Brief recap, married 8 yrs, wife has just had her second affair. Very repentent, we've been in counseling, Bowen Theory Family system, for 4 years. She is telling me she has had enough of discussing what happened and trying to look back in her family history to understand why she makes these poor decisions. I am reconciled to the fact that leading up to the first affair, I played a part in it. I have changed, I have become a better husband, father and person overall. She freely admits that it isn't me. I have my doubts about whether she can make the kind of changes and can control her behavior. She has a problem with becoming overwhelmed with work, kids, family etc. She has to travel extensively, spends days and nights out with customers male and female at dinner and drinking. I said I would not stay in the marriage after the last affair unless counseling was at the top of our list. I am still committed. I am looking for guidance.

Four YEARS?????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Fire your counselor and get a new one! Today. Call the Harleys (1 (888) 639-1639) or Penny Tupy (1.877.416.2657). They're excellent.

Four years of chatting about what went wrong in your childhood really, really is ENOUGH. It's time to talk about present actions and being accountable for them!

sheeeeesh.

Oh, and do start reading a ton of stuff here. It's very practical, hands-on, can-do kinds of stuff. Another good place for that is the SYMC Yahoo Group. It's not for folks in the midst of affairs, but it's good on the practical "marriage maintenance" stuff.

Four year, started with my son from my first marraige coming to live with us. Trauma, leaving his mom, how to deal with it. Four years, not steady, however during the most turbulent which would be the last 18 months, starting with the death of my father, her father being diagnosed with bi-polar and then her first affair. I am open to discussion of why and how we make the decisions we do however as I said, she just wants to stop talking about it all together. No counseling, I have suggested a new counselor and have one lined up, no bring up the past with family members, just get over it and move on. I have my doubts.

Accountability.....Hummmmmm, there is an interesting approach. This is one I have been bringing up since the first affair. Even though I have accepted the part that I played, an affair is as wrong. You are responsible for you're behavior. She can't handle the tough, in your face, that she has to be accountable for her behavior. If not, what message do we send to our children!

If you're working on a new counselor, also have a look at Penny's list of questions to ask a coach or therapist. There's a lot to be looked at, there. And I would also say that the more active your therapist is, and the more active he or she can get you to be, the better. Talking is easy for everyone. Action is much harder.

And accountability is critical. If your wife has just had a second affair, then what are you and she going to do to make sure that it NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN? What kinds of changes in your lives are you willing to make? Same-old-same-old ain't gonna do it!

How very sad, that you've gone through this before and now again. I agree with the advice that it's time to find a new counselor.

You mentioned that her dad is bipolar. Could your wife be, too? Acting out sexually can be a symptom of bipolar disease.

IF your wife had consequences for her actions, she might decide to change. There's a part of me that wants to tell you to leave her, so she can see how much she needs you and how worthless these affair partners are. I truly view serial cheaters differently than I do someone who does it, repents, suffers for having done it, and would NEVER do it again. That's why I asked too about the bipolar possibility. Bipolar people live for the emotional, on the edge parts of life! ( The disease runs in my family too, but no, I'm not bipolar.)

My exH and I separated due to my infidelity. I wanted the separation, as I was tired of lying. He found out about the A four months after moving out. It didn't take long for me to realize that I'd made a huge mistake. I even knew it before I was separated, but I was addicted in a way to the OM. IT was all very sick.

Your wife won't stop doing it until she suffers some sort of consequence. That's how I see it anyway.

Take care and let us know what you decide to do,
HP

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gotdemblooz:
<strong> Accountability.....Hummmmmm, there is an interesting approach. This is one I have been bringing up since the first affair. Even though I have accepted the part that I played, an affair is as wrong. You are responsible for you're behavior. She can't handle the tough, in your face, that she has to be accountable for her behavior. If not, what message do we send to our children! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh honestly, get a real counselor. Don't pay someone to sit there and do nothing while she pines away about her childhood. You can see how much good that has done. If you want to solve your CURRENT problems and move forward, then you should check with the Harleys.

I think the problem *IS* that she refuses to be accountable for her behavior. And as long as she continues to be irresponsible, and allowed to get away with it, why in the world would she change? What a waste of money to sit around and pontificate about unrelated issues.

The Harleys can often achieve in 2-3 sessions what other counselors can NEVER acheive. They are PROS in this area and are not in the business of collecting money to sit there like a damn door. They are EFFECTIVE marriage counselors with a extremely good track record.

The bottom line is your wife will NEVER change unless there are consequences for her actions. Please quit enabling her.

I listen to Harley's radio show faithfully, and he once talked with a person whose therapist delved into the past with Family History. What Harley said was that you can't change the past, you need to focus on fixing the present. If the present is fixed, the past seems less important.