about our relationship/problems. They want to spend time with me, invited me over for X-mas and all that. It looks like they are on my side. Am I crazy? They are her blood relatives, they'll never take my side over hers, right? Even if they tell me straight up that I am a very good person/husband and that she is making a big mistake.

Should I talk to them? Should I maintain the relationship? Will my WS think that I am trying to get them on my side so that they would make it difficult for her to separate? Will she think I am being proactive and am just building leverage for when we file (if we do. I hope not)?

Thanks

Hi assap,

I can tell you from my experience that it was VERY helpful to tell both families of my WH affair and my in-laws and the family have been so supportive of me.Of course they are supporting my WH too since he is their son BUT the difference is that they are NOT supporting his A with OW.My WH has yet to find out that that OW will NOT ever be welcomed into the family,never.Not after the way the relationship has been started and all the pain it caused.

I think the main consensus regarding talking about the A is to "tell the world" about it.Perhaps not literally but the more people that become aware of the A,it makes it all the more harder for it to continue in it's bubble.An A is all based on secrecy and lies right so once the jig is up,it makes it harder for the fantasy to continue.

I have found my realtionship with my in-laws to be extremely important right now,more so than ever.They are part of my WH and they understand him like I do.It helps me to be with them and talk with them about the man we used to know and what we are now dealing with,this alien.I wouldn't "try" to get them on your side but definitely use them as a sounding board and also use whatever support they are willing to give.

Don't give too much thought to what your W will think.She may be mad or even supportive too about keeping your relationship but it's up to the in-laws what they are willing to give and just go with that.It is also very important for me because we have children and they are very close to my in-laws too so I don't want that relationship to change because of what WH is doing either.


O

thanks. your post made me feel better about talking to them and letting them know what's going on and accepting their support too.

the only thing i am scared of is not to get mad when my WS confronts me today about why I told them about what's going on w/us. We agreed not tell anybody the details. I think i'll just tell her "i am sorry you feel this way and are angry at me. you have every right to be angry at me, but you are an adult and don't have to talk to me like that (i know she will blow up). as for me, i just feel hurt, scared, confused, lost in the world of feelings/emotions and am very vulnerable to people willing to talk to me and to support me right now..." and i will probably walk away after saying this.

what are your thoughts?

Hi assap,

If it's one thing I learned through all this and dealing with WH it is this: STAY CALM AT ALL TIMES. Keep telling yourself this in your mind no matter what your W may be doing:yelling,crying,ranting,etc.

Just mention to her what you said in your last post and remind her that your in-laws have offered their support and you could really use it right now.The come back here and keep reading.Luckily for you,it does not sound as though the A has lowered to a physical one so hopefully you can nip this in the bud before it takes on a life of it's own.

Again,try not to be sucked into her emotional rollercoaster.Boy,that is hard but do say you need time to think and WALK AWAY if you feel like you want to scream your lungs out at her or anything else.YOU have to look and act like the one with all the dignity at all times if possible.She will be looking for ways to make you out to be the "bad guy" and GIVE her a reason to keep doing what she is.You are in for the ride of your life here so buckle up and be prepared.

Keep coming back and read.You will eventually find that you have a lot in common with the rest of us and it helps to know that you are not alone.You will also get a lot of good advice but also remember,this is going to be a long process so take care of yourself and focus on that little toddler of yours in the meantimes.Ok? I hope this also was helpful.

Read,read,read.There is tons of information here to absorb.Read about Plans A/B in particular.

Take care. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

O

They want to spend time with me, invited me over for X-mas and all that. It looks like they are on my side.\
Great. After all, yo are their son-in-law. Why wouldn’t they want to spend time with you.

Am I crazy?
Why?

They are her blood relatives, they'll never take my side over hers, right?
Depends on what you mean by, “taking your side”? She is their daughter. They don’t have to approve of what she does and they don’t have to support her decisions to do it but they will probably remain her parents. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Even if they tell me straight up that I am a very good person/husband and that she is making a big mistake.
Isn’t that what is happening?

Should I talk to them? Should I maintain the relationship?[
Why wouldn’t you do that regardless?

Will my WS think that I am trying to get them on my side so that they would make it difficult for her to separate?
Again, so what? You have had a relationship with them in the past, why should it change because of what your wife is doing?

Will she think I am being proactive and am just building leverage for when we file
She will probably think and say all kinds of things but so what?
Yes, maintain the relationship with them.
The thing to remember is to not rip on your wife with them.
It’s okay to let them know you hurt and don’t want a divorce but talking about it is not the basis of your relationship with them.

thanks Chris. I will maintain the relationship with them. I do not think she is going over for the x-mas party, but i am. and you are right, I should not care what she thinks of my relationship w/them