When do you know it is time to call it quits? I'm not saying for myself. But a lot of people I've noticed on this forum have put up with affairs or had an affair. To me there would be no question at that point. Trust to me could never be regained and that is the basis of marriage. I can't imagine living with someone knowing they have cheated or are still cheating. Also when two people have no emotional connection anymore is there a time to call it quits. I know this is a very obtuse question but I'm curious about different peoples opinion. I know children play a huge role, but you only live once and why would you want to be in constant misery. Is it hope? I don't mean to sound cold. Just curious.

I guess it depends on the A. For me I stopped an EA. Had it gone to a PA, I probably would have left. But, you are right, the hardest thing to regain is the trust. It comes back with time, But I will never look at my relationship the same again. It breaks your heart to read some of these posts and the pain the WS is going through.

What I've said is "I've divorced the old Tom." The old Tom broke my arm and had an A.

New MC says it is possible he can change -- only counsels people in abusive marriages.

If I give up hope that he can change, the M is over.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can't imagine living with someone knowing they have cheated or are still cheating </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Before this happened to me, I felt the same way as you. I was shocked and stunned, not only by the A, but also the fact that I still loved my husband after the revelation.

But the last year has been the worst in my life. Never in my life had I felt so ugly, hated, worthless and so replaceable. I have cried everyday and at times don't know if I will ever be okay again. I lost my faith, trust and security and everything I had believed in.

It has also been the best year of my marriage so far. My husband has learned to show me love, he had shown me more love and attention than he ever has. He has not had any bursts of anger, and he know longer gives me the looks of hatred I had grown to know so well. Looks that broke my heart every time I saw them.

I know that if my husband had stayed for the kids or had gone through the fog that others talk about. I would have left. I do not have it in me to deal with what some of the others here deal with. I know that if I ever feel hated, or unloved again, it will be the end. I will not be someone's regret. Either he is here for me...or it is not the place I am supposed to be. I believe that God wants me to be loved, happy and safe. If I am in the wrong place, he will let me know.

Trust can be regained. I never thought it possible but it's been so long now (12yrs) since my wifes A. It's a different trust though. "Before", I trusted my wife in the sense that I thought the standard "she would never do that". Now, my trust fit's the statement "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". An A brings many changes to a marraige. Many more than a prospective WS consider's I'm sure, especially if they don't intend to end thier M.

I can't speak for everyone, but IMO the real damage done by an Affair can be seen in that so many years later, I sometimes wonder if there's not some other fish in the sea that might have loved me enough not to hurt me so deeply. Not that I'm looking mind you... it's just sad.