Opinions needed, please!

WAH filed for D over a year ago. I have done nothing to hold it up or move it along and he hasn't either. I suspect he'd like me to take over and push it through but I have left the ball in his court. I've firmly believed since he is the one who wants the D, he needs to own that decision and follow through.

But I wonder if continuing to be passive is the right thing. Despite his few moments of fog-lifting, I don't have much hope that he will return to our marriage. My C seems to think that for me to move on emotionally, I should push for the D. She asked last week what I was getting out of staying married. All I could think of was that I like knowing we aren't divorced because it must make OW and WAH uncomfortable and I still love him, pitiful as that sounds. I don't know why WAH isn't pushing for it except that he benefits from being on my work health insurance and doesn't want to fork over any more bucks. C said he may be holding back so he doesn't have to make a decision to marry her.

But I need to reclaim my self-respect and set some boundaries. WAH sees OW openly which is a continuing slap in the face to me. Maybe he needs to face his decision and I'm just enabling him by living in limbo.

Am I a fool for waiting for him to D me? Is it time for me to do the ultimate tough love and D him?

There is no right answer as to whether to push through the divorce or not.

Something to consider is whether you want to continue trying to foster the love in your marriage. If he has no love for you anymore, he may not be bothered by your moving the divorce forward. It could wake him up to reality and develop into something you could work with.

He was the one who filed, so he already must own the decision, whether you push for it or not.

jazmom,

I am in the same boat as you, but I filed, not WH. However, I told WH b/4 Turkey day that I would no longer be pursuing the D since I never wanted it, but rather filed out of anger.

Just yesterday I found out that he made a move to further it along which hurt. I agree with what you are feeling and it makes it that much more difficult to handle.

I have heard from other members that when they left the D up to the WS, the WS couldn't follow through with it and some of them have recovered the marriage, so this is what I am holding out for. Good luck.

FF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Something to consider is whether you want to continue trying to foster the love in your marriage. If he has no love for you anymore, he may not be bothered by your moving the divorce forward. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know if I will ever reach a point where I want to let go of our marriage. But maybe it's something I have to do. Plus I'm just so damn sick of the whole wretched mess, sick of caring, sick of hoping, sick of waiting for a magic moment when I won't love him anymore. I'm wondering if getting an actual divorce will help me get the emotional divorce that I really need.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by foreverfaithful:
<strong>
Just yesterday I found out that he made a move to further it along which hurt. I agree with what you are feeling and it makes it that much more difficult to handle.

I have heard from other members that when they left the D up to the WS, the WS couldn't follow through with it and some of them have recovered the marriage, so this is what I am holding out for. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know how much it hurts when the WA makes a move toward a D. The few times my WAH has brought it up since filing has been unbelievably painful. I guess I'm wanting to avoid that kick in the gut again and if I become the one to pursue it, then I won't have to feel that particular pain. Other pain, but not that one!

One thing I've observed in my sitch is that he stopped pushing for it when I stopped pushing against it. Kinda took him by surprise when I said I wouldn't stop him.

I've been holding out - and holding out! I needed a lesson in patience but this one is way over board. I wish there was a simple formula so we could know just how long is too long to hope.

jazmom,

I hear you all the way!!

I wish there was a simple formula so we could know just how long is too long to hope.

I ask myself this question frequently.

I'm just so damn sick of the whole wretched mess, sick of caring, sick of hoping, sick of waiting for a magic moment when I won't love him anymore.

I empathize with you on this so incredibly much. Lately, I have become so mentally drained that I just don't want to have to deal with it anymore. What makes it worse is if you have kids that need tending to at the same time; even more draining.

Good luck and hope your sitch changes for the better soon. I just keep praying daily; sometimes 2x/day or more, and trying desperately to maintain my faith in God that if WH and I are meant to be, that he shall make it come about in his own time and way. What kills me is that God knows whether we will reconcile, but I don't yet.

Take care,
FF

Jaz,
I am in the same situation that you are, but I've been in Plan B longer. (You're right, you probably started Plan B a little late.)
You said
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is it time for me to do the ultimate tough love and D him? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know if I will ever reach a point where I want to let go of our marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO the ultimate tough love is to NOT take a step towards divorce. Are you in Plan B, or no contact? I think that if you're still having questions and you've shared here that you still have feelings towards him, then don't move towards D, just lessen your contact with him to protect the love you have as a interim step. Then if the fog lifts, you will not have burned any bridges behind you. Try to stay in Plan B a little longer if at all possible!

Don't file in hopes he "will come to his senses" or that it will change his opinion. That is not guaranteed and occurs rarely. Only do that as a last resort, and when you know you can live in perfect peace with your decision and the results thereof.

<small>[ December 23, 2003, 07:00 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> IMHO the ultimate tough love is to NOT take a step towards divorce. Are you in Plan B, or no contact? I think that if you're still having questions and you've shared here that you still have feelings towards him, then don't move towards D, just lessen your contact with him to protect the love you have as a interim step. Then if the fog lifts, you will not have burned any bridges behind you. Try to stay in Plan B a little longer if at all possible!

Don't file in hopes he "will come to his senses" or that it will change his opinion. That is not guaranteed and occurs rarely. Only do that as a last resort, and when you know you can live in perfect peace with your decision and the results thereof. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I'm in Plan B. We have only minimal contact as necessary for our D10. We had to talk yesterday because of semi-emergency medical appt for her. I'm having a hard time coping with even this limited contact. I don't know how to act. I am calm and business-like - seems like we are both on edge and trying to see who can get off the phone first. Talking to him, hearing his voice on the machine, even opening an e-mail from him leaves my stomach in knots. No contact is helping but we're in a small town so I can't drive down the road without passing him or OW. Hard to detach when you're scanning cars and checking out the parking lot before buying groceries.

My MIL is here staying with him for a month. She betrayed me, too, really hurt me this time last year and even though she's a known nutcase, I'm still reeling from her treatment of me. Haven't bought her a gift this year, haven't made any efforts to see her which is a 180 for me. She's older and feeble so I'm waffling on this - do I include her in his plan b?

Yes, you're right, the toughest love is hanging in there and I will continue to do so at least for awhile.

I'm just hurting so much. Thanks for the boost of courage.

Jaz,
I 'm glad I read your post this morning.

I've been coming here since Sept 2002. That's right after my divorce was final, and right after I dumped OM. I've been wanting to reconcile since long before my divorce was final. ExH has been unwilling until now.

For the first time in over three years, he and I went out on Monday night. For the first time since 1999, he will be with me and the kids on Christmas Eve- tonight!

Everyone has been telling me, "Time and patience". I say that to you now, too.

If you get a divorce, it won't make your feelings change. It is simply a piece of paper. You'll know when it's time to give up. I've never really given up, although I've had moments of contemplating it, especially a few months ago.

I predict that the relationship between your H and this woman will fizzle out. They almost always do! exOM and I carried on the A for four years including the emotional long distance part. The OM and I fought constantly as time went on! Remain kind towards your husband, let him know you care by your actions.

My exH moved on and filed for divorce, and pushed it forward- but it never changed my feelings.

In a way, my exH's pushing forward made me feel a justification for the A. In my twisted, foggy thinking I'd say to myself,"See , he doesn't care anyway. He's pushing for divorce. No wonder I cheated."

If you can do it, let him know you still love him and muster up the courage to list a few memories for him. I bet he and his OW fight constantly over you. Trust me, I've been there!

Time and patience! Those words are very true.

Never thought I could wait so long before in my life. It's possible, if you believe in it.

H_P